So, has the judge judged something interesting lately? Or has he just been dishonorable...eh, sorry about that
Dragon Wench's Home for the Depraved
I always behave
So, has the judge judged something interesting lately? Or has he just been dishonorable...eh, sorry about that
So, has the judge judged something interesting lately? Or has he just been dishonorable...eh, sorry about that
"There are in fact two things, science and opinion; the former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance." - Hippocrates
Moderator of Planescape: Torment, Diablo I & II and Dungeon Siege forums
Sitting up late at night
I tiptoe through the darkness
Cold as hell black as spades
Aware of my immediate surrounding
In my place I escape
Up into my hideout
Hiding from everyone
My friends all say
Darkpoet your mental any way hey
Drift into a deeper state
I stalk the cobwebbed stairways
Dirt grits beneath my feet
The stair creaks, I precariously sneak
Hypnosis guides my hand
I slipslide through the walkways
Sit in granny's rockin' chair
Memories are whirling by yeah
Reminisce in the attic
Lucretia waits impatiently
Cobwebs make me squint
The cobra so eloquently glints
Moonbeams surge through the sky
The crystal ball's energized
Surely that like the cat waiting
Lucretia rocks away
I tiptoe through the darkness
Cold as hell black as spades
Aware of my immediate surrounding
In my place I escape
Up into my hideout
Hiding from everyone
My friends all say
Darkpoet your mental any way hey
Drift into a deeper state
I stalk the cobwebbed stairways
Dirt grits beneath my feet
The stair creaks, I precariously sneak
Hypnosis guides my hand
I slipslide through the walkways
Sit in granny's rockin' chair
Memories are whirling by yeah
Reminisce in the attic
Lucretia waits impatiently
Cobwebs make me squint
The cobra so eloquently glints
Moonbeams surge through the sky
The crystal ball's energized
Surely that like the cat waiting
Lucretia rocks away
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he
announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How
much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already
weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly
says, "Had him circumcised."
announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How
much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already
weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly
says, "Had him circumcised."
A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a
severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his
skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that
touched him caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenious
feedings of water and electolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra. "What
good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired. The
doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of him."
severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his
skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that
touched him caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenious
feedings of water and electolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra. "What
good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired. The
doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of him."
Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
-
dragon wench
- Posts: 19609
- Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2001 10:00 pm
- Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
- Contact:
@DP, LOL! I was actually briefly in Texas while en route to Belize......Not to go by stereotypes or anthing but..........
It also occurred to me, there are all kinds of jokes around about Scots/Australians and sheep. Now why is it that there are no similar jokes about Texans and cattle?
It also occurred to me, there are all kinds of jokes around about Scots/Australians and sheep. Now why is it that there are no similar jokes about Texans and cattle?
Spoiler
testingtest12
Spoiler
testingtest12
-
dragon wench
- Posts: 19609
- Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2001 10:00 pm
- Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
- Contact:
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply."So I can't order a
half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt
close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the
cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After
the
girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" and looked it
all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she
said
to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my
mind, I
don't think I'll buy that today". She said OK" and I paid her for the things
and
left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling
it out very quickly. When inquired
as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they
kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some
help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
distant
convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries; it's a long walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What
do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole
thing generally looked like an extra in the movie "Twister". I asked the
manager
what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and
then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUMMIES AT WORK
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUMMIES & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large
bank. Employees in the field call
him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call
from a
woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke
coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUMMIES ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next
day
would be the shortest day of the
year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I
explained
to her that the amount of daylight
changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very
disappointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply."So I can't order a
half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt
close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the
cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After
the
girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" and looked it
all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she
said
to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my
mind, I
don't think I'll buy that today". She said OK" and I paid her for the things
and
left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling
it out very quickly. When inquired
as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they
kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some
help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
distant
convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries; it's a long walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What
do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole
thing generally looked like an extra in the movie "Twister". I asked the
manager
what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and
then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUMMIES AT WORK
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUMMIES & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large
bank. Employees in the field call
him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call
from a
woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke
coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUMMIES ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next
day
would be the shortest day of the
year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I
explained
to her that the amount of daylight
changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very
disappointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
A blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken
into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the
accelerator!" she cries.
The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says.
"She got in the back seat by mistake."
into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the
accelerator!" she cries.
The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says.
"She got in the back seat by mistake."
-
dragon wench
- Posts: 19609
- Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2001 10:00 pm
- Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
- Contact:
-
dragon wench
- Posts: 19609
- Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2001 10:00 pm
- Location: The maelstrom where chaos merges with lucidity
- Contact:
-
fable
- Posts: 30676
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2001 12:00 pm
- Location: The sun, the moon, and the stars.
- Contact:
You do know that there really have been calls to computer support desks in the past about "disks that can't be removed from their wrappers"--said wrappers being the standard cover around old floppies?
Ah, Judge DP. I thought I smelt something corrupt when I entered the establishment. It must be the rat attached to your leash. You do realize we have an ordinance against bringing pets into restaurants? :wonders whether he should make a citizen's arrest:
Ah, Judge DP. I thought I smelt something corrupt when I entered the establishment. It must be the rat attached to your leash. You do realize we have an ordinance against bringing pets into restaurants? :wonders whether he should make a citizen's arrest:
To the Righteous belong the fruits of violent victory. The rest of us will have to settle for warm friends, warm lovers, and a wink from a quietly supportive universe.