Your Favourite Jokes

[KidD01]

ROFLMAOTIHPSYKM The last one is priceless !

[The Z]

Those Gr. 1's are wiser then me LMAO!

[Maharlika]

This one goes out to Sensei and the SLURRs...

...hmmm...Sensei and the SLURRs, nice name for a boyband.

Anyway, check this out and be advised.

5 Stages of Drunkedness ***

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Well you know what happens at the end of stage 5...

...chee...

[Eerhardt]

** pulls out his shotgun ** Anybody mention boyzbands again? PULL!

ROFL - nice summary, Mah

[Kameleon]

ROFL Mah - I can relate only too well...

[Eerhardt]

With the recent founding of Diablo Players Anonymous...

You know you have played too much Diablo when.....

• You wonder how much of the defence budget goes to stocking up on Scrolls of Resurrect.
• The phrase "Go to Hell" no longer seems particularly offensive.
• You feel a strange sense of apprehension when you visit the butcher at the market.
• You start to develop a liking for drinks that are coloured red, blue and especially golden.
• You tell your friends to switch to "player friendly" mode when they accidentally hit you.
• You wish you knew the Town Portal spell so that you can get home quickly from work/school.
• You start visualising a certain spell whenever you hear Internet techies talk about firewalls.
• You have collected a legit sample of every single item in the game... and know all their stats by heart.
• You wonder how much longer that Stone Curse spell will last each time you pass by a statue.
• You develop a habit of twirling objects in the air as you drop them.
• You drink lots of glasses of orange juice in the hope of increasing your magic proficiency.
• You start kicking the cat to gain experience points.
• A level 50 cheater tries to kill your legit character and fails.
• You wonder how much a school textbook raises your spell level by.
• While surrounded by people at a crowded party, you find yourself instinctivlely heading for a doorway so you can deal with people one at a time.
• You refuse to fix a broken appliance yourself as it will lower the total durability.
• After a hard day of work/school you wonder how many experience points you've gained and where you should distribute your points.
• You go by your Diablo name.
• You try to convince the NYPD that the Arch-Bishop of New York City is really an evil devil-worshipper, and that he is going to sacrifice the mayor's son to the devil.
• You meet a girl and the first thing you ask her about is how much dexterity she has.
• You ask your boss for the next quest.
• You go to church to search for various shrines and open sarcophaguses.
• You start asking people what level they are instead of their ages.

[Beldin]

LISTING FRENZY !!!

Things we have learned from current movies



1. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing device that have large red readouts telling when they are going to go off.

2. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A good German accent will do.

4. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises while wearing their most revealing underwear.

5. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

6. One man shooting at 20 men has la better chance of killing them than 20 men firing one man, if he is the hero.

7. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication system of any invading alien civilization.

8. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.

[Beldin]

LISTING FRENZY pt.2 !!!!

Answering Machine Messages

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

Narrator's voice "There Richard sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
call."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message."

(Direct approach) "Who are you and what do you want?"

"You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is
done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for
literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge
for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . real slowly. So leave
a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

[KidD01]

2 men sentenced for 10 yrs prison was given a kind of last wish by the judge. The first one ask to bring his wife along with him into the prison. The second one, a bachelor thinks very hard on this matter "Let's see I don't drink, I have no wife..........." Finally he asked for 10 years stock of cigarettes since he loves smoking.

10 years later, the first man get out of prison along with his wife and their 2 kids. The second man on the other hand comes out with a horrible expression of stress while holding a cigar..........The first thing he ask to the prison guard who open the door is "Do you have a light ?" Well he doesn't ask for a lighter to be included with the cigars, right ?

[Beldin]

LISTING FRENZY Pt.15 !!!

Men will never win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are over-sexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.


WORRIES !

Beldin

[KidD01]

Q : Name 2 US Great Generals from WW2 !
A : General Electric & General Motors

[Beldin]

Attn.: LONG POST...

....but I like it...

How to speak Southern

Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting
individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."
aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?
Amulance: Ambulance, a vehicle that takes you to a hospital when you crash
your neck car
arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing
Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information
about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. I
makes me mad."
Attair: Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me
attair gravy, please"
Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it
sure does take a lot of awl."
Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl
water without burnin' it."
bidness: commercial enterprise
Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church
this Sunday."
bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a
fiery sauce
Cent: Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't
give fiddy cent for it."
clinics: a tissue
Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world.
"Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."
crine: weeping
Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."
daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex
hold each other and move rhythmicallyto the sound of music
dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami
Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly, my
dear, I don't give a dayum."
doc: a condition caused by an absence of light
Earl: What you lube parts with or fry in.
ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off."
Everwhichways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been
there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens
flew everwhichways.
Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's
about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."
Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at
ya, it's smart to take her some flares."
Gahrill: The front section of a car or in Jungle gloss terms, someone's
face. "Jethro didin' take kindly to that monkey so he got right up in
his gahrill."
goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball
Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable
disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong
drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not
necessarily in that order. " Bubba's a good ole boy."
Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like
griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with
red-eye gravy."
Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta)
"General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it
was."
Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."
hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal
Idee: something a neck thinks. "Ah ain't got no idee."
Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty
hot today, idinit?"
Isis: meaning "I am." For example: "Isis going to da
store for more beer."
Jew: Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there
and read it here?"
Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."
Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta
here. That bartender's doen called the law."
liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept
Likker: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade
white kind that federal authorities frown upon." Does he
drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'
Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo
floor for you, Ma'am?"
Muchablige: Thank you. "muchablige for the lift, mister."
Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the
superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)
ole well: a source of petroleum
Ovair: In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."
Phraisin: Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."
Plowers: What you use to fix things with, a common household tool (aka
pliers outside of Misery)
Plum: Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."
Retch: To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and
caught the ball."
Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."
Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."
Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."
spearmint: something scientists do
stow : establishment where things are sold
Sugar: A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."
Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."
Tar Arns: A tool for changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a
tar arn."
Thoad: Past tense of tho. As in "Nomo thoad a no hitta".
Uhmurkin: Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas
Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."
Viddle's: Anything Mamma can scrape up off the interstate.
War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be
careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."
Warsh: Something most necks only do on big holidays, or just hear about.
Whup: To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin'
a cuss word."
zackly: precisely
Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"



Medical terms translation guide for nawthun educated doctors
Many doctors who open up practice in a southern town can quickly become
confused when using medical terms with the local necks, this glossary is
intended to help them along.

Anti-Body:against everyone.
Artery:A study of fine painting.
Barium:What you do when CPR fails.
Benign:What you are after you be eight.
Bowel:What you do after a good performance.
Cardiac Arrest:To be taken into custody for stealing a Coup De Ville.
Cardiology:The advanced study of Poker playing.
CAT scan:Searching for kitty
Cesarean Section:A district in Rome.
Charley Horse:A 10-1 long shot in the Kentucky Derby.
Coma:A punctuation mark.
Colic:A sheepdog.
Congenital:Very friendly.
Cyst:Nickname for your sister.
Dilate:To live longer.
Enema:Not a friend
Fester:Quicker.
Genes:What you wear when you cut the grass.
G.I. Series:Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
Hangnail:Coat hook.
Hemorrhoid:Male alian from outa space.
Herpes:What the little woman does when we stop at a rest area.
Hormones:What a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid.
Impotent istinguished; well known
Labor pain:Getting hurt at work
Mamogram:A letter to a lady.
Medical Staff:A doctor's cane.
Minor Operation:Coal digging.
Morbid:A higher offer.
Nitrate:Lower than the day rate.
Node:Was aware of.
Organic:Organ repair man.
Outpatient:A person who has fainted.
Pap smear:When dad jumps out of a window.
Paralyze:Two far-fetched stories.
Pelvis:Cousin of Elvis
Post-operative:A letter carrier.
Prostate:A date with a hooker.
Protein:In favor of young people.
Rectum:What your neighbor has done with all the vehicles he ever owned.
Rectum amn near killed 'em.
Scalpal:What you stand on to clean windows on a high-rise building.
Secretion:Hiding anything.
Serology:The study of English Knighthood.
Tablet:A small table.
Tumor:An extra pair.
Urine:The opposite of "You're out".
Varicose Veins:Veins which are very close together.

[Beldin]

"Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex "

• It's legal to play hockey professionally.
  
  The puck is always hard.
  
  The protective equipment is reusable.
  
  It lasts a full hour.
  
  You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
  
  Periods last only 20 minutes.
  
  A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
  
  You can count on it at least twice a week.
  
  Your parents cheer when you score.
  
  You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

[Eerhardt]

words to live by

[Beldin]

Since Christmas is just arund the corner....

Christmas Party

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[Kameleon]

Since I just wrote this out anyway for some guy on IRC...

There's a guy who's just got married, and he gets in a cart with his wife and they set off on their honeymoon. About a mile down the road the donkey pulling the cart stops and refuses to go on. the man gets out, points at the donkey, and says "That's once." The donkey carries on for a couple of miles, where it stops again. the man gets out again and says, "That's twice." They keep going until the donkey stops again. the man gets down, pulls a shotgun out of the back of the cart and blows the donkey's head off. He says to the still-twitching corpse, "That's three times". He calmly gets back into the cart and starts to collect his bags to walk away. His wife stares at him for a minute, then screams, "What the hell did you do that for? I'm not walking, for God's sake! You crazy bastard!" The man looks at her and says, "That's once."

[Beldin]

OUCH ! ....

*lol* @Kam

[Eerhardt]

LOL@the both of you

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

[Beldin]

The Linkmaster strikes again !

Enjoy.

No worries,

Beldin

[Kameleon]

LMFAO

That is truly brilliant...a work of art. I wonder if Kayless can fit it into his avatar...