Found this one, not too bad:
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.
Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The
doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real jerk, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week
and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on
the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all
of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be free." So the doc takes a few minutes to
think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some movies flicks and munch on Cheetos.
The Ultimate poll: Chrisys object of desire
LOL
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me
show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and
library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock
runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living
person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands
are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use
it as a fan."
show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and
library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock
runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living
person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands
are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use
it as a fan."
Then darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time
A man's drilling a hole in the ice to ice fish. As he's drilling, he hears this booming voice..
"You can't fish here..."
The man looks around, and shrugs it off. He goes to a new spot, and commences drilling.
Again, he hears the voice...
"You can't fish here..."
So, now he's getting a little unnerved, and goes to a third spot, and begins to drill. He hears the voice again...
"You can't fish here..."
The man looks around, and seeing no one asks..
"Are you God?"
The voice replies...
"No..."
"Then why can't I fish here?"
"Because this is a hockey rink"
Corny, but classic
------------------
Be merry, be happy, and have a nice day!
"You can't fish here..."
The man looks around, and shrugs it off. He goes to a new spot, and commences drilling.
Again, he hears the voice...
"You can't fish here..."
So, now he's getting a little unnerved, and goes to a third spot, and begins to drill. He hears the voice again...
"You can't fish here..."
The man looks around, and seeing no one asks..
"Are you God?"
The voice replies...
"No..."
"Then why can't I fish here?"
"Because this is a hockey rink"
Corny, but classic
------------------
Be merry, be happy, and have a nice day!
A little joke:
An 85 year old man is at the doc's having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how
he's feeling.
"Never better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment,then says, "Well, let me tell you a story...
I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of
a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in
front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle.
*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that
beaver."
"Exactly!"....
An 85 year old man is at the doc's having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how
he's feeling.
"Never better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment,then says, "Well, let me tell you a story...
I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of
a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in
front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle.
*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that
beaver."
"Exactly!"....
Proud member of the British Commonwealth
Melosh-tar... some good, some bad. Does that mean good for you and bad for Waverly by any chance? 
But I'm in for stories.. put it somewhere so the crowd can read it.
Waverly: You will be so terribly lonely on that island... poor sod... In a few days you'll NEED to spam, just to have someone to talk to. And your old friends will be waiting (Ubik and Gruntboy and Weasel and all the others... I'd go call a mental hospital before it's too late hon) for you.
Can I still come to your island? Or am I a sick pervert now too...
(pervert has such a male sound to it...)
But I'm in for stories.. put it somewhere so the crowd can read it.
Waverly: You will be so terribly lonely on that island... poor sod... In a few days you'll NEED to spam, just to have someone to talk to. And your old friends will be waiting (Ubik and Gruntboy and Weasel and all the others... I'd go call a mental hospital before it's too late hon) for you.
Can I still come to your island? Or am I a sick pervert now too...
(pervert has such a male sound to it...)