Your Favourite Jokes

BaronTx · Post by **BaronTx** » Mon Oct 07, 2002 6:01 pm

Aggie Jokes

How do you keep Aggies out of your yard? Put up goalposts

Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

Two Aggie builders were working on a house. One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"

An Aggie went riding, and everything was going fine until the horse suddenly started bouncing out of control. He tried to hang on, but with a foot caught in the stirrup, he fell off head-first. With his head bouncing up and down, the horse didn't even slow down. And just as the Aggie was giving up hope and losing consciousness, a Kmart employee came out and unplugged it.

An Aggie and his wife were walking through their pasture one day when they saw a bull getting after a cow. Feeling suddenly amorous, the Aggie told his wife that he would like to be doing the same. The wife looks at him and says "well go ahead honey, its your cow."

Tybaltus · Post by **Tybaltus** » Mon Oct 07, 2002 6:06 pm

@Baron Im.....sensing a trend in your jokes....could it be? YES! You dont like the Texas A&M Aggies very much, do you?

BaronTx · Post by **BaronTx** » Mon Oct 07, 2002 6:11 pm

I'd post them if they were about longhorns (T-sips). Its a well established past time down here to tell Aggie jokes. Some of the funniest I've heard were told to me by Aggie friends.

Tybaltus · Post by **Tybaltus** » Mon Oct 07, 2002 6:14 pm

Originally posted by BaronTx
I'd post them if they were about longhorns (T-sips). Its a well established past time down here to tell Aggie jokes. Some of the funniest I've heard were told to me by Aggie friends.

No. I know its all friendly jokes.

Just figured there was a rivalry there.

nael · Post by **nael** » Mon Oct 07, 2002 8:06 pm

I don't know any aggies that don't tell aggie jokes.
I guess it translates to most groups of people, they stick together and can laugh at themselves.

poor aggies though, I was listenign to the tech game over the internet. at least they produced an offense...too bad the wrecking crew forgot to show up.

BaronTx · Post by **BaronTx** » Mon Oct 07, 2002 8:12 pm

@ nael - I guess I'll have to edit my goalpost joke.

Tech has seemed to have A&M's number here lately

nael · Post by **nael** » Mon Oct 07, 2002 8:40 pm

very true...and very depressing.

as long as the beat t.u., that's all that matters

BaronTx · Post by **BaronTx** » Mon Oct 07, 2002 8:45 pm

@ nael - Ain't gonna happen. Not in Austin.

nael · Post by **nael** » Mon Oct 07, 2002 9:01 pm

hey, if OSU can almost beat them, the ags can do it!
i can't belive i am stuck up here in pittsburgh. this saturday, instead being able to see #2 vs #3, texas vs oklahoma, i'll be stuck watching penn state and michigan. not a bad game this week, but usually they force some really bad game down our throats just because it's local.

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Tue Oct 08, 2002 4:21 am

DAYVORCE ?

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
divorce
Attorney: "May I help you
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Thu Oct 10, 2002 11:49 am

@BEldin : LMAO Talk about those redneck accent

BaronTx · Post by **BaronTx** » Thu Oct 10, 2002 5:32 pm

@ KidD - You ought to try living amongst them, or better yet work ISP help desk in the South

Kameleon · Post by **Kameleon** » Thu Oct 10, 2002 5:33 pm

Re: DAYVORCE ?

Originally posted by Beldin
Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
divorce
Attorney: "May I help you
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

roflmfao

Lintelyg · Post by **Lintelyg** » Thu Oct 10, 2002 11:05 pm

I got 4 jokes for you:

1.Heres one only for ppl who speak german:
-Das leben ist wie eine Huehnerleiter, kurz und beschissen.
2.Heres one for the philippinos out there:
Q:Ano sa chinese ang ungoy? [What is monkey in Chinese? --- Mah]
A:Kamukamo [A corrupted form of Kamukha mo. which means looks like you. --- Mah]
3. Cancer cures smokers.
4. There are 3 kinds of ppl on this world, those that can count, and those that can't.

Maharlika · Post by **Maharlika** » Fri Oct 11, 2002 12:09 am

@Lintelyg

Since this forum is basically in English, it would be best appreciated if we refrain from using other languages without having to explain/translate them in English, most especially if they are in complete sentences and not just a word or two.

Let's give courtesy to others who haven't got a clue.

Okey ba, pare? (Is that okay, friend? - in Filipino)

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Fri Oct 11, 2002 10:28 am

Try these for your exams !

Here's lookin at you all students who's a member of SYM

Fun Things To Do On a Final That Does Not Matter

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the
deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Eat this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attache d notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

42. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

43. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

44. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. And burning some incense too !

45. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

46. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

47. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

48. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

Maharlika · Post by **Maharlika** » Sat Oct 12, 2002 9:53 pm

Just got this from a friend in the US...

Just received this from one of our Texan friends. Gee I thought all Texans loved "W". d

Subject: see memo

A British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, " That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put in in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone says, "you guys are way behind. We just took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half is preparing for war."

Well?

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sun Oct 13, 2002 8:46 am

LMAO there goes dubya definition

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Tue Oct 15, 2002 12:52 am

No comment....

...deeep in the heart of Texas....

Maharlika · Post by **Maharlika** » Thu Oct 17, 2002 6:17 am

From a teacher to a fellow teacher...

...check it out, AC.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to blieve these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you:

Better to be safe than...............punch a 5th grader.

Never underestimate the power of...........termites.

You can lead a horse to water but............how?

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new...............math.

If you lie down with dogs,........... you'll stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is..............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is.............................not much.

Two's company, three's...................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as...................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed................get new batteries.

You get out of something what you..........see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way.

And the favorite.....

Better late than............................pregnant.