Scayde needs advice....

[Scayde]

given my track record of going with my heart, and not my head, I thought I would ask for feedback this time....
Your thoughts....

I met a great guy...A rancher hre in Texas...Beautiful place, the kind I always dreamed of. Down the checklist, he meets all the important issues head on. He is intelligent, Well traveled, lived abroad, Ver successful business man, self reliant, financially secure...in fact, a step ahead of me in all the practical matters. Needles to say, we are very compatible in every way, sex is great. It is more than clear that he cares a great deal about me. To the point of talking about marriage someday...real happily ever after stuff here. There is one caveat. I am more on the spontaneous side when it comes to intimacy.(Duh)...He is a bit shy and remote in this area, well, until he warms up. He calls me several times a day to tell me how his day is going. That he misses me, that he wants me to come up and spend some time at his ranch, usually a couple of times a week. Everything should be perfect....but...out of the bedroom, he is more like a pal He said the most important thing is that we be ’best friends’. I tend to agree. We can talk openly about anything and everything. We are on par theologically, Politically, fiscally...right down the line..... He says he loves me. He says I am who he wants to spend the second half of his life with...needless to say, this thrills me, and terrifies me. He says he wants passion in his relationship (What he seems to mean, is he wants to be the object of affection. rarely the initiator, But, once I do the simplest thing, just touch his shoulder, boom, he is there. While he sees his roll as one who would take care of me, provide for me. I just don't know if this is enough. I mean, I can ‘take care’ of myself. Though it is nice to have someone a step ahead that can carry the ball, and I can just pitch in to make things nicer. He talks in terms of forever. Sounds good, but...I’m not sure I would enjoy forever in a relationship where my partner doesn’t have the sexual energy that I have. Again, not that it isnt great. He just doesnt seem as emotional as I am.(Wow, that is a news flash!)
My best freind hsa met him and said I would be a fool to pass his guy up....Sigh...any advice?

Than???
fable,
DW???

[CM]

Bah i am the last person to give relationship advice I come to you usually If the person is reserved you have to give them a bit of time. You also need to get them to open up at their own pace. Nobody is perfect the way they are. They need to change. Everybody needs to change in a relationship so that the needs of the parnter are also addressed.

First and foremost have you spoken about this too him? Tell him what you think and then see what he says. If he loves you, he will accomdate your needs or atleast make a visible effort in the matter. If he doesn't love you he won't even try.

[Darth Zenemij]

Yeah,If he really loves you then he would change stuff just for you.If you want him to be more passionate then he should be.

[Erenor]

You have to figure out what you feel. It sounds like a perfect match in almost all respects, just make sure you think it through beforehand. Has he asked you to marry him yet? Are you still seeing other people? These are important questions. Big question here: he said he loves you, but do you love him?

[Scayde]

Thanks Guys...I am guesing that he does, well, at least he talks a lot about us 50 years from now..a lot of implications in that. He may be one of those guys that is just not very demonstrative, but, that is soemthing new for me, so ith throws me off. As far as giving him time, that is no problem. Believe me, I am in no rush

[Erenor]

[QUOTE=Scayde]Thanks Guys...I am guesing that he does, well, at least he talks a lot about us 50 years from now..a lot of implications in that. He may be one of those guys that is just not very demonstrative, but, that is soemthing new for me, so ith throws me off. As far as giving him time, that is no problem. Believe me, I am in no rush [/QUOTE]

Sounds like you want to go for it.

[Scayde]

[QUOTE=Erenor] he said he loves you, but do you love him?[/QUOTE]

Still working on that one. I guess I am leaning that way. I am very attracted to him. I care deeply, and miss him when we are not together. That is as far as I can say right now....

[Scayde]

[QUOTE=CM]First and foremost have you spoken about this too him? Tell him what you think and then see what he says. .[/QUOTE]


It's easy to say you love soemone, but telling them that you are 'in love'....That is not the easiest thing to do...especially when there is this much at stake

[Erenor]

[QUOTE=Scayde]Still working on that one. I guess I am leaning that way. I am very attracted to him. I care deeply, and miss him when we are not together. That is as far as I can say right now....[/QUOTE]

Well, then give it time. That's a wonderful start, though. Best of luck on this one, Scayde!

[Scayde]

[QUOTE=Erenor]Well, then give it time. That's a wonderful start, though. Best of luck on this one, Scayde![/QUOTE]
Thanks Erenor...and pleased to meet you...selcome to SYM

[Maharlika]

Milady, I feel for you.

I myself am a very demonstrative person, and I sometimes get a wee bit frustrated when my wife rarely shows a little tender loving the WAY I WOULD HAVE WANTED. However, I learned to recognize her idiosyncratic ways when she expresses her affections towards me.

I'm sure that you are aware that his inability to show his affections the way you want them to be does not in any way mean that his love is any less.

Tell you what, next time he asks you questions like, "What makes you happy?" "What else is there for me to do?", then they should give you the cue to tell him directly (naughty-wise or otherwise ).

In my case, I would almost always initiate, but of late, she takes the initiative!

[Magrus]

Extreme stupidity on my part just ruined my relationship last friday so I don't know if anything I say will help at all or not. However, I've dealt with more relationships in the past 5 years than I'd care to remember that were meant to be "forever".

I'd say if your having doubts, go slow and most definately talk things through with him. My main problem is I tend to be more mature than most people my age (despite how I happen to act, yes, I can be serious and mature when need be ), so that causes problems with relationships. Since you're both older and more mature, chances are you won't have that kind of problem with the childishness I've had to deal with in young women.

Communication has generally been my problem. If a girl doesn't open up to me and be honest and forthcoming, I tend to shut down to their level to keep from digging for things and trying to force them to talk. So, if you just have little personality quirks that are causing your doubts, chances are you can work that out. Sometimes those little things that frustrate you with your partner end up keeping a little bit of tension that can be fun to release though.

Money I've noticed is often a huge problem, so, if you are both self-sufficient then that is great.

The whole passion thing can be frustrating. I love giving girls attention and going of my way to please them. Some girls feel smothered by that, others just love it. I don't like feeling like I have to restrain myself around the person I love, so if that doesn't work for the girl I'm with, one of us ends up frustrated all the time. If you constantly have to initiate things, it gets to be...irritating. I've been there before. You know they enjoy it, but it's not the same having to constantly go out of your way to do that as having them start once in a while. It's nice to have the other person come to you occasionally too.

But, if you feel it's worth a try, then you should at least give it just that. Let him know you'd like to make things a bit more serious and see how that goes. I know I've said to myself I'd take things slow, and then rushed into things too fast as we both liked how it was and then it blew up in my face. Pacing things is hard sometimes when you enjoy what your doing together.

[Maharlika]

I guess, Milady, what you need is wait for the right amount of time needed for you and him to get to know more, that way you get to discover together how things can work out.

Hey, explorations are high in adventure!

[Weasel]

We only live once.

Seeing as my advice is usually wrong...I advice dumping the guy right now. Following this train of thought, I believe you will see the light of not taking my advice.

I will also give some advice to BS (Free of Charge...Weasel what a guy!) Marry my daughter Aqua-chan.

[dragon wench]

Oh Sis... *hug* You know how much I like this guy..

Everything should be perfect....but...out of the bedroom, he is more like a pal He said the most important thing is that we be ’best friends’. I tend to agree. We can talk openly about anything and everything. We are on par theologically, Politically, fiscally...right down the line..... He says he loves me. He says I am who he wants to spend the second half of his life with...needless to say, this thrills me, and terrifies me. He says he wants passion in his relationship (What he seems to mean, is he wants to be the object of affection. rarely the initiator, But, once I do the simplest thing, just touch his shoulder, boom, he is there. While he sees his roll as one who would take care of me, provide for me. I just don't know if this is enough.

You have often commented to me about the longevity of my relationship, despite its bumpy patches... how much you admire this.. and indeed profoundly respect me because of it. Well.... one reason my partner and I have remained together all of this time is because we are, above all, 'best friends'. I have seen you and your man interact and discuss... This is how it should be.. that one moment you are engaged in a conversation about religion.. while a few hours later you are in one another's arms. Healthy relationships are generally like this.. And.. you know.. just because somebody does not always initiate.. does not mean they lack passion or that they care any less about the person they are with. Sometimes... they are just a bit more reserved....

As far as taking care of you and providing.. This is something only you can decide. I very much had the impression that he would support you, no matter if you continued your career as a nurse or pursued a different course, so really this is up to you.

Sis... I know how afraid you are.. But everything you are experiencing is 'normal stuff.' There is nothing here that should be the cause of any kind of obstacle... *hug*

He talks in terms of forever. Sounds good, but...I’m not sure I would enjoy forever in a relationship where my partner doesn’t have the sexual energy that I have. Again, not that it isnt great. He just doesnt seem as emotional as I am.

Have the two you spoken about any of this? I don't want to ask personal questions so publicly... but I don't really have the impression you are dealing with anything insurmountable (er... pun not intended ).
Incidently, some of the most profoundly emotional people I have ever known have been neither overt nor demonstrative.... but such individuals do not feel or care any less...




I guess what I am saying is that healthy relationships are not usually a series of dramatic or tempestuous moments. Rather, they are a complex symphony orchestra. Some movements are slow and quiet....almost a barely discernible lull, others have a faster tempo, while yet others are a combination..

[VonDondu]

From the way you describe him, it sounds like he loves you passionately but doesn't possess the sexual energy (or the impetus to initiate physical play) that you require from a partner. Even if you love him and he's perfect in every other way, making a commitment to him for the rest of your life sounds like a very tough choice. I'm essentially just repeating what you have said.

If I were in the same position as you, I think this is how it would go. I would decide that I wouldn't be happy being married to a guy like that. I don't know him, so I can't say for sure that I know his type, but I know a few ranchers in Texas, and I'd say they're all pretty set in their ways. If I married a guy like that, he wouldn't change; I'd have to live with him just the way he is, and I'd be frustrated for the rest of my life. So I would decide not to marry him. If I felt like we had a close connection, I'd still try to be good friends with him. But the ranchers I know in Texas are not the type of people who remain friends with women who reject them romantically, so I figure he would leave and never come back. I would rue my missed opportunity and always wonder "what could have been", but I'd try to find someone else who was more compatible and better able to fulfill my dreams. (I might have to move to another state.)

Is that the way things will turn out for you? I don't know. I can sense a lot of differences between us, so I'm not sure whether you and I would make the same choices. But if you choose to marry this man, I think you're in for years of compromising, and it's up to you whether or not you can live with that.

Good luck!

[Cuchulain82]

I tend to see things in the context of their surroundings. I don't know you very well Scayde, and I don't know your guy. Your problem is committing, right? I was thinking about advice, but rather than advice I have a question: do you think that your trouble has to do with this guy, or the thought of committing in general?

That may seem like a silly question, and my first reaction to that question would be to say, "Of course I'm ready to commit- to the right person." However, I know ask myself that question daily. I'm in a wonderful relationship where nothing is lacking. In spite of this, I still have trouble thinking that this relationship is going to last "forever", even though everything about it is excellent. The problem isn't my girlfriend, or the relationship, but rather me, and where I am personally. I try to keep this in mind and every day I work with it- relationships, like the people in them, are processes, and every day they change.

I don't know if this makes sense, but hopefully it helps. Good luck

[CM]

Scayde you (just like me) tend to give out too much information on such matters. Is it really necessary for you tell him you are in love with him? The question is do you trust him not to take advantage of you and the situation you place yourself in. If you do then by all means go for it if you love the man. However i do not believe that is the matter.

You want the person to be more emotionally responsive to your needs and desires. You can only do that by telling him. He will try to change if he loves you. The change will be very very gradual. I know ask WR You will at points need to remind the person and be more specific in what you want and need emotionally.

Man this is so weird. Me giving you advice.

[Macleod1701]

If your only worried about his sexual energy try the following, withold sex from him for a few weeks, make up any excuse that sounds plausible but dress as provacatively as possible and look aroused a lot. The downside to this is that he may jump to the wrong conclusion and think your having an affair and that you'll be very frustrated but it may be the ticket. If I was him it would defiantely work for me, then again i have a very high sex drive.

On the other end of the spectrum just talk to him about your worries, that's what he's there for.

[frogus23]

I think that sexual energy is something that can develop. If anyone can squeeze blood from a stone, I would say it is you, Scayde. Give him time, I think.