Famous last words in the D&D world

SearingKnight · Post by **SearingKnight** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 9:51 am

The Stone of Absolute Randomness

Here's a semi long but unbelievibly hilarious story that my friend A told me (yes thats her full name):

DM: so the villagers have stripped you of all your belongings and you are now trapped on a hill surrounded by angry farmers ready to charge.
A: Now since my magic stone has an activation word right?
DM: yes.
A: and last time I said it cast finger of death on an important NPC right?
DM: yes... so if you find the word you can (under his breath) conceivebly, cast finger of death an infinite number of times.
A: okay so what did I say to that guy...
Party Fighter: Something like "So the monsters are coming from your sewers which means down below your town is where they are right now."
A: and it cast finger of death, so it was said in that sentence.
Party Fighter: (in character) Monsters... Sewers... Town... Right...
A:THE (eleven rubber duck rain down on the Cleric).
Party Fighter: THE, THE, THE, THE, THE, THE, THE, THE... (Milk comes down like rain, a sheep appears and starts to dance, a fly lands in A's characters ear and says "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet", light popping sounds surround the party, and alot of other stuff...)
DM: (rolling a D100 furiously) slow down.
A: its not helping, this thing doesn't cast offensive spells anymore, the DM tricke... (a lightning bolt fries the party who were at this point protected slightly but not enough by three dozen or so rubber ducks)

So thats the origin of the stone of absolute randomness... on a side not here are some of my other favorites.

PC: This wound is mortal, but... I have a healing potion... (to the DM) I rub the potion on the wound...

PC: Ouch the rust monster has to go, I cut off it's antenae...

Bard: (to an audience of members of the local thieves guild) Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves...

Wizard: I hide behind the statue of a crouching gargoyle...

and last but not least...

Fighter: Quick put out the torch so the troll can't see...

Rob-hin · Post by **Rob-hin** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 2:24 pm

lol

That's one strange story.

taltamir · Post by **taltamir** » Sun May 09, 2004 5:18 pm

ha, hillarious....

This reminds me some of our party's crazy antics...

DM: You see a bunch of glowing holes more then a foot wide in the floor, the holes are glowing a hot red color and they look as if something has melted a way through the rock
PC: I go over there and peek into one of the holes...

Mage PC: I go to the tavern and try to get drunk
DM: you mean you start drinking ale?
PC: No I mean I try to get drunk, I drink with the explicit purpose of getting drunk
DM: ....

Rest of VERY low level party to me: Its only a minor ring of acid resistance, we are much better off selling it (I bought it from the party, ironically we encountered about three green half dragons in the rest of the campaign, and almost all of them didnt even have a single ring and had the money to buy it)

With a rouge that keeps on taking 20 on search...
Party enters a secret door, fights a minor cursed vampire,
Finds a secret door, fights 3 minor cursed vampires, barely survives...
Party finds hidden door and attacks a full vampire, barely survive (wizard got lucky with his spear), party is now out of spells and severly injured but thinks they defeated the vampire in charge... Finds another secret door, and decides to go through it, only to meet a the vampire leader and two more cursed vampires...

At a dungeon of orcs that has a tunnel leading to the underdark and the PCs know of it..
DM: "the tunnel split, the right side continues on, while the left side seems to be more of a natural chasm then a tunnel, it rapidly descends..."
PCs: "we go that way"
DM: "you reach a room with glowing mushrooms, however at the other end there seems to be an impregnable area of darkness, a crossbow bold shoots out from it and hits a character"
Archer: shooting arrows at it.... they bounce off
Sorcerer: casting dancing lights on it, they disappear into the darkness without penetrating it
DM: during the other combar rounds the darkness keeps on retreting staying about 100 feet from you
Fighter, rouge and ranger: charge after it for 4 turns at 60 ft per turn while taking damage and going below half their life
leaving the gnome sorceres, the heavily armoured cleric, and the bard behind ignoring their shouts for retret...
Bard sorceres and cleric start runinng the other way... stupid fighters finally get a clue and start running too... DM decided to be nice and said the drow didnt give chase...

This actually happened
6 level 6 characters enter a SEALED room in the complex of a cult that is inside a cave in the mountain...
DM: The room you entered doesnt seem to be a part of the cult's complex, it is much much older and seems to be like a section of an ancient liberary, there is a large humanoid statue in the center of the room covered with magical writings and symbols, behind it there a pile of items, your cleric who still has his detect magic on from the previous room (a few moments before) notices a VERY POWERFUL magical emenation from the statue, aswell as from many of the books and from the pile of items...
Wizard (me): I go and examine the statue
Most of the party: We back away
Theif and Fighter: We go and grab at the pile of items...
DM: As the fighter reaches for an item from the pile the statue comes to life and attacks him...
DM: And 10 books animate and block your way and flank you..

Turned out it was a cley golem.... 30-50 damage per hit of cursed wounds that dont heal and require a special check to overcome the curse with magical healing, insane damage reduction, almost immunity to all but two specific spells, regenerate health from acid based spells, insane magic resistance, etc etc...\

Fighter tried to trip it... actually did a few damage (like 3 hp) died...
Sorceres took out books with one fireball, we all ran and managed to take the fighter's body with us which we later resurrected with a raise dead scroll at -1 level... golem didnt chase us because it was just set to gaurding the stuff in the room (we didnt take any)
We also all failed our knowledge monster checks, so we didnt know what it is (neither have we seen it in the monster manual before), so we had no idea how to hurt it or how strong it was... we found out in trial and error that he regenerated from acid and his wounds wount heal normall after a few rounds, I am still shocked we survived that long, we actually were very well equiped for our level and well designed characters, and we played the battle well... but things could have gone much worse... we could have ended with me and the ranger the only surviver (fighter was down, sorcerer was a gnome with other run bonuses, cleric was wearing heavy armour and limited at 20 feet per round, I had the run feat giving extra speed on running in a straight line... and the other two characters were with average speed)
Goes to teach you never to underestimate the run feat... if the golem did choose to give chase (which i think it what originally intended too) we would have been done for...

Not a last thing said kind of thing but funny none the less...
NPC woman hitting on the cleric...
Cleric acting like he doesnt understand
NPC: are you celibate or something?
Cleric: Celibawho?

This didnt actually happen, but would have been somewhat amusing to watch... or to do!
Mage: I cast minor wish
DM:what do you wish for
Mage: I wish to be the immortal god ruler of this dimention and to have the torasq as a pet and to have a circlet of +30 to intelligence and a loun stone of unlimted resurrections and +10 to all my skills and to gain 10 levels and.....

Vekolaiv · Post by **Vekolaiv** » Fri May 28, 2004 8:02 am

Good ones

This ones a true story:

Two 2-4 lvl players (mage & ranger) had sealed themselves in a tomb and otherside of the door was a huge armies of different skeletons.
Inside the tomb was one grave in the middle and some scripting they couldn't understand well. "to hold the item you hold the powers of pure evil" (or something like that

).

When the skeletons had break throught the door the ranger decided to hold them and the mage could think something. After the mage had blasted some undead slaying -thingies he started to think.

GM: "the grave is beginning to glow with yellow light from some little holes. As the light reaches your arm you feel calm".
MAGE: "I decide to keep some distance from the grave just incase".

Meanwhile the ranger had lost few HP and slayed dozens of skeletons more

GM:"The light from the tomb is getting stronger on you and you feel CALM when it reaches you..
MAGE: "aww... aw.. aa... ss.. do i see anything ELSE in the room ?!"
GM: " hm... You see a tiny hole up where came the light before this bright light came an.... ".
MAGE: " .. ALRIGHT i decide to shoot a bolt with rope tide on it *rolls DC17 + something* -there.... ?"
GM: "No you failed, but the light from the tomb has reach in the room so much that even the ranger can feel himself CALM after all he has only one quarter left of his HP...."
RANGER: "Hurry UP !! Bah this is hopeles... first we feel calm from some *** light and no.... -what if you would look in the grave before death?"
MAGE: "oh what the hell, i'll take alook in the grave, what else do i see then bright light ?"
GM: You see a longsword that has a pommel that is crafted as a skull an.....".

-It only took 20min of gameplay to take the hint

This is a real legend for my D&D pals:

Level 7 ranger with cheesy weapons & armor died from a rare natural double DC20 and over -roll.

RANGER:"WHAT ?!! but... just... AARGH some cheesy luck of MY !! What level npc was that ?!".
GM: "umm... hate to say but it was a common dwarf with dwarven axe from the monstermanual".

Npc Guide:"umm... I think i forgot to tell you that the dragon especially liked to eat bearded kinds in its crusades".
Dwarven fighter: "oh... will be cautious".

Some no-named lawfull good 10lvl knight wanted us to send some bag to the nearest town and kindly not look inside.
LVL1 paladin: "I think this guy has done something bad... THOU SHALL DIE EVIL !!"

GM:"There have been seen balors gathering under the sewers..."
GM:"Vekolaiv, did you listen to what i said ?
Vekolaiv:"oh.. what *stops drawing* YES we accept your quest !

Luis Antonio · Post by **Luis Antonio** » Fri May 28, 2004 9:10 am

Unprotected mage to his cleric friend:

We are in the very heart of the shadow thieves hideout. But it is empty!

Yeah... (slashing noise) What, are you gonna stand on the ground all day? Irck! Your nose is bleeding... I'm gonna get some he... (slashing noise).

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anomen joins the party. Anomen is striped out of armor. Party heads to Kangaax lair.

Anomen: Tis a grand day! I'll turn undead him!
Kangaax: *evil grin*

taltamir · Post by **taltamir** » Fri May 28, 2004 4:01 pm

you know it takes a triple throw of 20 to instantly kill someone, not a double 20, a double 20 (but not a third one) means that you performed a critical that automatically hits no matter what the target's AC is, triple 1 is you kill yourself accidently...

Vekolaiv · Post by **Vekolaiv** » Fri May 28, 2004 11:53 pm

oh.. we have used it as double dc20 and third roll over AC, but big deals we got a good laughs that day

Gauda · Post by **Gauda** » Sat May 29, 2004 1:35 pm

Her is an interesting scenario:

Say that you get angry at a guard, and try to kick him, that would of course be a unarmed attack and would provoke an AOO, but since the guard is caught of guard, that is not true. Anyway, say that the player actually rolls natural 1 three times in a row. How is it possible to kick your self? Not to think about, how can you kill your self, by kicking your self?

The only way I can think of, is if you have legs made of rubber and somehow manages to kick your throat, and somehow get yourself strangled by the impact from the kick on your throat.

taltamir · Post by **taltamir** » Sat May 29, 2004 3:38 pm

three 1s, or even just a critical failure, does NOT mean you hit yourself, how can you kill yourself when kicking? you can kick straight up, miss the gaurd, fall back, and hit your head on a rock breaking your neck...

Or you can kick the gaurd, and trip and impale yourself on his sword, or the spike on his helmet... the possibilities are endless, and are all realistic! to some degree that is, also maybe it only applies to lethal weapons not to nonleathal dealing attacks, but regardless you might want to make some amends, for example i dont see a high level (ie highly trained) monk kicking in such a manner that he trips and breaks his neck, ever. perhaps make it so its 3 in a row, and then fail a save or two based on your class and level (ie a monk gets a 2 x class level + to a reflex save to not trip on his head when he does that, any regular fighter just gets his level + ref save, and any non combatant gets plain old ref save, then if they do fall on their neck, give them a fort save vs death, where if they fail they die and if they succeed they just cracked their skull and survived with a loss of intelligence or some other thing)

or maybe just say its four 1s in a row... that will kinda make it more realistic since how often do people really kick themselves to death... or maybe 3 in a row + 1 die per 10 levels

Lost One · Post by **Lost One** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 5:54 am

Going back to famous last words:

Player1: Ok, the dragon is sleeping, who starts the attack?
MyPlayer: -readies an arrow- I will.

-moment of silence, heavy breathing....the arrow is fired-

-rolling dice- 1.

'Oops'. Rrraaaauuurggh!

'Who's there! Show yourself!'

An evil priest offers a potion of 'healing' to an injured player. The player says 'Thanks' and drinks it.

'What do you think the fountain does?'
'Drink from it...'
'Hey, look, I'm getting younger! This stuff is great!'
-an hour later, baby cries are heard-

'I'll go in the front'.

'Fall back! Fall bb....a....'

Halsy · Post by **Halsy** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 11:59 pm

Famous last words from a GURPs game...

"Gee, from here it looks like that guy on the roof's got a rifle..."

Rigrider · Post by **Rigrider** » Sat Jun 26, 2004 8:35 am

One of my favs from an actually game.

Dm: In front of you sits a large Red dragon. He's starring directly at you.
Player (who recently P***d off the DM): I attempt to disbelieve. **rolls a 1**
DM:Nope no dragon. And you can't quite figue out what that pain is in your neck.

Stilgar · Post by **Stilgar** » Tue Oct 26, 2004 4:52 am

Level1 party in first campaign ever: "Whe want to meet some tougher oppents then bats, rats and kobolds."

Player OOC: Ha, i shouldnt even roll, i need a roll of 2 or higher to neglate the effects of that spell.

Dwarfen fighter who took of his armor and shield to make a jump and then went into combat.
"What do you mean all 4 goblins hit me, then you had to roll 18 or higher 4 times in a row behind that little screen of yours."

PC Rogue: I'll try to reason with the mage.
(The mage was the main reason they where in the magetower, let's call it an end boss for a little startingcampaign i'd written.)
DM: You suddenly remember that you just brutally slaughtered the mage his familiar.
PC Rogue: Dont worry i have high charisma!

And my personal favorite:
"I say we drop the rule that the DM never has to get the beer"

Rob-hin · Post by **Rob-hin** » Tue Oct 26, 2004 5:17 am

Good one!

"I say we drop the rule that the DM never has to get the beer"

I must make that a house rule when I DM the next quest!

taltamir · Post by **taltamir** » Tue Oct 26, 2004 11:13 am

Hitting on NPCs....

PC: So baby, are you an angel, cause your toosh is out of this world...
NPC: What tipped you off the wings or the flaming sword?

Fiberfar · Post by **Fiberfar** » Tue Oct 26, 2004 11:52 am

Real story:

The DM: You have slaughtered the Bard and the guards... What now?
Fighter: I'll take 20 on a search...
DM: You find a Mandolin with some strange runes on it.
Wizard (me): Cool. Senses magic from the Mandolin. We'll take it and sell it.
Fighter: I'll smash it into a tree....
Wizard: No wait, it's magical. Don't destro.........
-The sound of Wood smashed into wood.

taltamir · Post by **taltamir** » Tue Oct 26, 2004 1:26 pm

why would he just randomly smash stuff is whats beyond me.... stupid fighters

Fiberfar · Post by **Fiberfar** » Thu Oct 28, 2004 11:52 am

Never Mind, I forgot the whole point

(getting senile)

taltamir · Post by **taltamir** » Thu Oct 28, 2004 3:17 pm

i think the point was that fighters are stupid...

What I cant stand is why the mage is ALWAYS the bad guy.. and its the fighter who is the hero...

Galuf the Dwarf · Post by **Galuf the Dwarf** » Thu Oct 28, 2004 8:10 pm

Here's one...

Alchemist: *adjusts her spectacles as she looks sternly upon her customer* Listen, warrior, I know your buddy there is horribly diseased, but you gotta be careful with this potion! Make sure it doesn't get stirred!

Fighter: Alright, I'll keep it in my bouncy haversack, then. *stuffs it in said article and starts to walk off*

Alchemist: *blinks her widened eyes, realizing her horrific error of memory* No, wait, I meant don't shake i-

KA-BOOM!