Dwarven throwers (subject-related spam, only)

Dimensional · Post by **Dimensional** » Thu Apr 19, 2001 12:07 am

This is all well and good, and while the use of flying migets in land and naval battles is well documented. with arguments about dwarves over halflings flying here and there like demented migets there is one area which has been sadly neglected.

That is right i am talking moget throwers for the lone adventurer. while dwarvesand halflings are perfect for breaking those deadlocked battles, lets face it who apart from ogres and giants are capable of carrying around a catapult and a bag of dwarves for an occasiional encounter. That is why i must bring you attention to a new item on the market-
Dr. Marhenilsh's rapid repeating giberling launcher.
This Backpack size shoulder mounted clockwork catapult fresh from the laboratories of That great gnome of invention Dr. Marhenilish is teh perfect accesory for todays loners boasting a rapid rate of fire and cages for up to three gibberlings this death dealer is light enough for many enthusiastic throwers out there to carry around with them. Never aagin be caught without your catapult! Be ready for all thoughs supprise throwing competions. Contact Dr. Marhenilish today with your order.

Be the envy of your friends the scourge of your enemies.

Craig · Post by **Craig** » Thu Apr 19, 2001 5:15 am

Halflings like Genilia are known to throw goblins!

Craig · Post by **Craig** » Thu Apr 19, 2001 12:40 pm

and play tennis but games can be ended by an sweord the wrong way aroud

Dúnadan · Post by **Dúnadan** » Fri Apr 20, 2001 3:50 pm

*Poke*

cheesemage · Post by **cheesemage** » Fri Apr 20, 2001 6:24 pm

*nudge*

The Outsider · Post by **The Outsider** » Fri Apr 20, 2001 7:44 pm

To Doctor Marhenlish:

I have used your gibberling launcher in the past, and been disappointed. Not in the functioning of the machine itself (the beveled flange on the auxillary widget is a masterstroke), but in the entailed effects of using gibberlings as ammunition.

Simply put, gibberlings are filthy little creatures. Even if you take the time to soak each of them individually in a bath (which requires stuffing dirt in the ears of the others, so that the screams of cleansing are unheard), gibberlings will not stay clean for very long.

There have been times, where a squad of gibberling-hurlers (while your launcher is billed as being suitable for the amateur alternative-ammunition accessorising adventurer, testing by squad leads to more complete testing of the weapon) has had all of their launchers break within moments of each other. The problems generally fall into two categories:

1. Gibberlings leaving filth in the crank. This jams the loading device. Upon attempting to fire, a demoralizing "fft" is heard instead. Then the gibberlings bite your armor.

2. Gibberlings leaving filth in the launching mechanism. This is the more extreme muck-induced malfunction, and can result in terminal blowback.

Attempts have been made to stuff the problematic orifices of the gibberlings with rags etc.- brief visions of flaming gibberling launchers were entertained, but then made a mess on the carpet.

Another problem with gibberlings is that, no matter how much you gag them or condition them to silence, they will still generally squeal / whine / whinge / sputter at the most inappropriate moment (which brought to discussion a novel theory, that gibberlings are more intelligent than we give them credit for- this notion was quickly defeated). I need not tell you, sir, how devastating the revelation of one's position can be, ESPECIALLY as a lone dungeon-crawler.

However, I have had much success in retooling your launcher to fit kobolds. The slightly larger-caliber ammunition is bulkier, true, but just as available, and more damaging. Kobolds have pointy ears, which can in fact be customized with razorblades for additional piercing damage.

In conclusion, congratulations on your device, but consider a different application for it.

Dúnadan · Post by **Dúnadan** » Thu Apr 26, 2001 5:50 pm

Sweet mercifull knackers! i'm gone for two days and this thread is on the FOURTH page!! What's the world coming to?!?

cheesemage · Post by **cheesemage** » Thu Apr 26, 2001 5:53 pm

i am glad that someone found this topic i was looking for it because i noticed its abscence
thanks dundan

Craig · Post by **Craig** » Fri Apr 27, 2001 10:57 am

his brings up the question what do draves,gnomes and halflings throw ?

koz-ivan · Post by **koz-ivan** » Fri Apr 27, 2001 12:49 pm

goblins

Craig · Post by **Craig** » Fri Apr 27, 2001 1:08 pm

i thought so but i hered there hard to light.and (cant rember)petrify them firstno dirt it stuck to them

koz-ivan · Post by **koz-ivan** » Fri Apr 27, 2001 1:29 pm

they'll light just fine, the real problem is they are inaccurate. whereas the dwarf is stocky, the gobling is rather spindly and does not have the mass, making the projectile vulnerable to wind. this problem is easily rectified by putting a few goblins in a net or sack.

Vroom · Post by **Vroom** » Fri Apr 27, 2001 5:41 pm

Ok, I have just come home from an evening with some friends of mine at our favourite pub. One of them plays BG2 as well, and somehow, we ended up talking about this dwarven thrower thing...
We both have no experience doing any BG editing, so this might be nonsense...

Wouldn't it be possible to actually *make* a dwarven thrower? It could be created like any other edited item - say, like a dart with different graphics that explodes on impact. To my understanding, the hardest thing would be to change the graphics. (Manveru, are you listening?)

Or would this de-mystify the whole affair?

[edit] I would be willing to help with the graphics [/edit]

[ 04-27-2001: Message edited by: Vroom ]

fable · Post by **fable** » Fri Apr 27, 2001 5:55 pm

Wouldn't it be possible to actually *make* a dwarven thrower? It could be created like any other edited item - say, like a dart with different graphics that explodes on impact. To my understanding, the hardest thing would be to change the graphics. (Manveru, are you listening?)

It takes many, many long years to perfect a dwarven thrower. The dwarf has to go through a great deal of training, beginning (at a very young age) with running, head-on, repeatedly, into solid walls. They have to be willing to be thrown off small cliffs, and to be flung, swung around, and battered to little purpose.

Then, after some 50 years or more of training, the dwarven thrower is ready to be tested. They are called before a select committee of elderly dwarves known as the Chasarii, or Those Who Have Been Thrown, or, in the venacular, Been There, Done That. They are placed in a giant catapult, and shot off in a random direction.

If the dwarf survives, they become a thrower. If they survive and damage an elf or gnome in the process, it is considered good luck, and they are thenceforth allowed to wear a small bronze medal and carry a special amethyst decoder ring. But if they die, the dwarven thrower wannabe is gathered from a variety of places and shoveled into a great tomb, where his or her predecessors lie, their spirit commended to the gods of all dwarves, everywhere.

For truly, dwarven throwers cannot be made. They can only be born.

Vroom · Post by **Vroom** » Fri Apr 27, 2001 6:17 pm

Hm... obviously, it was nonsense.

Vroom · Post by **Vroom** » Fri Apr 27, 2001 6:30 pm

The dwarf has to go through a great deal of training, beginning (at a very young age) with running, head-on, repeatedly, into solid walls. They have to be willing to be thrown off small cliffs, and to be flung, swung around, and battered to little purpose.

Excuse me, Sir. IIRC, dwarves come of age at around 50. Are we talking underage dwarf-abuse here!?
Please don't tell me a dwarf of 20 years knows what he is doing to his head with this kinda exercise - and if he keeps exercising the way you just described, he probably never will...

I think I have to report this to the Federal Bureau Of Underage Dwarf Abuse as well as to the FPDW (Foundation for the Protection of the Dimwitted).

[edit] edited poor spelling [/edit]

[ 04-27-2001: Message edited by: Vroom ]

fable · Post by **fable** » Fri Apr 27, 2001 7:21 pm

Excuse me, Sir. IIRC, dwarves come of age at around 50. Are we talking underage dwarf-abuse here!?

No, Vroom, but I appreciate your concern for the welfare of all races, or at any rate, those who can play a good hand of gin rummy. I was referring to dwarves between the ages of 85 and 125, which is typically regarded as the "recruiting age" for dwarven throwers. By that time, they've reached their mental and physical maturity, in both aspects far surpassing that of any Canadian ice hockey player you might care to name.

As such, there is no problem with underage dwarven labor. I cannot say what goes on for sure in the hiring practices of those leggy elven waitresses who show up in casinos, but I can assure you that the dwarves, renowned for their sense of responsibility, take bashing the heads of their young with great seriousness.

[ 04-28-2001: Message edited by: fable ]

fable · Post by **fable** » Sat Apr 28, 2001 7:32 pm

bump!

cheesemage · Post by **cheesemage** » Sat Apr 28, 2001 7:42 pm

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fable · Post by **fable** » Mon Apr 30, 2001 2:09 pm

This topic has been bumped by a thrown gnome.