Santa Stalker

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 6:03 pm

The time has come yet again. Christmas season is upon us...well, sort of anyway. Therefore, it's time for all the good little SYMers to gather and tell Santa Stalker what they want this year. I've even went all out. I have eight ostriches with deer antlers tied to their heads( We have an ostrich farm near enough to rustlebirds, but no reindeer) pulling a very seasonal wheelbarrow with "Seesuns Greetin's" written on the side in expensive crayon.

So, come forth, never mind what I've stained my clothes with to color them red, ignore the dunce cap with the paper snowball at the end of it, and tell Santa Stalker what you want this year.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 6:07 pm

*looks carefully around*

*mutters to Santa Stalker*

A new computer please....

Fiona · Post by **Fiona** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 6:29 pm

Santa...I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a human if I only had a heart

Please...I'll be really really good

Hill-Shatar · Post by **Hill-Shatar** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 6:40 pm

Dear great one- can I have [url="http://www.frozenreality.co.uk/comic/bunny/index.php?id=98"]this[/url]?

Luis Antonio · Post by **Luis Antonio** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 7:13 pm

Dear Santa Stalker,

I've been a good nice and sweet little economist the whole year. I even helped out my sister not to spend her whole money in the same places. Also, I've worked hard and cleaned my room every week. Almost.

So, I know this is hard. And stuff, cause you must keep a bigger bag for it. But can I have my own spaceship?

Thanks,

L A

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 10:13 pm

[QUOTE=Fiona]Santa...I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a human if I only had a heart

Please...I'll be really really good[/QUOTE]

You're in luck. My neighbor just butchered a hog and had no use for it's heart. Start checking your mail early next week.

And for the record, being good is not the way to Santa's good graces.

@DW....A new computer huh? After much thought, I have decided in my infinate wisdom that a lady such as yourself deserves nothing less than a classic. Therefore,this will be arriving shortly.[url="http://www.smith.edu/hsc/museum/ancient_inventions/images/abacus1.jpg"]http://www.smith.edu/hsc/museum/ancient_inventions/images/abacus1.jpg[/url]

As I said, a lady such as youself knows how to approach Santa Stalker and what bribes work. I took put the elevs that would have been at work on your new system to work in Santa's brewery.

@Hill....I don't see the attraction myself with that gift, but as you wish. Santa Stalker has left an order on your behalf and one of those robot thingies will be making it's way to your home shortly to have it's way with you. Please remember to properly grease the action lest your gift lack staying power on those cold December nights.

@ Luis....you're attempts to sway Santa Stalker with your do goodly actions have struck a nerve. I find such actions repulsive, and care little for your attempts to rule your sisters life. Therefore, I have decided to reject your request, seeing as you probably only wished to probe Uranus anyway. However, Santa Stalker is not without compassion, and has decided to send the aliens to you. Please be gentle with them, and stop looking at the size of Santa's bag.

Phreddie · Post by **Phreddie** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 10:22 pm

I twas going to ask for an amphibious car, not that i would be displeased by one of course, but you see, when sifting through old thread, dear santa stalker, I came across your wonderings for your lady love in the SYM tunnels, I would enjoy much if you would complete that journey.

dj_venom · Post by **dj_venom** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 11:04 pm

Dear Santa Stalker,

I've sent you many letters that have never been answered, and left biscuits out that were never eaten, and milk that was never drunk. As such, you owe me.

I want an oompaloompa.

darkeningfire · Post by **darkeningfire** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:25 am

[QUOTE=Bloodstalker]You're in luck. My neighbor just butchered a hog and had no use for it's heart. Start checking your mail early next week.[/QUOTE]

Hog heart. That's good eatin'. I'd spit roast it and serve it up with a mess a of sweet taters. Don't send Turkey. That's naughty, not nice.

I could do with a couple of new knives, maybe a sharpener too. A roadkill chef's gotta keep his tools sharp.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:39 am

Geeze BS,
are you going to take this kind of abuse on your favourite beverage?

Hmm... I'll say one thing for that new computer, it looks pretty crash proof...

Ertai · Post by **Ertai** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:51 am

Mmm Mmm, Nuthin' like crayons`

Expensive crayon? Would it be made of gold perhaps? Well, speaking of golden edibles, I'd like a golden egg.

I'm sure it won't last long though, I might fry it up on one of my more groggy mornings

Sytze · Post by **Sytze** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:57 am

Dear BSanta.

This year I've payed special attention to being extra annoying. It even bordered on being either a complete fool, or an evil maniac. I hope I did well in your eyes!

I left some good whisky and crispy chips at the hearth, just in case you grace me with your appearance.

As for my present, I wish all the DF's nicely tied up and scantly dressed under my Christmas tree. Toys and other equipment are not necessary, but if you feel especially creative, I don't mind if you delivered them together with the main present.

I am sure this is not too much to ask. The gifts will be used properly. :mischief:

Luis Antonio · Post by **Luis Antonio** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 7:31 am

[QUOTE=Bloodstalker]

@ Luis....you're attempts to sway Santa Stalker with your do goodly actions have struck a nerve. I find such actions repulsive, and care little for your attempts to rule your sisters life. Therefore, I have decided to reject your request, seeing as you probably only wished to probe Uranus anyway. However, Santa Stalker is not without compassion, and has decided to send the aliens to you. Please be gentle with them, and stop looking at the size of Santa's bag.[/QUOTE]

I am pervert enough to lie to santa, the real Santa, and you wont help me?

But ok, ok. Uranus must be good. Can I go there? :laugh:

ik911 · Post by **ik911** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 8:05 am

Dear SS,

All I want for christmas this year is peace on earth and no more hunger for the poor kids in distant lands.

That is why I urge you to stop putting funds in capitalist toys for rich children, but divert those cashflows to creating durable food resources in Africa and other third world countries with foodshortages.

Mister Santa, you can change the world. If you don't, I'm going to insult you. A lot.

And I want a cementmill.

Much love, ik911

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 8:11 pm

[QUOTE=dj_venom]Dear Santa Stalker,

I've sent you many letters that have never been answered, and left biscuits out that were never eaten, and milk that was never drunk. As such, you owe me.

I want an oompaloompa.

[/QUOTE]

Such a letter shows a certain amount of attitude and sleaziness. Demanding things rather than asking for them is something that Santa can truly appreciate. However, do not be decieved into thinking Santa owes you anything because he ingored your pathetic bribe attempts. Did it ever occur to you that if you leave milk out once and it isn't accepted it's just because it's a sucky thing to leave? I thought not.

And why would you want an oomaloompa? They can't be more than waist high.....oh. Santa sees. Unfortunatly, Santa is contractually obligated to refuse on the basis that you are now a suspected pervy hobbit fancier. I may send you a hairy footed elf though.

@phreddie. Santa Stalker still has trauma to deal with from his last journies in the tunnels. Along with several restraining orders that present future writings involving certain memebers of the board. Besides, Santa is a very lazy individual.

@DF..>Santa applauds your culinary tastes. you show definate refinment that so many people here lack. However, you do poorly to mock Turkey. Still, santa has decided to be gracious and grant you a special gift. I had the order placed with the elves to construct you a vehicle suited for road kill. The plans had blades portruding from the outside of the vehicle, but the elves couldn't read my writing. Therefore, the blades have been moved. Santa would suggets steel seated pants for driving the vehicle when you recieve it, but something tells Santa you really wouldn't mind the portruding blades in the seat. Think of it as a little something extra under your tree so to speak.

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 8:25 pm

[QUOTE=Sytze]Dear BSanta.

This year I've payed special attention to being extra annoying. It even bordered on being either a complete fool, or an evil maniac. I hope I did well in your eyes!

I left some good whisky and crispy chips at the hearth, just in case you grace me with your appearance.

As for my present, I wish all the DF's nicely tied up and scantly dressed under my Christmas tree. Toys and other equipment are not necessary, but if you feel especially creative, I don't mind if you delivered them together with the main present.

I am sure this is not too much to ask. The gifts will be used properly. :mischief:[/QUOTE]

Attention people. This is a proper letter of supplication. Not the reverence expressed, the bribes suitably for one of Santas stature, and a truly decadent ans self serving gift request.

Santa is very sorry however, that the elves refused to part with the scantily clad clothing. They started trying them on, one thing led to another, and well....elves will be elves I supposed. I sincerely hope you don;t find it too disturbing that Santa must deliver the gifts sans those clothes.

Also, expect Santa to be there as well. Must make sure the gifts function as promised. Santa is a stickler for quality control.

@Ertai...a golden egg? Santa has no geese at the North Pole. However, the reigndeer stalls have just been cleaned. I've sent the elves a bucket of gold paint and a shovel. Expect your gift shortly

@Luis... Santa is not easy. Try the Easter Bunny.

@Ik...Santa gets this request every year, and the answer is always the same. The request is unacceptable. Sants could end world hunger yes, but if Santa killed all living things then what would Santa spend his dollor bills on anymore when no one worked at the strip club? Santa advises that since you are such an idealist, you would do well to save the cost of a stamp, cancel your internect connection, sell your computer, and give that money to the poor. Santa does not do your own work for you.

RE the cement mill, Santa has one for you. Please stand under the cement shoot to make sure it isn;t blocked like a good lad.

dj_venom · Post by **dj_venom** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 9:05 pm

[QUOTE=Bloodstalker]And why would you want an oomaloompa? They can't be more than waist high.....oh. Santa sees. Unfortunatly, Santa is contractually obligated to refuse on the basis that you are now a suspected pervy hobbit fancier. I may send you a hairy footed elf though.[/QUOTE]

Now, I resent that... I'm too tall... a box is needed

. Nah, I actually want it just to poke it and torture it for making me have to listen to all the songs

.

And if you send the hairy footed elf, just remember that if there is too much hair, I will consider using it to tie up your reindeer hostage just so I can get my oompaloompa .

And I demand you let me demand from you

.

Hill-Shatar · Post by **Hill-Shatar** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 9:18 pm

@Hill....I don't see the attraction myself with that gift, but as you wish. Santa Stalker has left an order on your behalf and one of those robot thingies will be making it's way to your home shortly to have it's way with you. Please remember to properly grease the action lest your gift lack staying power on those cold December nights.

Why thanks to you dear Santa, but I wanted this gift so that I can stay exited enough to use my other greased tool in a more outgoing manner, for longer periods of time... usually a week will suffice.

Phreddie · Post by **Phreddie** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 6:36 am

Sir Santa Stalker:

I humbly request an order of 35 Oompa Loompas, 40 Keebler Elves, and 100 Smurfs, this is due the accident in te factories occuring last week. I need replacements, and the company cannot afford them at this time.

thank you,

Your humble sesrvant, Phreddie

Patrick · Post by **Patrick** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:40 pm

Dear BSsanta, I would love for christmas to eat, drink and be merry. With that also I would like all the componets for my Guiness keg, to run it and opperate it. (Hoses and tap and spout and regulator{DUEL}, and a 10lb Nitro/Co2 tank. Also if it is not to much a keg ice holder and a ice bag. No need to burden the deer with a kegorator, Best wishes to misses Blood Stalker Santa. Kiss to all and to all a good k night iss