GameBanshee Forums

OK, I searched for a while and couldn't find any posts like this previously at GB or within recent times. So, if it's been here before and moderators feel like waxing the thread, go ahead and my apologies. I stumbled across this list and it had me ROFL. So, here are the most worthless D&D spells.


Acid Trip
Alamir's Fundamental Theorem
Anger God
Animate Bread
Anti-Magic Magic Missle
Become Dead (reverse of Resurrect Self)
Bigby's Clenched Teeth
Bigby's Critically Fumbling Hand
Bigby's Insulting Hand (the second finger is rather prominent)
Break the Wind
Change Elf
Charm Dead
Clear Audience (usually follows Delayed Blast Flatulence)
Create Coat Hanger
Cure Light Winds
Cure Smoked Ham
Deathwish
Detect Dead (Yep, he's dead alright...)
Detect Detect Spells
Detect Lightning Bolts (area: 5')
Detect Pervert
Detect Self
Drawmij's Instant Coffee (components: hot water and cup)
Enlightening Bolt
Enrage Dragon
ESPN
Evard's Blue Testicles
Explosive Friends
Feign Orgasm
Foreskin
Get Life
Globe of Vulnerability
Guess Alignment
Hair Extension I, II, III
Heel
Hold Bladder
Hold Self
Impress Plants
Improper Suggestion
Invisibility to Dead
Irritate Self
Kender Summoning I, II, III
Knock Knock
Legend Bore
Leomund's Grass Hut
Lightning Blot
Locate Right Hand
Maggot Missle
Magic Gristle
Mail of the Banshee
Melf's Acid Trip
Mildly Surprising Grasp
Mistaken Identify
Mordenkainen's Aroused Hound (can't get it off of the nearest leg)
Mordenkainen's Unfaithful Wife
Otto's Irresistible Disco-Duck
Part Hair
Phantasmal Fork
Power Word, NO!
Power Word, Puke
Protection from Self
Psychoanalyze Without Error (Zo, ven dit you shtop lofink your mutter?)
Rectum of Retention
Remove Hand (yours)
Reservation
Rest Erection
Resurrect Living
Sheepskin
Shocking Gasp (usually follows Tenser's Shocking Suggestion)
Silence of the Lambs, 15' radius
Speak With Self
Tasha's Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter
Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Flatulence
Teleport Without Destination
Teleport Without Terror
Tenser's Formatted Disk
Tenser's Shocking Suggestion (you want to WHAT??!)
Transmute Rock to Jazz
Unseen Manservant
Unseen Pervert
Wall of Dog
You Wish!
ZX-Spectral Force

How about:

Melf's Minute Brass Ball
Seek Terrain
Speak to Mud
Wizard Stalker (range: 1 inch)

ROFLMAO!!!!
Ha ha ahahha ahhha heeeh ehee heeh hoo. That's the funniest thing I've seen for ages. My sister even came down two floors to see what was wrong with me because she thought I was crying, and now I've got hiccoughs..wait, I'm goping to go and get a glass of water

I love 'Animate Bread'...and 'Wall of Dog' is possbly the funniest mental image I've had all day...

LMAO @HLD 'Speak to Mud'

nearsight
summon sloth
Protection from Friends
create tar and feathers

Oooooold thread, but I know something like it was done in the BG2/SoA forum a while back.

Summon Uncola.

Magic Thistle
Magic Whistle
??? Cone of Ice Cream ???

Originally posted by frogus
I love 'Animate Bread'...and 'Wall of Dog' is possbly the funniest mental image I've had all day...

LMAO @HLD 'Speak to Mud'

I could see the Koreans getting excited about that "wall of Dog" one...

teleport without destination actually got me laughing

Dragon Magazine published an article of these many years ago called "Still More Outrages from the Mages: Dimwitted dweomers from the Misbegotten Realms" by John M. Maxstadt in issue #144 (April 1989), their "Spring Swimsuit Issue" (actually an April Fools issue). If you every get a chance, pick it up in a comic book store or RPG game shop's vintage magazine bin. On top of the useless spells, there are articles like "Cheating Made Easy", "Cheating Made Even Easier", "A Field Guide to Game-Convention Orinthology" and "Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About Role-Playing: Everything that wasn't in the rules, that is". Plus there is the single greatest letter to the editor ever printed in a RPG magazine, "Legend" by a guy named Roger E. Moore (I'm sure he's no relation to James Bond). It should only run you a couple of bucks at a shop or convention booth, but it's worth looking for.

Other spells (forgive me if they've also been mentioned):

Audible Curse
Burning Mouth
Charm Dead
Detect Normal Fires
Detect Object
Drawmij's Instant Death
Explosive Familiar
Feign Invisibility
Fool's Summoning III
Invisible Runes
Monster Invulnerability
Protection from Normal Cold
Stone Breathing
Transmute Rock to Stone
Water Plant

I know a few audible curses... In fact, they work better that way...

Originally posted by HighLordDave
Protection from Normal Cold
Stone Breathing
Transmute Rock to Stone
Water Plant

Nice selection. How about--

Create Lint
Examine Arrows
Detect Vegetables
...and that Druid favorite, Foreskin?

While installing Office X4 I had a few minutes, and used them according to my personal equivalent of the US dominant Protestant work ethic. The results:

Protection From Authorial Intent
Insensibility 10'
Delayed Toenail Blast
Enrage Salon Owner
Find Public Bathroom
Summon Action Figure
Summon Pork Fried Rice
Resurrect Dental Floss
Hold Jaywalker
Repel Sleaze
Bigby's Sign of Good Eats
Melf's Anapestic Rhythm
Detect Unreliable Narrator
Silence Fishies

fable wrote:While installing Office X4 I had a few minutes, and used them according to my personal equivalent of the US dominant Protestant work ethic. The results:

Protection From Authorial Intent
Insensibility 10'
Delayed Toenail Blast
Enrage Salon Owner
Find Public Bathroom
Summon Action Figure
Summon Pork Fried Rice
Resurrect Dental Floss
Hold Jaywalker
Repel Sleaze
Bigby's Sign of Good Eats
Melf's Anapestic Rhythm
Detect Unreliable Narrator
Silence Fishies

What about the level 6 spell...
Find Clean Public Bathroom

BlueSky wrote:What about the level 6 spell...
Find Clean Public Bathroom

An optimist, aren't you?

Some more useful spells:

Summon Game Show Host
Animate Cartoon
Wail of the Emo
Detect Pizza
Tenser's Automated Call In Service
Globe of Snow
Cure Nasal Drip
Charm Mailbox
Freeze Metaphor

Wine To Water
Summon Taxman III
Tenser's Instant Nagging Wife
Melf's Spoiled Brat
Storm Of Dandruff
Nasal Hair of Frost Giant Strength
Drown Self
Mordekainen's Answering Service
Swarm Of Teenagers
Eyesore
Chain Smoking
Part Hair
Charm Mother-In-Law
Control Friends
Keel Over
Murdoch's Senile Grandpa
Sweaty Palms 10'
Reverse Identify
Ray Of Tadpoles
Invisible Feet 10'
Hug Undead
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Sister
Spongeform
Evard's Black Eye
Feign Paying Attention
Summon Cheating Girlfriend II
Summon Cheating Boyfriend (cantrip)
Melf's Instant Limp Handshake

Summon Blue Screen of Death
Black papercut of disaster

Mordenkainen's IRS Mansion
Scorching Urination
Condom of Faith
Obscure enemy
Protection from Secret Service
Prying Eyeholes
Purify Death Sticks
Baleful self reincarnate
Dispel Self
Soften Flesh and Blood
Speak with Living

Some lame ones

Power Word, Twist! (Let's Twist Again)
Power Word, Hula-hoop!
Bless Urine
Summon Porn Star!
Animate Bush!

Sorry if some of these powers are mentioned:

Make Enemies More Powerful
Weaken Yourself
Portal to Your Current Location
Transmute Friends Into Enemies
Power Word, BOOYAH!
Detect Nothing
Kill the Dead
Invisible Invisibility
Disrupt TV Signal
Disable Internet Connection
Conjure Spaghetti IV
Read Text
Insert Smileys (IT WORKS!)
Q-Ray Vision
Make Up Silly Spells

Not as much a spell, but a special ability, and a miss-type of myself:
Swallow Hole.