Depression

AntiChrist · Post by **AntiChrist** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 6:34 pm

I'm so depressed. My girlfriend broke up with me like 4 weeks ago and I'm still not over her. I go to places we hung out and sit there not even able to think about anything except her. And she doesn't even seem to care. I hate my school and I actually dread waking up in the mornings because I know I have to go there. It's a Christian school, and the more I hear about the religion, the more depressed I get. I hate where I live so that even when I'm out of school I'm not much happier. I hate everyone around me. I have one very good friend and my girlfriend was my other, but that's over. My other friend moved. Everyone else is shallow and stupid and I can't stand the fakeness around me when people try to please other people by throwing who they are away. I lack motivation for everything. My grades mainly. I suppose I get fairly good ones (high B), but I know I could do better but I just don't care. And there's no hope in sight. I get to go to college (hopefully) after this last year of high school, which seems promising but I've talked to so many people from college that feel the same way I do that I don't know if it's going to get better. Is this what life is about?

Tybaltus · Post by **Tybaltus** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 7:08 pm

Originally posted by AntiChrist
Is this what life is about?

Well Ive learned via my own experience that life is one giant endurance run. There will be plenty more worse things to come out of life than better things, but the good things are what makes it worth it. I also think that God has placed obstacles in front of me and is constantly testing my persistance and endurance and what not. I feel I sometimes have to prove myself to God and myself. Good things come and go. And when they go, bad things become clearer, because its the good things that distract us from all the bad things. When there isnt much too great, then theres not much to distract you. Also the loss of good things can also make one depressed. But thats life. It can be bad, it can be treacherous, it could be hurtful, but you just have to keep going.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 9:36 pm

I think it varies for everyone.... but for me...it was when I went to university that life suddenly got a whole lot better...

Hang in there....and try to remember that life always has at least as many valleys as it does peaks

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 9:46 pm

I went through something similar a couple months ago (should be mentioned somewhere in the archives). The best advice I can offer is to confront it. Once I confronted the girl I was lamenting for, and we talked about it, I began feeling much better (granted, this is a slightly different situation, so confrontation will be somewhat different). On top of that, just immerse yourself in something you enjoy to do. For instance, I love to write, so when I was depressed (clinically for two months, and on meds) I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. Suffice to say, though, because of my depression I wrote some pretty sick stuff...

Anyway, my point is, is that your right. People are fake, life sucks, and each one of us is life's personally punching bag. The only way to enjoy life is to not care. Take it with a grain of salt, give life the finger, and get out and enjoy your last year of school.

PS. I also got to a Catholic school, yet I'm Secular Humanist. So, to get by, I have fun messing with the clergy...

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 9:47 pm

Depression can be a crushing weight which threatens every breath you take.
I am not qualified to address you on a professional level. I would suggest you seek help IRL.. Believe it or not, your parents may be a great place to start. We are also blessed to have CE among us here at SYM. I am sure she can give you some helpfull advice.

Having said that... It has been my personal experience, when overwhelming depression threatens my very existance, that there is truth in the saying "Fake it untill you make it" . Sometimes you have to will yourself to put one foot in front of the other, and get on with it. Force yourself to do things you should be enjoying. Seek out things that sound fun. Meet new people. Go through the motions. Then, when you least expect it, look up, and realize, life just got a little bit better, and the best is yet to come.

Well it works for me anyway... That and*HUGS*

Everclearules20 · Post by **Everclearules20** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 9:50 pm

Tool - The Patient

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.

Wait it out, keep faith, let time heal, and there will be rewards to reap, life just works that way.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 10:42 pm

Sometimes you have to will yourself to put one foot in front of the other, and get on with it. Force yourself to do things you should be enjoying. Seek out things that sound fun. Meet new people. Go through the motions. Then, when you least expect it, look up, and realize, life just got a little bit better, and the best is yet to come.

This is something I have noticed... there have been times when I have experienced depression...and when I have forced myself to get on with it....life does, after a while begin to slot into place. It is also important to be sure you keep a routine and something to focus on (other than your troubles).

There are a few threads here on the subject that you might also want to browse through...

http://www.gamebanshee.com/forums/showt ... depression

http://www.gamebanshee.com/forums/showt ... adid=18576

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 11:03 pm

@Scayde, DW:

I have found that the majority of life's challenges involve putting one foot in front of the other, often while under fire, to use a military term and concept. I think something dawned on me a few years ago, and it was a sobering yet encouraging thought: *we* have the ability to overcome anything. I have proved this to myself before, though this always comes at great personal cost. Yet this is what strengthens and deepens us, so it seems.

I discovered that love is not actually a series of emotions, as I was raised to believe; I found out it is something that is purposefully cultivated over time by putting one foot in front of the other. I have to make a conscious decision to make something work. If I relied on my emotions, I would probably be friendless, and quite possibly even imprisoned.

@AntiChrist:

This sounds to me like the one of many times in your life you will be deepened and strengthened by diversity. I wish, looking back, that I could have determined to make the most of those times. I think you should, too, and look at enduring the school you attend as one way of doing that. It would also make the way easier for you, I am sure.

I would also like to say that we all need to look closely at ourselves, and as we do we will find our understanding of others subtly changing for the better. Other people are like you: they have their burdens, and not all handle them the same way. Also, it helps to remember that not everyone has had the same enviromental factors as you have had, so they live and act differently than you do. I can guarantee you that most of the people you refer to are simply *not* aware of the things that you are noticing. It's ok - it helps to see that. Anger fades away when you realize that blindness is a condition that we *all* suffer from - you and me included, my friend.

Lintelyg · Post by **Lintelyg** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 11:08 pm

That seriously sucks man, but just remeber, there are a lot of ppl who are worse off. Like me. I'm just like you but worse. I've got one suicide attempt behind me. Be happy that you even had a girlfriend for a while. And if you can do it once, you can do it again. I've been wallowing in my depression for 2 years now. But every now and then things look up. But life sucks. Let's face it.

If you have friends who speak german have them translate this:
Das Leben ist wie eine Huehnerleiter
kurz und beschissen.

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 11:27 pm

Originally posted by Chanak
@Scayde, DW:

I discovered that love is not actually a series of emotions, as I was raised to believe; I found out it is something that is purposefully cultivated over time by putting one foot in front of the other. I have to make a conscious decision to make something work. If I relied on my emotions, I would probably be friendless, and quite possibly even imprisoned.

@ Chanak: Well Said...*Beer Toast*

@ DW: I see you've been there too

AntiChrist · Post by **AntiChrist** » Tue Sep 24, 2002 11:41 pm

Heh, all I do anymore is write. Every minute I have free I am writing or thinking. During boring classes, instead of doing my homework, anytime I can. I've got like 20 pages of writing about whatever comes to my mind. I don't write stories, it's just writing. A lot of questions, a lot of answers from my opinions. I've though of drawing, but I'm not artistic so no luck there lol. But I try to be happy. I just force myself, but it seems so hopeless. I've been slightly depressed for a long, long time, but the thought that it would get better made me feel much better. Now I don't have that thought, I've lost my hope because I have nothing to hope for. Before I went out with my former gf it was her I hoped for. It took me forever to get the courage up to ask her out and then it took even longer before she said yes, but I always had the hope. Now that's been shattered. So I don't know, I just feel lost. I don't even know why I post this, I guess I just need to talk. Me and my friend have these types of conversations a bit and it makes me feel better, but only to a point. And all of the stress adds up. I read some of those other posts and I feel like many of them, like it's not worth it. Like there's no point. One thing I read that Bloodstalker posted is,

"For example, I was engaged for 2 years to a woman. We got along fine, and everything was absolutly wonderful. I felt good, I felt like things were really coming together for me. I was just breaking into a good job, and I was in love with a woman who I thought was perfect for me. Then, after two years, she just turns off her emotions. She went back to her ex-boyfreind. She never gave me a reason, and acted like it was really no big deal. We broke up one day, and the next she was dating him. I found out that she had beend seeing him for a couple weeks before I knew about it. How did this happen? I found out from several friends that it was really quite simple, he just saw her out one day and asked her out.

I was devastated. I went through a stage of wondering what I had done, if it was my fault. I wondered if n fact I had been nothing more than something to occupy her time til they got back together. Less than 3 months later, I read in the paper that they were married."

(a bit much lol) This was like me and my gf. Not quite to the point of engagement, but I felt like it could of been. And then one day it was gone and she doesn't seem to care. I feel like nothing. But I'm pushing on. It's all I can do. Maybe it'll get better, maybe not. But what can I do?

thantor3 · Post by **thantor3** » Wed Sep 25, 2002 12:36 am

@AntiChrist: I was sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. It is very painful to be haunted by past memories as you walk through places you used to share with someone special. People say that time heals such things, but that hasn't always been my experience. A deep wound will often heal in time, but if the wound is not attentively and sensitively cared for, the scar can be crippling. I am sad to see you write about so much hate in your life. But then, perhaps writing is one way to purge such toxins… I do hope so.

From a professional standpoint, I would encourage you to think about separating grief from depression. We often speak about grief "recruiting" depression, but they are not the same thing. Depression at its most intense is a mood disorder that has a specific set of clinical criteria and has the potential to respond to certain therapeutic interventions. Grief, on the other hand, is a natural response to loss, just as anger is a natural response to violation. In my view, it is inappropriate to medicate grief (although I see it happen constantly) unless it begins to markedly interfere with quality of life over a prolonged period. As F. Scott Peck says, life is difficult. When you accept this, life becomes less so.

When you were a child, you had a limited ability to deal with pain. Hopefully, there were supportive adults around you to comfort you and teach you how to take care of yourself when you experienced this. I am fairly sure that you have learned to deal with pain in a much more sophisticated way then you did when you were a child. Likewise, perhaps at present you have a limited ability to deal with grief. As evidenced from the responses here, there are many others willing to share their experiences and wisdom in order to help you learn to take care of yourself in such a situation. A healthy adult understands that the experience of love engenders pain and loss. The person you love will either leave you, betray you, or die. That is a given, unless you leave, betray, or die first. In response to this, you can choose the path of despair and bitterness, cynically closing yourself off to the experience of love… or you can make a different choice. The Japanese have a term, mono-no-aware , that relates to the pure, emotional response to the beauty of nature, the impermanence of life, and the sorrow of death. I think of it in terms of a first kiss, an amazing sunset, or a perfect moment. All of these things are fleeting, yet we cherish them exactly because they are so. What I am speaking of is not resigned acceptance of the suffering of life, but an exaltation in the passion that arises because of it. I vividly remember watching a program that revolved around an exploration of the way September 11th change the way people felt about their faith, their relationship to God. It ended with a single voice, discussing an image of two people -- strangers -- force to jump to their death on that day, and how they did so… hand in hand. To me, this is mono-no-aware. This is the outpouring of the human spirit.

You asked, " Is this what life is about?" If you are referring to despair, hatred, and unrelenting pain -- no, that is not what life is about. Those things are about making a wrong turn. What is required at that point is to reach down inside yourself in order to find a place of humility where you can admit that this is so. As to what life is truly about, I regret that I have neither DW's grace and skill at writing, nor the wisdom that shines through the posting of the others here to answer that question. However, if you would like to begin to explore this, here is a good place to start. I recommend section 5A, "Love and the Goddess", since it speaks to your situation with your former girlfriend.

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Wed Sep 25, 2002 1:28 am

@ Thantor: You are a brilliant person, and speak like a professional in the field. Am I correct in this, or are you just this insightfull.?

@ mental_ nomad: Your story has touched me very deeply. I hope Antichrist may benefit from your experiences. I am sure it was very painful to relive them...

@Antichrist: BTW, I also highly endorse Cambell

Gruntboy · Post by **Gruntboy** » Wed Sep 25, 2002 1:51 am

Thisis heavy - its too soul crushing to go down this path antichrist.

Acknowledge it by all means. Get over this girl. Its easy for me to say it but maybe there's something better - more girls, writing, reading, friends, whatever. But you have to do it yourself - no oe will do it for you.

What's the point? I don't know, I keep going so I might find out some day. Maybe its kids, maybe its your partner, your family, your achievements. Maybe its nothing, I don't know. But try to find out for yourself and don't quit.

AntiChrist · Post by **AntiChrist** » Wed Sep 25, 2002 6:21 am

Song lyrics. I don't why but I find these help me, maybe just cause I know someone else feels the same, but they do.

Radio by Goldfinger

It's 9 O'Clock she's late for work
She hates her job, her boss is a jerk
Her boyfriend never lets her play
She thinks she's wasting life away
At 5 O'Clock she gets in her car
She's driving fast but never goes far
Parked on the freeway, slips in a rage
Time to ride the airwaves

Long live my radio it never lets me down,
Long live my radio give me sound

Nothin' to do nothin' to say
Just try to find another way
To a different world some other plane
Where I can be myself without going insane
This little place that we call life
Theres more to it than just pain and strife
Gotta find that somewhere in your brain
Gotta ride the airwaves

Long live my radio it never lets me down,
Long live my radio give me sound

Long live my radio please make it alright
Long live my radio tonight

And when the static's screamin' louder than your life
Just try to ride the waves in the air tonight
I make a dedication and try to get it right
So you can hear it on the airwaves
Airwaves

Long live my radio it never lets me down
Long live my radio tonight

Let's Go!

Long live my radio it never lets me down,
Long live my radio give me sound

Long live my radio make it alright
Long live my radio tonight

Tonight
Long live my radio tonight

Gruntboy · Post by **Gruntboy** » Wed Sep 25, 2002 6:33 am

Music, anything. Don't listen to anything too depressing though.

How about "Shiny Happy People" by REM

Yshania · Post by **Yshania** » Wed Sep 25, 2002 7:18 am

Some interesting thoughts here

I agree with the consensus that it is important to try to focus on more than your problems. Speaking from my own experience, depression is self-perpetuating, it is a rut. It is so easy to stay down, to remain negative, dismissive and pessimistic. It is easy to continue to blame what we believe to be the cause, and a lot of the time we also blame other people around us for lacking sympathy, or for not understanding...depression in a family affects more than the individual. Depression can be self-indulgant, open your eyes and look around you. The world goes on. You may feel isolated, but are you alienating yourself? The battle is finding the energy to get back up. Set yourself a small goal each day, something that is achievable, and promise yourself that you will be at least this productive. Your goal may be something as simple as getting dressed before mid afternoon

(been there

) but if you manage that, you have achieved something. You can eventually build on this, until one day you may look back and wonder why such trivial tasks were such a mountain to climb. Having just one moment of achievement each day can really help. Providing yourself with a focal point each day, however mundane, is the first step back up. Don't listen to the sad, bitter or angry songs that only serve to emphasize your mood, read a book instead, or write a poem or short story, paint a picture

Get it out and you are looking forward.

thantor3 · Post by **thantor3** » Wed Sep 25, 2002 8:32 am

@mental_nomad: my pleasure.

@ Scayde: Thank you for your kind words. I do counseling as part of my practice, though I am thinking I should do some advanced training with Ysh.