Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2003 12:23 pm
I was just perusing the original Anomen thread over in the BG2 Forum and I decided, since a bit of a chuckle would not be a bad thing, to take the liberty of reposting Gwally's Chef D'Oevre. It was likely this particular piece that was instrumental in creating the ongoing DF saga 
Hope you don't mind Gwally
At the risk of invoking the ire of The Harem (pat. pend.), I would like to interject a bit of spam.
It was a fine, sunny, Thursday in Trademeet, and the town was a-buzz. Seems the latest caravan from the Dairy District was several days late. That day, a young halfling lad arrived with urgent news for The Harem. He burst into the Harem's tent, only to be struck dumbfounded, slack-jawed, wide-eyed, and unable to move. Was he cursed with some foul spell? Perhaps. Or maybe it was just that Thursday is Jacuzzi Day at The Harem. Anomen blithely stepped out of the hot tub, donned a very small towel, and escorted the young lad outside the tent, telling him he must learn the virtues of self-control, much as Anomen himself had.
The next day, a young halfling lass arrived with urgent news for The Harem. "An evil, lactose-intolerant wizard has absconded with all the cows in the Dairy District!" the young woman explained, "He has them in a large cave in the Umar Hills. He threatens to destroy them all unless we promise to produce nothing but lactose-free milk! What are we to do?"
Shocked, the ladies of The Harem looked at each other. Lady Dragon Wench exclaimed, "Lactose-free milk is horrible on breakfast cereal!" "The economy of the Dairy Clan would be ruined," Lady Georgie said. "Not to mention," Lady Loner shuddered, "our stocks of whipping cream would dry up!" The Harem cried out in unison, "Something MUST be done!!"
The young halfling lass broke down, weeping, "Oh, thank you, Kind Ladies."
Preparations were quickly made. The five seasoned adventurers gathered their weapons and equipment before the dark flame of The Harem altar. They donned their magical armor, showing off deep cleavages and curvaceous hips (Hey, its magical armor. What is it supposed to do?). Finally, they strode out of the tent, resplendent in their whipping-cream-less fury. Each giving a kiss on the cheek to an oblivious Anomen, who was still regaling the halfling lad with tales of his own manhood, The Harem left for the Umar Hills.
The journey, being 8 hours long, gave Lady Jennabard ample time to compose a new song, extolling the pleasures of gazing upon Anomen's honed body. Smiles crept to the faces of The Five, and their breasts swelled with pride that they were counted among The Harem. As the last chords of the lute faded, they arrived at the Large Cave.
Making short work of the two Guard Golems, then the four Ettins, and finally the small flock of Beholders, they prepared to enter the cave. Hiding in the shadows, Lady Vivien peeked in the cave. She saw the mage, screaming like a madman at a large herd of cows, "Why won't you let me drink your milk? I need my calcium!" "He's alone in there, talking to the cows." Lady Vivien reported. "Well, let's go talk to him." Lady Georgi said firmly, "We need our calcium too."
The mage raged at The Five, "You can't take these cows from me!" he screamed with a wild look in his eye. Instantly, a small horde of kobalds appeared around the Ladies of the Dark Flame. Chaos and Slaughter ensued. Lady Loner tossed off spell after spell using up scrolls like so much toilet paper, while Lady Jennabard skewered multiple monsters with each thrust of her mighty spear. Lady Georgi's great sword mowed down many monsters with each swing, and Lady Vivien peppered the crowd with rapid-fire from her bow. Lady Dragon Wench decimated the hordes by quaffing potions of Fire-Breath. But the mage incessantly conjured horde after horde of gnolls, kobalds, and ogres (who randomly shouted "Forward March" for some odd reason). Back to back, in perfect fighting formation, The Five fought on. But, with the sweat glistening from their firm, well formed bodies, they had to admit things were looking bad.
"How can he keep it up? Doesn't he get tired?" panted Lady Dragon Wench. "He just keeps conjuring and conjuring!" Lady Jennabard shouted. "He must have an incredible constitution" Lady Georgi mused. "*GASP* Could he be even more honed than our dear Anomen?" Lady Loner exclaimed, "We have to find out!" "I've had some experience with evil mages." Lady Vivien said while the others eyed her suspiciously. "If you disable their casting hand, they cry like babies." "Do it!" Lady Georgie hissed, "We'll cover you!"
Lady Vivien quaffed an invisibility potion, and made her way to the herd of cows. Having spent some time on a farm (hence the braids and freckles) she expertly squirted some milk from one of the engorged cows onto an arrow. "This is udderly ridiculous," she thought to herself, "I hope this works!" Nocking the arrow, she pulled the great bow with Amazonian strength, and fired. Her shot was true, and the lactose-covered arrow sliced the mage's hand. Instantly, all the monsters disappeared, and with a pitiful cry, the mage collapsed wretching to the ground.
The Flames gathered around the disabled man. "He doesn't look like so much to me" said Lady Loner. "Yeah, kinda scrawny" Lady Dragon Wench agreed. "This is why I need calcium!" the mage spit. Lady Vivien looked sadly at the mage, "Have you tried yogurt? Many Lactose intolerant people find that they can digest yogurt with ease." "Really?" said the mage between wretches, "I'll try it."
Lady Jennabard knelt next to the writhing form and quickly pilfered everything she could. "Ah, the secret to his power!" she said, holding up a ring. With her Lore Ability at 3,427, she immediately identified the ring as a "Ring Of Swift Recovery" that eliminates the need for rest, while any exertion is quickly overcome, returning the wearer to a state of readiness. "Hey, Anomen could use this!" Lady Georgi said with an evil glint in her eye, "No more having to give him time to sleep!"
The Ladies returned the next day to the celebrations of all Dairy District halflings and everyone who likes to drink milk. As they approached their tent, the saw Anomen still extolling his virtues to the poor halfling lad, who after three days of Anomen droning on and on about himself had finally shook himself free of the spell. But upon seeing the Five return, the lad found he could only repeat "Humnama, humnama." Anomen sighed and suggested that if the lad could never find self-control, at least he should get some mirrored sunglasses and pretend to read something while he gawks.
Anomen stifled a yawn as Lady Jennabard slipped the Ring of Swift Recovery onto his finger. Then his eyes grew wide when he saw the entire cartload of whipping cream and Tia Maria the halflings had given the Ladies as a reward for their help. Without a word, Anomen dropped his towel, then realized that he was still out in public, put the towel back on, then followed The Harem inside the tent.
This all happened three weeks ago, and noone has exited the tent yet.
Hope you don't mind Gwally At the risk of invoking the ire of The Harem (pat. pend.), I would like to interject a bit of spam.
It was a fine, sunny, Thursday in Trademeet, and the town was a-buzz. Seems the latest caravan from the Dairy District was several days late. That day, a young halfling lad arrived with urgent news for The Harem. He burst into the Harem's tent, only to be struck dumbfounded, slack-jawed, wide-eyed, and unable to move. Was he cursed with some foul spell? Perhaps. Or maybe it was just that Thursday is Jacuzzi Day at The Harem. Anomen blithely stepped out of the hot tub, donned a very small towel, and escorted the young lad outside the tent, telling him he must learn the virtues of self-control, much as Anomen himself had.
The next day, a young halfling lass arrived with urgent news for The Harem. "An evil, lactose-intolerant wizard has absconded with all the cows in the Dairy District!" the young woman explained, "He has them in a large cave in the Umar Hills. He threatens to destroy them all unless we promise to produce nothing but lactose-free milk! What are we to do?"
Shocked, the ladies of The Harem looked at each other. Lady Dragon Wench exclaimed, "Lactose-free milk is horrible on breakfast cereal!" "The economy of the Dairy Clan would be ruined," Lady Georgie said. "Not to mention," Lady Loner shuddered, "our stocks of whipping cream would dry up!" The Harem cried out in unison, "Something MUST be done!!"
The young halfling lass broke down, weeping, "Oh, thank you, Kind Ladies."
Preparations were quickly made. The five seasoned adventurers gathered their weapons and equipment before the dark flame of The Harem altar. They donned their magical armor, showing off deep cleavages and curvaceous hips (Hey, its magical armor. What is it supposed to do?). Finally, they strode out of the tent, resplendent in their whipping-cream-less fury. Each giving a kiss on the cheek to an oblivious Anomen, who was still regaling the halfling lad with tales of his own manhood, The Harem left for the Umar Hills.
The journey, being 8 hours long, gave Lady Jennabard ample time to compose a new song, extolling the pleasures of gazing upon Anomen's honed body. Smiles crept to the faces of The Five, and their breasts swelled with pride that they were counted among The Harem. As the last chords of the lute faded, they arrived at the Large Cave.
Making short work of the two Guard Golems, then the four Ettins, and finally the small flock of Beholders, they prepared to enter the cave. Hiding in the shadows, Lady Vivien peeked in the cave. She saw the mage, screaming like a madman at a large herd of cows, "Why won't you let me drink your milk? I need my calcium!" "He's alone in there, talking to the cows." Lady Vivien reported. "Well, let's go talk to him." Lady Georgi said firmly, "We need our calcium too."
The mage raged at The Five, "You can't take these cows from me!" he screamed with a wild look in his eye. Instantly, a small horde of kobalds appeared around the Ladies of the Dark Flame. Chaos and Slaughter ensued. Lady Loner tossed off spell after spell using up scrolls like so much toilet paper, while Lady Jennabard skewered multiple monsters with each thrust of her mighty spear. Lady Georgi's great sword mowed down many monsters with each swing, and Lady Vivien peppered the crowd with rapid-fire from her bow. Lady Dragon Wench decimated the hordes by quaffing potions of Fire-Breath. But the mage incessantly conjured horde after horde of gnolls, kobalds, and ogres (who randomly shouted "Forward March" for some odd reason). Back to back, in perfect fighting formation, The Five fought on. But, with the sweat glistening from their firm, well formed bodies, they had to admit things were looking bad.
"How can he keep it up? Doesn't he get tired?" panted Lady Dragon Wench. "He just keeps conjuring and conjuring!" Lady Jennabard shouted. "He must have an incredible constitution" Lady Georgi mused. "*GASP* Could he be even more honed than our dear Anomen?" Lady Loner exclaimed, "We have to find out!" "I've had some experience with evil mages." Lady Vivien said while the others eyed her suspiciously. "If you disable their casting hand, they cry like babies." "Do it!" Lady Georgie hissed, "We'll cover you!"
Lady Vivien quaffed an invisibility potion, and made her way to the herd of cows. Having spent some time on a farm (hence the braids and freckles) she expertly squirted some milk from one of the engorged cows onto an arrow. "This is udderly ridiculous," she thought to herself, "I hope this works!" Nocking the arrow, she pulled the great bow with Amazonian strength, and fired. Her shot was true, and the lactose-covered arrow sliced the mage's hand. Instantly, all the monsters disappeared, and with a pitiful cry, the mage collapsed wretching to the ground.
The Flames gathered around the disabled man. "He doesn't look like so much to me" said Lady Loner. "Yeah, kinda scrawny" Lady Dragon Wench agreed. "This is why I need calcium!" the mage spit. Lady Vivien looked sadly at the mage, "Have you tried yogurt? Many Lactose intolerant people find that they can digest yogurt with ease." "Really?" said the mage between wretches, "I'll try it."
Lady Jennabard knelt next to the writhing form and quickly pilfered everything she could. "Ah, the secret to his power!" she said, holding up a ring. With her Lore Ability at 3,427, she immediately identified the ring as a "Ring Of Swift Recovery" that eliminates the need for rest, while any exertion is quickly overcome, returning the wearer to a state of readiness. "Hey, Anomen could use this!" Lady Georgi said with an evil glint in her eye, "No more having to give him time to sleep!"
The Ladies returned the next day to the celebrations of all Dairy District halflings and everyone who likes to drink milk. As they approached their tent, the saw Anomen still extolling his virtues to the poor halfling lad, who after three days of Anomen droning on and on about himself had finally shook himself free of the spell. But upon seeing the Five return, the lad found he could only repeat "Humnama, humnama." Anomen sighed and suggested that if the lad could never find self-control, at least he should get some mirrored sunglasses and pretend to read something while he gawks.
Anomen stifled a yawn as Lady Jennabard slipped the Ring of Swift Recovery onto his finger. Then his eyes grew wide when he saw the entire cartload of whipping cream and Tia Maria the halflings had given the Ladies as a reward for their help. Without a word, Anomen dropped his towel, then realized that he was still out in public, put the towel back on, then followed The Harem inside the tent.
This all happened three weeks ago, and noone has exited the tent yet.
