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I'm just finding myself getting deeper and deeper into a depression lately. I thought I had gotten better midway through June, but I'm not sure. Things just keep piling up, and becoming worse. I find myself doubting my own self worth, and self esteem, and whether or not everything I try to do is worth it. Maybe this is just life trying to tell me something? I don't know anyway. I thought I had a good grip on things, but maybe I have just been living in a shell, and reality is finally hitting me, or maybe I'm just the type of person people can use, overly trusting and forgiving...

I guess my question is, has anyone ever gotten to the point where they just feel like that can't go anymore, and have begun thinking of some pretty grim alternatives?

Been there...

...done that, got the horrible shirt.

I (We) wouldn't know exactly the details that caused you this state of depression...

...but here's what you can do.

Change the scenery (ala BS in boonies), I'm sure there are a lot of that in Canada and you don't have to spend that much. Do some reflection but not self-persecution.

Keep yourself busy. This is very effective when the object of your depression is something/someone you KNOW you CAN LIVE WITHOUT.

Work out. Good in releasing stress. Keeps you in shape too.

Ive been there before. in fact i still struggle with depression and given my personality i probably will for the rest of my life. im on an anti-depressant and that helps a little. i cant really give you any good advice except not to do drugs or drink alcohol. when you are depressed its very easy to become addicted to anything. and drugs and alcohol wont help your situation get any better. in fact they will make it a lot worse.

I have been in similar positions to what you describe. I have actually felt at times that there really wasn't any point to anything I did. Seemed like it all added up to nothing really substantial, and it made me question a lot of things, especially about who I was and where I was going. I felt like nothing I did mattered to anyone, at least in any important way.

I don't know a lot of the specifics of your situation, but mine dealt with the young boy meets the real world thing. I knew how things were supposed to be, where everything should fit on it's own neat little shelf, and how people should conduct themselves. I knew all this from my home environment. The problem for me was, real life is composed of a lot of things that unfortunatly I was not equipped to cope with. I had to question a lot of ideals that I held, ideals about the world, society in general, and where I fit in with all of it. It was extremely difficult to find that a lot of what I believed to be givens, the so called "American Dream" was not what I had thought it would be. It may have been there, and was likely attainable, but not at that point in my life. I was young, and didn't have the experience I needed to just brush things off.

For example, I was engaged for 2 years to a woman. We got along fine, and everything was absolutly wonderful. I felt good, I felt like things were really coming together for me. I was just breaking into a good job, and I was in love with a woman who I thought was perfect for me. Then, after two years, she just turns off her emotions. She went back to her ex-boyfreind. She never gave me a reason, and acted like it was really no big deal. We broke up one day, and the next she was dating him. I found out that she had beend seeing him for a couple weeks before I knew about it. How did this happen? I found out from several friends that it was really quite simple, he just saw her out one day and asked her out.

I was devastated. I went through a stage of wondering what I had done, if it was my fault. I wondered if n fact I had been nothing more than something to occupy her time til they got back together. Less than 3 months later, I read in the paper that they were married.

I started questioning myself, and spent a long time searching for answers. I wanted to move on, but I couldn't. I coouldn't because I felt like there was something wrong with me. There had to be, she rejected me. But in time I realized that the only thing wrong with me was that I was letting my self worth hinge on what other people thought of me. I was letting other people, including her, determine how I viewed myself. In the process, I had got to a point where I didn't like myself. And if I hadn't understood that, I would have never been able to like myself. I don't think people can if they constantly need the approval of someone else to confirm their own self worth. The only estimation of what you are worth comes from within yourself. It is easy to say that now, but it was hard for me to discover.

So I examined who I was. I determined what I wanted to do, and the kind of person I wanted to be. And I started working to become that person. In the process, I may have lost one or two friends. But I didn't need them at that point. And I started to feel better. I was handling dissappointments better, because all I had to do was look to myself to find the stregnth I needed to get through things.

Now, I am comfortable with who I am. It's still a work in progress, and I think it always will be. We learn to much to ever truly stop growing. And there are times that I do things that I later regret. But now, at very close to 30 years old, I have the self assurance that grew out of my experience to help me along. Unfortunalty, there is and can't be any substitute for experience. It makes a lot of the things that I felt were severe crisises at, say, 18-20, seem like minor things. But they wouldn't seem that way if I had not been through them. I firmly believe that there are very few solid answers in life. It's more of a discovery.

I wish I could help, and I sincerly hope I have a little at least. Like I said, there are no easy answers in my experience, but if you tie your self worth to anything or anyone outside of yourself, then invariably all you are going to be able to concentrate on are the shortcomongs they will make it seem that you have. All relationships will not work out the way you want them to, and there will be times when it seems everythign is going in the wrong direction. In the end, it will actually make you appreciate the good things more, and get you to the point where you feel like you can handle whatever comes at you, because even though you can be hurt, as long as you were true to the type of person you want to be, no one but you can taint that sense of value.

Originally posted by Bloodstalker
So I examined who I was. I determined what I wanted to do, and the kind of person I wanted to be. And I started working to become that person. In the process, I may have lost one or two friends. But I didn't need them at that point. And I started to feel better. I was handling dissappointments better, because all I had to do was look to myself to find the stregnth I needed to get through things.

exactly.
@Aegis:i must say i've been there very recently, and i don't know the specifics, but having some direction and changing what i was working towards helped me more than anything else. basically, it could be chemical imbalances in the brain/growing up/whatever, but as long as you can honestly say you are doing what YOU want, things can be far simpler. good luck.

Aegis, I feel for you. Unfortunitly, I've been there more times then I can count (maybe once every two weeks to a month). I've though constently about suicide for almost a full year.

My solution is to find a friend (or friends) that are going through the same thing. My friends at school have almost all been throught this, and one actually cut herself with a knife (she didn't die, though). Just find someone to talk to, and get it off your shoulders. It will help a lot.

Aegis, sorry to hear you're feeling so down. Everyone's given some good advice, so I don't have too much to add. If you're feeling that bad for a long period of time, it's worth it to go to a therapist and/or take an anti-depressant. I know I have at various times over the years. (Zoloft really helped) Modern anti-depressants are so effective that there's really no reason for anyone to suffer needlessly. The other advice I have is not so easy to put in practice--I think my bouts of depression were much longer and more intense when I was younger--in my teens and twenties. I believe the reason for that is that when depression would hit me then, I tended to believe it would just stay forever, and the thought that I might feel that bad forever made me want to end it all. Now that I'm approaching 40, I'm realizing that there's nothing depression respects more than endurance. So when it hits me now, I know it won't last, and I'm just able to roll with the punches better. Another thing I've had going for me is a lot of hobbies--I play piano, PC games (of course), read, walk a lot, listen to music, write fiction, etc. It's important to fill up the mind with pleasurable activities--to act "as if" you are happy. Sometimes acting "as if" fools you into the real thing. Also, it fights the mind's tendency during depression to obsess endlessly over problems or to want to lay in bed all day--both of these will lead to worsening the depression. Anyway, hope you feel better. (P.S. I've always felt more depressed during birthdays--I guess I have too high expectations for the day and something always shatters it)

I thought depression was something weak people got as an excuse for not coping - I thought it wasn't real. That was until I began to suffer from depression with seemingly no way out.

I soon realised I had to pull myself out of it, because no-one else would and they would all walk away from me.

Its not easy Aegis. I got depressed over 2 things: a girl and work. I forgot the girl and got new job. If you can get a friend who'll help you out of that - keep that friend, hold on to them.

There's a lot of folks here who love you. Not me though, I'm a man and can't admit to that.

I guess my question is, has anyone ever gotten to the point where they just feel like that can't go anymore, and have begun thinking of some pretty grim alternatives?

Yes, two years ago, but... READ MY SIGNATURES!!!

Truly, life is already hard enough. Do not even think to add tragedy or such...
Don't give it an easy way in turning you down... fight it!

Of course, I know what you feel.. How well I know.
Nothing specific that hurts you, but the sense of void, that all
is pointless, that you can't achieve what you seek...
EVEN WORSE, thinking that even achieving such things would be pointless in the end!

So let me tell you a thing:
YOU ARE RIGHT. We'll die, we'll lose everything, with time our memory too will disappear... all IS pointless, somehow.
EXCEPT FOR YOU, NOW.
A man knows all this, it's because of this that we are that strong.
Determined. Winners.
It's an absurd condition, yet we bear it.
It's all about inner strenght.
You have it... no, you ARE it.

Go on, seek the help of friends, but you can do without it.
You are your universe.
Then moments will come, when you understand the meaning
of your own life.
Maybe when you'll hold a child of yours, seeing him bending his
arms towards you..
Maybe another thing...
All short moments but, nobody will ever come to claim them back!

I try to help 'cause I lived such feelings, and won them.
We are men, we know what we have to face.
Be prepared to face hard moments again, but even great ones!
And if you fail in something... "always one more try!"

HEY BRO!!! SNAP OUT OF IT!

I am going through a divorce, and was really doubting myself too. But then I realized that I must move on. I am in 20,000 dollars of debt, have a job(err, boss) that I hate, and if it weren't for my little man, I'd be thinking bad thoughts too. But there has to be some silver lining to the clouds bro. Find a hobby, new friends, or even some good pills to help you keep the thoughts from bothering you. Remember-"idle hands are the devils playground". Nevermind what Grunty said====


I LOVE YOU MAN!!!!!!

Yup, I think the same way too...

Originally posted by leedogg
... and if it weren't for my little man, I'd be thinking bad thoughts too.

... my son inspires me to be at the top of things even when Murphy's Law is reigning supreme.

@Aegis: See man, you're not alone on this one.

@BS: Sensei, yup, you sure got your Be.

Yes.

Any news from Aegis?
Aegis, let your voice be heard!

Yeah, all good advice, but it's not shaking my depression. Even my usual friend that can pull me out had a hard time doing it (He even took me to a Comdey Act for my B-day, and I love Canadian Comics!) The best I can do, is try to put on a happy face, and not to bring others down. It's tough stuff when I make a decision to do something major, even for just a summer, to be with someone (Moved for the summer)m and they turn around, and not only ditch me, but they don't even try to give me a good excuse, or even try to make a good one up... Thats what I find depressing... Oh well, I got some writing in print the other day (Morrowind Review, for those who didn't notice. It's on the site, check it out), so it's not all bad.

I had a similar situation to the one you described. I was invited by a woman I was in a long distance romance with to take a quarter off from college, move across the country, and extend my summer vacation so that I could be with her (we had met previously, she initiated the relationship, and had a great time, include one of the best Christmases I can remember). So I drove across the country, which took about six days. The last day I drove non-stop, all day, because I was so excited. I showed up at her door at 8am, all smiles, and rang the doorbell. She answered the door, saw me standing there, and said to me, "What are you doing here? You didn't even call. I could have been sleeping with someone." I was absolutely devastated. I turned around and, despite her calling after me, I left. Fortunately, I had some place to stay for the next six months. It turned out that we remained friends and years later she explained to me that our relationship was so intense that it scared her. Thus the hurtful words. Like you, however, I thought that it was something to do with me...

I think that all men (and women) have to confront depression at one time or another. I have. And I have considered ending my life on two occasions. In my experience, there are three different categories in which I consider depression: situation, developmental, and chemical. Situational is easiest to understand: a divorce, loss of a parent, job displacement -- things like that. Developmental means times when you reach a milestone in your life. For example, in your early twenties when you are breaking away from your family and struggling to create your own life and identity; in middle age when you discover that everything you created has not brought you the happiness you were looking for (i.e. "middle age crisis"); and sometime in your late 50s or early 60s when you have to confront old age and your own declining mortality. The last category, chemical, refers to a physiological imbalance in brain chemistry, which is actually controversial and is far too overplayed in my opinion. A good example of this is some modern parents (note: this does not apply to all parents -- far from it), focused on their own agenda and stressed to the breaking point, who would prefer to have their children diagnosed with ADHD and medicated than to have to address their poor parenting and lack of quality time with their children.

In addition to the many useful things that have been said here, I will add this one. When I find myself in a situation where I am feeling depressed or that life has no meaning, it is a message to me that I have allowed myself to live a life that is too small. Indeed, it was the times in my life when I was most focused on myself, my needs, and my desires that I eventually felt the most miserable. I wonder, in a Machiavellian sense, if the corporate culture that we live in doesn't encourage this…. unhappy people make great consumers as they look for the next thing to make them feel better. But I digress. When I work with people with depression, there are a couple of things I do initially. If I sense they are running away from something, I encourage them to go more intensely and deeply into there depression. I call this "going into the pit." It is far darker than any dungeon crawl. Rape, incest, betrayal, insanity, overwhelming dysfunction... if we could only appreciate the suffering that occurs in each human life. The benefit of having another person along, though, is that there is the potential of shedding light on the situation in a new way -- the potential to integrate what is useful, change what is not, let go of what is toxic, forgive yourself if necessary and move on. If I sense, on the other hand, that person has become emotionally impacted due to living a tiny life, then I will begin to ask them about their ideals, their dreams, their sense of the truth…. what love means to them. This can often help to catalyze the desire to live a bigger life, to once again link up with the larger forces in one's life. And yes, these larger forces do exist in every life -- in Germanic and Scandinavian mythic tradition they speak of this as the Web of Wyrd. I have often found that simply making the decision to be of service to someone else can be helpful in this regard.

Finally, while I agree with VodooDali about perhaps seeking counseling, we differ in our views of anti-depressants. Based on my knowledge of the medical literature, I will accede that anti-depressants are of value to individuals with moderate to severe depression. However, you should know that the mechanism of action of many psychotropic medications are not known, that the use of such agents is in its infancy, and that comparatively speaking (given that they are more like a sledgehammer than precision instrument) they are rather primitive. This is not a path anyone should go down lightly.

Originally posted by thantor3
Finally, while I agree with VodooDali about perhaps seeking counseling, we differ in our views of anti-depressants. Based on my knowledge of the medical literature, I will accede that anti-depressants are of value to individuals with moderate to severe depression. However, you should know that the mechanism of action of many psychotropic medications are not known, that the use of such agents is in its infancy, and that comparatively speaking (given that they are more like a sledgehammer than precision instrument) they are rather primitive. This is not a path anyone should go down lightly.

Having been prescribed anti depressants in the past (amitrypline - or some such) as sleeping regulators i would say avoid their use. From my experience they cause excessive drowsiness and cause large swings in moods.

Personally the most important thing is fresh air, excercise and changing your environment. If possible go on a weekend away, have a new experience; something to remember.

There are so many easy things you can do to change how you are living, alter your diet to a more healthy one, go walking, do all the things you enjoy (although not too much spam ) Personally i would do as Leedog says snap out of it!

Also you could consider all the good things you have, you still have all your major faculties, look at some other people out there who can't look/see/talk, and they are still happy, you might be depressed now...but it could be worse.

Don't base your self-worth on how other people treat you, or their perception of you.

Aegis; you are a good man, and I know you will come through this OK. If you are able to summon up that knowledge, that is all you need.

Sorry you feel this way man...
Sometimes, everything just goes wrong. One thing that can keep you going, is the FACT that things will get better. Just give it some time.
Smile when you don't feel like smileing. Somehow it made me feel better when I was sad. (I know it sounds stupid)

I like you Aegis, even if I've never seen you IRL.
Just know that so many people here @ gamebanshee like you. And like they say. They can't all be wrong.

Before calling this a day...

Originally posted by Mr Sleep


Having been prescribed anti depressants in the past (amitrypline - or some such) as sleeping regulators i would say avoid their use. From my experience they cause excessive drowsiness and cause large swings in moods.

Personally the most important thing is fresh air, excercise and changing your environment. If possible go on a weekend away, have a new experience; something to remember.

There are so many easy things you can do to change how you are living, alter your diet to a more healthy one, go walking, do all the things you enjoy (although not too much spam ) Personally i would do as Leedog says snap out of it!

Also you could consider all the good things you have, you still have all your major faculties, look at some other people out there who can't look/see/talk, and they are still happy, you might be depressed now...but it could be worse.

...I strongly believe that all-natural is better.

@Rob-hin: It's interesting isn't it? I mean, the way SYM evolved into a community so much so as a number of us actually get strength (and a great deal of info among other things) from the board even if a lot of us haven't seen each other IRL.

Re: Before calling this a day...

Originally posted by Maharlika
@Rob-hin: It's interesting isn't it? I mean, the way SYM evolved into a community so much so as a number of us actually get strength (and a great deal of info among other things) from the board even if a lot of us haven't seen each other IRL.

Perhaps you should be glad about that, just ask Georgi, Ysh et al about my ass shaking exploits

All natural doesn't always work better but when one isn't clinically depressed then all natural is the best way to get out of a psychological jam. You'd be surprised how much (as Robnark said) ones diet can alter a psychological equilibrium.