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marriage vs. partnership

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fable
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Post by fable »

Originally posted by frogus
marriage is great, but no greater than non-marriage in the right circumstance.
But that wasn't the point I was discussing. It was this:

You don't think it's just a coincedence that sex loses it's appeal for long-married couples do you?

If you're going to make an outrageous claim like the above, you need to post some statistical facts to back it up. Unless you do, it's only an assumption, and one that does not reflect well on you. :)

It will also make any middle-aged, happily married couple laugh themselves sick. ;)
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Post by josh »

I believe marriage is the way to go.
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Post by Georgi »

Posted by Mr Sleep:
I don't know why many couples who have married tend to split up, it doesn't really make any sense.
Although one can't really compare the amount of people who split up if they're married with if they're in a long-term relationship without being married; there are statistics for divorce, not for unmarried couples. Just as many, if not more, unmarried couples probably split up as married. But if a relationship is working, I don't think marriage is necessarily important. Surely a long-term relationship itself is evidence of commitment.
marriage is a Christian institution, so if one is not a christian then it is debatable what influence marriage should have on joe publc.
I'm pretty sure that although the ceremony itself is Christian, the idea itself is older than Christianity, though it may not have been referred to as marriage. And today, we have civil marriages - it's not exclusively Christian.
Posted by Tammy:
However having a good and working relationship is the most important part.


I agree with this. People all have their own reasons for wanting to get married or not, and I don't think any more or less of anybody for being married or not. However, I do think is people decide to get married, they should take it seriously. It seems to me far too common these days that people get engaged almost without thinking about it, and before they've really got to know their partner. They get engaged without any real thought towards the future, it's more being engaged as some kind of a status symbol. :rolleyes: That irritates me. These are the kind of marriages that are going to end in divorce 6 months later, if they ever get as far as walking down the aisle.
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Post by C Elegans »

In Sweden, registred partnership is viewed as equal to marriage in all social and emotional regards, there are some differences juridically though such as heretage when one person in the couple dies, etc. These are easily fixed with a little paperwork, though.

Few people in my generation in Sweden view marriage as a religious institution, instead, it's a personal symbolic act of love between the couple. It is very common not to marry however, and some people marry long after they have moved together and got children, some not at all.

Did you know btw that the large sociological studies carried out here show no decline in health or well-being for kids with divorced parents? Sweden has long been the country in the world with the highest divorce/separation rates, and since the 1970's it has been much discussions about the effect this would have on the children. However, longitudinal comparative studies of children with separated and married parents, show no differences. Instead, the studies show that when society has an unaccepting view of single parenting and single parenting is coupled with finacial problems, the kids will suffer. But when sociocultural taboos is removed, and single parents have similar socioeconomic standards as couples, as is the case in Sweden nowadays, there are no negative effects on the children.

Originally posted by frogus
The majority of people I believe, if the world started afresh tommorow, with no religious, historical or social pressure then most people would not want to commit to a life with another partner. It goes against all biological reason. Spread your gene pool, sleep around. You don't think it's just a coincedence that sex loses it's appeal for long-married couples do you? That's Darwin telling people that they've made the wrong choice.
I suppose you by Darwin mean "evolution", we know incredibly much more now about evolution than Darwin had the chance to find out.

I agree with your first statement here Frogus, but like me, you will learn that here on SYM there are some posters who believe evolution is not a fact, but a false theory. You're a Brit, I'm a Swede, and the idea that the earth was created 6000 years ago and the species separately created by god is probably as unfamiliar to you as it was to me since it's highly unusual outside the US. Other people might accept the scientific dating of the earth, but not evolution. The reasons for this is because scientific data are viewed as conflicting with the word of the bible.

Many scientists in different areas speculate in what sort of societies humans are were originally. Views differ depending on what perspetive we look at - but one thing is important to note: Studies of genetics, evolution biology, psychology, antropology or what have you, will perhaps tell us how man originally lived and what we are genetically suited for. This might be viewed as natural, but it says nothing about what is good for us. Man has made his own environment to a much larger extent than any other animals, and at the same time, we are the creatures who are most depending on learning and interaction with the environment. So even if we, like some scientists, come to the conclusion that 4-year relationships is what is "natural" for humans this is the same as saying "dying from pneumonia or measels is natural". Ie, it doesn't mean it's good, acceptable or the way it "should" be.

However, even if "Darwin telling people they have made the wrong choice" is an oversimplification and probably not correct in most cases, I believe Frogus is aiming to express that humans genetically and biologically are set not to life long monogamous relationships. This view coincides with the current consensus in the scientific community as well, although I must stress that "spreading our genes" is not believed to be what we were genetically made for either. Instead (I could go into detail and explain why if somebody is interestested) it is thought that humans are genetically set to live in groups, that the rising of a child should involve at least one man and one woman, and that "couple relationships" should last for about 4 years. So "serial monogamy" when it comes to child-producing sex is the name of the game :D
However, just like many other animals, humans also have sex for other reasons than reproduction - we should not forget that sex is thought to have an important evolutionary value as "bonding" between group members, and stress/anxiety relief. Just look as our closest relatives the chimps :)

I should also mention that the above hypothesis about human nature has been highly unpopular among christians and conservatives especially in the US. For anyone interested in the area, the science journal Nature had a great summary of the field in an issue just before christmas.
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Post by VoodooDali »

"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I call my partner my husband but we are not married. He's asked me a million times. We've been living together 8 years. I just haven't felt any pull towards it. I've been married before. IMO, marriage puts a lot of stress on a relationship because there are such strong cultural expectations of it, both personally and from your family and society in general. I haven't seen the need, since I don't have children, and don't want any. (Although at the young age of 39, I do suddenly seem to have grandchildren--go figure THAT one out!--And they are a joy.) The reason we will get married in the next year or so is because of the bigger tax break, and we want to buy a house--and the lenders will look on us more favorably.

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Re: sex. In any long relationship, frequency ebbs and flows, and frequency isn't everything--intensity IS. Look--if you sleep with a different person every night, but don't feel much inside emotionally other than the simple physical pleasure--it grows old.

I do not agree with Eminem that living together is a cop-out. If anything, it indicates a greater degree of commitment, since there is nothing keeping you there except your love. By reverse reasoning, I could argue that marriage is a cop-out--but I don't believe that. Actually, I never experienced someone cheating on me in either long living-together partnership I've had, but I did when I was married. A public pledge is no guarantee of faithfulness, and some men feel so terrified when they are married that "this is it" that they have a greater need to sleep around.
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Post by Ode to a Grasshopper »

IMHO, it all boils down to personal opinion. I don't believe that the institution of marriage has any intrinsic value; it is only as important as people make it. If you think it matters then to you it will. It all boils down to perceptions, much like anything else.
Speaking for myself, I don't happen to find marriage that big a deal. But then, I'm still fairly young.
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Post by Bordeauxxx »

Originally posted by Ode to a Grasshopper
IMHO, it all boils down to personal opinion. I don't believe that the institution of marriage has any intrinsic value; it is only as important as people make it. If you think it matters then to you it will. It all boils down to perceptions, much like anything else.
Speaking for myself, I don't happen to find marriage that big a deal. But then, I'm still fairly young.
I agree with you, Ode. If it works for you, go for it. If it doesn't, come up with an alternative.

Although, thinking about it, one of my biggest problems with marriage is the ceremony. The main options seem to be religious/church or a dusty office at City Hall. What if you don't like those options?
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Post by Fezek »

Originally posted by Bordeauxxx


I agree with you, Ode. If it works for you, go for it. If it doesn't, come up with an alternative.

Although, thinking about it, one of my biggest problems with marriage is the ceremony. The main options seem to be religious/church or a dusty office at City Hall. What if you don't like those options?
How about "Hooters"? I'm sure they could arrange summat.
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Post by Bordeauxxx »

Originally posted by Fezek


How about "Hooters"? I'm sure they could arrange summat.
Hmmm. That could work. They have great seafood.
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Post by Sailor Saturn »

@Frogus, RE: Evolution/Etc; where do you get those ideas about married couples losing their interest in sex? My parents have been married for 23½ years and they certainly haven't lost interest in sex.

I can also tell you that I have absolutely no intention to "sleep around" while I have every intention to get married and spend the rest of my life with one person. I have desire to have kids comes from the fact that I want to have a daughter of my own some day, not some desire to contribute to the continued existence of humanity.

As for the "loss of sex drive" as one gets older, that would be an effect of entropy on the human body, since as the body gets older, it works less and less. Sure, that effect can be slowed, but it still occurs.

Where did you get the idea that love is nothing but a by-product? Are they really teaching that in schools these days? :eek: *shakes her head* No wonder it's so hard to find romantic people my age or younger. :p

Originally posted by EMINEM
"Sigh"

I suppose this kind of reasoning becomes inevitable when humans are regarded merely as creatures of instinct that have evolved "a little higher than the animals," instead of as special beings with souls created "a little lesser than the angels."
It is rather horrid. :(

Re: Marriage, a Christian institution; Um, there is marriage in non-Christian cultures as well. It's not a Christian-only thing. And, in the US, you do not have to be married in a church in a 'Christian Ceremony.'

The problem with living together but not being married is that there is no real commitment. The marriage license/ceremony is symbolic of the commitment being made. If you're not willing to show that you're making the commitment, then what's to keep you true to the person your commiting to? And what's to keep them true to you?

Marriage is not out-dated. It works if Love is in the relationship. It is very important and not of "no consequence." It is wrong to have sex outside of marriage. It is wrong to be living together, sleeping together, and even having children together if you're not married.

@Beldin, You and your other half should be married. For one, she's not really your 'wife' until you marry her.


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Post by Fezek »

Originally posted by Sailor Saturn
[color=deeppinkconsequence." It is wrong to have sex outside It is wrong to be living together, sleeping together, and even having children together if you're not married.

color]
Why?
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Post by Sailor Saturn »

Originally posted by C Elegans
In Sweden, registred partnership is viewed as equal to marriage in all social and emotional regards, there are some differences juridically though such as heretage when one person in the couple dies, etc. These are easily fixed with a little paperwork, though.

Few people in my generation in Sweden view marriage as a religious institution, instead, it's a personal symbolic act of love between the couple. It is very common not to marry however, and some people marry long after they have moved together and got children, some not at all.

Did you know btw that the large sociological studies carried out here show no decline in health or well-being for kids with divorced parents? Sweden has long been the country in the world with the highest divorce/separation rates, and since the 1970's it has been much discussions about the effect this would have on the children. However, longitudinal comparative studies of children with separated and married parents, show no differences. Instead, the studies show that when society has an unaccepting view of single parenting and single parenting is coupled with finacial problems, the kids will suffer. But when sociocultural taboos is removed, and single parents have similar socioeconomic standards as couples, as is the case in Sweden nowadays, there are no negative effects on the children.




I suppose you by Darwin mean "evolution", we know incredibly much more now about evolution than Darwin had the chance to find out.

I agree with your first statement here Frogus, but like me, you will learn that here on SYM there are some posters who believe evolution is not a fact, but a false theory. You're a Brit, I'm a Swede, and the idea that the earth was created 6000 years ago and the species separately created by god is probably as unfamiliar to you as it was to me since it's highly unusual outside the US. Other people might accept the scientific dating of the earth, but not evolution. The reasons for this is because scientific data are viewed as conflicting with the word of the bible.

Many scientists in different areas speculate in what sort of societies humans are were originally. Views differ depending on what perspetive we look at - but one thing is important to note: Studies of genetics, evolution biology, psychology, antropology or what have you, will perhaps tell us how man originally lived and what we are genetically suited for. This might be viewed as natural, but it says nothing about what is good for us. Man has made his own environment to a much larger extent than any other animals, and at the same time, we are the creatures who are most depending on learning and interaction with the environment. So even if we, like some scientists, come to the conclusion that 4-year relationships is what is "natural" for humans this is the same as saying "dying from pneumonia or measels is natural". Ie, it doesn't mean it's good, acceptable or the way it "should" be.

However, even if "Darwin telling people they have made the wrong choice" is an oversimplification and probably not correct in most cases, I believe Frogus is aiming to express that humans genetically and biologically are set not to life long monogamous relationships. This view coincides with the current consensus in the scientific community as well, although I must stress that "spreading our genes" is not believed to be what we were genetically made for either. Instead (I could go into detail and explain why if somebody is interestested) it is thought that humans are genetically set to live in groups, that the rising of a child should involve at least one man and one woman, and that "couple relationships" should last for about 4 years. So "serial monogamy" when it comes to child-producing sex is the name of the game :D
However, just like many other animals, humans also have sex for other reasons than reproduction - we should not forget that sex is thought to have an important evolutionary value as "bonding" between group members, and stress/anxiety relief. Just look as our closest relatives the chimps :)

I should also mention that the above hypothesis about human nature has been highly unpopular among christians and conservatives especially in the US. For anyone interested in the area, the science journal Nature had a great summary of the field in an issue just before christmas.
Here's a hypothetical question: Looking at things from the perspective that all religions have merely been fabrications of the human imagination for the purpose of explaining the unexplainable, why would humans create these religions saying that long-term monogamous marriage is the way things are supposed to be if the genetic/instinctive/whatever-you-want-to-call-it urging(?) is to have 4-year monogamous relationships multiple times in their life? :confused:
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Post by Sailor Saturn »

Originally posted by Fezek
Why?
Because sexual immorality is wrong.

And to look at it from a more secular perspective, because it is harmful to society. I don't doubt that premarital sex was happening all last century and before that, but not to the extent that it happens today. Now, because of premarital sex, there are a lot of teenage girls in high school who are pregnant and/or have kids. This causes problems for the teenage girl, especially if the father refuses to help take care of her and the child. This, in turn, can cause problems with the child as she grows up. The increase in teen pregnancies has also resulted in an increase in abortion which, according to all reports I've seen(non-Christian sources as well as Christian sources) is often very emotionally traumatic for the girl getting the abortion. It can also result in pushing apart a girl and her parents, causing the girl to end up out on her own with nothing, which can result in any number of things.

Those are just some of the consequences of pre-marital sex.

What are the pros about pre-marital sex? A few minutes of fun? If it's that fun, then it should certainly be worth the wait. :rolleyes: :p
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Post by Beldin »

Originally posted by Sailor Saturn
@Beldin, You and your other half should be married. For one, she's not really your 'wife' until you marry her.


Note to the Mods: I'm not condemning anyone with my statements. I'm stating what I believe and know to be true. If anyone is offended by what I believe, then that's their problem.
Hi Sweet One !
;)

First - no problem here - I think EVERYBODY is entitled to his or her opinion and of course to voice this opinion freely.

With me and my "other half" - sorry to disappoint you there, but we have talked this over (more than once) and have still no intention to get married. She's my wife in every sense that matters except the "legal" one. The way we see it our partnership is so much more than our signature on some papers or the perceicved "approval" by any deity.
In my opinion marriage is a nice "add on" on a partnership, to show that you're serious about it, but we can live without it.

It just makes me sad to see people I know use their marriage just as a "statement of property" for their spouse.
"Now you're mine to do as I please." - THAT'S not what it was meant to be...

No worries,

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Post by Yshania »

I think there have been some interesting points here :) As I have previously stated, I am not a believer in the institute of marriage as proof of commitment. I don't believe that Beldin should marry if he and his partner are happy with their situation. There isn't so much as a social stigma today as there was 30 years ago, though I believe that the laws should relax a little to allow non married, long term partners the same rights in respect of parental responsibility, tax credits, investments and inheritance etc.

In the UK, if you die intestate and are not married, all of your estate does not pass to your partner...it passes to your closest blood relative. This could be your child, in which case it is likely that it will go into a trust fund until they come of age (though where this money is invested is limited, and your partner will not receive access to any of it) or your estate could pass on to your parents, in the event that you have no children....my husband and I drew up mirror wills a few years before we married. It sounds depressing, but there are times that you need to consider as such...we felt it necessary that we protect our future and that of our children :)
Posted by SS -

It is wrong to have sex outside of marriage. It is wrong to be living together, sleeping together, and even having children together if you're not married.


It is a matter of personal opinion. Society today offers us the freedom to choose.
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Post by Astafas »

Originally posted by C Elegans
In Sweden, registred partnership is viewed as equal to marriage in all social and emotional regards, there are some differences juridically though such as heretage when one person in the couple dies, etc. These are easily fixed with a little paperwork, though.


Maybe you should add that registred partnership is only an option for two persons of the same sex. Registred partners are equal to married couples in almost all aspects (adoption being the most notable exception). Then you have "normal" partnership: two persons living together as husband and wife while not being married. There are indeed some legal differences between partnership and marriage, and not all can be arranged by paperwork (although most can). Especially tax laws seem to favor the marriage.
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Post by VoodooDali »

Hey, did any of you ever read Robert Heinlein's books? I think it was in Stranger in a Strange Land that people married for short intervals, like 5 years. At the end of the 5 years, they had the option to renew.
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Post by Sailor Saturn »

Originally posted by VoodooDali
Hey, did any of you ever read Robert Heinlein's books? I think it was in Stranger in a Strange Land that people married for short intervals, like 5 years. At the end of the 5 years, they had the option to renew.
I haven't read Stranger in a Strange Land, so I don't know if it's in there. But it did remind me of Time Enough For Love. There were various views on marriage shown in that book, IIRC. Friday had polygomous marriage in it, with an interesting view on things.

I don't have time to find it right now, but I just remembered something that Lazarus said in Time Enough For Love that applies well to the topic being discussed here. I'll look for it when I get home from school later today.
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Post by frogus »

If you're going to make an outrageous claim like the above, you need to post some statistical facts to back it up. Unless you do, it's only an assumption, and one that does not reflect well on you.
alright, scratch the word 'married', but my point is that it is not natural for humans to stay together with one person for their whole life. It is just as true for long standing unmarried relationships aswell.

I'd just like to make this clear:
I AM NOT ARGUING THAT MARRIAGE IS WORSE THAN NON-MARRIAGE. I AM ARGUING THAT PRESSURE TO MARRY IS WORSE THAN NO PRESSURE TO MARRY AND THAT MARRIAGE AND NON-MARRIAGE ARE JUST AS GOOD AS EACH OTHER
People all have their own reasons for wanting to get married or not, and I don't think any more or less of anybody for being married or not. However, I do think is people decide to get married, they should take it seriously. It seems to me far too common these days that people get engaged almost without thinking about it, and before they've really got to know their partner. They get engaged without any real thought towards the future, it's more being engaged as some kind of a status symbol.
I agree.
Where did you get the idea that love is nothing but a by-product? Are they really teaching that in schools these days? *shakes her head* No wonder it's so hard to find romantic people my age or younger.
No they do not teach it in schools. That is my belief as a result of a great deal of thought and reflexion on reality and experience. It is what I think is true, but to know where something came from is not to think any worse of it. I think it is a sad assumption that you think that one must be ignorant of somethings true nature to enjoy it.
You're a Brit, I'm a Swede, and the idea that the earth was created 6000 years ago and the species separately created by god is probably as unfamiliar to you as it was to me since it's highly unusual outside the US
Do people really believe that the universe started 6000 years ago? what about the Egyptians?
Did you know btw that the large sociological studies carried out here show no decline in health or well-being for kids with divorced parents? Sweden has long been the country in the world with the highest divorce/separation rates, and since the 1970's it has been much discussions about the effect this would have on the children. However, longitudinal comparative studies of children with separated and married parents, show no differences. Instead, the studies show that when society has an unaccepting view of single parenting and single parenting is coupled with finacial problems, the kids will suffer.
BTW my parents are divorced, and look how cynical and disenchanted I've turned out! That was actually a serious point, because I know that any bad effects that my parents divorce has had on me are the result of the breakdown of their love, not the dissolution of a religious/legal contract made many years ago. Love is so much more important than marriage as to make it seem meaningless.
antropology or what have you, will perhaps tell us how man originally lived and what we are genetically suited for. This might be viewed as natural, but it says nothing about what is good for us.
It is not in our genes to die of diseases. It is beyond our control, and is not programmed into us. I believe that the fact that it is natural to stay multi-partnered gives it some credibility. However, I agree that humans have pretty much got to the top and climbed out of the 'Evolution Bucket'. We are no longer completely controlled by nature and instinct, which is why I do not believe that it is wrong to get married. It is good but no better than not getting married, and therefore people should not pressure each other to do it.
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dragon wench
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Post by dragon wench »

I think that there is little or no difference between marriage and partnership.
Any relationship, regardless of its status, requires committment, compromise, sincere effort, and personal sacrifice from both parties in order to work. Which route people follow is, and should remain, a matter of individual preference.

IMHO, what matters is not if the couple is "legally married," but rather how much they endeavour to make the relationship a success. Breakups are not exclusive to either arrangement

Further, as others have pointed out, in many countries partnerships have similar legal obligations as marriage. Ending a longterm common-law marriage is no simple matter, and the absence of a marriage license does not provide an easy exit.....neither legally nor emotionally.
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