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dont worry ur simple mind cant grasp the subtle ness of the joke

u see she trying to pretend she potatoes, so she says potato, thinking that the noise a potato makes

maybe u understand this one

a blonde goes to a hairdresser, and she asks for her hair cut, the hairdresser then says she'll have to take off the headphones shes wearing, and the blonde says she cant, so he cuts around them, in a month the blonde comes back, but this time the hairdresser insists that she take them off, but the blonde again says she cant, so the hairdresser charges her twice the price, the third time the blonde comes in he finnally forces her to take them off but half way through cutting her hair he realises she's dead, he then puts on the head phones and hears
"breathe in . . . . breathe out . . .. breathe in . .. breathe out"

man walks into a bar, his two friends duck.
two men walk into a bar, ya think one of them would have seen it.
man walks in to a bar and says, i think i heard this one before.

this is clean do not get mad this is a joke about religion

little johhny goes to church like every kids should. but he has this bad habbit of falling asleep. one day his mom takes a stick with her, so she can keep him awake. the priest starts talking and johhny starts to fall asleep. the priest asks "who is our father?" at the sametime johhnies mom jabs him with the stick. "God" he says. "thats right" the priest says and then continues. johhny starts to fall asleep when the priest asks " who is God's son?". Johhny's mom jabs him again in the ribs. "Jesus Christ" he says. "Thats correct my son." the preist says and then continues. Johhny starts to fall asleep again when the priest asks, "what did eve say to adam after their first child?" right on que johhny gets jabbed in the ribs, he says "poke me with that thing one more time and i'll break it!"

Rofl Nice One!

Religious jokes are so much fun. Unfortunately I don't know any so try these ones..

Why do gorilla's have such big nostrils?

They have such big fingers!

What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

The both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons

Yeah I know they're weak, but we're supposed to keep these jokes clean right?

Two friends talking in the golf club:

- Look, this is a brand new golf ball and it's impossible to lose! If it gets into a bush, it's whistling, if it gets underwater, it floats up and twinkles, if I happen to leave it in the bag, it vibrates and sends an sms to my cellphone...
-That's really cool! How did you get one?
- Found it...

Plz take no offence in these jokes

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.
When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened.

St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer."

why did the chicken cross the road?

TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

HAHAHAHA! (groan...)

Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm,
Weel are ye
Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."


Tony, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks, "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit."

I don't get it I don't even understand it......

Well, I understand it, but still don't get it serious Burns unit...?

Burns. Robert Burns, great, very famous Scots poet. Probably best known for "Comin' thro' the rye."

[QUOTE=Spikey_Creature]If people can have riddle threads i thought id start me a joke thread! I'll start with a joke and u guys can hopefully contribute with some of your own
so here goes!

A rabbit and bear find a magic lamp . they each get 3 wishes so the bear goes first and asks that all the bears in the forest were female ecept him, the rabbit then asks for a helmet, the bears second wish is that all the bears in the country were female except him, the rabbit then asks for a harley davidson, the bears final wish is that all the bears in the world were female except him, then with a big grin the rabbit wishes that the bear was gay, he jumps on his harley davidson, puts on his helmet and rides away with a big grin on his face [/QUOTE]

You got that a little wrong, the bears second wish was that all the bears in the world were female and his third was that they all fancied him, hence why it makes the making him gay funnier

[QUOTE=fable]Burns. Robert Burns, great, very famous Scots poet. Probably best known for "Comin' thro' the rye."[/QUOTE]

Can I just say @Fable as a Scotsman myself we don't really like being refered to as 'scots' in the tense you used it. Not having a go just thought you should know. It's almost as bad as refering to us as 'Scotch' we are neither pasties nor liquor although most of us probably like both

[QUOTE=fable]Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm,
Weel are ye
Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."


Tony, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks, "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit."[/QUOTE]

That is hilarious! I'm pretty sure I've heard it before and forgotten it so that brought a big smile to my face! Well done!

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.
The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's husband said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldn't jump off."

The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off."

They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said:" Don't look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!"

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

One day George W. Bush and Di ck Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"


A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Some Darwin Award Nominee's

NOMINEE No.1 Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.2 To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.3: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut

[QUOTE=Macleod1701]Can I just say @Fable as a Scotsman myself we don't really like being refered to as 'scots' in the tense you used it. Not having a go just thought you should know. It's almost as bad as refering to us as 'Scotch' we are neither pasties nor liquor although most of us probably like both[/QUOTE]

What's the correct term, then?

I think he means Scottish