Once more dear friends! Jokes thread!

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:14 pm

@Mag; the wheelchair

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:17 pm

HA! Oh wow. I love it. It's so not right, but I love it!

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:20 pm

Virus Alert

If you receive an email entitled "Fighting Canaries," delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection..

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 6:13 pm

Question

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
and...
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 6:16 pm

[QUOTE=Athena]point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?[/QUOTE]

I do that acctually.

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 6:17 pm

Muahaha well
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 6:34 pm

Here's a cute one

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 6:48 pm

Ha, that's hilarious. I love cooking anyways so no biggie for me. I don't let other people cook for me since I'm picky. My mom and step-dad get like that though. If he says anything, she stops screams and makes him cook.

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:16 pm

Another doctor joke

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:19 pm

I think I've changed my mind on the way I want to go. Dad's gonna love it.

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:07 pm

God and the Devil

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.

Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.

Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.

About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.

"Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried.

"Hell yes, I remember!" Said the devil.

"Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed!

"I'll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil.

"Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!!

"And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil!!!!!

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:16 pm

Computer Jokes

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Helpline: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Helpline: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly)"I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"
Helpline: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

***************

I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of
the key.
When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 10:36 pm

UFO Joke

Q. Why do aliens make crop circles?

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 11:02 pm

Why don't they?

Oskatat · Post by **Oskatat** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 2:20 pm

its easier than squares?

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:37 am

[QUOTE=Athena]Q. Why do aliens make crop circles?[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Darth Zenemij]Why don't they?[/QUOTE]no
[QUOTE=Oskatat]its easier than squares?[/QUOTE]and no.
Because they are corny!

Luis Antonio · Post by **Luis Antonio** » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:42 am

Erm... Jokes, people, jokes...

Two tomatoes were crossing the street.
The first tomato says "look at that tr..." Blosh!
The second says "wich tr..." Blosh.

(replace Blosh with fart noises, if you wish)

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Mon Jun 20, 2005 12:03 pm

Why would tomatoes make farting noises Luis?

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Mon Jun 20, 2005 12:06 pm

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a ****.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Mon Jun 20, 2005 12:18 pm

That is hilarious, and so true.