First, we kill all the lawyers

Astafas · Post by **Astafas** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 7:20 am

Originally posted by Dottie
I dont mock lawyers, Its like kicking a tied up child.

We should definitely talk this over next time we meet, young one...

Baldursgate Fan · Post by **Baldursgate Fan** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 7:38 am

Originally posted by fable

That this view of lawyers is ancient can be seen by the following little collection I've made over the past day (and there are many more, but these are the most fun examples):

"The Devil makes his Christmas pie of lawyer's tongues." -16th century English proverb

"God has not given laws to make out of right wrong, and out of wrong right, as the unChristianlike lawyers do, who study law only for the sake of gain and profit." -Martin Luther, Table-Talk, 1569

"A man may as well open an oyster without a knife as a lawyer's mouth without a fee." -Barten Holyday, 1618

"What's the first excellence in a lawyer? Tautology. What's the second? Tautology. What's the third? Tautology." -Richard Steele, 1701

God works wonders now and then;
Behold! -A lawyer, an honest man." -Ben Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac, 1733

"A man without money needs no more fear a crowd of lawyers than a crowd of pickpockets." -William Wycherley, The Plain Dealer (funny play, btw), 1674

Very quaint collection you have there, Fable.

I take all this in good stride and besides, I have already gotten even in "How many mods does it take to change a lightbulb."

Here are some more real life quotations for your collection:

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man."
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Lawyer: "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
(Sorry, can't resist this gem of a canuck joke)

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

Cheers.

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 7:49 am

Originally posted by Astafas

I'll suck your blood and take your money!

Trust a lawyer to think like that...

No worries,

Beldin

Witch King · Post by **Witch King** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 5:22 pm

Re: Come into my web!

Originally posted by Weasel

Foul being serious? I very well doupt this, more like putting out bait to catch the unwise.

First to be caught....

>>>>>What was that Aegis? <<<<<

ROTFFLMFAOZZXEEW

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 5:30 pm

Originally posted by Astafas

I have arrived, beautiful one. Tremble before my wrath, mortals - I'll suck your blood and take your money!

True to his lawyer nature, I see - what can be worse that a vampire laywer?

Now wait, aren't those synonyms?

I'll meet my friend the virologist tomorrow and ask him for some highly contagious blood parasite that elicits horribly painful symptoms - then make myself resistant to it, whereas you, my dear Astafas, is not...

T'lainya · Post by **T'lainya** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 5:53 pm

Originally posted by C Elegans

True to his lawyer nature, I see - what can be worse that a vampire laywer? Now wait, aren't those synonyms?

I'll meet my friend the virologist tomorrow and ask him for some highly contagious blood parasite that elicits horribly painful symptoms - then make myself resistant to it, whereas you, my dear Astafas, is not...

LOL He'll just have to go back to the exclusive vampire clinic

and CE, watch out for the fangs

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 5:59 pm

Originally posted by T'lainya

LOL He'll just have to go back to the exclusive vampire clinic and CE, watch out for the fangs

Ha! It's only right he will be forced to spend his unjustly earned wealth on expensive health care - otherwise he'd be having fun for them

T'lainya · Post by **T'lainya** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 6:01 pm

LMAO No fun for Astafas?

How cruel

Although, depending on the route of transmission of that virus...he may have more fun then you planned

Blood borne vector anyone?

Weasel · Post by **Weasel** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 6:15 pm

Re: Re: Come into my web!

Originally posted by Witch King

ROTFFLMFAOZZXEEW

You like that? I learn from my mistakes.

Now if it had been in small writing, without the

face, I would had thought maybe he is serious.

(Now this is gone as well

)

humanflyz · Post by **humanflyz** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 7:38 pm

My question is this:

Can a lawyer be both morally uprighteous and wealthy at the same time?

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 7:53 pm

Originally posted by T'lainya
LMAO No fun for Astafas? How cruel Although, depending on the route of transmission of that virus...he may have more fun then you planned Blood borne vector anyone?

Hmpf, I was of course thinking he should get it if he bites me - I'm considering Yellow fever...Although he is actually quite handsome...

posted by Humanflyz
Can a lawyer be both morally uprighteous and wealthy at the same time?

Is this a serious question?

Seriously, of course. Just an example: one of my ex-bf:s was a barrister, working only with environmental issues. The typical cases he took where when companies had expropriated land or let out illegally high amounts of toxic substances. IMO he was a highly moral person, also very politically active in environmental issues and pollution problems. I don't know how you define wealthy, but he was certainly well off, he lived in a big flat in a very expensive area in the inner city of London, he had a summer house in the Lake District, he had a nice car and he used to travel abroad on holidays at least 2-3 times a year, etc.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 11:44 pm

Originally posted by C Elegans

Is this a serious question?

Seriously, of course. Just an example: one of my ex-bf:s was a barrister, working only with environmental issues. The typical cases he took where when companies had expropriated land or let out illegally high amounts of toxic substances. IMO he was a highly moral person, also very politically active in environmental issues and pollution problems. I don't know how you define wealthy, but he was certainly well off, he lived in a big flat in a very expensive area in the inner city of London, he had a summer house in the Lake District, he had a nice car and he used to travel abroad on holidays at least 2-3 times a year, etc.

and you broke up with him because???

j/k not to create a same kind of rattle like foul

Astafas · Post by **Astafas** » Thu Apr 25, 2002 1:23 am

Originally posted by T'lainya

LOL He'll just have to go back to the exclusive vampire clinic and CE, watch out for the fangs

That is indeed the normal procedure, darling T (you have no idea how much of my considerable wealth that's gone to financing the Cilinique Vampirique de Londre's research regarding contagious blood parasites - would make CE's reseach look cheap in comparison!) Would you per chance like to visit me when I'm there? The blood... I mean the food... is delicious and the coffins are both dark and cold. Very romantic in other words...

Astafas · Post by **Astafas** » Thu Apr 25, 2002 1:26 am

Originally posted by C Elegans

Ha! It's only right he will be forced to spend his unjustly earned wealth on expensive health care - otherwise he'd be having fun for them

You better start closing your windows at night, beautiful one!

Astafas · Post by **Astafas** » Thu Apr 25, 2002 1:30 am

Originally posted by C Elegans
Hmpf, I was of course thinking he should get it if he bites me - I'm considering Yellow fever...Although he is actually quite handsome...

Or maybe I should spare you after all - I like your way of reasoning, and I think you're really on to something here...

Jace · Post by **Jace** » Thu Apr 25, 2002 5:16 am

One of my house mates in a bording house in London was a lawyer (barrister, I think) who was part of a team represtenting a big multinational GM food company. We used to have long conversations about the safety and ethics of GM crops. I have my doubts that she ever realy got a handle on the ethical objections or even the environmental ones. Her stance seemed to be that there is no legal evidence (as opposed to scientific evidence) that GM is bad for the environement or has any effect on the food chain. And that any ethical objections have no relevance in law (in this case).

She is a nice enough person, but I shudder to think that she is typical (or even on the more liberal side) of how lawyers think.

@CE, careful of Ast. He says he will suck your blood, but it is just misdirection as his other hand goes for your purse/wallet.

T'lainya · Post by **T'lainya** » Thu Apr 25, 2002 8:26 am

Originally posted by Astafas

That is indeed the normal procedure, darling T (you have no idea how much of my considerable wealth that's gone to financing the Cilinique Vampirique de Londre's research regarding contagious blood parasites - would make CE's reseach look cheap in comparison!) Would you per chance like to visit me when I'm there? The blood... I mean the food... is delicious and the coffins are both dark and cold. Very romantic in other words...

My ever charming Asty

the clinique sounds fascinating, and I'm sure the companionship at dinner would only enhance the experience.

Astafas · Post by **Astafas** » Thu Apr 25, 2002 8:38 am

Originally posted by T'lainya

My ever charming Asty the clinique sounds fascinating, and I'm sure the companionship at dinner would only enhance the experience.

I'll make sure to ask for a coffin for two, precious T'lovely.

T'lainya · Post by **T'lainya** » Thu Apr 25, 2002 8:43 am

My dear Asty, you always say the most romantic things