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hey everybody! i cant believe i haven't been on in almost a month! yeowzers!

I have been spending more time with my son, as he has been starting to show behavior issues. i am hoping it is just a terrible 2's stage and being frustrated on not being able to fully express his words. He has been starting to do self inflicted tantrums, like slapping his head/face and banging his head against things. it make me feel so sad to see him do this, and VERY nervous when he does this around my ex's mother (she threatened to take me to court and call the cops on me, telling me i am keeping her grandkid away from her... NOT true)

i also have been able to go to bed earlier and fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time. I usually can't go to bed before 2:30am.

Then a few weeks ago, i got rear ended. there was only MINOR damage to my car (only scrapes and such, no dents) but i ended up going to the emergency room that night because my back was hurting me. normally, i would have just dealt with it, but trying to keep up with my 19 month old.... i felt i better be checked out. i am fine tho, i was just jerked around enough to aggravate my already acting up back.

Then last week (will the list ever stop? lol, yes) in this class i go to, we had a guest speaker. I heard him speak before last year and had talked to him, i got his business cards and gave them to my dad. my dad didn't do anything with them but toss them on the floor with the rest of his junk. This speaker, Lee Taft, is an amazing guy, who overcame ALOT!! he was a druggie, a boozer, and using his words .... "did everything but, rape, and harm woman and children.." he was with a nasty biker gang and ended getting caught for drug dealing/growing/ect..ect.. and spent many years in prison. He himself said that he went from having it all (even tho it was drug money) to having absolutely nothing. but Lee was determined to make his life better..... He is now top sales manager for a MAJOR radio company here in Oregon than owns all but 1 or 2 coastal stations, he also was able to get full custody of his daughter, he does youth counseling, and is also now a pastor with his own church. I so wish my dad would have talked to him. i really think that Lee could have helped him through his problems that he had before he killed himself. so anyways, when Lee came to speak last week..... it was very hard for me. after he was done speaking, i went up to Lee and thanked him for speaking to us and then i told him my dads story, and that i wished my dad would have talked to him... he might still be around. Lee looked so grateful that i thanked him and had faith in him to help my dad, that i just started balling! and i continued to cry periodically for the rest of the day.

So on a happier note, i am doing better, both physically and mentally. my son is getting a bit better too with his issues. I hope to be around more now

Hey Sparky kat, good to hear from you. I don't know anything about kids so I have nothing there, but maybe someone else would have some insight. Yeah I'm getting up earlier and bed earlier lately too. Its kind of nice to be up a little earlier its peaceful very early and I love my coffee!

That sounds like an inspiring person, the speaker. I'm glad that people believe in him that he is changed his ways and so forth. My friend got a DUI and she is finally stopped drinking (although I think she's in danger of relapse) and she experiences the problem that some people don't believe her that she has quit. It has been quite a problem because basic trust between people is kind of necessary if they are going to work together.

Anyhow good to hear from you. I think its important to distinguish regret from guilt. Guilt is always a bad trip and it is really just beating yourself up I think rather than moving on moving on. Regret on the other hand can be positive or negative. If you regret something that you really feel you did bad then that is good! In fact it has the power to overcome the bad you did and transform it into the basic goodness of your heart. So that kind of regret you can be inspired and happy when you feel it because it is good. (Regretting something good that you did is the negative side of regret).

I don't think you did anything bad but we always wish that we could have done something or could do something to make someone's life better or happier. I think its good to be gentle to yourself. I once regretted not returning a letter my aunt wrote me when I was like twelve. She died and I wrote her back when I was 30!

Anyhow thats what I thought of and wondered if you had wished you had gotten your dad to talk to Lee. So I think its good if you wish something good just be careful not to get stuck on it and to let it go when you must.

Take care!

just a note

at that age, banging heads against walls and slapping himself is not normal behavior for a 2 year old. at that age, most things you taught him wont survace yet, so i'm afraid that i would think it to be a mental disorder. It sounds a lot like autism (or however you spell it)

on your ex's mother, i dont know, is there a law saying you have to visit or she has to visit you? ("so your daughter in law doesnt like you and doesnt want you to visit... and what do you think we should do about that?" , i can see that going to court) if she isnt a legal guardian, she's got no legal position usualy. if you have a troubled past, you'll usualy have a councilor, who'll defend you too.

it's not my place, and not nice, but seeing your post... if you use drugs (and alcohol is a drug) during pregnancy, that's very likely to cause damage to an unborn child

Oskatat, thanks for your note.... i have talked to a docter about him, found out my son had a double ear infection, the doctor said that depending on when the infection started, it could be related to that (my son is like me, pain doesnt bother and doesnt show pain/hurt until it is really hurting... he had sliced his pinky toe open and it didnt bother him that much at all) and that everything that has happened this year, with the getting settled into new place, dealing with the ex's mom rampant behavior, my dad passing, and so forth, could be catching up as he showed no behavior changes that you would typically see during very stessful times and situations.

the thing with my ex's mom, untill i have my paperwork completed for full legal custody, i usually play to her whim, as i really dont want to deal with her and court... she is a lier, manipulator... and works for the state doing stuff with youth. i dont trust her one bit.

sparky_kat, I hope things are getting better for you.

From what I've heard, some toddlers bang their heads when they have an ear infection (or a toothache or something similar), so maybe that's the reason why your child was doing it. I guess that's what you meant when you said your doctor thought it might be related.

You might have gotten whiplash from that fender-bender. Most people don't realize how much force is involved in a car wreck and they don't realize what happens to their bodies when they're in one. I'm glad you're recovering nicely.

If your mother-in-law is the type of person I think she is (based on your description and my experience with similar people), you need to be careful around her. Is she a goody-two-shoes who thinks it's her job to keep everyone else in line? If so, then she could indeed be scheming behind your back and trying to find a way to get you in some kind of trouble. Typically, it involves setting you up in a way that "gives you enough rope to hang yourself", so to speak, so that when you make a mistake, you will "prove" that she was "right" about you. The best way to deal with people like that is to be very nice to their face and not be confrontational. Any time she criticizes you, be nice and blow her off with a remark like, "Oh, it's so nice of you to be concerned, but really, it's alright." Any time she says she's worried about something, be nice and blow her off with a remark like, "Oh, it's really nothing to worry about. It will be okay." That's all you really need to say to her. She can't find as much fault with you if you're nothing but nice to her. Don't give her any ammunition she can use against you. If you want to go a little farther, if you can manage to convince her that you worship the ground she walks on, she will take your side and fight to the death for you. I know that type of person, and a little butt-kissing works wonders with them. I'm certain it's the safest course of action since they can be dangerous when provoked.

Sparky Kat,
good to see you posting again. Hang in there... you are a strong person

I think Von Dondu just gave you some excellent advice. My partner's mother is very similar to the person being described here.
Frankly put...she is an abrasive, bitter, manipulative bitch. And yes, I would sometimes dearly love to tell her to place her sanctimonious "concerns" where the sun don't shine...
But, I have refrained, and not for my partner's sake either (he'd like to say much the thing thing to her). Rather, if I am nice to the woman, I deprive her of significant ammunition. And she knows this as well, because there are times she will say things that are very clearly designed to provoke. It is quite amusing sometimes.... over the course of a conversation she'll do everything possible to trigger my ire, but I won't rise to the bait, and I can detect over the phone (she lives on the other side of the country thankfully) her increasing frustration at her inability to stir my temper

Heya beautiful, glad to have you back.

sparky_kat wrote: I have been spending more time with my son, as he has been starting to show behavior issues. i am hoping it is just a terrible 2's stage and being frustrated on not being able to fully express his words. He has been starting to do self inflicted tantrums, like slapping his head/face and banging his head against things.

Hello Sparky! Tell me a little more about your son. I should mention first, that head-banging is actually a lot more common than people think and it's not necessarily a sign of anything special at all. Most kids who head-bang and have temper tantrums cease with this behaviour as they grow older and then they develop completely normally. However, head-banging and other self-harming behaviours can be cause for concern, so kids doing it should be monitored.

Exactly how old is your son? At what age did the head-banging start? In what type of situations does it occur? How often? Is it when he's having a tantrum? When he is generally upset? Stressed? Tired? Sad? Frustrated over something? Any special time of the day? Place? Or does it seem more random? Does he bang his head so hard so he actually risks injuring himself?
What about the self-slapping? Does it occur in the same kind of situations? Does he show any other self-injury behaviour?
What about the rest of his behaviour and development? How is he sleeping? Eating? Playing? Moving around? What about language development and social interaction with you and with other people? Is he in daycare? If so, do you know anything about how he behaves there?

When parents first discover their child is banging its head into walls or the floor, they first thought is usually: autism. It is true that children with autism spectrum conditions and other neuropsychiatric disorders display more self-harming behaviours than other kids, but still the large majority of kids who have tantrums and bang their heads, are normal and healthy. There are a thousand different reasons why a child may bang its head. Like mentioned by VonDondu, it can be due to pain, like ear infections and teething. Some kids bang their heads and show other seemingly disruptive behaviours when they are overwhelmed with emotions and cannot contain and cope with inner states or outer stimulus. It can be a reaction on stress, anger, frustration, sadness and overstimulation, but some kids actually do it when understimulated and/or tired - probably as a means to regulate the arousal level.

Something that every toddler will notice very quickly, is that head-banging will catch the attention of the parents immediately. A lot of parents unwillingly reinforce self-harming behaviour like head-banging, self-slapping, self-biting, attacks on others etc because it is impossible not to react on such obviously destructive behaviours. The problem is that any form of attention, also negative attention, tend to reinforce the behaviour. The child learns that when I do this, I get immediate attention, an immediate and often strong, response from the adult world. Thus, in order to stop the vicious cycle of reinforcement, parents need to start behaving in a non-reinforcing way which is to ignore the behaviours completely. Look the other way, continue doing what you were doing, just make sure he doesn't hurt himself and let him go on with his head-banging. In this situation, it is common that the child will increase his efforts to get a response, and then it is extremely important to continue to ignore his behaviour. Otherwise he will just learn that prolonged and intensified banging is rewarding! If he behaviour is so violent so he actually risks hurting himself, destroy things he's not allowed to destroy or hurt others, then ignoring is of course impossible. If that's the situation, you should instead hold him tight, just to prevent him from harmful movements, but you should not console or talk to him (because that is reinforcing behaviours). Just silently take him and hold him in a firm grasp from behind, with no talking and no eye contact, until he calms down. Don't look at him and have a neutral face expression. Act calmly but firmly.

Try this for a couple of months, and be very, very consequent. You should notice some change during this time period. If not, it might be a good idea to see a pediatrician or child psychiatrist for further investigation.