GameBanshee Forums

This is a Facebook post from the group Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs, outlining my solution to the ongoing US gay marriage debate. The idea started out as simply another facetious idea for a university essay, but after I came up with the extended version below it's now my honest opinion as the most fair and even-handed solution to the whole stupid 'dilemma' - even if it is mostly held for my own personal amusement, as per most of my opinions.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy.

I'm straight but fully believe anyone dumb enough to want to get married should be able to. Divorce courts, ugly custody battles, more crappy sitcoms a la Everybody Loves Raymond than you can bear - seriously, you gays are welcome to it, have a ball (for the gay guys, have 4)! However...
I am also a Pastafarian, and so am very familiar with having my beliefs and sacred ceremonies denigrated by those who don't understand their true significance. Thus I am forced to admit that to allow access to the Christian institution of marriage (well, OK, it's not really, but someone let the religions get it a while back and Indian giving is so classless) to 'abominations in the eyes of God' is offensive to many zombie Jew worshipers. Yet not to do so is discriminatory - what a bind!
Yet there is a solution, one that happily promotes legal equality and keeps our Christian friends hallowed ceremony duly hetero. Ladies, gentlemen and others, I present you:
GARRIAGE.
Yes, Garriage. A simple amalgamation of the words "Gay Marriage", 'marriage for gays' as it were. Fully equivalent to 'normal' (i.e. hetero) marriage only without the homophobic God getting his knickers in a twist. It's an easy term to understand so everyone, including many of the Christians who so object to sharing marriage like some filthy Commie (many of whom tend to be on the lower end of the education tree), will grasp its meaning with ease, similar-sounding to marriage so it rolls off the tongue just as easily, not, repeat NOT, 'marriage' so no true believers will have to share, it's the same but legally different! Gays will not be married, they will be Garried.
But wait, there's more! This idea can even be extended to bisexual and lesbian relationships with the related-yet-deistinct ceremonies of Barriage and Larriage, thus providing a special avenue for everyone - regardless of orientation - to sign bits of paper saying they love each other, instead of just letting their actions speak for themselves. Bisexuals are naturally the real winners here, having access to Marriage, Barriage, Garriage, or Larriage, but then I feel they deserve that special something for being such paragons of open-mindedness (and giving straight guys like me way more opportunities for drunken threesomes at parties). To reiterate...
Gays could get Garried.
Bisexuals could get Barried, Garried, or Larried.
Lesbians could get Larried.

It is my erstwhile hope that, should this idea ever be implemented, heterosexuals would see the simple elegance of this system and soon follow suit themselves by renaming Marriage to Harriage.

This has already been tried with civil unions. The problem is that religious types see any type of marriage between two individuals of the same sex as being an affront to god, so civil unions are nothing more than a revived separate-but-equal law, and that's exactly what garriage, or barrage, or whatever you call it will be. Legally separating people to avoid potential conflicts institutionalizes prejudices and stunts our growth to modernity. I personally have no wish to placate those who would damn social liberalism by upholding the bigoted laws and beliefs of bronze age sheep herders.