First, we kill all the lawyers

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 2:11 pm

A friend of mine just sent me these--

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They have pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them would you go to lunch or read your newspaper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands were not met.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? They are both extinct.

What do you say about 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A round of Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

What's red and black and looks really good on a lawyer's neck? A
Doberman.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops screwing you after you are dead.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a
blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Where can you find a good lawyer? The nearest cemetery.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

Dottie · Post by **Dottie** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 2:28 pm

I dont mock lawyers, Its like kicking a tied up child.

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 2:40 pm

LOL Fable

I think I'll hang around here til Astafas sees this thread

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 2:40 pm

Originally posted by Dottie
I dont mock lawyers, Its like kicking a tied up child.

A tied-up child of thirty with one hand in your pocket and the other around your throat, you mean.

Dottie · Post by **Dottie** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 2:49 pm

Originally posted by fable

A tied-up child of thirty with one hand in your pocket and the other around your throat, you mean.

There is perhaps a point in that allegory too, but on this forum I should be quiet safe.

Witch King · Post by **Witch King** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 5:03 pm

I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE

Why is it we discuss taking people's feelings into consideration all the time on this site, and then say that it really only applies to certain groups thorugh our actions??! What is it that gives you the right to attack lawyers, one of the oldest, most respected professions in the world? The fact that it has been cliched to death notwithstanding, it is inappropriate, malodorous and aimed not at amusment, but inflicting pain. BOTH of my parents were lawyers, and my GRANDFATHER was a lawyer, I'm deeply offended on their behalf-. My parents and I have been very close, and to hear you people insult their life's work is like nailing coffin nails into their respectability and reputation, degrading their lives and thereby, mine. My grandfather is dead ( a good start as some of YOU might say), and here you are, staining his resposeful hereafter with this kind of thoughtless talk. My son is in law school, shall I tell him he's wasting his life? His girlfriend is cheating on him with a lawyer from a firm downtown here, is she one of the lucky one's who gets to screw a lawyer as opposed to the other way around??

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 6:05 pm

Originally posted by Witch King
BOTH of my parents were lawyers, and my GRANDFATHER was a lawyer, I'm deeply offended on their behalf-. My parents and I have been very close, and to hear you people insult their life's work is like nailing coffin nails into their respectability and reputation, degrading their lives and thereby, mine. My grandfather is dead ( a good start as some of YOU might say), and here you are, staining his resposeful hereafter with this kind of thoughtless talk. My son is in law school, shall I tell him he's wasting his life? His girlfriend is cheating on him with a lawyer from a firm downtown here, is she one of the lucky one's who gets to screw a lawyer as opposed to the other way around??

@Foul, are you completely serious, here, jerking our chains, or using facts to build a tirade a la Racine?

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 6:39 pm

@Foul: You have points about emotions, and stuff like that, but also, you gotta understand Fable was just kidding around. Their is adifference between joking, and seriousness, and I'm sure Fable, much less anyone else in SYM, truly thinks of all lawyers that way.

Weasel · Post by **Weasel** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 7:37 pm

Come into my web!

Originally posted by fable

@Foul, are you completely serious, here, jerking our chains, or using facts to build a tirade a la Racine?

Foul being serious?

I very well doupt this, more like putting out bait to catch the unwise.

First to be caught....

>>>>>What was that Aegis?

<<<<<

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 8:00 pm

Well, he did post that he was "being sillly, in my way" over in another thread, referring his comments over here. I suspect that any lawyer would just smirk at the remarks. After all, you have to have a very thick skin to be in law. That, and long, pointy teeth, large claws, beady eyes...

humanflyz · Post by **humanflyz** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 9:14 pm

This thread made me think about some of the things that people just like to make fun of. Lawyer is an example, another is Canada. Now, what I don't understand is why we hate lawyers and why we like to make fun of the Canadians?

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 10:11 pm

Originally posted by humanflyz
This thread made me think about some of the things that people just like to make fun of. Lawyer is an example, another is Canada. Now, what I don't understand is why we hate lawyers and why we like to make fun of the Canadians?

I think it is just envy

Alienbob · Post by **Alienbob** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 10:21 pm

Originally posted by dragon wench

I think it is just envy

oh yeah thats it, for sure.

i mean deep down inside i really have a bruning desire to be a canadian.

fable · Post by **fable** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 10:23 pm

Lawyers have always been perceived as getting very wealthy from "making the worse case look like the better." This same attitude existed as far back as Ancient Rome. The fact that many lawyers have also taken their wealth and successfully entered politics hasn't escaped public notice over time, either.

Morlock · Post by **Morlock** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 10:37 pm

@Fable- I've heard most of them before, but they're still funny.

@Foul: If you are serious- I also have relatives who are lawyers.
In fact, one of the greatest people I've ever known was Howard Squadron- a respected New York Lawyer who passed away a few months ago from cancer. To tell you how respected he was- former mayor of NYC-Dinkins was a close friiend, who spoke at the ceremony. Among his other clients and friends were Rupert Murdoch and News Corp. I was actualy glad he passed away when he did- he was nearly a vegetable, and about a month after his passing his firm was sold.
In short- I didn't take the jokes as serious, just as jokes about the classic image of lawyers.

crazymancometh · Post by **crazymancometh** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 10:47 pm

In america if you lie in court it's perjury..unless your a defense lawyer for Orenthal...then you can lie over and over bout ones innocence...And Canadians are just easy.

Baldursgate Fan · Post by **Baldursgate Fan** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 10:48 pm

Originally posted by fable
Lawyers have always been perceived as getting very wealthy from "making the worse case look like the better." This same attitude existed as far back as Ancient Rome. The fact that many lawyers have also taken their wealth and successfully entered politics hasn't escaped public notice over time, either.

I don't know, Fable, I try not to get into the same stuffy room filled with noisy, gluttonous animals with their paws and snouts in troughs; that's why I don't stand for parliament.

I was a litigation lawyer before being lured over to the darkside, ie corporate world. What I have seen so far in my local context is that lawyers don't make that much money (as compared with doctors, accountants, politicians and the like) apart from being conferred a partneship. Quite a far cry from what the legal eagles make in the States. As an example, I read with interest the ongoing Hewlett vs HP case and can only imagine how much the lawyers from both sides are getting paid by the hour.

"Gulliver's Travels" by Jonathan Swift is a thinly veiled satire on politicians and lawyers and I suppose the perception of the latter "making the worse case look like the better" hasn't changed much since then. This point is debatable, of course, (hey, with us lawyers, any point is!).

Be that as it may, though there may be few and far between, there are still lawyers with a heart who don't take the "wealthy route" to success.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Tue Apr 23, 2002 11:51 pm

Originally posted by Alienbob

oh yeah thats it, for sure. i mean deep down inside i really have a bruning desire to be a canadian.

That is because in Canada it is less likely you would be hunted down and experimented on by NASA

@Fable, sorry for the spam

fable · Post by **fable** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 6:25 am

Be that as it may, though there may be few and far between, there are still lawyers with a heart who don't take the "wealthy route" to success.

Oh, definitely. And it's trial lawyers, corporate lawyers (no offense meant) and ambulance chasers who give the profession a bad rep. I've personal friends who are lawyers in the field of social welfare, and public defendants hardly can afford alabaster fountains for their houses that gush claret.

But in a nation that pays actors more to mouth lines in a year than it pays teachers in a lifetime, what is one to expect?

You mention physicians. They come in for an equal share of abuse through history, but generally tend to stay outside politics, which is a point in their favor.

And as my wife (an RN whose license goes back about 25 years) points out, the days of millionaire doctors who make a figurative killing out of a medical practice rather than standard investments are gone. It's no longer possible to milk and bilk Medicaire. Government guidelines are too strict. The AMA lobby has tried repeatedly to get those overturned in the US congress, but with Americans showing increasing awareness of health care costs, they've failed.

That this view of lawyers is ancient can be seen by the following little collection I've made over the past day (and there are many more, but these are the most fun examples):

"The Devil makes his Christmas pie of lawyer's tongues." -16th century English proverb

"God has not given laws to make out of right wrong, and out of wrong right, as the unChristianlike lawyers do, who study law only for the sake of gain and profit." -Martin Luther, Table-Talk, 1569

"A man may as well open an oyster without a knife as a lawyer's mouth without a fee." -Barten Holyday, 1618

"What's the first excellence in a lawyer? Tautology. What's the second? Tautology. What's the third? Tautology." -Richard Steele, 1701

God works wonders now and then;
Behold! -A lawyer, an honest man." -Ben Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac, 1733

"A man without money needs no more fear a crowd of lawyers than a crowd of pickpockets." -William Wycherley, The Plain Dealer (funny play, btw), 1674

Astafas · Post by **Astafas** » Wed Apr 24, 2002 7:14 am

Originally posted by C Elegans
LOL Fable I think I'll hang around here til Astafas sees this thread

I have arrived, beautiful one.

Tremble before my wrath, mortals - I'll suck your blood and take your money!