Once more dear friends! Jokes thread!

[Ravager]

Bingo and Illness related joke

Here's one:

Subject: Yellow 24

A man goes to the doctor. The doc checks him over, and says "sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught, she
asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before.
He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize £350, and then gets
any line and wins £3200. He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand.

The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4 corners, any line, full house and the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky."

"Lucky??" he screamed, "lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24."

" [Deleted by Maharlika] me," says the bingo caller, "You've won the raffle as well"!

---------------------------

And another:

A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is on heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you". Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem, You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home".

@ Ravager: Please be guided accordingly. Check the forum rules on avoiding the language filter. Thanks - Maharlika

[Denethorn]

Loved that last one Ravager

[Oscuro_Sol]

Ravagey, not Ravager.

[Chimaera182]

LMAO @ 2nd joke

There was a line to get into Heaven, and Saint Peter was going through the list when a nun approached him. "Hello there, sister. I must ask, have you ever touched a penis?" "Yes, once, with a finger." Saint Peter says, "Dip the finger in the holy water, then go into Heaven."

A second nun approaches. "Welcome, sister. I must ask, have you ever touched a penis?" "Yes, once, I gave a hand job." Saint Peter says, "Dip the hand in the holy water, then go into Heaven."

As the second nun dips her hand in the holy water, a scuffle breaks out between a pair of nuns further back in the line. Saint Peter goes to investigate and finds the two nuns. "What's going on here?" he asks.

The first nun says, "It's just that if I'm going to have to gargle holy water, I'd rather do it before Sister Lisa sticks her rear in it."

[Maharlika]

A reminder, everyone.

Jokes are fun and I would like to think that we are all matured enough to take some gutter talk...

... however, please keep in mind that we have forum rules to follow.

Be guided accordingly.

Carry on with the witty jokes.

Thanks.

[Grimar]

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."

Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, " You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[Grimar]

An Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist, and a Government Worker were debating how smart their cats were.

To prove that his cat was the smartest, the Engineer called to his cat "T-Square, do your stuff. "

T-Square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called to his cat and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do even better. He called to his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, and walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, and an eight ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[TheAmazingOopah]

Well, came back from my trip through Estonia two hours ago, and it really was an interesting experience. The group that I travelled with, consisted of Estonians, quite some Germans ("Alter Schwede!") and two Dutchies. And because my brother and I were those Dutchies, a German boy told us this joke:


There once lived a very wealthy Swiss banker in a beautiful country house, with a very big garden. In the garden, many fruit trees stood. The apple tree was placed nearby a wandering route that slandered along the edge of the garden. As the house was located in a magnificent mountain area, many travelers walked by, and as the apples looked so fabulously red and juicy, they often plucked one for a short snack on the way.
After some time, the Swiss banker got heavily annoyed with this, for he was very fond of the apples. However, he didn't choose to build a fence around the garden, as that would ruin his view, so he picked an alternative way to satisfy his annoyance: his security guards got down in the bushes, and would grab the tourists that would dare to pluck another apple, drag them into the house to lock them up downstairs and present them each twenty hits with the good 'ol mat clopper.

At the end of the day, the banker got into his basement to regard his catch. Three men had been caught that day: A Dutch, a French and a German. The banker still wanted to go on with his plan, but as he had gotten a bit tipsy on the wine that he drunk for dinner, he decided to be a bit more fair: besides the twenty hits, the three lads would each be granted a wish.

So the Dutch guy went first. The banker spoke: "You will now receive a beating of twenty hard hits on the back, for stealing one of my fine apples. Though I will give grant you a wish - regarding your punishment naturally. What shall it be?" The Dutch guy thought about this, and as his eyes wandered to a pile of pillows in a half-open closet, he said "I would like to have a pillow bound on my back to take in the beating". It happened as he requested, and the pillow got bound on his back. Still, he fell down on the floor after ten hits - the pillow couldn't prevent that.
Then the French got his turn. "What may be your wish?", the banker gargled. "One pillow apparently isn't strong enough, so I will double that: two pillows please." Two pillows he got. Still, he went down after fifteen beats - he had a low pain endurance.
Last, the German had to go. The Swiss banker had by now began to really enjoy this kind of torture. However, he decided to treat the German differently: "German, eh? Well, you are definitely a good folk, with your soccer team and the civilised language; listen up, I will give you not one, but two wishes!" This was a delight for the German, but he still had to endure the beating. He thought some time, then he spoke:

"Firstly, I would like to increase the twenty hits to a number of fifty hits.
Secondly, I do not need pillows to be bound on my back. Let it be the Dutch guy"

[Kipi]

Okay, as heavy metal fan I must post this one, which I heard from my friend:

Music works like Periodic Table:
There are metals, semi-metals and non-metals

[Grimar]

[QUOTE=Kipi]Okay, as heavy metal fan I must post this one, which I heard from my friend:

Music works like Periodic Table:
There are metals, semi-metals and non-metals

[/QUOTE]

LOL!!! great one!

[Revan Reborn]

Well, even though it isn't christmas yet, I have a christmas joke.


Alright, there once lived a parrot named Chet. If you held a lit a match under his right foot, he would sing "We wish you a merry christmas". If you held a lit match under his left foot, he would sing "Jingle Bells". Now, Guess what would happen if you held a lit match in between both legs? The parrot would start to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

[Locke Da'averan]

well i'm not completely sure if this is not allowed and if it's not feel free to delete the post mods..


a white man on a safari decided to wander off in the jungle in hopes of finding better prey since the loot handn't been too good lately.. he wandered in the jungle, deeper and deeper and all of a sudden he realises that he has no idea where he came and where to go. he had used all of his ammo to fend off wild animals and was getting very thirsty and hungry.

when he thought all was lost and there was no way for him to survive, a native chieftain suddenly walked up to him from the bushes and said in somewhat crummy english: "die or wamba"

the man thought that although he doesn't know what wamba means it's certainly better choice than dying, so he said to the chieftain: "wamba"

immediately 50 big black men came from the bushes and "had their way with him". then the chieftain gave him some food and water and with tears in his eyes and a slightly difficult walking style he then followed the chieftain to the edge of the jungle and the chieftain left him there.

just as the man left the thick forest and stepped into the plains, he remembered that his rifle, the rifle his father and grandfather had used and it was his most priced possession was still in the small opening at which the chieftain first met him. little bit scared the man was still confident that he could simply backtrack his traces and get the rifle and get out of the jungle.

well the man walked rather confidently into jungle again but after 5minutes he realised he was completely lost again. a day passed, and another one, and the man was again in mortal danger lying next to a tree certain that this was the final call for him, when just as surprisingly as the first time, the same chieftain walks from the middle of the bushes and says:"die or wamba"

the man sighs now knowing fully well what "wamba" means but still the man chooses "wamba" in order to see his family again. and just like the first time, the 50 black men come out of the jungle and the same thing happens, again.

the pain is excruciating and the man has to gather all his willpower not to cry infront of the chief. once again the chief hands the man some food and water and leads him to the edge of the jungle.

relieved the rejoices to see the sun on the sky and the gentle breeze on his face as reality hits him.. the damn rifle is still in the small opening at which the chieftain first found him. smartened from the first two wanderings he entwines a rope from the wines that will lead him out of the jungle that he ties to the nearest tree and promptly walks into the depths of the jungle.

after 2hours of systematic research the man accidently stumbles on the rifle, hits his head and loses his conciousness for hours.. when he wakes up he realises that the rope is cutted and he is once again lost, grabbing the rifle he starts panicking and simply runs into one direction until he runs out of breath and falls to the ground breathing heavily. he decides to just lie there as long as it take for death to come for him but only an hour later the same chieftain comes once again through the bushes and says once again:"die or wamba"

the man certain that he cannot take the "wamba" for a third time decides to farewell his family in his mind and announces to the chieftain: "death"
to which the chieftain shouts loudly: "death by wamba!"




sorry if it was sucky and you read it through...

[TheAmazingOopah]

No, that one's not sucky, it's very funny!

I already knew it, but that wamba joke sure is funny, every time..

[Lestat]

Difference between courage & guts

Courage is coming home in the middle of the night, utterly P'ed, seeing your wife ready with a broom and then say: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying off somewhere?”

Guts is coming home in the middle of the night, utterly P'ed, smelling of perfume and with lipstick on your collar, smack your wife's bottom and say: “You're next”.

[Fenix]

[QUOTE=Lestat]Courage is coming home in the middle of the night, utterly P'ed, seeing your wife ready with a broom and then say: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying off somewhere?”
[/QUOTE]

Hahaha! Gotta try that sometime.

Here's one a friend told me:
This Mexican and his Czech friend are out hunting bears one day, when suddenly an enormous giant male bear pops out of the forest. The Mexican, scared for his life, turns and runs away, however his friend is too stunned to move, so the bear swallows him whole. As the Mexican is running away, he hears his friend shouting inside the bear's stomach.

So he runs to the local ranger, and tells him his story: "Look, you've gotta help me, this HUGE male bear swallowed my Czech friend, and he's still alive inside him", so the ranger agrees to help him and together they set off looking for this bear.

Shortly after, they find their way into the bears lair, where the large male bear that ate the guy is sleeping. The Mexican yells: "That's him! that's the male bear that ate my Czech friend" - at this time, the bears mate, a much smaller bear, walks into the lair, and the ranger shoots her instead of the male, who flees at the gunshot. The Mexican screams "What the hell are you doing? My friend is in the male bear!"
And the ranger replies: "Never trust a Mexican when he says the Czech's the male"

[penguin_king]

cruelty is putting a blind man in circular room and telling him to sit in the corner.

[Ravager]

My opportunity to cheer people up....

A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich behind him. The

waitress asks for their orders. The Man says, "A Hamburger, fries, and a
coke," and she turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
£9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change in payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke". The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact amount.
This becomes routine until the two enter some days later and the
waitress says "The usual?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount from his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a bottle of milk or a Rolls Royce the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But Sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Fiona]

A man goes into a bar carrying a seal cub.

Bartender: What can I get you?
Man: A pint of lager and a Canadian Club

[Chimaera182]

LMAO Ravager.

lmao, I was wondering if I knew any Christmas jokes, since it's the season already (after all, stores in south Florida have been selling Christmas decorations since August). I didn't, so I grabbed the joke book next to me, opened up to a page, and wala! Christmas joke. It's a bit dirty, though...


A 5 year old girl crawls onto Santa's lap at the local mall. Santa asks her, "What do you want for Christmas, little girl?"

She replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

"But little girl, Barbie doesn't come with G.I. Joe," Santa replies.

"Yes, she does," the little girl insists.

Santa replies, "Barbie doesn't come with G.I. Joe; she comes with Ken."

"No," the little girl says. "Barbie does come with G.I. Joe. She only fakes it with Ken."

[Athena]

Divert your course

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees to the north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.