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A Short Guide to...

Spawning a Blockbuster RPG

The Storyline

A. Choose a Hero (a lad or lass):

1) A young lad of humble origins (a manure-shoveling peasant or a petty criminal is your best bet)…

2) A young lad of fuzzy origins (short/long memory is wiped off due to various bizarre circumstances) destined to discover his true identity in Chapter 4…

3) A young lad of fuzzy-humble origins (adopted/raised by peasants/monks) destined to discover his true identity in Chapter 4…


…is called upon to fulfill a prophecy of some sort. The fellow is bewildered (WHY ME???) and obviously reluctant to stick out his neck, but hey, he is the Chosen One. Tough luck.

B. Choose an Adversary:

1) An extremely evil (and extremely competent, which is even worse) Wizard/Warlord…

2) An extremely evil Lich/ Mummy King/other dead guy who refuses to stay put…

3) An extremely evil Dragon/Demon…

4) An extremely evil and power-crazy group of Ancients/Aliens/Mutants…


…is scheming and plotting to take over the World.

C. Choose how the Evil Adversary is going to pull off his stunt:

1) By screwing the innocent

1) By corrupting the weak and gullible

2) By recruiting the evil and avaricious

3) By spreading pestilence and malicious rumors

4) All of the above

D. Choose …

To be continued by you...

The fact that there's a list means it shouldn't be blockbuster simply because it's cliche enough to have its own list of standards and status quo's of gaming.

I think you missed the point, Siberys...

Lady Dragonfly wrote: I think you missed the point, Siberys...

No, I didn't. This was meant as a sarcastic bit of humor to the cliche that is RPG.

I responded anyways more seriously because as sarcastic as it is, 80% of those statements are completely true, which makes my point that RPG's are truly cliche valid.

Siberys wrote:I responded anyways more seriously because as sarcastic as it is, 80% of those statements are completely true, which makes my point that RPG's are truly cliche valid.

And how is your point different from mine?

Lady Dragonfly wrote:And how is your point different from mine?

I like to rant.

Siberys wrote:I like to rant.

I see. :laugh:

Would you like to continue spawning the Short Guide?

D. The Good guy's Rule of Thumb-

-Always protect the innocent, unless they are any race but human.
-Always Uphold the law, even if it's only a forty gold fine for killing anybody of any political rank.
-Always fight with virtue and honor until you find out that blackguards are SO much cooler!
-The Evil Villain of the story must be a relative of yours or a previous best friend.

E. The Bad Guys Rule of Thumb-

-Always hit the ~ key for ultimate evil exploits!
-Doing quests for towns, earning the gold they give you for them, and then slaughtering them all until that message "The Town of Spree officially Hates You" is nothing to be ashamed of.
-The fair princess of the story is someone you must go all the way with.

F. The Neutral Guys Rule of Thumb-

-Never finish the main story.
-Always swindle more gold out of the poor people in a poor town for your services, and then buy there stuff with that money.
-Setting fire to objects is not technically evil, even if the objects are owned property.
-Nobody likes a druid, so become a ninja-necromancer to destroy them today!

This brings to mind a couple of other RPG Cliche lists I've seen :
The Grand List of Console Role Playing Game Cliches

Dictionary of RPG Cliches

RPGamer - Editorials - RPG Cliches: Part 1

btw Lady D,
I only just noticed your avatar, I really like it

G. Game setting

- Medieval fantasy setting (90% in most RPGs)

H. Dialogue

- Always the long lecture talk between one character and another.
- Contain lots of nonesense.
- Dialogue sequence have to be long, long, long.

I. Game Mechanics

- Use the D&D rules most of the time.
- If not D&D, some dice role rule.
- Must always reload a save game just to get the cool stuff.
- Must use the good/evil mechanic.

J. Rule of every cautious character-

-Ability to save game, thus eliminating one shot deaths. That boss may be hard, but we'll get him on the thirty-seventh try won't we gang?

-99 items of every kind, 99 specifically because the game doesn't understand 100 or above.

-The Ultimate weapons may be insanely hard to get for some characters, and the final boss of the game may be a pushover by the time you obtain them, but dammit all if they don't just looks so cool!

-The Wielder of a ridiculously huge/fat/designed sword is your friend, the wielder of a semi-normal sword if not elongated, take him down now!


K .Rule of RPG's in general-

-No matter the time period, no matter the technological setting, someone in the game, likely a party member, will have a gun.

-Combat doesn't happen realistically, it's never sword on sword or fireball versus ice storm, it's always "Ok, you're up next in initiative."

-Up, down, left, right, A, B, A, B, Select, Start = OMG!

1) Use elves.

2) Use dwarves. Make sure they have Scottish accents.

3) Set the RPG in a place filled with "quaint" houses, and call it medieval, even though it shares nothing with the medieval period.

4) If you kill something wielding a neat weapon and having great armor, make sure the corpse contains nothing but a knife.

5) Make the final villain ridiculously overpowered.

L. Choose the right glitches

1) The powerful enemies get stuck behind crates at the right moment

2) Telling Beggemotto the Poor Farmer again and again that his pathetic quest is completed allows players to receive unlimited amount of gold and XP.

3) While talking to Morbinda the Nice, choosing the dialog option "Pleasure is all mine" makes the game crash. Choosing the dialog option "Fork out all your money, bwahahaha" does not.

4) Using resolution higher than 800x600 makes computers explode.

EDIT:

btw Lady D,
I only just noticed your avatar, I really like it

Thank you...

M. Rule of the Lazy Developers.

-Release the game six months earlier only single checking for bugs and glitches.
-Release it for multiple consoles to get a massive amount of income from all systems.
-String out endless patches and apologies for releasing too early intentionally, yet don't bother with patches for the console versions even though internet capability on many modern systems is common now.
-Release a game of the year edition that has all the patch fixes and a couple updates with either expansions or mods, charge 25% more for the game of the year edition than the regular edition even though the patches are completely free.
-Create a new expansion, rinse and repeat the first steps.

N. Put time into world detail

1. Lets face it, even the best RPG can be a let down, or would be much better, --NWN-- if detail wasn't/was put into the mapping textures. I understand that the result of this is that you have a monster, system hog of a game when too much detail is utilized, but I feel that it can be accomplished enough as to make it not seem as if you are traversing the same maps with different shades. For example, the only thing different about dungeons and caves being the color.
2. I feel also that NPCs and enemy characters should be varied enough so that you are not aware of the repetition. Unfortunately for sticklers like me, I notice most enemy reappearances, and I feel let down when it happens.
3. Item detail. Receiving new items and upgrades is one of the most satisfying aspects of the game. I feel that we need items that have unique characteristics and great looks. Items should be crafted to reflect player archtypes: the cool dark demonic armor for evil character, stealthy looking armor for sneakers, shiney, heroic paladinesque armor for all of the lawful players, and ecetera.

Very good, LD.

Dialog choices consist of...

1) Very short "oh, really" comments that do nothing but provide punctuation for an NPC's speech.

2) Language and item purchasing options that never change in character, even if you're speaking with an NPC whose son you saved from slavery, or whose father you just shredded with a elven meat grinder (+4 to slice and dice).

3) Agreeing to a request, or acting like a 5-year-old throwing a fit. This either:

a) Ends the quest forever, or

b) Allows you to restart the dialog and choose between the same options over again. Ad infinitum.

ADVENTURING AT ITS BEST

1) Make FedEx-type quests the Chosen One’s first priority.

Upgrade: 10 sec after the Chosen One accepts a FedEx mission, he must receive a lucrative counter-offer from a bad guy.

Benefit: Illusion of “Moral Choice”.

2) Strategically position 150 pilgrims and merchants along the Chosen One’s path and make him escort each of them, one at a time, from point A to point B.

Upgrade: Make the escorted merchants and pilgrims walk very slowly.

Super Upgrade: Make the escorted merchants and pilgrims stuck in a tree, drown in a pond, or get killed by mosquitoes 5 sec prior to arrival.

Benefit: Increased replayability value.

3) Make the Chosen One work for free, refuse his rightful payment and starve in the street because after refusing 500 GP reward he can’t afford to pay 5 GP for a meal.

Upgrade: Make all merchandize -- decent armor and weapons -- cost 25,000 GP each.

Benefit: Young players learn that crime does not pay.

4) Create long meaningless cutscenes while disabling ESC.

Upgrade: Have these cutscenes immediately followed by a challenging duel requiring the player to reload at least fifty times.

5) Fill the map with a gazillion of annoying generic critters.

Upgrade: Make them attack the Chosen One from his bony behind every time he is engaged in a very important dialog.

6) Make a party member start a long philosophical dispute during a battle.

7) Make the weakest party members rush into the fray before the player even realizes there is going to be one.

8) Have at least one NPC permanently added to the party, against everybody’s will.

9) Create 10,000 fancy spells with only three or four useful.

Upgrade: Make monsters immune to all magic spells.

10) Place dragons in every cave.

Upgrade: Make each dragon look like purple Barney.

11) Create a sprawling skill tree with such skills as “Resistance to mold” and “Weather forecast proficiency”.

Upgrade: Make skills increase 0.0005% per added skill point per level.

12) Create a combat system that requires simultaneous pressing of 12 keys on the keyboard.

13) Alternatively, create a combat system that requires pressing Left Mouse Button only once – in the beginning of the game.

You know, larger parts of the above posts remind me of Gothic II

And Morrowind of course.

Vocal Acting

1) Try to get your programming staff to do all the vocal acting in your game. The fact that they mumble and can't be understood, much less act, is no detriment to their involvement.

2) If they can snicker or stumble while reading their lines, all the better.

3) If you have a part for a sneaky, underhanded farmer, be sure your programmer gives him or her a stereotypical Mexican accent. If it's a merchant, use an exaggerated, East European Jewish accent. The idea is to offend as many minorities as possible.

4) If your programming staff refuses, then use as much money in your budget as possible to hire the most expensive name talent. Even though this has never been shown to sell more games, yet definitely does detract from the cash you'll have for real game-related improvements, do it, by all means.

...MORE ADVENTURING

14) One of the taverns must feature a drinking contest. Dwarves rule.

Upgrade: the tavern doubles as a brothel.

15) Include at least one “lever puzzle” or “floor mosaic puzzle” that unlocks a door leading to FedEx Quest Item Chamber.

Upgrade: place an “apprentice diary” containing step-by-step solution to the puzzle into a nearby chest.

16) Update the Chosen One’s Journal every 5 minutes with detailed instructions on what he should do next. “You should talk to Morono, now”, “You should visit the castle Moronius, now.”, “You feel that you should travel to Morontown, now”.

Upgrade: Make all these visits compulsatory by eliminating all other options.