This sucks

CodyCarson · Post by **CodyCarson** » Sun Feb 20, 2005 12:26 am

Hey Guys, have you ever been a friend with someone for so long that you think you know them. Then bam the slap you in the face? I have been friends with this girl for almost 5 years and I have told her that I liked her several times. Just to have her come out, fight in front of me and say, "SOrry buddy but I won't go out with you." Infront of her friends and My friends. Man I lost it, we where at the movies and everything and she was cuddlign up to me, so I took a shot. I missed and bam. I must be an incredable loser. Yo, if anyone has any advice or anythign they want to share, Negative or positve, go for it. I don't care if you cut m down, I can't get any lower then I feel anyway.

fable · Post by **fable** » Sun Feb 20, 2005 12:32 am

Is it possible that she felt very pressured by your remarks? Has she turned you down, before? If so, she may have done that in front of your other friends to make the message very clear, and to prevent you from saying she agreed behind her back. Not that you would do that; but some people do. If she's felt you were pressuring her, doing this in public may be part of a passive-aggressive behavior pattern, acting submissive to a man because women are supposed to do so, but then bluntly coming forth like this in front of witnesses when she could no longer stand it.

dark_raven · Post by **dark_raven** » Sun Feb 20, 2005 7:41 pm

never give up hope, give it another 6 months minimum (though, i'd personally wait a year) then see if she has grown to like you anymore. use friends to find out if she likes you, but they shouldn't ask direct questions... unless its a casual "cureousity" question.

but no matter what, stay her friend. being a friend to her still (though you've been turned down) will show her that you don't need to bring your's and her relationship to the next level (though you want to). it will also show her that if she does go out with you and it doesn't work out then you and her can go back to being just friends without trouble.

good luck to ya man!

hope for the best!

Macleod1701 · Post by **Macleod1701** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 10:38 am

Or just do what I used to do when I was a teenager, if one girl rejected you, sleep with all her mates! Mind you I did get around a bit. Male version of the school bike. Grown out of it now though.

jopperm2 · Post by **jopperm2** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 2:28 pm

I find that if a girl is making what may be advances such as cuddling up to you. It's best not to make a move until it's clear that she likes you(and I mean so clear that you'd be an idiot not to know it), or it looks like she is obviously saying "your turn" and waiting for your move. I'm not sure why I worked that way, but it always seemed to work out for me.

Ideal Maxima · Post by **Ideal Maxima** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 2:46 pm

Well, i agree with Jop. You have to be sure she WANTS to be "closer" with you. My advice is to just wait. And if you think you're going absolutely no where, then spend more time with her without giving her the impression that you like her. If she thinks you want to spend time with her because you're madly in love with her then she's not going to want to hang around you. Eventually, she's going to start liking you, but it has to be naturally, you can't force her. Well, just stick to that, and she'll be in your arms in no time.

giles337 · Post by **giles337** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 2:49 pm

[QUOTE=Ideal Maxima]Well, i agree with Jop. You have to be sure she WANTS to be "closer" with you. My advice is to just to wait. And if you think you're going absolutely no where, then spend more time with her without giving her the impression that you like her. If she thinks you want to spend time with her because you're madly in love with her then she's not going to want to hang around you. Eventually, she's going to start liking you, but it has to be naturally, you can't force her. Well, just stick to that, and she'll be in your arms in no time.

[/QUOTE]

As maxi found out the hard way, after much help from all his lovely friends at SYM

And, may I add, finally ended up with "she who must not be named." So they all lived happily ever after. Apart from possibly "she who must not be named"'s father

But yeah, pretty much take it as read. Just actas a friend and she'll eventually realise that you care alot for her, more than just physically. All the best.

Obsidian · Post by **Obsidian** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 2:55 pm

Ah the age old tradition of young men getting advice on young women from strangers on the internet.

Man, there is nothing we can really tell you. We don't really know you, or the girl, or the situation.

That said, What can you do? Walk away. There's no point chasing her. You made your shot, and turns out you missed.
Out of curiousity, what was your shot?

She's not yours to win, a relationship is a partnership, where 2 people who are different come together. Never ask for anything. Only take what is freely given.
I've "won" a number of women over my time with clever words and flowers, but it never lasts, because they fall in love with you at your best. At your most charming. I know I can't always be like that.

Ideal Maxima · Post by **Ideal Maxima** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 2:58 pm

[QUOTE=Obsidian]

That said, What can you do? Walk away. There's no point chasing her. You made your shot, and turns out you missed.
Out of curiousity, what was your shot?

[/QUOTE]

Wow, who invited Mr. Sunshine? Just ignore this part of his post for it is not true. I thought i'd blown my chances at my gf (before she was my gf of course), but I asked for advice on SYM, and we've been going out ever since. So don't be so gloomy, and give the kid some hope.

giles337 · Post by **giles337** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 3:03 pm

[QUOTE=Ideal Maxima] I thought i'd blown my chances at my gf (before she was my gf of course), but I asked for advice on SYM, and we've been going out ever since.[/QUOTE]

It's true. He is. And now he enjoys explaining every graphic detail to me on MSN every night

It is, a double edged sword however, some chicks are gunna just keep blowing you off, more and more obviously if you don't get the message. Just give it time, and see how thigns go.

Obsidian · Post by **Obsidian** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 6:10 pm

[QUOTE=Ideal Maxima]Wow, who invited Mr. Sunshine? Just ignore this part of his post for it is not true. I thought i'd blown my chances at my gf (before she was my gf of course), but I asked for advice on SYM, and we've been going out ever since. So don't be so gloomy, and give the kid some hope.

[/QUOTE]

I use Obsidian as my handle. Whats that tell you about my character?

Lets just say that over my time here, I've seen many of these threads, yours is the only success case Max.
Cudos on that. But I bet it had less to do with SYM and more with you being a young virile hunk.

That said, chin up CodyCarsen, there's been a precedent.

fable · Post by **fable** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 6:21 pm

[QUOTE=Obsidian]I've "won" a number of women over my time with clever words and flowers, but it never lasts, because they fall in love with you at your best. At your most charming. I know I can't always be like that.[/QUOTE]

Very perceptive. You certainly don't want to show your worst side on dates, but trying to seem other than you are is a shortcut to unreasonable expectations. Being yourself is the best way forward, at all times. And if that's not enough in general, maybe you need to work at developing some new interests, and some social skills that aren't limited to romancing.

jopperm2 · Post by **jopperm2** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 6:25 pm

I agree, almost everyone can be the perfect lover for one night. That doesn't mean she'll want to spend much more time than that with you.

CopperWater · Post by **CopperWater** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:51 pm

Or you could turn gay. Just a sugestion.

fable · Post by **fable** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:52 pm

Or you could turn gay. Just a sugestion.

CopperWater, this is a serious thread, and involves the person who started it bearing his emotions. If you're not going to treat it with sensitivity, keep out.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 9:29 pm

To be honest, I have to question the girl cuddling up to you....
I mean, cuddling can send some very mixed messages, and it is not the sort of thing that should be engaged in lightly, especially if there is any kind of ambiguity to the relationship.
Personally, I have never cuddled a guy, or even lightly touched him, unless we have a close friendship with firmly set boundaries, or there is a romantic relationship (or intent in that direction on my part). Admittedly, I'm not the most touchy feely person in the world.... but I think the girl bears a level of culpability and poor judgement for having initiated that level of physical contact without considering the possible consequences.

As far as where things might go, hard to say, but I think in your shoes I'd be pretty wary of somebody who initated physical contact, and then immediately backed away.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 11:26 pm

I agree with DW. I have female friends that are far closer to me than the other male friends they have because of the boundaries we've set. I'm their friend, and thats that. I'm not the friend who's waiting for a shot with them, or trying to hit on them and get in their pants or pick them up when they're heartbroken. I'm the guy they hang out with, talk to, their shoulder to cry on and all of that.
We don't cuddle, I wouldn't mind that but so far, the other guys they've done so with have gotten grabby and clingy and tried hitting on them. I end up having to chase them off when they don't listen to "no" and so they won't now unless they're dating someone.

She may have just been in the mindset that you've been friends for so long, you should have been ok with just cuddling with her and not changing anything. I feel, it was wrong for her to shoot you down in front of everyone. However, if you have asked repeatedly, and been shot down repeatedly, I can see why she may have done so. I have a friend who simply doesn't give up, and loses his female friends that way.

Whatever the reasons though, if she's let you know repeatedly she doesn't want to change your relationship, keeping up the requests to do see might see it you have no relationship with her. I'd suggest pushing her away gently if she tries cuddling with you next time if it's going to confuse you as well. She shouldn't do so knowing how you feel for her. That's going inspire mixed emotions and she should know that.

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:35 am

DW's quite right about the whole cuddling up thing. It can send very mixed messages (In fact, I'm a victim of it currently, myself). The best signs, I feel, are the verbal ones, not so much the physical ones, mostly because (and this is a big one with guys... Pun intended

) can be very misleading, and often, not very good grounds to begin a relationship.

As for your situation, in this particular case, you might have to bite the bullet with it. If you've hinted at liking her for sometime, and that was the reaction, then it's an obvious sign that she is either not interested, or not worth being more than simply a friend. It's a life lesson, and one everything has to go through eventually.

In the long run, it won't matter much. Just hike up your pants from around your ankles, and get back into the swing of life.

frogus23 · Post by **frogus23** » Tue Feb 22, 2005 6:55 am

People need cuddling even when they are unattached and don't want to be attached. I would be in dreadful dreadful trouble if everybody I had ever curled up at night with thought it was an advance...

Obsidian · Post by **Obsidian** » Tue Feb 22, 2005 4:12 pm

How come when other people say bite the bullet, no one calls them Mr Sunshine! I demand they be called Sunshine!

As for cuddling, heh, men especially have funny ways of making ourselves think that a pretty girl touching us means they want to sleep with us.
Could be she was cold. Or might have been a small seat, and she was adjusting herself.

In my experience (and this is so lame and high schoolish), the only contact that means anything romantic, if if she either a) puts her hand directly next to yours, touching, and LEAVES IT THERE, or b) if she's a bold lass, put her hand on top of yours.

Bars, clubs, and parties have no connection to the above. In those situations, a clear message usually involves a tongue down your throat