Dwarven throwers (subject-related spam, only)

[cheesemage]

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[ThorinOakensfield]

Sob sob. You insult me. I will lead me army to crush you humans. A few legs will be flyin today, eh axe. aye leg chopping is fun for us people.
destroy the treehuggers

[ThorinOakensfield]

[fable]

Thorin, I have been working very diligently (in between snacking on the odd paladin or two) on the next installment of my history of gnome throwing. You have exactly three minutes to explain why you have intruded with your angst into my study before I turn you into a BigMac, with a side order of fries, and toss you into the sewers.

[Dúnadan]

You know, Thorin, midget tossing is not only for humans. In fact, I've known several elves who are quite good at the sport, and will have very good chances of taking home a gold medal in the next Olympics. Also, the drow elves have a hobby of throwing duergar and svirfneblin around the underdark (although its usually onto a set of stalamites. Or is it stalagtites?). Anyway, the point is: don't go critisizing us humans for partaking in this multi-racial event. Are you saying you've thrown a halfling off a cliff and did not smile? I didn't think so.

[ 04-08-2001: Message edited by: Dúnadan ]

[fable]

Bump, and awaiting Thorin's reply!

[The Outsider]

In the meantime, I will fill in some of the background information on snerfneblin tossing.

For many years (those of the Elf-Drow Detente), there was little surface information as to the recreational habits of the dark elves. Now, however, in the tell-tale biography "It was Dark" by Sulfee (a pseudonym), this is no longer the case.

According to Sulfee, snerfneblin tossing arose as a direct consequence of the Matriarch of the time becoming overwhelmingly irked at her inability to remember how to pronounce "snerfneblin", much less to spell it. To relieve some of her frustrations, she ordered her assistants to throw the captive stunties away. Her assistants took this command (and many of her other commands- see chapter 6: "Drow Court Etiquette") literally, and tossed them into the caverns.

One of the Tossers, as they became known as later, was a surprisingly strong dark-elf, and managed to throw a snerfneblin straight up into the cavern roof. This was noticed when the body refused to drop for several minutes. When it did, it landed on a stalagmite. And thus, entertainment was born.

Snerfneblin-tossing isn't as popular as dueling amongs the Drow, but it has gained credence as a suitably vicious form of recreation. There are festivals to the Dark Mother that involve choreographed body-plummeting (this involves sending a work crew of... snerfneblins, for instance, up to sharpen the ceiling), ritual stuntie-flinging by captured Trolls, and the ceremony known only as "Snerf-ka-Bob", which arose after the exploits of a particularly egotistical Drow warrior named ka, who insisted that he be recognized for all of his kills. In order to facilitate this, he spiked them all onto the stalagmite outside of his hovel, as a permanent record (well, until bits rotted off... but the point had been made).

This book is not for sale on the surface, but contact [url="http://www.drowcrap.com"]www.drowcrap.com[/url] for purchasing information.

[fable]

Get back up there! (bump!)

[ThorinOakensfield]

I'll cut your paladin down to the size of a dwarf.

[ThorinOakensfield]

Sigh this can't go on forever, so continue your studies. Someday we dwarves will take over this world. hahahaha, and get our revenge.

[Vroom]

I am wondering why nobody, neither here nor in the bd thread, and regardless of personal ammo preference (dwarves, gnomes or halflings), has considered applying a spin to the thrown subject.

This has several advantages:

- increased accuracy
- projectile is less vulnerable to driftwinds
- halflings, if distracted, have a harder time leaving their path due to the physical forces involved while spinning (dunno the exact english term)
- a lot better armor piercing capability
- halflings often whine when being thrown - spinning them makes this a frightening phaser-like sound.

Due to the high requirements on dexterity this technique has, mostly elves have been known to specialize in the art. Their preference for woodland environments and attacking enemies from the trees has also led to the term "dwarf sniping" (as opposed to "dwarf throwing").

[fable]

I am wondering why nobody, neither here nor in the bd thread, and regardless of personal ammo preference (dwarves, gnomes or halflings), has considered applying a spin to the thrown subject.

Vroom, I respect a novice in this area of strategic historical debate--but regrettably, a novice you are. For if you were not, you'd know that spin techniques were actually applied on sentient ammunition in the past. (Truly, there is nothing new under the sun, as Fred Stubbings of Scranton, Pennsylvania, USA, once said.)

halflings, if distracted, have a harder time leaving their path due to the physical forces involved while spinning (dunno the exact english term)

Your English is quite good; you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in that respect. As a fellow bilingualist who makes bad puns in German, I salute you.

However, please put that cherry schnaps down. We return to the matter at hand.

Have you ever known a halfling without something in its stomach? Of course not. Now, picture this: you heft a halfling, and place it in a new kind of catapult that throws on a curve. It's a recent invention, and everybody on your side (the RIGHT side in the battle, as each side is) regards it as a secret weapon.

The catapult arm is hauled back, and freed. The halfling starts to spin in midair...

...And abruptly loses the last eight courses of umber hulk stew and twelve helpings of goblin pie that it has consumed, all over your forces.

This is exactly what happened to The Black Prince, who let loose not one, but twenty-one halflings at the Pirate Citadel of Marcus Neiman during the Battle of Schleswig Holstein. (So named after a farmer Schleswig who got into an argument with a cow; words were exchanged, and in the heat of the moment, war was declared. And no, the cow was Friesian. Its name was Erma Holstein--you may know her boys, Dave and Fat Ted.) Pedants will recall that this battle lasted for three years which were non-consecutive and went backwards, causing both sides to give up simultaneously. For his penalty, The Black Prince (called thus because his custom-made suit of armor was permanantly darkened by halfling stomach juices during the battle) had to skulk away from the field with all the halflings in tow, complaining vociferously that they were hungry. The Black Prince (who by now had shaved his head and become an anonymous monk, thus being known as The Monk Formerly Called the Black Prince) was himself crying. Some thought for shame. Others thought for outrage. In fact, it was because he really, really loved that suit of armor.

And all of this could have prevented if no spin had been applied to the halflings.

Sometimes, the straight and narrow path is the best one, after all.

[Vroom]

...And abruptly loses the last eight courses of umber hulk stew and twelve helpings of goblin pie that it has consumed, all over your forces.

This is exactly what happened to The Black Prince, who let loose not one, but twenty-one halflings at the Pirate Citadel of Marcus Neiman during the Battle of Schleswig Holstein. (So named after a farmer Schleswig who got into an argument with a cow; words were exchanged, and in the heat of the moment, war was declared. And no, the cow was Friesian. Its name was Erma Holstein--you may know her boys, Dave and Fat Ted.)

I am sorry I have to oppose you here, but you obviously choose to ignore (quite knowingly, I suspect) the findings of the famed historian Holstenknalltamdollsten - who has dedicated a larger part of his life's work to the history of Friesland, in which the battle of S.H. is recognised as a cataclysmic event.

Holstenknalltamdollsten cleaned up with some common misconceptions about aforementioned battle:

1) Erma Holstein was indeed one of the first to kick the bucket, when after a couple of weeks into the battle the provisions fell short and Schleswig lured Erma the cow to a "parley", which ended in a six course beef dinner for all save one.

2) Dave and Fat Ted were found to be actually English cows who had faked their export papers to escape BSE prosecution in their own country. However, due to aforementioned dearth, no one cared - burgers for all.

3) (And this bring us back to our topic.) Halflings are supposed to be spun along their axis of flight, HEAD FIRST. In this way, the acceleration will keep down any contents the stomach might have.
The Black Prince, having spent his math and physics classes mainly with doodling and efforts to hit on Rose, princess of Friesland sitting next to him, did not consider this - and the havoc commenced.

Please make sure you do some research before posting a hasty reply in the future. Thanks.

[fable]

Vroom, I am shocked, horrified, but especially saddened to see you fall for counterfeit source documents and secondhand rumormongers like Holstenknalltamdollsten. Let us remember that this was the dwarf who created the Sheik Rittle'nral scandal 73 years ago; who offered to the world the Jumbalaya-Kumbaya Concordance as an authentic antiquity; who was photographed in bed with two penguins, a puce jello mold, a priest of Lathander, and...well, nevermind. Suffice to say, his remarks were so untrustworthy and his character so weak that he was entered into the Natarian Hall of Excellence just so he could be voted out again, the next second. In fact, they liked the feeling so much they did it three more times. So much for Holstenknalltamdollsten.

Now, onto Holstenknalltamdollsten's specific allegations:

1) Erma Holstein was indeed one of the first to kick the bucket, when after a couple of weeks into the battle the provisions fell short and Schleswig lured Erma the cow to a "parley", which ended in a six course beef dinner for all save one.

Not so. Erma Holstein is alive to this day, functioning as a recording secretary to the Swedish Embassy in Underdark. She had three bouncing boys, two of whom are still bouncing. I trust you will be more circumspect in the future, and keep her name out of this row.

2) Dave and Fat Ted were found to be actually English cows who had faked their export papers to escape BSE prosecution in their own country. However, due to aforementioned dearth, no one cared - burgers for all.

Again, Holstenknalltamdollsten muddled the facts--deliberately, in this case, since Fat Ted repeatedly threatened to sit on the dwarven historian if the latter continued defaming his (Fat Ted's not Holstenknalltamdollsten's) mother. After finding a suitable hollow tree and filing it full of dwarven beer-gut ale, Holstenknalltamdollsten maliciously and with due intent spread his vicious rumors about Fat Ted and Dave. It broke their mother's heart, I tell you!

3) (And this bring us back to our topic.) Halflings are supposed to be spun along their axis of flight, HEAD FIRST. In this way, the acceleration will keep down any contents the stomach might have.
The Black Prince, having spent his math and physics classes mainly with doodling and efforts to hit on Rose, princess of Friesland sitting next to him, did not consider this - and the havoc commenced.

Only in the Southern hemisphere. As this took place in the Northern hemisphere, it was perfectly logical reasoning to fling the halflings out tail first.

And Rose sends her regards. She also mentioned that you are two alimony payments behind, you cad, you.

[ 04-12-2001: Message edited by: fable ]

[fable]

More in the history of gnome throwing is promised, so this topic can hardly be allowed to die the slow death of scrolling off page. Bump!

[Dúnadan]

As I once got when I was hit on the head with a spinning halfling, *bump*

[Dúnadan]

This is all well and good, but up to this point we have neglected the essential aspect of the naval apsects of dwarf throwing. I seem to recall learning about this in social studies, though I was not paying much attention(I was busy revising my theory on the age to weight ratio of flying halflings vs. that of dwarves). Anyway, I remember learning of an epic naval battle between the tyranical forces of the infamous pirate Magak the Beardless and the flagship of the dashing Lord Simak the Dashing. Whilst Magak's fleet made gratuitous use of the hundreds of halflings he had ready in his storeroom, Simak's strategically brilliant use of the few dwarves he possesed won him the battle in the end. Though the tale has been over glorified in taverns over the ages, historians have been able to piece together what most likely happened. Gnomish naval-historian, Thingle Feedlebeelewiddershaht, has given what is thought to be the most accurate description of the events in his latest work, "The Battle of the Many Midgets" (as it came to be known): "...And so it was that the dashing Lord Simak the Dashing had come down to his last three dwarves, while Magak still had several dozen halflings remaining in his aft storeroom. Simak's ship was riddled with many, halfling-sized holes and was beginning to take on water but just as all was thought to be lost, Simak was struck with a dashingly inspired idea. Quickly, he grabbed the nearest flagon of ale and set his dwarves upon it. Moments later, they were shot out of the cannons of Simak's ship, their beards a-flaming. They struck the aft storeroom head-on, where, coincidentally, the pirate's halflings had also set upon some kegs of Magak's finest mead. The resulting explosion from the combined alcohol-filled gullets of the dwarves and halflings blew the entire ship out of the water, as Simak had expected. Although it was indeed a risky gamble, Simak's brilliant use of drunken dwarves added an entirely new chapter to the art of naval warfare and midget tossing..." The book then goes on to the discuss historical effects Simak's strategy had in future battles, but this proves that the idea of flaming dwarves originated not on land, but at sea, contrary to the beliefs of many a distinguished historian. It is thought that the dangers of halfling ammuntion were also first discovered at this historic battle, as demonstrated by the odds-defying downfall of Magak the Beardless.

[fable]

Yes! The old Dwarves with Flaming Beards Attack! Those of us who are or were members of the FFSAL (Friends of Flying Sentient Ammunition League) recall it well. Sometimes we'll even gather up a few besotted dwarves, set fire to their beards, and chuck 'em over a few rooftops using improvised catapults just for the pleasure of reliving those great moments. (You can improvise a catapult very easily. It only requires several large pieces of wood, plenty of rubber bands, a few pieces of iron, and a boy scout. Or, better still, a girl scout.)

I treasure such references, Dunadan. Please, continue to bring up such stirring sagas of bygone days, when men were men, dwarves were dwarves, and halflings were okay on a lower berth in a train's sleeping car but you never wanted 'em in the upper berth, because a halfling with insomnia could walk up and down all night over your head.

[ 04-14-2001: Message edited by: fable ]

[The Outsider]

Very well, then, I shall relate the history of the siege of Ganbroleth, also known as "The Battle of Babbling Boulders" (in the Skaldic bard song, which was a favorite at the court of Noswem the Grinning).

Ganbroleth was a large port town, and its keep overlooked the entrance to the bay. This was a major trading route, dealing mainly in chickens soaked in sap, and swine cooked in canola. Sauteed bees in cedar sauce were a passing fancy of the glorious elder days of Ganbroleth, and it is this trade that was the spark for the siege.

The next town up the river, Brilligan, was a major exporter of bulk bees, but the markets were unfair (in the opinion of Billy, the Brilligan Brigand), and Brilligan suffered, being so near the Ganbrolethean centre of opulence. Feeling hard done by, Billy set out to demand that the bees be sauteed in Brilligan.

The guild of Bee-sauteers was an old one in Ganbroleth, and had the ear of the lord, Gremyeh. In fact, Gremyeh was wed to the daughter of one of the heads of the guild. As a result of this, Billy's demands to relocate the guild were not met favorably.

In a fit of childish pique, Gremyeh ordered a flight of kobolds to be shot over the Brillig embassy. Unfortunately, one of the kobolds (in the number 5 launcher, as the bards have it) was defective, and splintered in flight. A piece of the wreckage pierced Billy's left nostril. Bleeding, and swearing revenge, Billy declared war.

War came swiftly, but then didn't do much for a while. Holding a port city under siege is an excercise in futility; all that really happened was that the two armies shot stunties at each other for a few hours a day. Usually between two and six in the afternoon, so that the family could enjoy the sight of formation flinging.

Determined to break the siege, and to get home to an admittedly inferior meal of boiled bees, Billy ordered his catapulters to break out the secret weapon. Billy the Brigand of Brilligand was the first to attempt to fire trolls at his opponents. The specialized equipment necessary for this (giant catapult, troll tethers, little teddies for them to hold when they were frightened, and, above all, a healthy supply of pigeons) had nearly devastated his reserves.

The first troll, as it hurled its way across the sky, was met head-on by a well-timed barrage of flame-bearded dwarves. The fire ignited the troll, the weight of the three dwarves intercepting the troll broke its momentum, and it landed on Billy's healer's tent. Luckily, there weren't too many wounded (except for the occasional goldbricker) at the time, but it was a devastating blow to the army's morale.

To make matters worse, the Ganbroletheans then let loose with a scattering of bees, perfectly sauteed, with just the right amount of cardamon and pollen. This was the last straw; Billy's troops deserted, open-mouthed, switching sides for a mouthful of buzzers. A sad day for the Brilligans.

The bardic narration of this tale closes with the traditional moral, which is to "for God's sake, flush the can after you go" (although one group has it as "for good sake, freshen the can with amber coals"). This is unnecessary here, since the emphasis is on the history of aeronautic armaments, so it shall be omitted.

[Dúnadan]

Whoa, this one was sinkin' fast! Good thing I caught it in time, so, *Bump*

More to come soon, I hope.