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Case File # 558903

Special Surveillance, Weasel and AC: DECLASSIFIED

At the direct request of Lord Stalker Himself, a special-ops team was sent in to monitor the evening that Weasel and AC went on their date. Operations consisted mainly of bugging the weaselmobile. Below is a short transcript of parts of the evening.

AC: Ok, let's just get this over with

Weasel: Already? I haven't even bought you dinner yet. You are a good date.

AC: Don't get any ideas, you know why I am here.

Weasel: Yes, my charm, my wit, my chiseled frame, my...

AC : Quiet! You know damn well I just want my bra back.

Weasel: You'll have to search me, I know nothing of this bra. What's a bra?

AC Uhg. Just give it to me

Weasel * heavey breathing*

AC: Not that !! I mean the bra. I miss the support it offered.

Weasel: I need support too.

AC: I think I have more need than you. I seem to have a greater mass.

Weasel: you have never seen my saggy man breasts.

Pause

AC: God no, put your shirt back on!

Weasel: *sings* I'm too sexy for the shirt...

AC: Stop that. I'm telling mom!

Weasel: I'm too sexy for your mom

AC: sigh..lets just get this over with, what will it take to get my bra back?

Weasel: Put this on.

AC: It made of woll...wait, this is a sheep costume, no way am I putting this on!

Weasel: It's the only way to get this back

AC: Stop flashing me! Look, drop me off, you can keep the damn thing

Weasel: wait, you haven't seen what I was gonna wear

AC: I have seen enough, just pull over and...oh, is that a BS costume?

Weasel. yes, it is. It would be sick to dress as me, being your father and all.

AC: hmmm, you know my weak spot. I guess I can do this..if it's the only way.

*from outside the vehicle*: Baahhhhhh

*car door opens*

AC: Where the hell you going?

Weasel: I have been called. Take your bra, I won't be needing it

LMAO!!! Now that was great! I wonder who is next?>

ROFLMAO!!!!
AC's gonna kill you!

Ah, another good one, BS. This thread is turning out to be just as hilarious as the Tunnels thread. Man...you just keep bringing the legends.

And wow...you DO have a good memory, because the bra stealing incident and the Weasel/AC date were both a long time ago.

So that's how I was conceived.

ROFL. Its such BS. How apt and fitting.

Alas, BS has not updated this for a long time so i will help my snookems out here. See he is very busy and well, i wanna share a secret with you.

BS and Fas: Case file 7237292

BS: Where have you been?
Fas: Out.
Bs: You were out with Sytze again weren't you?
Fas: So what if i was. What are you gonna do about it?
BS: Well, can you take me next time?
Fas: Whatever, now go get me a cream soda.
BS: Yes oh lord and master.

BS and AC: Case file 7237292

Caller 1: Hello, this is AC.
BS: Hey there this is...
Caller 1: Oh no not you again.
*hangs up*

Caller 2: Hello.
BS: Don't hang up AC.
Caller 2: Don't call here again.
*hangs up*

Caller 3: This is AC.
BS: i rea....
Caller 3: ************** *click*
*Hangs up*

Caller 4: Hello, yes?.
BS: Hey i am so sorry to call you, i am just feeling lonely and depressed can i come over?
Caller 4: Sure. I will make you all nice and warm.
BA: Thanks Gwally you are such a great man.

More from these files later on.

LMAO....

Ok, that was good.

BS and Weasel: Case file 7237292

*it is a dark room, with no lights on save the moon light and an eerie golden glow, when in walks the High COMM and a female scream screeches through the air*

Weasel: What the hell is going on here?
BS: Nothing really.
Weasel: WHat they hell? You are wearing my golden speedos. WHat kinda of sick pervert are you?
BS: Well the red neck kind of course. And i am not wearin them. I am just trying them on for some modeling?
Weasel: Modelling? *he then notices the cameras all around* Well why didn't you say so.
BS smiles.
Weasel smiles.

Due to the disgusting nature of the rest of the Lurker Log, we have deleted it as we have lost 8977 lurkers who have read the rest and killed themselves.

Case File # 987256

Subject: Security Breach of the Agency

recently, the Agency suffered an attack. Network files were hacked, and information entered into the database that was false. Survellance cameras caught the breakin on tape. Posted are is a summary of what the tapes revealed.

At precisely 10:03 PM, Eastern Standard time, a figure was noticed attempting to gain access to the facility. Suspect continued to attempt to pick the lock, regardless of the fact that the entrnace in question was not locked, and several employees entered and exited through entrance in question the entire time. At each near discovery, suspect immedialtyl lay face down on the walkway. This puzzled the security later until they noticed that the subject was naked and had apparently sprayed the word "welcome" over the hair on his back. It was decided that subject was attempting stealth masquerading as a rug.

10:16 PM: Subject finally succeeded in breaking the toothe pick that he was using as a lockpick. Seemed to take that as a sign the lock was picked. Security team wondered that fas seemed to have grown in intelligenec since last reported upon. It had only taken him 13 minutes to gain access to an unlocked door.

10:48 PM: All accounts of fas's increased intelligence disproved. Had taken 32 minutes trying to push open a door that swung outward. Finally gained access accidentally when passing agent mistook him for a sock puppet and carried him in. Disturbingly, did not show displeasure at employees attempt at impromptu puppet show. Suspected perv at this point.

10:52 PM: Employee tired of puppet show. Retracted hand from "puppet" and left facility. Fas rose with a wide smile on his face, and proceeded to molest the nearest outlet. Suspicion on perversion scale unpgraded to level 7.

10:52.09 seconds PM: fas completed moleststion. Seemed amazed act had taken so long. Noted hair on back and scalp standing on end lingering effects of self electrocution. Became enraged.

11:01 PM: fas proceeded to spray paint corridors with various graffiti, inclduding "Fas loves BS" "Weasel is God" 'If I can't have him, neither can she" And several other blatant statements of affection for Lord Stalker.

11:26 PM: Stumbles into main computer terminal. Does not seem to comprehend what the A: drive is. Becomes confused. Molests it regardless. Definate perv.

11:45 PM: Accesses Lord Stalkers private files. Becomes enraged at sight of various correspondance between Lord Stalker and AC. Decided to wipe database and insert revised versions. Cackles gleefully as he states that he has altered reality. Insinuates BS and AC's father (Weasel) to make sure there will be no reconcilliation.

11:56 PM: Securtiy team apprehends fas. suspect is coated with printer ink, tangled in network cable, and evidentally acting out some bizarre fantasy involving himself, a three legged goat, and several pounds of pork fat. At this point, subject reveals deep hatred of kittens, as he gleefully screams proudly that he has just killed several. Suspected necrophiliac with barnyard fetish tendancies. Confimation of such arrived shortly thereafter when security team learned fas had been banned from all veterinarian facilities, animal graveyards, and circuses in the hemispehere.

12:32 AM: fas escaped custody. perhaps intentionally on the part of security personnel as he had begun demanding a bath. Last seen runnig out the entrance, stopping to parade himself in front of the nearest mounted policemans horse in what he deemed a seductive manner. Appeared more like a drunken hobbit attempting the lambada.

12:33 AM: police officer attempts to subdue fas.

12:35 AM: Police officer last seen fleeing the scene on horseback as fas pursured, yelling incoherently that it was futile to keep them apart.

12:36 AM: operation in the Agency resume as normal. Upcoming file to be declassifed in the near future.

Genius, BS. Absolute. Genius. Are you sure Fas isn't planning something suitably horrendous in retaliation for your declassification of this case file?

Worrying about what fas will or will not do is pointless. His actions have no logic, he could retaliate, or he could just as likely wander into some other thread and start a brawl.

Case File #903582 *DECLASSIFIED*

Subject: Dragon Wench.

At the special request of Lord Stalker, the Agency was asked to look into the psychological background of forum member Dragon Wench. As requested, agents were dispatched to gather relevant information. The following has been garnered to this point:

Dragon Wench (hereafter referred to as Subject) has several charactistics that were apparent upon immdeiate inspection.

Subject has a tendancy to transform innocent *term used loosly* members into various farm animals and lead them into situations that are questionable at best. Most involving some type sexual allusion. According to subjects claims, such occurances are motivated by amusement. Eyewitnesses, while admitedly amused, reported that subject observed such instances with an air that seemed to suggest depravaty. Animal fetish not ruled out. One eyewitness who agreed to testify on the condition of anonymity *which we, as you can see, Gwally, have honored* vehemently denied any such thing. Unfortunatly, eyewitness proceeded to ramble on about apples, massages,and wishing to see subject avatar in it's entirety. Concluded eyewitness would say anything to get a glimpse of aforementioned avatar , so was discounted.

As a result, various videos were "aquired" from subjects personal collection. All were viewed, several by Lord Stalker himself multiple times. perversion factor was neither confirmed nor denied, mostly due to Lord Stalkers continued viewing without filing proper reports.

Subject also has a rather distrubing proclivity to wish certain male members of the board into situations with decidedly homo-erotic undertones. Investigations have turned up links in such schemes to two prominent members of the board; Fas and AC. Following are intercepted PM sessions between conspirators.

PM session between fas and DW.

fas: You have to help me. BS is a god, and while I know I myself and unworthy to even gaze upon him, I find myself drawn.

DW: Stop pestering me you perv. get your own man.

fas: I'm a perv? I know about your Aegis fetish.

DW: My God, you wouldn't....

fas: Try me.

DW: What will it take?

fas: I need to get him alone. Make him feel the flame.

DW: What about Sytze?

fas: Oooo threesome. That will work. Set it up.

DW: AC won't like this. And she is a DF member. ....let me run it by her first. But I'll expect payment for my efforts.

PM Session between DW and AC.

DW: I have a favor I need to ask of you. Actually, fas needs it, but I wanted to run it by you first.

AC: fas? Why would I ever want to help him? He's been after my man(If you tell BS that I'll deny it AND kill you) for months. And on top of that, do you know how many hate mails and viruses he's sent me in attempts to remove me from the loop?

DW: Then you probably won't like this. He's asked me to help him try and seduce BS. I know, not likely, but he offered to pay.

AC: WHAT?!?! And you offered to help? What is he paying you anyway? It's not gonna happen. I can't see one good reason to go along with this.

DW: I know, but fas insisted. And nevermind the payment. But there could be a sweat glistens BS in it for you if it works.


DW: You still there?

DW: AC?

AC: Sorry, zoned out with the glistening thing. You've convinced me.And I want the videos, and I want him back afterwards.


PM session between fas and DW

DW: She went for it. I'm setting things up now.

fas: Oh, happy day. This time I'll get the real thing, not some inflatable substitute. Although, I am kinda attached to him. I could tell you stories...

DW: You do and the deals off. It's done. Good luck, and I better get my fee.

The Agency has learned that not long after such correspondence, there was a large increase in the purchaces of farm videos. No link has been established to to insinuate this was payment, and it could simply be a result of fas plan at seduction failing and him needing to relieve his frustration.

Investigation of all parties ongoing.

I must say, although disturbing, thats hillarious.

ROFLMFAO!!!!! I really should try to come up with some kind of rejoinder, but right now I'm too overcome with helpless fits of giggles to proceed

Case File #903597 *DECLASSIFIED*

Subject: Bloodstalker.

At the request of certain concerned forum members the Agency was requested to investigate Bloodstalker’s disturbing activities. These include a proclivity for smaller persons and equine companions. The following PM conversation between Bloodstalker and Buck Satan has been unearthed as a result:


BS to Buck: I really like, well, small folk, anything to make me feel big, any suggestions?

Buck: not sure, I suppose we could try to bring some more Dwarves or Halflings to the forums.

BS: No, no more Halfings, Fas pretended to be a Halfing, and he broke my heart..

Buck: Hmmm... well how about dwarves?

BS: I'm not entirely sure.. their beards always tickle my, well you know...

Buck to BS: You're difficult

BS: I can't help it, it's all because of Ned.

Buck: Ned?

BS: Yep... it was the day he got me drunk... and then he introduced me to Cordelia.

Buck: Cordelia?

BS: *nostalgic sigh* Mexican girl.. beautiful brown eyes... long soft hair.... big, long ears... oh the memories.. my heart aches

Buck: But what does that have to do with dwarves?

BS: Oh.. dwarves? Sorry, I was thinking about beards.. and that reminded me of Cordelia's long, swishing tail.. as I.. well.. never mind..

Buck: I think we need to replenish your supply of Turkey, these trips down memory lane are simply not helping your recovery

BS: What recovery?

Buck: Oh, didn’t the nurse tell you?

Case File #90383927 *DECLASSIFIED*

Subject: Bloodstalker.

At the request of certain concerned forum members the Agency was requested to investigate Bloodstalker’s disturbing activities. These include the ongoing situation presently in the plains of Kentucky:

Our field reports have noted that BS has been seen in the plains of kentucky with a sundress on with blue and yellow flowers and a nice sun hat. She is sorry he is busy picking his teeth with his toe nails and seems to be waiting for someone.

On the ground is a picnic basket consisting or roadkill and some sexual instruments covered in gravy. We lost 3 spys once they saw that. We are sorry to see them go.

Just coming in. We know who the second person is. Sytze has just walked up to BS who ran to him flinging his arms around sytze and then she gave him a big fat wet one.

More on this story as news develops

I noticed a couple of disturbing things about recent posts, suggesting that there may be more here than meets the eye. Frankly, I'm a little frightened at this point. Behind-the-scenes machinations does that to me....

[QUOTE=Bloodstalker]Subject: Security Breach of the Agency
[Subject (Fas) is a] Suspected necrophiliac with barnyard fetish tendencies.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Bloodstalker]Subject: Dragon Wench.
Subject has a tendency to transform innocent *term used loosely* members into various farm animals and lead them into situations that are questionable at best.[/QUOTE]

Note: spelling corrected in above quotes. Emphasis added.