Your Favourite Jokes

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Fri Mar 29, 2002 3:01 am

Originally posted by Astafas

Wasn't aware this was a no spam thread as well. OK, I'll leave it to your lists then.

Hey hey - keep cool, man.

It IS a spam thread, allright. I just tried to be courteous while intruding in your conversation... . Keep it up, it's funny....

No worries,

Beldin

Astafas · Post by **Astafas** » Fri Mar 29, 2002 3:14 am

Re: Poor Asty

Originally posted by T'lainya
Oh my She went after your fangs? Well at least you made the battle epic I'm glad to see defeat hasn't dampened your spirits I'm sure the onlookers were so overwhelmed by the combatants grace and charm they would have forgiven anything except for one gentlemen who complained the laser scalpel ruined his necktie

You've misunderstood, my Queen (and I except the blame, of course): Since I use floss, toothbrush and toothpaste at least twice a day (Hey! Who says vampires can't?!) the tasty one's puny scalpel couldn't hurt my fangs. And don't you worry about that gentleman - I've got a good idea of who you mean and I'm sure to get him tonight!

T'lainya · Post by **T'lainya** » Fri Mar 29, 2002 8:08 am

disaster averted

Originally posted by Astafas

You've misunderstood, my Queen (and I except the blame, of course): Since I use floss, toothbrush and toothpaste at least twice a day (Hey! Who says vampires can't?!) the tasty one's puny scalpel couldn't hurt my fangs. And don't you worry about that gentleman - I've got a good idea of who you mean and I'm sure to get him tonight!

Ah my gracious charmer, I'm pleased the fangs survived CEs lethal laser scalpel

No blame at all, merely concern

Ahh, perceptive too?

T'lainya · Post by **T'lainya** » Fri Mar 29, 2002 8:09 am

Originally posted by Beldin

Hey hey - keep cool, man.
It IS a spam thread, allright. I just tried to be courteous while intruding in your conversation... . Keep it up, it's funny....

Aren't you brave to interrupt our conversation

T'lainya · Post by **T'lainya** » Mon Apr 01, 2002 1:22 pm

Blonde joke

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary
tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again,
from the heavens, the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the
opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you,
Lord?"

The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Tue Apr 02, 2002 4:26 am

Listing again.....but I'm lazy today.... :

Five Symptons of Intoxication
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What are the five symptoms of alcohol intoxication?

1) Loss of memory
2) .... I ..... I can't remember the rest

No worries,

Whoever...

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Wed Apr 03, 2002 6:01 am

one@Aegis ....

...and all the other SYMbionts who are into "piscine shenanigans"....

Why Fish Are Better Than Women

1.)If you catch a fish you don't have to worry about
it's mother.
2.)If you're not in the mood for fish you can have
beef.
3.)You can catch fish at any age.
4.)You can keep fish in a live well until you're ready for them.
5.)If you don't like what you catch you can throw it back.
6.)Fish don't care what size your worm is.
7.)You don't need a big rod to catch a nice fish.
8.)You can use the same old line every time to catch a fish.
9.)It don't matter how cold it is to catch fish.
10.)You can eat (catch)fish any time.

No worries,

Beldin

Maharlika · Post by **Maharlika** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 3:21 am

This one is for Bloodstalker and Ned...

An alien ship landed in the middle of a town where two individuals were drinking some clandestine whisky.

Two aliens from the ship approached them and said: "You earthlings and your technology are way back in the past, we put one liter of fuel on our ship and we can go around the universe several times".

One of the earthlings began to laugh

and says to his fellow moonshine drinker, "These guys think they are better than us. Just to let you know, my fellow Martians, we drink one liter of this moonshine and the universe goes around us several times!"

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 3:31 am

Jokes around the world...

Another Texas Thang

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two
finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper
crust family; well-bred, well -connected, and all that goes with it.

The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. A self-proclaimed
die-hard Aggie. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem
in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds
after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu."

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered could the redneck top that?!

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

No worries,

Beldin

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Tue Apr 16, 2002 12:45 am

International Newswires announced yesterday that the late Queen Mum will be in a Cameo appearance in Star Wars:Episode 2. The footage was filmed early last year when she visited the ILM studios and talked at lenght with George Lucas..

Baldursgate Fan · Post by **Baldursgate Fan** » Tue Apr 16, 2002 1:22 am

International Sex

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.

The Italian says - 'When I've a finished a makin a da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 Inches abovea da bed in ecstasy'

The Frenchman replies - 'Zat is nossing, when ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in ze pure ecstasy'.

The Aussie says - 'That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin' me girl, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me **** clean on the curtains. She hits the ****in' roof mate!!!'

Young Woman Gives Birth

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

'I'm afraid I don't have a husband' she replies.

'OK do you have a boyfriend?' asks the Midwife.

'No, no boyfriend either.'

'Do you have a partner then?'

'No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.'

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

'You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.'

'Well,' replies the girl. 'I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black.'

'Oh, I'm very sorry,' says the midwife, 'that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.'

'Well yes,' the girl again replies, 'you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?'

'Oh, I'm sorry,' the midwife repeats, 'that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.'

'Well yes,' continues the girl, 'I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.'

At this the midwife again apologies, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, 'Well thank God for that!'

'What do you mean?' says the shocked midwife.

'Well,' says the girl extremely relieved, 'I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!'

Three Girls At The Doctor

A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college. The first girl comes in, takes off her blouse, and as she does, the doctor notices that the girl has a red 'H' imprinted in her stomach. After the examination, the doctor asks the girl how the H came about.

'Well,' she says,' my boyfriend is from Harvard, and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Harvard jumper, even when we make love.'

'Fair enough' thinks the doctor as the girl leaves. But the doctor is surprised when the next girl takes off her blouse and has the same thing, except hers is a red 'Y'. again the doctor asks how it came about.

'Well,' she says, 'my boyfriend is from Yale, and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Yale jumper, even when we make love.'

The doctor is fascinated by this. The next girl enters, takes off her blouse and the doctor sees that on her stomach is a red M.

'Ah, ' says the doctor, 'A boyfriend in Michigan?'

'No,' replies the girl, 'A girlfriend in Wisconsin. why do you ask?'

The Royal Wedding

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

Three Drunk Women

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, 'I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks'.

To which the second gal replied, 'You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!'

And the third proclaimed, 'I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!'

They all looked at each other for a moment.

Then the first gal says: 'Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog.'

Money isn't Everything

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

It can buy you Sex
But not Love

So you see, money is not everything
And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you all this because I am your Friend
And as your Friend, I want to take away all your pain and suffering.

So send me all your Money and I will suffer for you.

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs **** on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch **** like baseball bat.

How to make a Horse cry

A guy walks into a bar and notices a horse standing in the corner.

Intrigued, he asks the bartender what the horse is for. 'It's a contest we're having here.' says the bartender, 'whoever can make the horse laugh will win the money in the pot. So far the pot is up to $5000, cause nobody's done it yet. It costs five dollars to enter.'

The guy decides to give it a try and pays the five dollars. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in it's ear. To the surprise of the bartender the horse starts laughing uncontrollably. The guy collects his winnings and leaves.

Two weeks later, the same guy comes back into the bar and sees the horse in the corner again. He asks why the horse is there this time.

'This time' the bartender says 'whoever can make it cry will win the pot. So far the pot is $10,000. It's almost impossible to do it. Wanna try?'

The guy decides to try it, so he hands the bartender his five dollars, goes over to the horse and whispers in it's ear again. This time, the horse starts crying like a baby and can't stop. The guy goes back to collect his winnings.

'`Wait a minute' the bartender says. 'Before you leave, you have to tell me what you said to the horse to make it laugh AND cry.'

'Well... okay then' says the guy reluctantly.

'The first time, I told the horse that I had a larger penis than he did. The second time, I showed him.'

Eerhardt · Post by **Eerhardt** » Wed May 15, 2002 1:18 am

WARNING
Before reading this, I'd like to warn people for content. I do not intend to offend people, so if you have a problem with it, please PM me and I'll delete. But since I read similar content in this thread, I thought it'd be ok.
*
*
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower,watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. Acouple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Mr.Waesel · Post by **Mr.Waesel** » Wed May 15, 2002 4:11 am

hehehe...

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Wed May 15, 2002 4:14 am

Originally posted by Eerhardt
"Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

FAScinating, Eerhardt...

No worries,

Beldin

BTW - all this talk of Cowboys reminded me of another joke:

There once was a really dumb blonde who had two horses. Now this blonde
couldn't tell her two horses apart so she decided to ask her neighbor to
help he out.
She said to her neighbor, "I have two horses that I can't tell apart,
can you help me?"
"Sure," said her neighbor, "maybe you should nick one of their ears, then
you could tell them apart."
So, the blonde went home and did that. The next day the blonde went to
check up on her horses but saw that she could not tell them apart for the
other horse had nicked it's ear also. So, she went back over to her
neighbor’s.
"My other horse has a nicked ear now to." she said, " Do you have any
other ideas how to tell them apart? They are both girls."
"Hmmmm." thought her neighbor," Cut one's tail shorter than the other!"
So, the blonde went home and did that. The next day, though, both
horses had the same length of tail! So, the blond, tired of walking to
her neighbor’s house decided to call instead.
" I see,” said the neighbor after the blonde told her about how both of
the tails were the same, "Try measuring them, maybe one is taller than the
other."
So the blonde did that then rushed back into her house, phoned her
neighbor and said to her " You were right!! The black horse is bigger
than the white one!"

Eerhardt · Post by **Eerhardt** » Wed May 15, 2002 4:18 am

, Beldin. And those dumb blonde jokes will always do the trick

.

Geckopat · Post by **Geckopat** » Wed May 15, 2002 11:48 pm

One day a naked man and elephant was standing together...
Out of a sudden the elephant keep staring at the naked man for full 15mins.
Then couldn't hold up anymore the elephant asked the man.

"How the hell do u breath throught that tiny fella!?!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 man was trapped on an island...
1 day while searching for food, they found a magic lamp.
so they rub the lamp, and a genie came out.
"Im old.... & weak... so i can oni grant each of u 1 wish instead of 3." said the old genie.

So without wasting any more time 1 of them cried out
"i wish to be with my family nw!!!" and "proof!" he disappeared.

Seeing what happen another 1 quickly said
"i wish to be right home enjoying a bath and having a wonderful dinner" and "proof!" he disappeared too.

The genie was waiting for the last person to make his wish,
but he was so confused and didn't knew what to wish for.
then he bow down his head whispered
"i wish my friends were back here to help me...." and "proof!!!!!"
the two fellas was back on the island...

Moleman · Post by **Moleman** » Fri May 17, 2002 11:02 am

Hello everyone! Have you missed me?

Been away for awhile, but I was in the neighbourhood so I thought to stop by.

---
Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only
question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.

In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.

In South America they did not know what "please" meant.

In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.

And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

---

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention it to him at the moment, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot and feverish love.

After an intense night of passionate sex with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow; the woman rolls over and
asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The man says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Moleman · Post by **Moleman** » Sat May 18, 2002 12:12 am

See attachment

Vicsun · Post by **Vicsun** » Sat May 18, 2002 4:22 am

Originally posted by Moleman
Hello everyone! Have you missed me? Been away for awhile, but I was in the neighbourhood so I thought to stop by.

---
Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only
question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.

In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.

In South America they did not know what "please" meant.

In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.

And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

ROFL!! Nice one! Welcome back btw!

Another one:

Here are the Five Laws of Stupidity:

First Law:
We always underestimate the number of stupid people.

Second Law:
The probability of a person being stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.

Third (and Golden) Law:
A stupid person is someone who causes damage to another person, or a group of people, without any advantage accruing to himself (or herself) -- or even with some resultant self-damage.

Fourth Law:
Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid people. They constantly forget that at any moment, and in any circumstance, associating with stupid people invariably constitutes an expensive mistake.

Fifth Law:
A stupid person is the most dangerous person in existence.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Sat May 18, 2002 10:33 am

sulla on kyllä hyvät vitsit myyrämies

and tervetuloa takas, miettinykki missäs oot ollu