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English Assignment - Short Story

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 3:09 pm
by Vicsun
This is a short-story which I am supposed to hand in tomorrow as an english assignment. I was inspired by Aegis' Soldier's Pride and based my story on it. Hope he won't mind :o . I'm not a good writer so don't expect a masterpiece..

And btw, I'll give a cookie to the first person who finds out two references to a linkin park song and one reference to a movie (it's very obvious, but I just felt better putting something like this in)
He sat on the table and ordered a whiskey. The village didn’t have many people – most of them left for the war and never returned. The ones that remained were drinking away their life in an attempt to forget and be forgotten.
When young men went off they had dreams of becoming a hero set deeply into their minds. They dreamed of marching back into a country that loved them or dying for a cause they believed in. He also believed that. Back then. But after he had returned, he believed in nothing at all – he knew better than that. He had learned that belief was trust and trust was weakness. More than one scar could be shown as evidence of this past weakness of his. “Would you like another drink Tyler?” The bartender interrupted his thoughts. Tyler realized he had nearly finished his whiskey, but instead of answering, he just gulped the rest of his glass, dropped a couple of coins on the bar and gestured to the bartender indicating that he’s leaving. As he started turning around and standing up, a sharp pain ran through him, and he fell back on his chair – a reminder that his last wound had not yet fully healed. Cursing, he attempted to stand up again, more slowly this time. The pain was not only a reminder of his wound but also of the fact that the government had done nothing to ease the pain of the surviving “heroes”. Hardly any hospitals worked, and the ones that did only provided services for people who could pay.
If that last bullet had hit him 5 centimeters to the right, right now Tyler would be with the other half of the soldiers – returning prone in one of the mass-manufactured coffins. He wished that it did. Every night since the war was over he prayed, hoping for something to end his life. Though until this day his prayers had not been answered.
The war was over, but he had nothing to return to. He didn’t know anyone anymore. He didn’t know where his family was – when he had come back he had found the house burnt down. He suspected they were dead, though at this point in time he no longer cared.
As he approached the door it opened, banging loudly against the wall interrupting his thoughts for a second time. He half-closed his eyes and put his hand in front of them as the incoming light blinded him. He could see three silhouettes. As his eyes got slowly accustomed to the light he could recognize the crest on the men’s uniforms. They were soldiers like him, though they were rather large and bulky – a sure sign that they had not been in the army for some time. It was only then that he saw that they dragged a young woman of no more than 14 years of age. She was a sorry sight. She had long brown, though now very dirty, hair, her cloths were in tatters, barely covering her womanly features and her face was dry and sullen appearing almost lifeless. As she looked pleadingly to Tyler (who happened to be standing closest to her) one of the soldiers kicked her mercilessly and laughed.
There was a time when something like this would fill Tyler’s body with rage. A time when his pride wouldn’t let him walk away. But these times were gone. He walked past the soldiers without even looking at them.
As he walked out he fought to suppress a feeling inside him that wanted him to run away and never wonder why. He realized that his emotions were like a picture. Once crumpled up it can’t be perfect again. It seemed that a part of him had died after all. Only it was not his body that was dead.

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 3:33 pm
by Kameleon
Originally posted by Vicsun
Tyler
*scratches head* Hmmm.... :D

Good story, though :) For some reason, it reminds me of watching parts of Full Metal Jacket...

Do you want The Amazing Spellchecker™ to tell you his thoughts? There are two points that a normal spellchecker wouldn't pick up...

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 3:42 pm
by Vicsun
Re: Re: English Assignment - Short Story
Originally posted by Kameleon
[BDo you want The Amazing Spellchecker™ to tell you his thoughts? There are two points that a normal spellchecker wouldn't pick up... [/b]


Yes please. I only read it through once after I finished it, due to a lack of time.

And I've never seen Full Metal Jacket. Is it a good movie?

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 3:52 pm
by Aegis
Here's some tips, that I try to go by myself.

Brackets. I know it's fun to add them in, as with many other forms of punctuation, but is generally a good idea to not use them. For instance:
As she looked pleadingly to Tyler (who happened to be standing closest to her) one of the soldiers kicked her mercilessly and laughed.
This would work just as well if you replaced the brackets with a comma, because it's a small break in the sentence to point something out.
The war was over, but he had nothing to return to. He didn’t know anyone anymore. He didn’t know where his family was – when he had come back he had found the house burnt down. He suspected they were dead, though at this point in time he no longer cared.
This here is good, but you might want to elaborate a tiny bit on it. It can become a major part of his character, and views. As it stands, though, it's kind've out there, not connected to anything. Maybe tie in by saying soemthing like "When he ahd returned home, he had discovered his childhood home to have been burnt to the ground, and his family missing, dead for all he knew. Around the town, he watched as the other veterans came home to the open arms of their wives, and children, all the while reminding him of the emptiness inside, and only festering more hate for the government that sent him war, and forgot about him afterwards."

Thats about it that I noticed. either then that, it's pretty good. Keep it up.

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 3:58 pm
by Kameleon
Re: Re: Re: English Assignment - Short Story
Originally posted by Vicsun
Yes please. I only read it through once after I finished it, due to a lack of time.

And I've never seen Full Metal Jacket. Is it a good movie?
Yeah, it's a good movie - unless you've got an uncle whose life was totally ****ed up by the war... :(

OK, when Tyler gives the bartender money, you use the contraction "he's", which generally is considered bad form in prose. Suggestion: "...that he was leaving"

Describing the girl, it should read "clothes" not "cloths".

In the last two paragraphs, you might like to do something about the close repetition of "walked" and "walking" - perhaps changing the second to "leaving" or something?

That's all I could see, apart from the brackets thing that Aegis brought up :) Good luck!

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 3:58 pm
by Vicsun
Thanx for the tips aegis. I guess I'll re-print it with minor tweaks after kam comes back to me with some spelling mistakes that word's spellcheck missed.

edit> I just saw Kam's reply. I'm re-printing it as we speak :) . Thanks for the input guys. I'm off to bed now. Cya tomorrow.

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:06 pm
by Kameleon
Glad to help :) I love proofreading...seems a bit sad but I do :p

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:12 pm
by Aegis
Originally posted by Kameleon
Glad to help :) I love proofreading...seems a bit sad but I do :p
Yeah, it's fun to proof someone elses work, cause it's not your mistakes... Proofing your own though... Ugh... thats not fun :D

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:14 pm
by Kameleon
Originally posted by Aegis
Yeah, it's fun to proof someone elses work, cause it's not your mistakes... Proofing your own though... Ugh... thats not fun :D
I could have a go at Soldier's Pride for you if I have a few spare moments... :)

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:30 pm
by Aegis
Originally posted by Kameleon
I could have a go at Soldier's Pride for you if I have a few spare moments... :)
Oh jeez, the amount of typos and other stuff in there is brutal. In my methods, nothing gets proofed by me until it's finished... If your brave enough, though, go for it.

BTW, I still ain't done proofing Noble Savage... :rolleyes:

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:32 pm
by Kameleon
Originally posted by Aegis
Oh jeez, the amount of typos and other stuff in there is brutal. In my methods, nothing gets proofed by me until it's finished... If your brave enough, though, go for it.

BTW, I still ain't done proofing Noble Savage... :rolleyes:
Hehe - if I have some spare time, I'll start on it - You could start by having "Soldier's" instead of "Soldiers" :p

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:34 pm
by frogus
Perhaps he meant 'soldiers'', not 'soldier's', i.e the pride of many soldiers, in which case it is acceptable to leave the apostrophe out altogether in the case of a title... :D

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:37 pm
by Kameleon
Originally posted by frogus
Perhaps he meant 'soldiers'', not 'soldier's', i.e the pride of many soldiers, in which case it is acceptable to leave the apostrophe out altogether in the case of a title... :D
I wouldn't call that acceptable at all :p And the story seems to focus on just the one soldier, so I find that unlikely ;)

Or he could have got cut off in the middle of writing the title and been meaning to write "Soldiers Pride Themselves In Murdering Millions" :D

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:47 pm
by frogus
After a little thinking, I refer you off the top of my head to Finnegans Wake.

Fight for your lack of apostrophes Aegis! ;)

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:49 pm
by Kameleon
Originally posted by frogus
After a little thinking, I refer you off the top of my head to Finnegans Wake.
Ahh, sucks to that. James Joyce was Irish. And he had a bad proofreader :p

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:51 pm
by frogus
Historically, the Irish have spoken better English than the English...and better English than anybody else either for that matter. I think that Joyce's proofreader would not argue long with you... :D

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 4:52 pm
by Kameleon
Originally posted by frogus
I think that Joyce's proofreader would not argue long with you... :D
No, thank God. He's dead :p

Still, it should have a frickin' apostrophe...and that is proper English, whether you like it or not.

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 5:00 pm
by frogus
I think that punctuation can be applied however the titler wants to in a title, because a title is not a normal sentence anyway. One could easily argue for the grammatical incorrectness of any book title if it is vieweds as a standard sentence, but I think it is a different type of construction altogether. Off the top of my head, I refer you to At Swim Two Birds. No comma? :D Or he could have got cut off in the middle of writing the title and been meaning to write 'At Swim Two Birds I Shot In My Pond Yesterday'... ;) :p

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 5:02 pm
by Gwendri
You guys make me laugh! :D :)

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2002 5:07 pm
by Kameleon
Originally posted by frogus
I think that punctuation can be applied however the titler wants to in a title, because a title is not a normal sentence anyway. One could easily argue for the grammatical incorrectness of any book title if it is vieweds as a standard sentence, but I think it is a different type of construction altogether. Off the top of my head, I refer you to At Swim Two Birds. No comma? :D Or he could have got cut off in the middle of writing the title and been meaning to write 'At Swim Two Birds I Shot In My Pond Yesterday'... ;) :p
I don't know the book, but perhaps he was trying to make a point by having a title that makes relatively little sense. I agree with you that a title is not a real sentence, and I have no problem with books called "Im abit drUnk tooday" or whatever, but Finnegans Wake is just bad grammar... :D

@Gwendri I'm not sure how to take that, but thanks :p