For anyone who's read The Da Vinci Codes

Morlock · Post by **Morlock** » Sun Jun 27, 2004 2:01 pm

Saw this this morning. I cracked up so hard (I just read the book a few weeks ago).

`The Da Vinci Code,' cracked
by Dave Barry

I have written a blockbuster novel. My inspiration was The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown, which has sold 253 trillion copies in hardcover because it's such a compelling page-turner. NOBODY can put this book down:

MOTHER ON BEACH: Help! My child is being attacked by a shark!

LIFEGUARD (looking up from The DaVinci Code: Not now! I just got to page 243, where it turns out that one of the men depicted in ''The Last Supper'' is actually a woman!

MOTHER: I know! Isn't that incredible? And it turns out that she's . . .

SHARK (spitting out the child): Don't give it away! I'm only on page 187!

The key to The DaVinci Code is that it's filled with startling plot twists, and almost every chapter ends with a ''cliffhanger,'' so you have to keep reading to see what will happen. Using this formula, I wrote the following blockbuster novel, titled The Constitution Conundrum. It's fairly short now, but when I get a huge publishing contract, I'll flesh it out to 100,000 words by adding sentences.

CHAPTER ONE: Handsome yet unmarried historian Hugh Heckman stood in the National Archives Building in Washington, D.C., squinting through the bulletproof glass at the U.S. Constitution. Suddenly, he made an amazing discovery.

''My God!'' he said, out loud. ``This is incredible! Soon I will say what it is.''

CHAPTER TWO: ''What is it?'' said a woman Heckman had never seen before who happened to be standing next to him. She was extremely beautiful, but wore glasses as a sign of intelligence.

''My name is Desiree Legume,'' she said.

Heckman felt he could trust her.

''Look at this!'' he said, pointing to the Constitution.

''My God, that's incredible!'' said Desiree. ``It's going to be very surprising when we finally reveal what we're talking about!''

CHAPTER THREE: ''Yes,'' said Hugh, ``incredible as it seems, there are extra words written in the margin of the U.S. Constitution, and nobody ever noticed them until now! They appear to be in some kind of code.''

''Let me look,'' said Desiree. ``In addition to being gorgeous, I am a trained codebreaker. Oh my God!''

''What is it?'' asked Hugh in an excited yet concerned tone of voice. ''The message,'' said Desiree, ``is . . . ''

But just then, the chapter ended.

CHAPTER FOUR: ''It's a fiendishly clever code,'' explained Desiree. 'As you can see, the words say: `White House White House Bo Bite House, Banana Fana Fo Fite House, Fe Fi Mo Mite House, White House.' ''

''Yes,'' said Hugh, frowning in bafflement. ``But what can it possibly mean?''

''If I am correct,'' said Desiree, ``it is referring to . . . the White House!''

''My God!'' said Hugh. ``That's where the president lives! Do you think . . . ''

''Do I think what?'' said Desiree.

''I don't know,'' said Hugh. ``But we're about to find out.''

CHAPTER FIVE: Hugh and Desiree crouched in some bushes next to the Oval Office.

''We'd better hurry up and solve this mystery,'' remarked Desiree anxiously. ''It's only a matter of time before somebody notices that the Constitution is missing.'' She had slipped it into her purse at the National Archives while the guard wasn't looking.

''The answer must be here somewhere,'' said Hugh, studying the ancient document, which was brown from age and the fact that he had spilled Diet Peach Snapple on it.

''Wait a minute!'' he said. ``I've got it!''

''What?'' said Desiree, her breasts heaving into view.

''The answer!'' said Hugh. ``It's . . .

But just then, shots rang out.

CHAPTER SIX: ''That was close!'' remarked Desiree. ``Fortunately, those shots had nothing to do with the plot of this book.''

''Yes,'' said Hugh. ``Anyway, as I was saying, the answer is to hold the Constitution up so that it is aligned with the White House and the Washington Monument. . . . There, do you see what I mean?''

''My God!'' said Desiree, seeing what he meant. ``It's . . . ''

''Hold it right there,'' said the president of the United States.

CHAPTER SEVEN: '' . . . and so you see,'' concluded the president, ``you two uncovered a shocking and fascinating secret that, if it should ever get out, could change the course of history.''

''Mr. President,'' said Desiree, ``thank you for that riveting and satisfying explanation, which will be fleshed out into much greater detail once there is a publishing contract.''

''Also,'' noted Hugh, ``we may use some beverage other than Snapple, depending on what kind of product-placement deals can be worked out.''

''Good,'' said the president. ``Now can I have the Constitution back?''

They all enjoyed a hearty laugh, for they knew that the movie rights were also available.

Rob-hin · Post by **Rob-hin** » Mon Jun 28, 2004 8:58 am

Lol, sounds like a 'must read'

Ned Flanders · Post by **Ned Flanders** » Mon Jun 28, 2004 9:51 am

that's good stuff, exactly like reading brown's book

fable · Post by **fable** » Mon Jun 28, 2004 9:53 am

Pretty damn good parody, and close enough to the mark to draw blood.

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 5:55 pm

I dug up this because I finally gave in to group pressure and read the bloody book, and after 2 chapters I remembered this accurate parody.

The book was horrible. The tricks were really cheap and the end so anticlimactic it made me annoyed. Of course I should have known better, I had decided long ago not to read this book, but - more and more people around me claim they thought it was good, and I can't very well keep a negative attitude towards a book I haven't read. So I read is yesterday night, but I refused to buy it so I borrowed it from a friend.

I thought it was like a tabloid version of Umberto Eco's fiction. Not only did the cheap cliffhangers annoy me, it also annoyed me that the riddles which are supposed to be made by this expert in crypto and semiotics, and only dechifferable by other experts, were so ridiculously simple - and I'm not even good at riddles, I just happen to have gone through primary school and be familiar with France and the UK. The most disappointing part was the ending, though. What could have been at least a decent thriller, suitable for reading while waiting for a delayed flight in half-asleep condition, was totally spoiled by the end. Not only did the writer present common knowledge as if it were something dramatic, but it also had a sentimental and guess what! romantic flavour. Sigh. I am sure it will be apt as a Hollywood movie. A pity I wasted 5 hours reading this crap.

PS - the writer must now have known any French women in his life, the very idea that a French city woman in her 30's would be so shocked by seeing somebody close to her participate in a sex-cult so she refused to ever talk to that person, cleary comes from an American!

Morlock · Post by **Morlock** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 6:08 pm

I liked the book for a good part of it. But then it just became so stupid. I found it to be so badly written. The only part that made it good was all the mythology and supposed 'history' he brought to it (despite how ridicules and untrue most of it is).

I'm now reading the Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. One great book.

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 6:33 pm

I thought the first 150 pages were decent, like I had expected - after that it went downhill quickly.

The mythology and part of the history is correct and documented - the idea that Mary Magdalene was Jesus' wife is not new, and that symbols and references to the female and to sexuality was supressed by the church early in the history of christianity, is nothing controversial really. (Maybe it is among some fundamentalist groups in the US? I am not sure, the ideas presented in the book are anyway not new although they are a mix of well documented facts and speculative interpretations.) The writer of the novel of course makes it sound like a big deal and like it was some hidden secret and big mystery and blahblah. If you are interested in the history of christian cults and early christian mythology, and still like a good thriller, I really recommend Umberto Eco's "The Pendulum". Not only is it written by a scholar who is very knowledgable, and who doesn't care how big profit he makes from his novels, it's also written by somebody who can actually write. Eco is no James Joyce, but he is a writer who knows his handicraft and he can tell an interesting story without falling back on cheap commercial tricks.

Tower_Master · Post by **Tower_Master** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 7:15 pm

HA!
That's the greatest thing ever. Seriously - I found the book to be an over-hyped, under-written, predictabally bland load of (ahem). That parody made my day! It's so close, it's GOT to hurt!