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Heretic

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, 'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'

So the three wise men die and go to Heaven.

The first wise man approaches St. Peter, who says, "In order to get into Heaven, you must answer me this one question correctly." The wise man agrees. "What was the name of the garden that Adam and Eve were in?" The wise man says, "Oh, that's easy: Eden." The birds chirp, the bells ring, and the gates open.

The second wise man approaches the gates of Heaven and is similarly stopped. "In order to get into Heaven, you must answer me this one question correctly." The wise man agrees. "What was the name of the first Man made by God?" The wise man says, "Oh, that's easy: Adam." The birds chirp, the bells ring, and the gates open.

The third wise man now approaches the pearly gates and is stopped by St. Pater. "You must answer me this one question correctly in order to get into Heaven." The wise man agrees to the terms. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The wise man thinks. He says, "Hrm, that's a hard one."

The birds chirp, the bells ring, and the gates open.

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. It's a very handy thing, God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability?"

Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly. It would be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to." On and on he went like an excited little boy...

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would make him happy and she wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position.

He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms... "

Since when did women have multiple orgasms? I was under the impression most men found it hard enough to get women to have one.

Yeah, when a man is involved, it seems to be harder. Perhaps because his mind is on 'standing while urinating', making him less focused...

Q: What's white and hurts a lot when it hits you in the eye?

That could be said about anything, but I dunno, what's white and hurts a lot when it hits you in the eye?

please guys(and girls).. JOKE thread

the husband came home from work and told his wife: Darling, i have horrible news to tell you!

what is it then? answerd his wife.

well, you know my work at the tomato factory.. lately, i have felt i strong urge to stick my penis in the tomato cutter.

his wife looks confused and shocked, and dont know what to answer, and simply say: well, we shall talk about this later.

the wife doesnt know what to do, so she goes to an advicer for advice. he answers: well, let your man solve this himself, and tell him it is ok for you that he does this, and then you'l see that he will withdraw from his "plan", 'couse he'l not have to guts to it it when the moment arrives. ok then! answered the wife.

when she get home, she tell her man that he can do as he want about it.

the next day, he get back from work, and tell his wife: darling.. i did it! i'm so sorry! can you forgive me?

his wife get a real stunned face, and answers with a thin voice: i guess i can, but what did your boss say?

Well, he fired me!

but have to ask, what happend with the tomato cutter?

well, she also got fired

Ah, that's rich, Grimar. Good one.

[QUOTE=TheAmazingOopah] Q: What's white and hurts a lot when it hits you in the eye?[/QUOTE]
A: An Aeroplane

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This one's evil - in his own way:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

LOL! thats a frustrating joke! must be funny to tell

[QUOTE=Grimar]please guys(and girls).. JOKE thread

the husband came home from work and told his wife: Darling, i have horrible news to tell you!...[/QUOTE]
LOL I've heard that joke before, but it was a pickle slicer and the man was talking to a therapist of some kind.

and LMAO at Oopah's joke.


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour, telling him just about everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3 -pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.

"I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to have sex with her all night long." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will probably be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to him, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

HAHAHA!! nice one

Two Newlyweds...

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says, "I can deal with that."

He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway."

The husband says, "I have something to confess also."

She says, "No matter what I will still love you."

He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."

She says, "I can deal with that."

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

After a year together, the couple finally got a baby...

after some time, the baby started speaking. it's first word was "grandpa", and the next day, his grandpa died. the next morning, the baby said "grandma", and the day after, his grandma died. After that, the baby said "uncle", and the following day, his uncle died. The babys next word was "daddy", and the next day the neighbor died

@Grimar - hehehe, that's funny.

@Chimaera - Wow, that could be the funniest joke I've heard in a long time


Technicaly, not a joke, but still worth it:



1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Pizza Hut)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like... ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be £10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Hut)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Hut), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now?"

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

ROFL!! many of those got me laughing good! 34 was really funny

[QUOTE=Grimar]After a year together, the couple finally got a baby...

after some time, the baby started speaking. it's first word was "grandpa", and the next day, his grandpa died. the next morning, the baby said "grandma", and the day after, his grandma died. After that, the baby said "uncle", and the following day, his uncle died. The babys next word was "daddy", and the next day the neighbor died [/QUOTE]
ROFL! That's f'ed up right there.

[QUOTE=TheAmazingOopah]@Chimaera - Wow, that could be the funniest joke I've heard in a long time [/QUOTE]
-bows- Thank you. I stole it from a friend of mine. I have a particular gem of a one I'll post later.

Little Billy woke up one night to some noises from his parents' bedroom. Getting up to investigate, he opens the door and finds his mom naked and on top of his dad. Curious, Billy asks, "Mom, what are you doing?" The mother says, "Oh, well, Billy, your dad is so fat that mommy has to jump on his belly to get the air out of him." Billy considers that. "I wouldn't bother, mommy. The lady next door will just blow him up again."

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

Please read forum rules.

ROFL!

A male and female whale were swimming along in the ocean when they came across a large boat. "Hey!" the male whale exclaims. "That's the same fishing ship that killed my parents! Let's sink it." The female whale asks how they would accomplish such a feat. "Well, we'll swim under the ship, blow out of our blowholes really really hard, and the boat will tip over and sink." The female whale agrees.

The two whales swim under the boat, blow out of the blowholes really really hard, and, sure enough, the boat tips over, throwing the crew overboard, and then sinks. The sailors are thrashing about in the water, unable to swim. The male whale says, "Okay, now let's eat them!"

The female whale says, "Okay, now wait. It's bad enough I did a [deleted by Maharlika] , but there's no way I'm swallowing [deleted by Maharlika] ."

@Chimaera182: Although this is a case of wordplay, phonetically it is very much vulgar. Please be guided accordingly. Thanks. Maharlika

LMAO!!


Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: I reckon he's an accountant.
James: No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: 'scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chris: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris: I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: What's that then?
Chris: I'll try and explain by example. Do you have a goldfish?
James: Nope.
Chris: Well then, you're a wanker.


I will leave tomorrow for Berlin, to take the plane to Estonia the next day, where me and ten others will have a bike tour for ten days. Though I'm very sure that in the pasttime the rest will still crack some wonderful jokes . Cheerio.

[QUOTE=Deadalready]It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, 'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'[/QUOTE]




pmsl that's the funniest joke i've ever heard