My own short-story

[DeathLich]

I created a little short-story during my free time between assignments at school during Digitools. It's not completed yet, so I'll show the final version in a thread if anyone likes it so far. It's not that good, because I have had to hide it from the teacher when I typed it and that I started it when I was younger. Well, tell me what you think of it. I vaguely remeber the story about a half-elf with no known family getting attacked by an army in a stand alone fight. Although if I give away any more I would be giving away too much of the plot. Any critisism is okay -complemetary or otherwise...

[giles337]

Shouldn't this be moved to Fan-Fic, when a mod sees it?

Its a cool story... but maybe "Keith" wasn't the best name to choose? And maybe you could changet the wanton use of "Blood-Drenched" in the fist paragraph?

[DeathLich]

Like I said I started it a long time ago, but I'll change it in the future. I chose Keith as just a name because I couldn't think of a good one at the time, so just when you read it think of a better name (like Typhon) and substitute it in as you read.

[C Elegans]

I thought Keith was a funny name I can imagine Keiths parents bickering when they were to choose a name for their kid, and the human parent deciding that "I'm fed up with all those pretentious elven names that are supposed to sound mystical and exotic - let's call the boy Keith!"

In general, I think you should try to work a bit on your story-telling technique. Instead of using primarily description of what people do, and dialogue, you could try to mix this with more descriptions of the surroundings. Also try to work on the sentence formation, so you vary it more. Instead of beginning many sentences with "Keith did..." and "He saw..." you could use a different structure sometimes. For instance, the passage:

Keith launched another arrow into an orc and before it even hit, he shot three more in rapid succession. Keith knew he was almost out of arrows and would soon have to use his sword and dagger. Eventually the orcs would probably wear him down, unless the humans came. Keith reached back for another arrow in his quiver. He grabbed only air.

could be more varied like:

Keith launched another arrow into an orc and before it even hit, he shot three more in rapid succession. Soon he would be out arrows, and forced to use only his sword and dagger. Eventually the orcs would probably wear him down, unless the humans came. Keith reached back for another arrow in his quiver, but found himself grabbing only air.

Just an example, I am no writer, English is not even my first language. Fable is however, so if you are lucky he will spot this thread and give some advice.

[DeathLich]

As I said before...I wrote it a long time ago...this is likely to change as I get better at english and the lack of plot now it just for mystery...it'll show the plot later. Mostly it'll me the demon commander (who is Keith's hated half brother-where Keith's mother met the demon after the elf I won't tell, but that's how it happened) and he captures Salvenia and takes here away. Keith, of course, follows with a few friends to help (most likely Pyro and a few others that he'll meet later). In the end he is too late...his beloved Salvenia is tortured to death before he gets there. In his angry fit of rage he nearly loses his friends (my attacking at them) and learns that during his battle with his demon brother (whos name I have not decided yet) he will have to sacrifice his life in order for the sure destruction of his brother. And well me must decide either to die (and rid the world of a great evil) or live (and only banish the half demon for 200 years, where he could gain more power and come back later). That's probably how the storyline will go. Much of the story is going to be of a huge battle with the mass of the half demon's army and Keith (and his friends') adventures to find Salvenia...It's not that good, but it's only my first so...