Once more dear friends! Jokes thread!

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:19 pm

Airplane

What would you do?
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:21 pm

[QUOTE=Oskatat]not fair. I'm at that site right now too[/QUOTE]

Well I found it first

Oskatat · Post by **Oskatat** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:22 pm

But I'm further

Grimar · Post by **Grimar** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:24 pm

haha! that was a long one over a little problem!

Oskatat · Post by **Oskatat** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:30 pm

Coping with disapointment

The classes for coping with disapointment are cancelled

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:37 pm

The Geek Quiz

The "Are You A Geek?" Quiz
1. I have moss growing:

A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth

2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:

A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat

3. I think computers are:

A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do

4. I think sheep are:

A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live

5. The Usenet Oracle is:

A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me

6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is:

A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures

7. Bill Gates is:

A) Bill who?
B) Very wealthy
C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
D) The Antichrist

8. In general, people:

A) Like me
B) Don't like me
C) People? What people?

9. My friends are:

A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am

10. My dream vacation is:

A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee

11. My job prospects are:

A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?

Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.

19 or more: Yep. You're a computer geek, all right.

13 - 18: You're a geek of some stripe or another.

7 - 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it...

0 - 6: If you're of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the personals column? Please? Hello?

(this is a jokes thread, mind you)

Oskatat · Post by **Oskatat** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:39 pm

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the priest.
Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.

The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what your problem is."

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:43 pm

Mood Joke

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

~~~~~~~~~~

Moods of a Man

Horny.

Oskatat · Post by **Oskatat** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:49 pm

Hmmm, dont remember this one clearly and cant find it:

Things to do to please a woman:
take her shopping
talk with
listen to her
agree with her
say you love
buy perfume for her
buy jewelry for her
give up bad habits
take her for a romantic dinner
last more than 5 minutes upstairs

(forgot some here)

Things to do to please a man:
Take off clothes
Shut up
Bring beer

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:54 pm

Prince Charming

One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming and asked him why he's so glum.

"You wouldn't believe it," the Prince replied. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow White, fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips. I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give Snow White a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods, when suddenly she screams out, 'Ah yes'!"

"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replied to Prince Charming. "Then she is alive!"

Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming replied, "Nah. She faked it."

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 4:11 pm

Promote Safe Sex

Which Condom Would You Use?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey, you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Bet 'cha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border.
MCI: for friends and family.
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 4:41 pm

Clue

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 4:44 pm

Ha, I love that last one.

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 4:48 pm

Ty, curious, why wouldn't (your thoughts inserted here) be good for you to tell me?

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 4:53 pm

PM'd you that one, don't want to spam up Luis' thread.

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 4:57 pm

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a whole lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:00 pm

Those are all horrible.

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:07 pm

Ok Mag, here's one for you.
Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:09 pm

Erm, the skin?

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:10 pm

#$&_

The Malignant Growth!!! I just felt like saying something thats completly ridiculous...