In Search of the Holy Spam

[Aegis]

"My seek you help do!" Aegis is exclaimed his response to Chu in much the same manner a victim of spatial dementia would proclaim the immortal words of a a famous wisp of a Canadian Prime Minister "Just watch me." It was more an acknowledgement of fact, as opposed to a question, one which, upon closer dissection, could be easily understood and explained, had the very act of listening to such whimsical collequiallism's of the english language had not rendered normal powers of comprehension completely inadequete.

Aegis nodded at the stupified look offered forth from Chu. Upon failing to see a line of confused drool run from the corner of Chu's mouth, Aegis felt the appropriate need to do so himself, the act of which only worsening Chu's condition. After a moment, and a messy sounding slurp, the Sage slapped Chu on the shoulder.

"Indeed, forty-two! Though, I can tell by your above spelling you are a man of action, and not that of the book, sagely advice, and fine ebonics." Aegis stepped beside the battle clade man, looking forward, past DW and the others at the table, seemingly past the confines of the Tap and Tea, and almost as though he were a man looking into the vast nothingness of the heaven.

Though, if any man of the cloth or faith were to have heard it described as such, they would have none of it. To describe the divine playground as anything less then pure, euphoric bliss and harmony would akin to comparing it to the trash receptical of the Universe, fit only for the discarded capsules of ominously purple like pills. In fact, the Sage saw beyond what those around could see, that which only one as enlightened in the ways of fishy divination could. He saw the holiest of holy quests before the motley crew that stood within the confines, and saw the trials that were laid out before them.

He predicted the task of gather the three needed components of the Holy Spam, while avoiding the temptuous Puffins, Fowls, Guinea Pigs and Pantless Marines. They would look the Wankerly in the eye, and they would not blink, though scarring an action had not ever been taken. They had entered upon a crusade. A crusade of which could topple as easily as the masculinity of a certain tea-drinking wanker that perpetuated the grounds of SYM fishing for hugs and attention. This was their quest, if they chose to accept.

[ik911]

[QUOTE=Fiona]Turning to Ik, she announced herself as a bard. She kept her fingers crossed behind her back and hoped her limericks would be enough to busk her through[/QUOTE]
"A bard?" He thought about it while blowing some nosehairs out of his mouth with a loud "Ffff. Ffff ff."

"Well, ladies, let's go! Up up!" He walked outside without looking back for he feared he might either lose them to the realm of the Tap and Tea forever, or be turned into a pillar of salt.

He went to the tourist information desk across the street and quickly got out with a large map. He put it on the ground and put rocks on the edges to prevent it from blowing away. "Where do we go first?"

They were about to pick their first destination on their quest. Icarus thought about some practical things to bring along on a potentially long trip. His toothbrush, some duct tape, a tyre-repair set, a pair of shorts, his bathingsuit and extra underwair, but then dismissed these thoughts, because real adventurers don't think of that either.

[Fiona]

Fiona was dismayed to find that she was completely sober, and the elixir seemed to be designed to make sure she stayed that way. “Should have read the fine print” she thought. Now what? No good reason for staying in a pub, certainly. She made this point rather forcibly to DW, then looked around at the company.

Aegis seemed to have come over all religious, and he appeared to be joining forces with Chu. They had obviously taken the Raven message seriously and seemed to be after boar. Nasty dangerous creatures, boar. Ravager was involved in this too, and in Fiona’s opinion he was decidedly shifty these days. Whoever heard of him showing up late?

Hill was still in denial about his dress. His mind was on goat (so what else is new). The cleric, Lasher, was also obsessed with goat. Thing could get quite sticky (and she used that word advisedly) for Phreddie in the very near future. No wonder he was hiding.

Tony, Kipi and Slade were playing at being strong silent types. Bah, never could be bothered with that unless it wasn’t a pose. And it clearly was in this case. They weren’t usually like that at all. DJV she was less sure about, but he hadn’t said anything for a while either. No point in joining up with them, they weren’t doing anything.

And the warrior with the identity problem was too disturbing for words.

All in all it seemed wisest to get out of here. Of course that might give Ik ideas, but he couldn’t hold on to them for very long, normally, and he knew she wasn’t the female lead. Ik was on that quest, and he had agreed to join DW on hers. If they wanted to seek mythical animals on the say so of an improbable bird, that was their affair. Fiona had a quest of her own. She needed to find the antidote to that elixir, sharpish. Catching DW’s eye Fiona walked out of the Tap. DW followed.

They had not gone far when they came across Ik. He was kneeling on the ground and studying a strangely detailed map. Fiona did not believe for a moment that he got it at tourist information, as he claimed. The few places she knew were shown correctly on it, and that settled it as far as she was concerned. She tried arguing but Ik stuck to his story and in the end it hardly mattered. The antidote might be anywhere. If they were going questing then they needed to eat, and they needed equipment despite his absurd claims.

Fiona studied the map looking for a likely café or restaurant

[dj_venom]

"So I said, I said, if you're not a piece of steak, why I am cooking you. To that he replied, because you're a drunk idiot who's commiting murder. Hahahaha" Venom broke off laughing at his own story, realising afterwards that no one was listening. Suddenly, Venom had a thought. Normally Ravager was in the action, so where was he this time? However Venom knew that he would not be able to fnd Rav on his own, instead he had an idea.

Picking up the barstool he had been using, Venom used it to smash the liquor cabinent, in an attempt to reach Phreddie. Crawling through the hole, he found a portal to the lost city of Atlantis, but there was no time for that. Instead, he quickly found Phreddie, and pulled him out, much to his display.

"Preddie, we need to find Rav. I can't walk fast enough, so let me ride you. No Phreddie, calm down, not in that way. NO! BAD PHREDDIE! Pulling a nearby leash out of midair, Venom tied Phreddie up, and flew out of the building on his back.

[Ravager]

Chu had already vanished. Bah. Just like him to be so scatty and disappear at a moment's notice. Ravager was probably better off out of whatever Chu intended to go with for the next 5 minutes anyway.
So, what else was there, he wondered as he sipped his drink.
As Chu would obviously not be revealing details of his 'adventure' he recalled the rumours Lenore had gathered...and the ones he had sent the bird to spread. A missing boar, was it? Heh. Mere happenstance. Whoever unwisely decided to follow Chu would likely chase round in circles for a few hours...and hopefully get lost in the wilderness. Did they really deserve better?
A crash interrupted his internal monologue, the flying goat had reappeared...and disappeared again. Someone familiar was riding the abomination..who?..wait...DJV! The Aussie! Hmm, shame, he may have been worth talking to.

Better find something else to do then, he looked around the common room of the T&T taking in the myriad of sights and people in the place. Finishing his drink and getting up from his chair, he thought he should get more involved in this atmosphere. He'd already caught some glances in his direction...as if they were expecting something more from him, whatever that was.

[ik911]

While the Priest sat besides Icarus, no-one seemed to notice him. He fenced off his face as he performed a reality-check on the mysterious Priest. There was no slap in the face, nor was there a physical connection.

The Priest pointed at the map. He pointed right at Fable's Pancake and Spam Emporium, west of the town. "You shall have three days to arrive there and three days is the time given." the Priest said and then disappeared.

Icarus looked around him, searching for his free will. That annoying Priest seemed to dictate his whole life.

"Well, you heard the man", Icarus said, not fully aware of the fact that no man had spoken to anyone except him. "We shall venture westwards for three days. The pancakes are waiting!" He stood up, still as decisively as he had been the last thirty minutes and got puzzled faces in return.

"What seems to be the matter?" He asked. "Is it my nosehairs?" He quickly tied them into a knot, so they would not fall over his lips all the time.

[dragon wench]

DW glanced at Icarus, and her ears pricked up at his mention of the Fabled Pancake Emporium.
The establishment was known far and wide as serving the best pancakes in the lands...
With haste, she sped to the Tap and Tea's upstairs, and collected her travelling gear.
As she packed, DW spied a robe she had not worn since the last Halloween Party she had attended.
It was a deep red, and an intricately detailed black and gold dragon was emblazoned upon its back. In other words, it was the perfect mage's robe, and she was of course, the quintessential mage....

A few moments later she was outside the tavern, ready to travel westwards in search of pancakes and spam.

[Bloodstalker]

This was bad. Extremely bad. It was worse than the time VH1 classic had canceled the 24 hour Tribute to Tawney Kitaen in Music Video and replaced it with Nelson Day. Worse than the time he'd tried water instead of Turkey to placate some female prohibitionist back in '93...or was it '96? He couldn't remember, and he didn't care. Right now he was staring through his telescope at the Tap and Tea in a fit.

A lurker scrambled into the lookout room of the Citadel of Solitude and hastily removed the batteries from the smoke detector and sprinkler system. Bloodstalker detested unscheduled baths and the little cloud of smoke rising from his head was threatening to set them off. Finished with his duty, the lurker could only wonder what was irritating his master to such extremes. The answer was soon evident.

"A Quest!" BS screamed in rage, hopping back across the room on one foot."Why is it always some damned fool quest? Damned mysterious portents and proclomations of adventure.Why don't these guiding forces ever invite people to lingerie pillow fights!"

"But sir," the Lurker began," I don't see.."

BS cut him off abruptly, wildly flining his arms about. "I know you don't see dammit. Neither do I, that's the problem."

BS continued before the Lurker could speak," Don't you get it man, I'm a hermit. I live alone. That means for some reason unknown to anybody, these wankers will think I know something about whatever it is their looking for. Some of them at least will come here asking foolish questions like 'Which way to Katmandu', or 'Whats the capital of Montana' or 'Say, you wouldn;t happen to have anything to drink around here, would you?'. It's despicable!"

BS paused to consider his own words. It was true, they would come this way, and they would want his booze. Or worse, they'd try and jump his claim on the tunnels.

"That's it!" he screamed in a manly manner. "One thing I cain;t stand be claim jumpers. Git out there and set the traps. Alert the Lurkers. Have all parties followed. Be on the lookout at all times. Take any pictures you can of any of the females nude if they happen to bath in the streams and bring them back to me. In fact, take a vidoe camera."

As the lurker retreated to put BS's orders in action, BS wandered around the room, rummaging for his slingshot.

[Hill-Shatar]

Hill began to slowly pack in his cozy room that had cost him a pretty penny from the welcoming hostess, who was now closing up. He could hear the Mage yelling something to the short man with tied up nosehairs and another young lady about soon moving out. Quickly changing out of his coat he used for studying, that was doused in pink liquid (many thought it was his dress, but was truly only a coat that tasted remarkably like strawberries) he changed into the long robes of a neutral (not to mention mostly mute) mage.

That lady had caught his interest. She had great power, great indeed.... turning back to his sparsely packed bag, he noticed that several of his spell components were missing. 'Blast!' he thought to himself, once again thinking of the strange crowd who frequented the inn,'it had better not been any of those kender!'

Walking out of the room to go in search of the nearest one, he nearly tripped over a dropped fish. Seeing the owner charge in distress towards the fish, he quickly backed up to avoid the man, who clumsily slipped around the fish and ran into the wall. Apparently quite appeased at having bruises to count, Hill went downstairs and amused himself by shaking several kender (and what seemed to be some sort of imp) upside down to find what was left.

He had spoken with many people in the inn. Some were very strange indeed, especially this one man who was bent over the map in front of him, his nosehairs tied into a neat bow that kept on running into his lip in steady motions.

Giving the other Mage a large, blue crystal and offering his services whenever required, Hill tunred and headed to the east, a mountain range looming in front of him. Wondering how he was going to make it there unscathed, he decided to look for a sect of Satan worshippers to join, and hopefully take the Caravan route to this landmark of great power. Perhaps he would meet others on the way...

[dj_venom]

"Stop biting my finger or I'll bite your ear. Good, we have that sorted." This flying goat was considerably slower than Venom had thought, but it was still faster than walking, and eventually they reached Rav's house. Of course, like all English dwellings, it was surrounded by constant rain, making it one of the most inhospitable places.

He would knock on the door, but why do that when you have a goat to fly in through the window. Charging in, Venom and Phreddie smashed through the window, scattering glass everywhere. After much searching through Rav's fridge and cupboards, Venom set to work, while Phreddie sat chewing on his lounge. He found a few English flags, some left over pieces of fish and chips, and of course, plenty of tea and crumpets, but there was no Rav.

Just as he was leaving, Venom spotted a Raven feather, sitting near a book about Bird Taming. Venom reached over to grab it, when suddenly Phreddie jumped across and started eating the book. Oh well, too late. Jumping back on Phreddie, Venom flew back to the T&T, thinking he may have missed Rav.

Sure enough, as he arrived, there was Rav, just lurking in a corner, Venom quickly hurried across, leading Phreddie with him.

[Ravager]

Hmm...what to do? What to do? He was never a fan of being the centre of attention, even though appearances could be deceiving. Getting another drink, he wandered through the crowd picking up the odd snippet of conversation. Little took his interest and some of the people even went quiet at his approach. Some dark secrets there, obviously.
Eventually he found a corner, at least there would be a little peace and quiet perhaps even solitude to be found. Sometimes that was for the best. Continuing to sip at his drink, which turned to be some form of foul cider (Yecch!) he was approached by the person he had seen riding the goat earlier. And of course, the winged goat itself was being led along too. So much for being inconspicious. They were directly approaching his table, nothing for it then.
Getting up, he greeted them. "How nice to see you both. Care for a drink?", then glancing at the goat and smirking "and some water for your noble mount perhaps?"

[dj_venom]

"If it isn't Ravager himself. I took a visit to your house, and I found something very interesting." As Venom said that, Ravager went pale. "That's right, I found that you had an album from the Spice Girls. I'm shocked at you Ravager! Oh, and that book about bird taming, Phreddie ate it. Now, we need a goat, as said by the Raven itself. For that, I have an idea.

You see, unknown to most, Phreddies are asexual. Just like a starfish. Which means, if I cut off a piece of him, it will turn into a new Phreddie. In this way, we can travel vast distances. But before I do that, I'm going to need a cleric to help stop the blood flow, any suggestions about where I could find one?"

[Lasher]

Lasher couldn't help overhearing the need for clerical assistance. It seemed that a posse was being formed to fetch his holy goat, so he quickly stepped forward, and explained his situation. "I sirs, have been well trained in the healing arts, and my patron god favors me highly. Allow me to travel with you, and we shall find this goat together!"
After Lasher had demonstrated his powers by ripping the head off of a fish on the floor and miraculously reattaching it, it was unanimously decided his services were invaluable...
"So where to, gents?"

[Athena]

Dropped on the Plains

In a blue flash of light Athena collapsed in the escape from Dark Flames Harem Tent. She had somehow been hexed and her yang energies were weak. What had happened? How had she gotten here without remembering a series of events between the Dark Flame and here?

She was on the plains of Tallisker facing south along the western bank of some river who's name was unknown to her. Athena's divine vision happened while in a fit of violence escaping the tent that had somehow rendered her unconcious and landed her in this place far to the south. Had she been drugged? How long had it been? She foresaw that to regain her energy she would first need the steadfastness of the steed. She stood up. "I will head southwest from here."
*Snap*
"What was that?"
Athena was in the silouhettes of short evergreen trees. There was a moonlight path in front of and behind her and a babbling brook to her left, to the right, the woods, where the noise came from. Beyond that, the plains.
She saw a strange blue flash dart between shrubs, and it was gone. She heard nothing. Her power to sence personality in spirit had been hexed.

A bit overwhelmed by what had happened, she tracked to the south stealthily observing her surroundings. Wind whistled between trees, and she felt a warmth pulling her south along the path. Her divine power to sence forces threatening or docile were still there. "Damned Hexes" she said to make sure this wasn't a dream.

Athena concentrated and her eyes glowed red as she cautiously meandered on her way down the path to the south, emitting a cute little path of cursed sparks behind her. Why could Athena not tell what being was in the the woods or how she had escaped the Tent? When would she regain her yang energy so she could go with her comrades to continue the quest for the goat of the three symbolic entities and the Holy Spam? How many more strange encounters would she have before she reached the Haven of the Steed?

[dragon wench]

Standing outside of the Tap and Tea, DW realised there was something missing...something important that she should have. She wrinkled her brow and attempted to concentrate. After the flurry of activity surrounding the pub, the strange events of that day (and night), too much Scotch and little sleep, this was no mean feat.

An impatient neigh emanated from behind the tavern, followed by the sound of kicks against a stable door.

Of course! She had forgotten all about the horses. All heroes destined to conquer dangerous monsters and dastardly villains were supposed to ride off into the sunrise astride a noble steed, were they not?

She ran into the stables and secured her horse, a midnight black stallion with a dangerous glitter in his eye. DW led the stallion and several more horses to the front of the tavern, fervently hoping that her travelling companions could ride. But, of course, they were heroes, she couldn't imagine any reason why they would be unable to.

With that thought, she saddled up her stallion and leapt upon his back. The animal pawed the ground and snorted in anticipation, clearly eager to be off.

Looking about for Fiona, Icarus, and anyone else who might accompany them, DW tried to settle her horse while scanning the horizon and wondering what adventures lay ahead.

[Phreddie]

Grabbing his bottle of febreeze from his shoulder holster, Phreddie quickly transformed back into the form of a Human. "Dear Sirs, It would benefit you greatly to keep your hands and blades off of me, for if I do come to any harm at your hands, I will be forced to destroy your ability to procreate if you catch my drift!" Looking around to make sure he was taken seroiusly, and he was, Phreddie took this opportunity to relieve himself on DJV. "Oh, and by the way, I am most definitly not asexual, that is the Holy Spam Goat, who if the rumors amonst the goat herds are true, has been recently split into seven seperate entities (each representing a certain aspect of the Goat of Spam), and must be reassembled for the Holy Spam ever to be truly... what ever it is we are trying to do to the spam." Looking around seeing the puzzled looks on the faces of his fellows, either puzzled or in the case of Ravager, bored, Phreddie then began to enquire about the particulars involved. "now all we need to do is get some weapons and armor, settle the matter of tranportation, you shant be riding me, only a few have those priveliges, oh, and food, although I dare say there will be some camps for plundering along the way... Oh and I do know the locations of all seven Goats, The first Goat is rumored to be lurking around Epona's Ranch, I have plotted a course south to the Red Lion Inn, where we shall pass a night enjoying warm beds and good drink, then we will turn to the west and continue towards Epona's Ranch, I have some Family amidst the Goats there, we should be welcomed and be able to buy new equipment, supplies, and find some information, for now, to the South."

[Fiona]

Fiona turned at sound of hooves and saw DW already mounted. She smiled indulgently. She had to admit that the outfit was stylish, if a little impractical.

Her own horse was waiting patiently in the stables and her gear was neatly stowed in the same stall. Swiftly she examined it. All seemed to be in order and she was glad she had not taken it into the inn. The place was infested with Kender, and many people had lost their stuff. DW really ought to employ some security.

Fiona’s horse was not like DW’s noble steed. Harrrap was a solid, bay Percheron. He was glossy and strong with a big heart and a willing nature. He easily carried all her stuff and he could travel all day. They had been together a long time and Harrap stirred eagerly as she saddled him.

Fiona put two bottles of Laphroig in her saddle bags together with a Dundee cake and a big box of shortbread. She carefully placed her Hardanger fiddle in its case and strapped it to Harrap’s side. Fiona was not a real bard, but she had served a rather cold and wet apprenticeship with the fossegrimen, and her fiddle was a formidable weapon at need. A bedroll, some small items and a large feather pillow completed her packing, and she led Harrap round to the front of the Tap to join DW and Ik.

“Ready to go?” she smiled?

[ik911]

While his two companions were running to gather stuff and get their horses ready, Icarus waited. And waited. It is what men always do. They wait for their females, who always have some last things to do when you're about to leave with them.

But there they were, both mounted upon strong looking, healthy horses.

They seemed to expect him to have a horse too, but that was ofcourse unnecessary, for he had his Scythe.

"Watch", he told the ladies on horses. With force, he dug the top of the blade of his scythe about 30 to 40 centimeters (around 15 inches) into the ground.

He grabbed a rope and, much like a horse, reigned up the top of the handle and then lied down on it with his legs folded around it for stability. "Hiya", he said to his scythe, which magically went forward, leaving a trench into the road, like a plough through frosted ground. It wasn't that fast, but it was faster and easier than walking.

He looked over his shoulder and shouted "Are you still coming?" at the dazzled horseriders who quickly caught up, in pursuit of the sun.

[ch85us2001]

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Tap And Tea!!!
I call your attention to the table on which I am now standing!!!!!
I would like to introduce you to thge Party Of the Boar!!
I present unto you, Sir TonyMontana the Young!!!!!!!!!
I present unto you, Sir Magrus the Drunkard!!!!!!! *hic*
And last, leading the party is I, Sir Chu the Zany!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Chu paused to let hiis words take effect.

"Now, we have hit a small speed bump. I have forgot the password to the Spam Factory Stock Room."

"Do not fret however, for I know where it is stored!!!!!!!!
All files are stored in the great Library of Spam!!!!!.
I plan on going south the nice and calm stream, west to Sir Magrus' dwelling, the MCOPCDAWD college, here we can get supplies and rest, then we will trek on foot to the library."

Chu cleared his throat loudly.

"So, give a cheer for your mighty heroes, because they are going to save your sorry skins!!!!!!!!!!"

The room grew suddenly quiet.

Dejectedly chu also muttered, "And Im buying a drink for everone in here."

The room burst into applause . . .

[Phreddie]

"Hmm, before we embark on this journey, of dark deeds, lusty ladies, perilous paths, egregious errors, boiling beuracracies, foul fowl, and aggravating answers, we must first settle the matter of transportation!" At this Phreddie stand sup takes a hit of febreeze, and walks outside, twenty mintues later he reenters the room, carrying three carpets and a giant wooden spool of thread, minus the thread. "here we go, I 'borrowed' these from a bum a couple of blocks away, our need is greater than his." Seeing the confused looks, Phreddie explains: " They are magic flying carpets, one for transportation, one for baggage, and the spool is for Mr. Venom, there is not enough room on the carpets for you, so you get towed behind in your spool, it will levitate, but can not move in a direction with out being pushed or pulled, I myself will fly, acting as a scout at times, but mostly I believe I shall lead this expedition, that is, i will lead if I hear no objections?..." Phreddie sits down and abdicates the floor to any objectors and their objections.