GameBanshee Forums

A friend sent me this some time ago, and I'd forgotten about it until checking that particular email account, thought I'd share

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years
- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats' ass. I
cannot stress this enough.


To pacify you I have posted the following message
on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. (That's why they call it
"fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all
fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,
usually come when called, never drive your car, don't
hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.

haha good stuff i lik the part about falling faster than u can run

# 4 is, unfortuantely, describing my entire family. including the little bit at the bottom.

very nice! lol

Hehehe makes me want to play with my doggy

Describes my old kitties exactly.

I've seen that before, one of my kittens sent it to me as a thing on whether or not she applied to the cat part of it. I was hysterical then, this brought back odd memories. I'm not sure if I should thank you, or go hide.

[QUOTE=dragon wench]don't wear your clothes,
[/QUOTE]

Wear my clothes no...

Tear my clothes yes.

[QUOTE=ch85us2001]Wear my clothes no...

Tear my clothes yes.[/QUOTE]or pee on my clothes.... <shudder>

Or pee just about anywhere... that's why my only pet is a 1,5 inch long rodent.

And when not defecating, chewing evrything in reach apart and deciding on a routine of which person to jump on (and for how long) before moving onto the next person.

I love kitties, they adore me, even if they want to tear everyone else's face off. It's great visiting someone who says they have a cat that is "evil" and "attacks everyone, even me". Usually, the cat ends up purring in my arms and the person is just stunned.

[QUOTE=dragon wench]4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all
fours and doesn't speak clearly. [/QUOTE]

I married this creature, so the rest is academic, right?

Keep fish.

They look great
They do not shed
They do not feed off your plate
They do not demand bed space
You needn't walk them
They do not fight in neighbours gardens
They do not dig up your prized lawn or flower beds
They do not get the neighbours pure bred pregnant
They do not soil your carpets (you do if you spill the tank refill)
They contain their ego battles within a predefined space
They eat surplus young.

*shrugs*

The larger ones are happy to consider a diet of curious cat.

Nuff said

[QUOTE=Magrus]I love kitties, they adore me, even if they want to tear everyone else's face off. It's great visiting someone who says they have a cat that is "evil" and "attacks everyone, even me". Usually, the can ends up purring in my arms and the person is just stunned. [/QUOTE]Though some "kitties," cough, Kittens , might just be plain annoying!

My friend has a dog who will not stop biting her. I was at her place today, and it snuggles up to my leg and licks my hand. I hope nothing icky was on my hand!

[QUOTE=Magrus]I love kitties, they adore me, even if they want to tear everyone else's face off. It's great visiting someone who says they have a cat that is "evil" and "attacks everyone, even me". Usually, the can ends up purring in my arms and the person is just stunned. [/QUOTE]

Actually it was a dog. Some kind of collie cross. A nightmare just getting through the owner's front door .
What a relief when some trainer type decided putting the dog on a lead when visitors arrived would be a good idea. Apparently the dog was nice and well-behaved when there weren't visitors .

Before the lead idea, he would run between us jumping at us for a time, before moving to the next person and repaeating the process. The most annoying bit was when he decided chewing on shoelaces was a good idea, so of course you'd move your foot and then it'd become a game. "No, I like my shoelaces as they are, thanks" .

It's amazing that you get to miss a dog like that, when the owner is forced to part with him .