Dwarven throwers (subject-related spam, only)

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Feb 26, 2002 6:27 pm

As this thread seemed to be dead under the sheer weight of endless "What's yur favirit party?" and "Can I have sex with Imoen?" threads in the SoA category, I've moved it over here. I think its serious tone and weighty content will more easily fit in with the current surroundings.

Feel free to browse at random from among the distinguished, scholarly reports and investigative journalism that predate my remarks.

Curdis · Post by **Curdis** » Tue Feb 26, 2002 9:10 pm

Originally posted by fable
As this thread seemed to be dead under the sheer weight of endless "What's yur favirit party?" and "Can I have sex with Imoen?" threads in the SoA category, I've moved it over here. I think its serious tone and weighty content will more easily fit in with the current surroundings.

Feel free to browse at random from among the distinguished, scholarly reports and investigative journalism that predate my remarks.

Oh Wow! That brings back memories. Oh and BTW is it true that you can have sex with Imoen?

Back on topic - rereading this It reminded me that the liquid chili fuelled deep gnome launcher array must have been mentioned on one of the now lost scrolls - alas - It was called the Svirfneblinwaffer. - Curdis !

Nightmare · Post by **Nightmare** » Wed Feb 27, 2002 4:11 pm

It's back!

Ned Flanders · Post by **Ned Flanders** » Wed Feb 27, 2002 4:15 pm

I found the "Can I have sex with Imoen" threads to be quite stimulating.

I belive this thread was probably buried under several "Who do you think is the hottest NPC" threads. Again, a riveting discussion.

I must confess I know nothing about this thread or its history. I loathe dwarves however, and if this thread in any way discusses these fat midgets hitting walls at high speeds with mighty impact, I will devour the content with joy.

Curdis · Post by **Curdis** » Wed Feb 27, 2002 6:25 pm

Ned,

It's your lucky day! - Curdis !

frogus · Post by **frogus** » Thu Feb 28, 2002 2:44 pm

the awful truth

Ned Flanders · Post by **Ned Flanders** » Thu Feb 28, 2002 3:54 pm

@frogus,

it never ceases to amaze me, the strange crap one can find on the internet

fable · Post by **fable** » Thu Feb 28, 2002 7:03 pm

Please, gentles. Let's keep the focus in this august symposium on the materials presented by our members, among whom you are numbered. Feel free to read some of the content and, if you wish, to comment upon its scholarly implications.

frogus · Post by **frogus** » Fri Mar 01, 2002 10:59 am

sorry fable....but c'mon! midget tossing!

fable · Post by **fable** » Fri Mar 01, 2002 11:51 am

Originally posted by frogus
sorry fable....but c'mon! midget tossing!

And your point is...? @Frogus, with respect, you have no tactical military sense if you cannot perceive the value of hurling an intelligent, dangerous creature at the enemy in battle: a berserk dwarf with a flaming beard, a halfling bearing heated shish-ka-bob skewers; a gnome, suffering a terrible head cold. The effects have been noted time and again through history; to deny it is to deny the efficaciousness (under other circumstances) of the yeoman, or artillery, or siege devices.

I invite you to dip back in these pages, and refresh your memory with the information presented. If you still feel as you currently do after you've finished, we can debate this anew. Until then, I feel that all conversation will be superfluous.

Nightmare · Post by **Nightmare** » Fri Mar 01, 2002 4:00 pm

Ok, so we all think that Dwarves are the best projectiles, because they are down right vicious when drunk.

Halflings are too well distracted, as was said earlier in the thread.

Anything else?

fable · Post by **fable** » Fri Mar 01, 2002 7:55 pm

@Gaxx, you are engaging in a calumny against the dwarves. I forgive you and your ignorance, although there are many dwarves out there who may feel otherwise; and if I were you--just as a friendly piece of advice--I would certainly invest in a good, stiff iron shirt collar, and soon, if you take my meaning.

For certainly, there is nothing in this information that suggest dwarves should be thrown at an enemy when drunk. You need to read the materials again. And you forgot to mention gnomes, at all. Alas.

frogus · Post by **frogus** » Sat Mar 02, 2002 5:47 am

@Frogus, with respect, you have no tactical military sense if you cannot perceive the value of hurling an intelligent, dangerous creature at the enemy in battle

hmmm...I believe I am starting to be swayed...arghh...alright. I'm fine now. What do you think about practical applications of midget tossing in the War Against Terrorism?
Terrorism, meet

a berserk dwarf with a flaming beard, a halfling bearing heated shish-ka-bob skewers; a gnome, suffering a terrible head cold.

......

a berserk dwarf with a flaming beard, a halfling bearing heated shish-ka-bob skewers; a gnome, suffering a terrible head cold.

meet Terrorism!

Sojourner · Post by **Sojourner** » Sat Mar 02, 2002 6:53 am

Originally posted by Gaxx_Firkraag
Ok, so we all think that Dwarves are the best projectiles, because they are down right vicious when drunk.

Halflings are too well distracted, as was said earlier in the thread.

Anything else?

Once again it must be reiterated that the halfling's tendency to be distracted by the aroma of foodstuffs is quite easily countered, and in fact, can be exploited to make him a superior projectile:

Methodology

One can simply blindfold the halfling in question as well have him don a nose-plug before launching.
Taking advantage of the halfling's preference for washing down delictables with alcoholic beverages, one can simply "paint the target" with the appropriate thirst-quencher. The aforementioned halfling, once launched, will home in on the aroma with a high degree of accuracy.

Curdis · Post by **Curdis** » Sat Mar 02, 2002 8:23 pm

To the editor of this august journal, Dwarven Throwers,
Dear Sir/Madam,
It was with some considerable dismay that on a trip to the local scroll repository to get an updated wind velocity vs. coefficent of drag table that, while waiting for the Imp to return from the stacks that I came upon the November 1953 edition of your publication. It was in the returned periodicals bin. As a practicing balistics engineer I feel oblidged to make the following (basic) points.

The esoteric projectiles which are being discussed: Gnomes, Svirfneblin, Halflings, et al. are really still completely experimental. Any of your good readers who were to try them in the field could be seriously disappointed and/or injured. While I encourage fundamental research, as a lifelong practitioner I must draw atention to the basic FACTS.

Energy is the result of the mass times the velocity times the velocity (no I don't have a stutter). To gain the best results requires that the projectile be of some mass but it is terminal velocity through the air which has the greatest, may I say, impact on the final result. It may appear obvious once explicitly stated but the dwarf has a number of inherant advantages over other munitions.

It should come as no surprise that dwarves have a long standing tradition of consentual usage, where is the historical evidence for say gnomes? A few anecdotes from sources such as 'Uncle Sratchy' are hardly scientific evidence. The historic tradition has placed pride into the Dwarven Projectile which can not be overlooked in any practicle application. Any attempt to distract or over bloat the say halfling is just that an attempt to distract. Focus is what is needed.

More interestingly however, the dwarf also has an inherent quality which makes them more suitable, modesty. A dwarf (male or female) would do just about anything to prevent (especially the enemy) seeing up their mail skirts. When the rifling throwing technique is employed, the immediate benefits which come from the improved aerodynamics of the firmly held down skirt are quite astonishing. In fact, in my student days Dean Fractious failed to take this into account in his tuitorial calculations and a whole squad of dwarves overshot the target range by some 200 yards seriously disrupting the school of bards next door (Ah the happy memorys).

So in closing I would state simply that wild conjecture on modern methods and materials is well and good but please ensure that the fundamentals get a sound hearing also. The new composite covering materials required for the sucessful use of halflings and gnomes are hellish expensive and currently obtainable only from those stiff frock hocus pocus merchants from Thay.

Yours
Rumblebum Thundergut BE ME PhD fellow of the college of Dwarven Projectiles.

fable · Post by **fable** » Sat Aug 24, 2002 5:59 am

I heartily concur with my split personality's comments in that last post, and am bumping this again! Now, if you'll excuse me, the pair of us intend to locate our id and superego and get up a game of poker.

Ode to a Grasshopper · Sun Aug 25, 2002 1:21 am

Ah, the return of the Dwarf throwing thread.
"No one tosses a dwarf!"

Nightmare · Post by **Nightmare** » Mon Aug 26, 2002 12:41 am

So, I believe the use of dwarves as projectiles has been throughly debated, and it was shown that dwarves are preferable to halflings (halflings being easily distracted in mid-flight, I believe).

I've forgotten though, why not use gnomes?

Nippy · Post by **Nippy** » Mon Aug 26, 2002 2:42 am

Ah, welcome Gaxx! What would stop you from using gnomes as ammunition? Well the simple fact that gnomes soar and generally drift away from said targets. That and their huge shonks losing aerodynamics.

Nightmare · Post by **Nightmare** » Mon Aug 26, 2002 11:27 am

Originally posted by Nippy
Ah, welcome Gaxx! What would stop you from using gnomes as ammunition? Well the simple fact that gnomes soar and generally drift away from said targets. That and their huge shonks losing aerodynamics.

True, true. As already said, dwarves are the most preferable ammunition, because when drunk, they become vicious. Also, they are not easily distracted, and when set on fire, they become even madder (hence more damaging to the target).

Goblins, on the other hand, are a little too weak to be considered good missiles.