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Our most beloved president Bush deceided he is not popular with his people, so he deceided to gain popularity by going into a school and letting the children ask him questions. He starts off by declaring that he is just a normal person and is now in the school to answer any question anyone would ask him to the best of his abilities. David raises his hand and says "Mr. President, I have two questions. First one is: How come you became a president without having enough votes to do so? Second one is: Why to you insist on bombing Iraq even though it's apparent you have no reason to do so?" Before the President could answer the bell rings. In the next period he says that he will continiue answering questions. Then little Johnny says "I have four questions. First one is: How come you became a president without having enough votes to do so? Second one is: Why to you insist on bombing Iraq even though it's apparent you have no reason to do so? And umm... Why did last lesson end 35 minutes before it was supposed to? And... where did David go?"

The Blind Man There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

All that sober

Signs That You Are Too Drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case coincidence? -I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
15. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is...uh..."
16. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
18. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20. Roseanne looks good.
21. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
24. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
25. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

Chinese Torture test:

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

Diary of a modern woman on the 1st week of marriage

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and I stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try and be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never notice back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Bob saw it, he started counting ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong, he started crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?". It has to be his job.

Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs. Ng with their 3 lovely daughters, Elaine, Ena & Ella.

The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim and proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins. Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable "leng chais" (handsome guys). They got married and were preparing to set off on their honeymoon.

As 'concerned' parents, Mr. & Mrs. Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them ...."Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Send a SMS (Short Message Service done via mobile phone) to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity... you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences". So, the excited daughters were off.

A week passed, Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the SMS. It was from Elaine. They opened the SMS and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement.
"Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was ... "BIG, STONG & FRIENDLY". Mrs. & Mrs. Ng were happy.

A week later, they got another SMS. This time it was from Ena.The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP'. Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no SMS from Ella. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the SMS came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC".

Why Cathay Pacific? Mr. Ng rushed to the nearest store and gota
newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish ... THUMP!!!... she fell off her chair.

The motto was ... "7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".

An eight-years old girl sucks on her jawbreaker while waiting at the hairdresser. The jawbreaker falls on the floor, the girl picks it up and puts it back into her mouth. The barber saw it and asks "I´m sorry young miss, but don´t you have any hair on your candy?" The young girl replies "No sir, I´m too young for that"

A young boy walks in red light district, carrying a dead turtle in his arms. He walks to the first prostitute he sees and asks: "Do you have a sexual disease?" The prostitute answers " No, everything is clean on me" and the boy walks away without saying a word.

He walks to the next prostitute he sees and asks: "Do you have a sexual disease?" The prostitute answers " No, everything is clean on me" and the boy walks away without saying a word again.

Then the third prostitute, again he asks the question. This prostitute overheard the previous conversations and says "Yes, I do". The boy walks in, ****s her, and pays. The prostitute asks " Why did you ask me wether I have a sexual disease?

The boy says: When I come home, my single babysit will wait for me, and want me to have sex with her. Tonight, my babysit will go home, and dad will bring her. At the parking, he´ll probable screw her like usual. When dad comes home, mom will be waiting for him and they´ll do it as well. When dad´s gone to work tomorrow, my mother will have sex with the man next door, and that SOAB must pay, because he killed my turtle!!

A guy walks in a bar, and sees a man sitting with a frog next to him. He asks the man about it, and the man says: "This frog´s very special, it can give you the best blow-job you ever had".
The other man doesn´t believe him, so the man offers him to borrow the frog.

The man takes the frog to the bathroom and comes out 15 minutes later, with a red head. He growls: "I-Must-Have-This-Frog!" The other guy says "sorry, it´s not for sale". After hours of negotiation, he eventually sells the frog for a REAL lot of money.

The next day, the guys wife enters the kitchen, and sees the frog in the sink. She asks "What the hell´s that frog doing here?" Her husband replies: "I´m learning it to cook and vacuumclean, and when he knows how you´re outta here!

monkey business

A farmer wants to buy a special animal for his farm.
He goes to the market and sees a monkey salesman. He looks around and buys a baboon. The next day he puts a fence around a piece of land next to the road, with a tree in the middle. He releases the monkey, and it runs straight to the tree, climbs in and doesn´t come out. The farmer´s disappointed because everyone must see his monkey, so he goes to back to the market and asks the salesman how to handle the problem. The salesman advises him to lay down bananas on the floor, so the monkey would come down.

The farmer does as told, but the monkey stays in the tree. The farmer decides to look in the yellow pages and spots “monkey catchers”. He calls the number and a few minutes later a bus stops at the farm. The monkeycatcher asks him to help unload his vehicle, and so he does. Out of the van come a shotgun, a fishingnet and a dog. The farmer asks why he brought the shotgun, because he doesn´t want the monkey to be killed.

The monkeycatcher says: “I´ll explain my tactics: First I´ll climp up the tree, and I´ll sit on the same branch as the monkey. I shake the branch, the monkey falls out, the dog will bite him in his nuts and you can use the fishingnet to catch him.” “Okay,” the farmer says, “but yyou didn´t explain about the shotgun”. “Well, you see, if the monkey can shake the branch harder than me, kill the dog!”

A goes to the local bar in search of a drink, out front he finds an old yellow lab going to town licking his crotch. A few beers later he wanders back outside to return home to see the dog still there with the owner standing at his side, after drunkenly staring at the dog for a bit he belches out
"Man I wish I could do that"

THe owner then looks around smiles and nods...

"Sure but I think you should pet him a while first"

(ohh yeah)

What happened in Texas?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he saw that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and got ready to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

The Balance.

Yup, this one is for the Greater Balance as some of the druids would say...

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed ownwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?".

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant." "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts."

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a group
of islands and said, "What are those?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the Philippines, the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in the
government."

Guys, please watch the content of the jokes. We're getting complaints. Thanks.

A man walks through the forest, and suddenly sees a dwarf. He talks to the dwarf for a while, and the dwarf says: "It's so unique you encounter me, you can make a wish" The man thinks for a moment and says: " I want to go to Cuba, but I'm afraid of airplanes. Build me a bridge so I can drive there" The dwarf says: "No way! Do you have any idea how long that'll take??? Make another wish." The man says: "Could you make my mother-in-law a little prettier?" The dwarf thinks and says: "Do you need lights on the bridge as well?"

The day when George W. Bush died.

The day when George W. Bush died.

Unfortunately, he couldn't get to heaven. So he ended up at the gates of Hell, where the Devil himself was waiting and welcomed George W. Bush to Hell.

But there was a problem, cause Hell was already full with all sorts of evil guys. Surely they'd find room for such a person as George W. Bush, but the Devil has to let someone less evil out. The Devil promised that George W. Bush could choose, who he wants to replace. It was ok by George W. Bush, so they went to see the older residents.

First they saw a chamber where Richard Nixon had to swim all the time to keep his head above water in bottomless swimming pool. George W. Bush looked at him and say "No way Devil, that just isn't for me". Devil said ok, and they went on.

Next they went to a chamber where Ronald Reagan was hammering a huge endless rock and carrying the pieces to a pile next to it. George W. Bush looked at it for a while, and said "Looks like I might sweat in that one, it's not for me". And they went on.

In the third chamber, Bill Clinton was tied from his hand and feet and Monica Lewinsky was on her knees doing endlessy what she was known to have been doing with him. George W. Bush thought that it might get annoying in the long run, but it's still far better than what Nixon and Reagan got. So he said to the Devil that he wants this one.

The Devil asks "Are you absolutely sure?", and George W. Bush says "Yes, yes! This is far better than the previous two."

The Devil nods and says "Ok Monica, you can leave"

that was too god moleman.

Well my favorite joke is pretty funny so I hope you enjoy it.

There is this store named U-wannit&We Got It.
So a guy comes in and asks the cashier" how much is the pop corn?"
Cashier: I don't know.
So that guy leaves extremely angry.
Manager: no you moron the stupid popcorn is 25 cents!
Cashier:Oh ok thanks boss!
So a couple minutes later another guy comes in and asks: how much is the popcorn?
Cashier: 25 cents!
Guy#2: is it fresh!
Cashier: I don't know.
Guy#2 leaves very upset.
Manager: No you Idiot your supposed to tell the customers that it is Fresh Fresh very Fresh!
Cashier:Oh ok thanks boss!
So then a few minutes after that a cool guy comes in and asks: Yo how much is the popcorn!
Cashier: 25 cents!
Cool guy: is it fresh!
Cashier: Fresh Fresh very Fresh!
Cool guy: Ok then tell me one reason I should buy it from here?
Cashier: I don't know.
so then the cool guy leaves mad angry.
Manager: No you idiot you are makin me lose customers here! You are supposed to say Cuz if you don't someone will!
Cashier: Oh ok boss thanks!
Few minutes later a robber bursts through the door.
Robber: GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!
Cashier: 25 cents!
Robber: ARE YOU BEING FRESH WITH ME!
Cashier: Fresh Fresh very Fresh!
Robber: TELL ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T SHOOT YOU!
Cashier: Cuz if you don't someone will!


it is a bit pretty long.