First Impressions ?

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Mon Apr 04, 2005 3:42 pm

I am a bit curious about something.

I'm the sort who usually sticks to my first impressions of a person. What I mean is, after a single encounter I'll generally like or dislike somebody based on instinct or intuition, and unless something really earth shattering occurs to alter my view, I'm unlikely to change my opinion. Now, this is very arbitrary and unfair, I admit that fully, and I know I need to work harder at giving people the benefit of the doubt...

But I'm wondering does anybody else here make fairly quick impressions that they generally stick with? Or, do you usually give individuals a fair trial?

I guess this also feeds into the whole question of what makes us like or dislike somebody. As I said above, I usually go by gut feeling, which is, of course, also influenced by subconscious perception and observation.

How about other people?

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Mon Apr 04, 2005 3:52 pm

Well,I usually give them a trial.A trial as to where I feel that they truly love me or if I can truly love them.But the trial only occures if I have a very good first impression.So yes,I to rely on first impressions.

Obsidian · Post by **Obsidian** » Mon Apr 04, 2005 4:54 pm

First impressions are critical. In our society, when we meet new people, it is often only briefly. An hour or three at the most, so we tend to make snap judgements based on their appearance, clothes, accessories, speech pattern and the topics they discuss.

I'm going to take this from the other side for one second, where people make their first impressions of me. It may sound vain, but I analyze how I am seen all the time.
I change my appearance and mannerisms (slightly) when I'm meeting new people.
For example, I never wear jeans, always dockers or columbia outdoorsman pants, and I often wear a collared shirt, with hiking boots and a sports watch.
If I go to the bar, generally a nicer pair of dockers, a collared shirt, and a gold watch. I keep the boots because of the impression they give.

I don't think I'm alone in having different speech patterns for different groups. I have my professional pattern, school pattern, army pattern, casual pattern. Maybe more that I haven't seen.
For example, in my casual pattern, I throw in colloquilisms, like reckon, ain't nothing, etc. Profesionally they wouldn't exist. In the army, I swear a whole lot more. But that's part of the culture.

Does anyone else find they play up or play down features of their personality when they are making first impressions?

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Mon Apr 04, 2005 5:43 pm

[QUOTE=Obsidian]Does anyone else find they play up or play down features of their personality when they are making first impressions?[/QUOTE]

I know I do. I have certain friends that think I'm an adorable angelic teddy bear and others that come to me if they need someone scared off or trouble dealt with in a nasty manner. I can go from completely sweet and innocent to cursing and getting wasted for days on end depending on the company I happen to be with. My friend with the baby I've been watching is a good example. She was the youngest friend I've had and I always was very reserved around her until she made it a point that she didn't want to be treated any different. I introduced her to my other friends and we all hung out for the night and she was shocked at how I acted. She'd never seen me curse in front of her before, make lewd comments or anything of the sort. She's gotten used to it over the past few years but that first night was terribly amusing for me seeing her reaction.

As far as first impressions go, I'd have to say it depends. Normally I agree with you DW though. I can tell within the span of a few minutes by the...feeling...I get from a person whether I'll like them or not quite often. I may be able to tolerate someone, but I'll know whether I'll like and desire a friendship, or not want to deal with someone within a few moments time. There are exceptions as some people aren't how they seem, or they change. In which case, your first impression is null and void and you need to re-eveluate said person but in general I think thats how I work.

CM · Post by CM » Mon Apr 04, 2005 5:53 pm

Not at all. If first impressions mattered to me most of the people i am extremely good friends with, i wouldn't have cared to know or get to know. It is basically be judgemental on stereotypical qualities that do not define a person.

A person could have had a bad day, and just been tired and moody. Does that mean he or she is always like that. First impressions are never a good judge of character and never will be.

The excuse that we live in a fast paced world and that is first impressions are important is just hogwash. Sorry Obsidian. No offense intended towards you. But if you are not going to take the time to get to know the person then don't take the time to judge the person.

First impressions have never mattered to me. Ever.

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Mon Apr 04, 2005 7:56 pm

For the most part, I tend to form strong first impressions. It's likely due to the fact that on the occasions when I have looked past my initial reactions to people and given them the benefit of the doubt, I wind up only confirming my first impulse to avoid them.

Not that I have a huge list of things I won't accept in people. It's more a general sense of the person, a gut feeling type of thing when I first meet them. It's difficult to explain exactly what it is, but I always follow my instincts. I've gotten pretty good at being able to see past a lot of initial fronts people may put up and get a sense of what kind of person they are. Then again, I've had a lot of experience doing that.

I'm proabably a little more sociable as far as giving people a chance online than I am in person since I can't really guage someones personality from simple posts as quickly as I do when I can see the persons mannerisms and such.

As far as playing up or downplaying certain of my own qualities, I used to do that. I don't anymore. These days I couldn't care less when I meet someone whether they like me or don't. I am who I am, and people can take it or leave it. Not that I am rude or arrogant or anything, but I refuse to dress, act, or present my personality differently depending on who I'm with at the time. If anyone ever met me in person, they could rest assured that whatever they get the first meeting will be exactly what they'd get after two years of hanging around with me. I'm too damn old to be trying to impress people when they will find out the things I'd be trying to hide anyway in time. Not as old as Gwally (

) but still, I've found just being myself the easiest way to avoid a lot of hassle and heartaches. Besides, I like me dammit, and I'd miss me if I changed

@fas, I can't speak for obsidian, but personally, I don't think of it that way. I can make allowances for bad days, moodiness, etc., but certain things in the way people carry themselves, mannerisms, expressions, etc tell me a lot about people. It's not so much the mood they may be in as certain underlying things about them that they tend to project that are independant of mood or anything else. For example, if all they want to do is run down everyone else they know, I avoid them like the plague. If a guy is talking trash about all his friends to me, then he's talking trash about me to them. On the inter gender side, if a woman I meet happens to magically have every single interest that I do, like everything that I like, and dislike everything that I dislike, or has no opinions on anything that contradict any of mine, then she's faking herself. The other things I can't explain, but some people I meet just send out vibes that tell me to be wary for one reason or another.

giles337 · Post by **giles337** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 3:01 am

Personally, I have a complete opposite problem. I tend to be quite an easy going person, and at my age, new people I meet are generally friends of friends anyway, and are therefore, not terribly different from me. That said, whenever I meet someone; perhaps because they are worried about the impression they are making and react differently because of that, I always get on well with them, and walk away thinking, "Yeah, he/she seems fun." Then I spend more time with the people, and as they grow used to my company, there real self starts to come in. And sometimes I just think "Jeez, what was I thinking!?" That said, I tend to get on well with most people anyway, so it's all good

When I do meet people for the first time, It is generally by chance, as opposed to by purpose, so adapting my dress doesn't really come into it. Thankfully, that doesn't really matter, as as I said, I am generally easy going, and am quite happy to act/chat normally amongst new faces. I take them at face value, and act normal, so they can do the same. I'm not in the world to live up to them, and they are not here to live up to me. If we hit it off, great, if not, well, it can't be helped!

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 4:17 am

First impression has no more validity for me than second or third impression, rather less.

When human beings don't have much information, we generalise information we already have. Numerous psychological studies demonstrate exactly what Fas says, namely that first impression is mostly based on people's more or less conscious stereotypes. Sticking to the first impression means a high risk for pushing your already pre-fabricated stereotypes and prejudices on the other person, and not seeing the other person for what it is due to confirmation bias (the human tendency to select information that is consistent with what you already know or think). What people may call "intuition" is often nothing more than a set of emotions provoced by what your own stereotypes and prejudices unconsciously make you associate to.

[QUOTE=CM]The excuse that we live in a fast paced world and that is first impressions are important is just hogwash. [/QUOTE]

If you never meet the person again, then it doesn't matter. If you meet the person again and s/he doesn't take the time to re-evalute the additional information, or s/he is so stuck in the "first impression lasts"-idea so s/he cannot change and add anything substantial even after having met you 10 more times, what is then the meaning of socialisign with this person at all? I wouldn't be interested in having neither a professional nor a private contact with a person who had decided after 3 hours what other people is like, and then is unable to change this.

One meeting very seldom leads to more than a very superficial contact. First impression gives superficial information.

[quote="Obsidian]
I'm going to take this from the other side for one second"]

No, certainly not. I would not like to spend time and energy on thinking about what impression other people get of me. What would the point of this? If I don't think of it but act spontaneous and natural, most will get a fairly accurate impression. If I start to manipulate a lot of cues in order to make other people get a specific impression of me in certain situation, that would be less accurate and what use is a less correct image?

[quote="Bloodstalker]
These days I couldn't care less when I meet someone whether they like me or don't. I am who I am"]

Couldn't agree more

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 5:26 am

Myself, I think I've learned that first impressions mean nothing. Over time, a person reveals themselves enough to allow a true glimpse into their motives and make-up. I've made the mistake of going by my first impressions and have learned that they only serve to color my judgement, often luring me into missing warning signs that crop up later on. It can be a painful experience, discovering that your first impressions of someone were misleading.

On the other hand, first impressions can also lead you to develop utterly unfounded opinions and feelings about a person, in a negative fashion. The person you "get off on the wrong foot with" might actually be a person that, had you reserved judgement, have revealed themselves to be quite the opposite of what you originally thought and felt. I've learned both of these lessons very recently, and it's always a bitter pill to swallow.

Obsidian · Post by **Obsidian** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:05 am

Valid points all.
I definately agree that a first impression doesn't give you anywhere near the whole picture of someone you just met. It does however, give you a guideline, or more honestly, a stereotype, on which to judge them. It's shallow I know, but at that moment, you only know them in a shallow way.

As for my tendency to play up or down some of my features when meeting people, I don't think it's that uncommon. I'm confident most people do it to some degree self consciously as a social adaptation. Or maybe I'm just vain and a social manipulator. Those are possible too.

I certainly do know that me as an army Corporal is different than me as an actor.
Not totally, I'm still me, but my speech is subtly different, so is my attire and attitude.

Macleod1701 · Post by **Macleod1701** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:31 am

I'm antisocial so i meet people hate them and that's it

Erenor · Post by **Erenor** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 1:50 pm

First impressions stick in my mind for however long I know a person. If somebody does something I don't like when I first meet them, I don't tend to stick around to find out much more about them. It's somewhat unfair to those other people, but it's up to you who you want to hang around with and why. I do grow into liking some people, but my "gut" tends to be pretty accurate in whether or not I'll get along with someone else, or if I'll be attempting to tear out their throat by the end of a conversation or time spent with them.

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 2:09 pm

I make impressions very quickly, but I also change them quickly. It is kind of unnerving, actually- I really think of people almost completely in the context in which I interact with them. I am kind of a trusting person as well, and so consequently I am always giving people the proverbial benefit of the doubt. This tends to leave me sort of... exposed (for lack of a better word).

Sometimes that isn't a bad thing though- my girlfriend and I literally hated each other for 3 years. We had close interactions and there was nothing but emnity. Due to circumstance however, we were forced to spend a little time together and hit it off well- now, almost a year later, it is working out. Life's funny like that sometimes

Macleod1701 · Post by **Macleod1701** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 7:59 am

I met a guy I didn't like when in my first year of university, (many people I met I didn't like) who was southern and decided to take the piss out off my Northern/Scottish accent so I bust his nose......this was the first time i met him and I have a very short temper in general but in my defence everyone warned him about me and not to take the micky so it's his own fault. Strangely enough a year later our groups of friends amalgamted and we started to get along untill he decided to cheat on one of my best mates so he got another beating........do I come across as violent?

frogus23 · Post by **frogus23** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 8:33 am

I see such intranscience in my own character that I cannot really bring myself to think about other people being any specific way. So I don't pretend to know 'what people are like' after meeting them once, and likewise I do not pretend to know after meeting them a hundred times. I know that people change from second to second, and that even the most immutable character traits in people are not always worth hanging on to because sometimes you yourself will have changed into the kind of person that just doesn't want them in a friend.

I make many superficial friendships, and I enjoy finding out about new people, but I believe that the value in a friendship is in friends experiencing changes with one another - seeing every side of a character as it shifts, and being prepared to recognise at any second that your friend is not the friend you were so impressed by your 'first impression' of six years ago.

@Obsidian,

'Who you are' is as much a question of how you act in different situations as it is of your private thoughts. I can't imagine what I would do if I were floating in a vacuum with no human interaction, so I recognise that when I deliberately wear my gold watch to a bar, that is because deep down I am the kind of person that wears gold watches to bars. By changing in different situations, you merely define different parts of yourself in different lights - you do not have a self hiding away which can be disguised by wearing certain clothes or speaking a certain way, IMO.

CM · Post by CM » Wed Apr 06, 2005 8:46 am

[QUOTE=Bloodstalker]@fas, I can't speak for obsidian, but personally, I don't think of it that way. I can make allowances for bad days, moodiness, etc., but certain things in the way people carry themselves, mannerisms, expressions, etc tell me a lot about people. It's not so much the mood they may be in as certain underlying things about them that they tend to project that are independant of mood or anything else. For example, if all they want to do is run down everyone else they know, I avoid them like the plague. If a guy is talking trash about all his friends to me, then he's talking trash about me to them. On the inter gender side, if a woman I meet happens to magically have every single interest that I do, like everything that I like, and dislike everything that I dislike, or has no opinions on anything that contradict any of mine, then she's faking herself. The other things I can't explain, but some people I meet just send out vibes that tell me to be wary for one reason or another.[/QUOTE]

I agree that there are certain things that are a tale tell sign of certain characteristics and attributes a person has. But they can also be very rare times when these tale tell signs are visible. The thing is first impressions in my opinion are not based on characteristics but rather on superficious things.

I am no different in a suit with a typical hair cut then i am with extremely long hair and a french goatee. But i do get treated differently. I am in a suit and all of a sudden at the UN i am getting a good morning sir, welcome. If i am in long hair and a pair of jeans and i am getting questioned about why i want to enter the UN.

Again these things are superficious. Of course this does not mean that people do it all the time. But the way you dress or act on a specific day does not in anyway tell a person about your personality.

Those examples i agree with. If people did that around me they would get into trouble. Actually they have. I have stopped talking to people due to trash talk about mutual friends.

I have learnt that according to my friends both in geneva and my paki friends around the world that the way i treat Pakistani girls is very much in line with what is precieved as flirting in our society. I honestly treat them like any european or american girl. But either way when i meet Pakistani girls my age or in their teens i limit my conversation to a very formal manner. Because it has come back to bite in a very bad way in 2003. So yeah i do play down my charming

qualities with paki women

Yshania · Post by **Yshania** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 1:20 pm

[QUOTE=dragon wench]But I'm wondering does anybody else here make fairly quick impressions that they generally stick with? Or, do you usually give individuals a fair trial? [/QUOTE]

I am trying to remember if I have ever found myself actually disliking someone based on first impressions, and am struggling to remember if it has ever truly happened. I think, at worst, I might have found myself wary, or uninterested or indifferent as to whether I meet the person again and, should I meet the person again, I remain as polite to them as they are to me, is this a fair trial?

In business, I have formal relationships with people I have no other interest in, and these relationships are based on need, trust and mutual respect, not how I feel about them in particular.

On the other hand, I have found myself instantly liking someone based on my first impressions, something about them might intrigue or inspire me, amuse me or have me feel at ease with them. Generally, these people are honest about who they really are, and are comfortable with this.

We meet a lot of people in our time - we can't form close relationships with all of them, and actually disliking someone creates a negative energy that life is to short to accommodate IMO.

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 1:41 pm

Impressions and friends?

[QUOTE=Yshania]...In business, I have formal relationships with people I have no other interest in, and these relationships are based on need, trust and mutual respect, not how I feel about them in particular.

On the other hand, I have found myself instantly liking someone based on my first impressions, something about them might intrigue or inspire me, amuse me or have me feel at ease with them. Generally, these people are honest about who they really are, and are comfortable with this...[/QUOTE]
Everyone is talking about the different facets they present to the world and the relationships that can come about it got me thinking about friends, the people who "know" you, no matter which part of yourself you are at a given moment.

Aristotle actually wrote a lot about friendships, and he came to a similar conclusion to your own Yshania. He broke them down into 3 categories:
Friendships of utility
Friendships of pleasure
Friendships of the Good (or virtue- "true" friendships)

He thought that anyone we encounter and befriend fell into one of those 3 categories. Either we talk to someone because we need them (utility), because they make us feel good (pleasure), or because of something Good. Sometimes pleasure and utility overlap, but true friendships are very rare.

All this posting about impressions made me wonder if anyone has thought about the impressions DW asked about and how they friendship/your friends- has anyone ever had an encounter with someone they knew would grow into a true friend? Do you think you can tell that sort of thing from first impressions? And if, as some people have indicated, we're always changing our impressions of people, does that have anything to do with friends?