Your Favourite Jokes

Eerhardt · Post by **Eerhardt** » Thu Nov 14, 2002 8:57 am

Booyah! Excellent link, mate - LMAO

!

Rob-hin · Post by **Rob-hin** » Thu Nov 14, 2002 10:27 am

There is this little turtle and he is climbing up a tree.
Finally, after 2 hours he is at the top.
Then he jumps and starts swinging his arms.
Nothing happends...
With a loud bang he hits the ground.

So, he starts climbing again till he's at the top.
Jumps and starts swinging his arms again.
Still nothing and he crashes into the ground again.

He's at this for hours. But it never works.

In the same tree are sitting 2 birds.
Says the one to the other:
"Honey, don't you think we should tell him that he's adopted?"

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 2:49 am

Last week in the White House....

....
____________________________________________
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the
new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China?
I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the
new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could
use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East!
Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.
Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.
And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in
the Middle East?
_________________________________________________

No worries,

Beldin

Beldin · Post by **Beldin** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 4:36 am

LISTING FRENZY Pt. 19 !!!

The Top Ten Rejected Star Wars Novels

10. Luke opens a ranch devoted to the fine art of motion picture effects, names it after himself
9. "The Courtship of Darth Vader"
8. The adventures of Han Solo's accountant brother Seymore
7. "The Complete Wookie Dictionary"
6. "Boba Fett: The Wacky Teen Years"
5. An entire book devoted to all the options Anakin Skywalker went through when designing scary Darth Vader costume
4. "Luke Who's Talking!!"
3. A three-volume set documenting the first official crossover with the beloved "Willow" universe
2. "Biggs Darklighter: The Man and His Music"
1. "The Big Pop-Up Book of Rancors"

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Thu Dec 19, 2002 7:38 am

COMPUTER GENESIS

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those He created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... and told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; and the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and Programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Centre; and God showed the Programmer the Directory Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a Creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God
said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Centre and locked the door and secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 10:39 am

ATMs oh ATMs

Instructions for using Drive-Through ATM machines:

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Insert card.
3. Enter PIN number.
4. Take cash, card and receipt.
5. Drive away.

HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Back up and forward to get closer.
3. Shut off engine.
4. Put keys in purse.
5. Get out of car because you're still too far = from machine.
6. Hunt for card in purse.
7. Insert card.
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN = written on it.
9. Enter PIN.
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit, "Cancel" button.
12. Re-enter correct PIN.
13. Check balance.
14. Look in purse for pen.
15. Look for envelope.
16. Make out deposit slip.
17. Endorse check.
18. Make deposit.
19. Study instructions.
20. Make cash withdrawal.
21. Get in car.
22. Check makeup.
23. Start pulling away.
24. Stop.
25. Back up to machine.
26. Get out of car.
27. Take card and receipt.
28. Get back in car.
29. Enter deposit and withdrawal in = checkbook.
30. Put car in reverse.
31. Put car in drive.
32. Drive 3 kilometres.
33. Release hand brake.

Kameleon · Post by **Kameleon** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 10:41 am

Re: ATMs oh ATMs

Originally posted by KidD01
33. Release hand brake.

LMAO

Now that is a fine list

Bloodmist · Post by **Bloodmist** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 10:41 am

ROFL KidD!!

AUSTIN POWER'S PICK UP LINES

1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
4. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
5. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
6. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
7. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
8. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
9. Are those real?
10. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
11. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
12. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
13. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
14. F @# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga ****bottom?
15. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
16. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
17. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
18. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
19. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
20. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
21. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth,I bet we could do it in public.
22. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
23. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
24. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:02 am

Viagra anyone ?

An Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100 rubles.
Man : "No, not worth it!"
Stranger : "OK, how about 50 rubles?"
Man : "No, not worth it!"
Stranger : "OK, 20?"
Man : "No, not worth it!"
Stranger : "How about 10?"
Man : "No, not worth it!"
Stranger : "Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
Man : "Oh, the pills are worth it, it's my wife that's not worth it."

Baldursgate Fan · Post by **Baldursgate Fan** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:18 am

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would let me bite your breasts for 10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm 10,000 dollars eh? Ok, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"

So they go to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and start caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them... but no biting.

In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah", he replies. "Too expensive"

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:21 am

Or.......Cookies anyone ?

An 87-year old man, on his death bed and in pain, smells the aroma of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies coming from outside his bedroom. He thinks to himself, "my dear wife must be making my favorite cookies as a sentiment to our final hours together." So he musters up what little strength he has remaining in his feeble body and drags himself out of bed.

Fighting off the pain and weakness, he stumbles into the hallway, down the stairs, and to the kitchen door. There, on the table, he sees a huge plate of chocolate chip cookies, the steam rising from
the plate, the chocolate chips still soft and gooey. He thinks, "God
bless my devoted wife for giving me such pleasure in my final hours on this earth", and he then falls to the floor and crawls towards the cookies.

He gets to the table and, with the last ounce of strength he has left, reaches up with his hand to take a cookie. Just then, he feels the stinging "Whack!" of a metal spatula against his head.

He looks up to see his wife standing over him, saying "Don't you dare touch those cookies, they're for the funeral guests!"

The Z · Post by **The Z** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:22 am

Oooooh.....shafted.....

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:29 am

Religious one ?

The Pope just finished a tour of the Australia and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 200 Kmh to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The cop approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The cop called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, sir?"asked the cop.

"Is it the Premier?" questioned the chief.
"No! This guy is even more important!"
"Is it the PM?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the copper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

Baldursgate Fan · Post by **Baldursgate Fan** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:30 am

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:33 am

Kids ! *snicker*

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:38 am

Ummm..........????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diary of a Bible
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JANUARY:
A busy time for me. Most of the family decided to read me through this year. They kept me busy for the first two weeks, but they have forgotten me now.

FEBRUARY:
Cleanup time. I was dusted yesterday and put in my place. My owner did use me for a few minutes last week. He had been in an argument and was looking up some references to prove he was right.

MARCH:
Had a busy day first of the month. My owner was elected president of the PTA & used me to prepare a speech.

APRIL:
Grandpa visited us this month. He kept me on his lap for an hour reading Cor1:13. He seems to think more of me than do some people in my own household.

MAY:
I have a few green stains on my pages. Some spring flowers were pressed in my pages.

JUNE:
I look like a scrapbook. They have stuffed me full of newspaper clippings - one of the girls got married.

JULY:
They put me in a suitcase today. I guess we are off on vacation. I wish I could stay home; I know I'll be closed up in this thing for at least two weeks.

AUGUST:
Still in the suitcase.

SEPTEMBER:
Back home at last and in my old familiar place. I have a lot of company. Two women's magazines and four comic books are stacked on top of me. I wish I could be read as much as they are.

OCTOBER:
They read me a little bit today. One of them is very sick. Right now I am sitting in the center of the coffee table. I think the Pastor is coming by for a visit.

NOVEMBER:
Back in my old place. Somebody asked today if I were a scrapbook.

DECEMBER:
The family is busy getting ready for the holidays. I guess I'll be covered up under wrapping paper & packages again ... just as I am every Christmas.

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:48 am

Some Manly advise

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky.
"Mmm-hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?" asked Becky.
"Mmm-hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?" asked Becky.
"Mmm-hmm." replied Dave.
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

Kameleon · Post by **Kameleon** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 11:54 am

Re: Some Manly advise

Originally posted by KidD01
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky.
"Mmm-hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?" asked Becky.
"Mmm-hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?" asked Becky.
"Mmm-hmm." replied Dave.
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

LOL...that is even odder because I know a guy called Dave who was going out with a girl called Becky, and we could never understand why she thought he was sweet...

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 12:09 pm

More Kid Stuff !

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

KidD01 · Post by **KidD01** » Sat Jan 18, 2003 12:17 pm

e-Prayer of the day - make sure you do this before surfing

As I boot up my PC,
My modem dialing next to me,
I ask the Lord, give me a sign,
Will I ever get on-line?
If you'd kindly let me through,
I'll byte no more than I can chew.
I'll surf the waves amid the Net,
With my mouse, my loyal pet.
And through each window I will see
The websites that are offered me.
Resisting any chat room's lure,
I'll download only what is pure.
If system errors don't prevail,
I vow to read all my e-mail.
If you save me from a crash,
I'll dump my games into the trash.
Just please don't take my CD-ROM!
Thank you Lord, God Bless dot com