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Once more dear friends! Jokes thread!

Anything goes... just keep it clean.
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Fenix
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Post by Fenix »

[QUOTE=Athena]
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.[/QUOTE]


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
"It is not a Commonwealth division, it is an Australian Division. Why, give me two Australian Divisions and I will conquer the world for you!" - The Desert Fox
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TonyMontana1638
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Post by TonyMontana1638 »

Not a joke per se, but you can use it in real life to great effect (I've stolen it from Steve Martin):

You: Hey, is that a baby? How old is he/she?

Person: 2 years old (insert any age below 15 here).

You: Perfect I've got a great joke for it...
Ok, so these two lesbians walk into a bar... :D

That one gets me every time :) .
"Be thankful you're healthy."
"Be bitter you're not going to stay that way."
"Be glad you're even alive."
"Be furious you're going to die."
"Things could be much worse."
"They could be one hell of a lot better."
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Brynn
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Post by Brynn »

[QUOTE=TheAmazingOopah]Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. It's a very handy thing, God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability?"

Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly. It would be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to." On and on he went like an excited little boy...

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would make him happy and she wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position.

He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms... "[/QUOTE]
Hehe :D 10/10 :laugh:
Up the IRONS!
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Brynn
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Post by Brynn »

[QUOTE=TonyMontana1638]Not a joke per se, but you can use it in real life to great effect (I've stolen it from Steve Martin):

You: Hey, is that a baby? How old is he/she?

Person: 2 years old (insert any age below 15 here).

You: Perfect I've got a great joke for it...
Ok, so these two lesbians walk into a bar... :D

That one gets me every time :) .[/QUOTE]
:confused:
Up the IRONS!
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TheAmazingOopah
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Post by TheAmazingOopah »

[QUOTE=Athena]This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees to the north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.[/QUOTE]
Very funny by itself. :) Hilarious because it really happened. :D
Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work. - H.L. Hunt
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Athena
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Post by Athena »

Harvesting a profit...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
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