Once more dear friends! Jokes thread!

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Sat May 07, 2005 11:36 am

LOL Limey.. i bet that if i told that one at work i'd get a beating

great one..

@grimar: it's bra... assuming you mean the thingies that hold the boobies

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Sat May 07, 2005 12:01 pm

Aye, the most evil invention and my worst enemy at night, the Bra. DUN DUN DUN.

Grimar · Post by **Grimar** » Sat May 07, 2005 12:58 pm

[QUOTE=Locke Da'averan]@grimar: it's bra... assuming you mean the thingies that hold the boobies

[/QUOTE]

Yep! on norwegian. Bra means good!

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat May 07, 2005 1:30 pm

[QUOTE=Darth Zenemij]Aye, the most evil invention and my worst enemy at night, the Bra. DUN DUN DUN.

[/QUOTE]

They get in the way, and women are always complaining how uncomfortable and expensive those things are. I've only dated one woman that truly NEEDED a bra and that was a definate thing to prevent back problems.

@ the_limey, Great joke! I had to rethink it and remember which country that last king was ruling to get it. Then it all got SO much funnier.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Sun May 08, 2005 5:44 am

@mag:well atleast in finland if a woman doesn't wear a bra(in shirts that will 'tell' you're not wearing a bra) give the woman a sluttish image, so that's why all wear them atleast in here..

here's the worst joke i know:

where does a 1000lb gorilla sit?
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anywhere it wants

sorry ppl

ik911 · Post by **ik911** » Sun May 08, 2005 3:05 pm

I shall start by making apologies. Apologies.

What do you do when your mother-in-law is crawling in your front yard?
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Shoot again.

(No idea how old it is or where it came from.)

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sun May 08, 2005 3:30 pm

Brilliant Ikky!

I love that one.

Ok...ok...for sake of not spamming...

How do you get your chicken to cross the road?

Sell them half off.

Gonna go back to sleep now.

shadow blade · Post by **shadow blade** » Mon May 09, 2005 3:19 am

heres one for you

Three men go walking one day and get lost in the forest. They are walking for hours trying to find a way out when they get surrounded by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of these cannibals tells them that if they can go into the forest and bring him back 10 pieces of the same fruit he will not eat them. The three men thought that this was much better than the alternative so off they went into the forest.

After about 15 minutes the first man returns, he has with him 10 apples. The leader of the cannibals tells the man that if he can put all 10 of themk apples up his ass without making a sound he will let him go. The man began, one went up all right, the second hurt a bit but by the third he cried out in pain and was eaten.

About 10 minutes later the second man came back with 10 berries and the cannibal leader told him the same thing. So the man began, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 but then during the nineth one he burst out laughing and was eaten.

Up in heaven the first man asked the second why he laughed because he could have got out alive. The second man replied "i couldn't help it, i saw the third man coming back with pineapples"

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Mon May 09, 2005 3:22 am

That, is a hilarious joke.

Grimar · Post by **Grimar** » Mon May 09, 2005 6:49 am

LOL! i'l remember that one!

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Mon May 09, 2005 9:23 am

yes, i think that one was told by IM in a slightly different version... great none the less

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Mon May 09, 2005 9:35 am

The requisite cowboy joke (not terribly PC, but fun!)

A cowboy in the old West is captured by a tribe of Indians. His capture happened to come at a particularly supersticious time for the tribe and consequently the Chief of the tribe ordered the cowboy sacrificed for religious reasons. However, first the the Chief gave the cowboy the right to make 3 requests of him, one each day, until the day of his execution. The cowboy agreed and started thinking about his first request.

On the first day, the Chief asked the cowboy:
"What would you like for your first request, cowboy?"

To which the cowboy answered:
"I want to speak to my horse"

The Chief thought this was a strange request, but he granted it. The cowboy called his horse, whispered in it's ear for a second, and the horse raced out across the plains. A few hours later the horse returned with a beautiful brunette woman riding on it. The cowboy, looking kind of surprised and bemused, went into the tent and proceeded to *ahem* spend "quality time" with the woman.

The next day the Chief asked again for the cowboy's request, and the cowboy again asked to speak to his horse. Like the day before, the cowboy called his horse, whispered in it's ear for a second, and the horse raced out across the plains. A few hours later the horse returned, this time with a beautiful red-haired woman riding on it. The cowboy was actually angry with his horse this time, but the Chief couldn't figure out why. Again, the cowboy went into the tent and proceeded to spend more "quality time" with this second woman.

On the third day, the Chief asked for the cowboy's final request. Like the two days prior, the cowboy again asked to speak to his horse. Like the other days, the cowboy called his horse, whispered in it's ear for a second, this time using very strong language. And again, the horse raced out across the plains. A few hours later the horse returned, this time with a beautiful blond woman riding on it, a woman by far the prettiest the Chief had ever seen.

The Chief, watching all this, was amused to see that, although the cowboy knew he would die, at least he was making the most out of his last 3 requests. However, much to the Chief's surprise, the cowboy was mad. He stormed over to his horse and, without helping the woman get down, grabbed the horse by it's ears. Yelling at the horse, the cowboy said:

P-O-S-S-E!

POSSE, YOU IDIOT- POSSE!!!

I SAID GO TO TOWN AND GET ME A POSSE!!!

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Mon May 09, 2005 9:42 am

[QUOTE=Cuchulain82]A cowboy in the old West is captured by a tribe of Indians. His capture happened to come at a particularly supersticious time for the tribe and consequently the Chief of the tribe ordered the cowboy sacrificed for religious reasons. However, first the the Chief gave the cowboy the right to make 3 requests of him, one each day, until the day of his execution. The cowboy agreed and started thinking about his first request.

On the first day, the Chief asked the cowboy:
"What would you like for your first request, cowboy?"

To which the cowboy answered:
"I want to speak to my horse"

The Chief thought this was a strange request, but he granted it. The cowboy called his horse, whispered in it's ear for a second, and the horse raced out across the plains. A few hours later the horse returned with a beautiful brunette woman riding on it. The cowboy, looking kind of surprised and bemused, went into the tent and proceeded to *ahem* spend "quality time" with the woman.

The next day the Chief asked again for the cowboy's request, and the cowboy again asked to speak to his horse. Like the day before, the cowboy called his horse, whispered in it's ear for a second, and the horse raced out across the plains. A few hours later the horse returned, this time with a beautiful red-haired woman riding on it. The cowboy was actually angry with his horse this time, but the Chief couldn't figure out why. Again, the cowboy went into the tent and proceeded to spend more "quality time" with this second woman.

On the third day, the Chief asked for the cowboy's final request. Like the two days prior, the cowboy again asked to speak to his horse. Like the other days, the cowboy called his horse, whispered in it's ear for a second, this time using very strong language. And again, the horse raced out across the plains. A few hours later the horse returned, this time with a beautiful blond woman riding on it, a woman by far the prettiest the Chief had ever seen.

The Chief, watching all this, was amused to see that, although the cowboy knew he would die, at least he was making the most out of his last 3 requests. However, much to the Chief's surprise, the cowboy was mad. He stormed over to his horse and, without helping the woman get down, grabbed the horse by it's ears. Yelling at the horse, the cowboy said:

P-O-S-S-E!

POSSE, YOU IDIOT- POSSE!!!

I SAID GO TO TOWN AND GET ME A POSSE!!!

[/QUOTE]

goddamn that was GREAT! ROFLMAO

OMG too bad i can't tell that in finnish since it doesn't work...

it would be a killer at job

Grimar · Post by **Grimar** » Mon May 09, 2005 1:16 pm

i can post another one...

Once there was an old woman who walked into the bank, and demanded to speak with the boss/manager in the bank(couldn't find a better word). He arrives and asks what it is. The woman then sais that she want to deposit 100.000 dollars. The boss flashes a big smile, but asks out of curiosity(sp?) where she has come over that much money. Well, she answers, i bet and gamble alot. Btw i can make a bet with you right now. if you show up here tommorow at 9 am, draw down your pants and let me feel your balls with my fingers. They will then be square shaped. if not, i'l give you 200.000 dollars, if i'm right, you'l give me 200.000 dollars. The boss thinks about it, and agree.

The whole day and night, he makes sure that nothing happens to his balls, and the next day, he shows up as agreed at the bank at 9 am. The old woman is already there, and this time she has brought another guy with her. The boss, eager to be done with it and get his money, draws down his pants, and lets the woman feel his balls with her fingers. His balls are in perfect shape, and nothing seems to be wrong. The guy that the old woman brought then starts swearing and tear his hair of. The boss, happy to have won 200.000 dollars ask what it is? the guy then answer:

"Damn! i had a bet 1.000.000 dollars with this old woman that this day, at 9 am, she would stand with the banks boss balls in her hands

(ok that one isn't really funny

)

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Mon May 09, 2005 1:32 pm

I've heard both of those jokes before and loved them. The worst part is my father was the one who told me both of them.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Fri May 13, 2005 12:18 pm

Humour.. wonderful stuff when you feel lousy..
Just found this in my inbox

Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could deliver only one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Stout!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, Michael said, "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat! "

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri May 13, 2005 12:50 pm

Ha, that is wonderful.

Sounds like a family trip with my father to be honest.

the_limey · Post by **the_limey** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:35 pm

A definition of cruelty: running through an orphanage singing "Where's your Momma Gone?"

A definition of cheek: peeing through someones letterbox then asking how far it went.

Sorry.

Denethorn · Post by **Denethorn** » Sun May 15, 2005 8:39 am

The Missionary

A religious missionary is working with a tribe in south Africa. He has one more day before he returns home. On his last day he decided to challenge himself by teaching the tribal leader english.

So he walks around the village, with the tribal chief, teaching him english. The missionary points at a bush and says "bush", the chief repeats "bush". The missionary points at a tree and says "tree" and the chief repeats "tree" and so on.

After many hours, they wander past a couple having sex in the open. The missionary is embarrassed and suprised, but the chief doesn't seem to notice. Awkardly, the missionary points and mumbles "ummm riding a bike...", the chief nods and repeats "riding a bike". The chief then proceeds to go over to the couple, and beat them to death with his club.

Horrified, the missionary runs over and asks "why did you just do that?".
The chief stands and points at the dead woman... "that was MY bike!"

Athena · Post by **Athena** » Sun Jun 12, 2005 6:15 pm

Ahem; I don't have any jokes right now, but I would love to see more in this thread.