Please note that new user registrations disabled at this time.

Would it be considered cheating?

Anything goes... just keep it clean.
User avatar
winter rose
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2005 8:56 pm
Contact:

Would it be considered cheating?

Post by winter rose »

If a person is involved in a relationship yet he/she relies on another person (outside of the relationship) for emotional needs. Would it be considered cheating? And why?
A rose to her heart that heaven might bless.
User avatar
Luis Antonio
Posts: 9103
Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2003 11:00 am
Location: In the home of the demoted.
Contact:

Post by Luis Antonio »

Depends on wich emotional needs. If you only need a friendly shoulder to cry its ok. But emotional needs are a wide range of things...
Flesh to stone ain't permanent, it seems.
User avatar
Cuchulain82
Posts: 1229
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2005 3:44 pm
Location: Law School library, Vermont, USA
Contact:

Post by Cuchulain82 »

This is a debate I've had many times before, and I think it is really a personal decision. An ex-girlfriend of mine made a distinction between physical and emotional cheating, but they were both cheating. She thought emotional cheating was, in some cases, worse than physical cheating.

However, everyone has emotional connections and attraction to more than one person. It's acting on those attractions when you're comitted to another that causes problems.
Custodia legis
User avatar
Magrus
Posts: 16963
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:10 am
Location: NY
Contact:

Post by Magrus »

Well, that depends on the situation. Someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, stuff like that no. However, if you simply subsitute this other person for your partner and don't share them with your partner it will cause trouble within your relationship. It may not be cheating IMO but, if you have problems, you should share them with your partner too. Communication is key in a relationship.

I've dealt with that problem too much. The girl I date at the time is unwilling to share how she feels or thinks on things and it causes problems. I could care less if she talks to her friends, so long as she talks to me too. If I don't know of a problem, I can't fix it. If she doesn't tell me I can't be expected to know and therefore can't work it out with her.
"You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"
User avatar
winter rose
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2005 8:56 pm
Contact:

Post by winter rose »

Luis- -I am referring to emotional needs in the sense that when one party is really upset and doesnt rely on their significant other, but somebody else. And we're talking not just once in a while but very often. Also emotional needs at times of crisis etc.

Cuchulain -- yeah this topic came up last night with my friends. I was wondering where other people stood on this matter. Surprisingly many thought it was not cheating since it was emotional. Rather interesting.
A rose to her heart that heaven might bless.
User avatar
Magrus
Posts: 16963
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:10 am
Location: NY
Contact:

Post by Magrus »

I just ended a relationship based on this kind of situation.

I'm not sure if I understand your friends situation.

Is the person in question going to a friend to talk about why they are upset and calm down? If so, that I don't view as cheating. However, if they don't work out their problems with the partner they have, that is a doomed way to deal with a relationship. It never works.

If they are upset with their partner, ignoring that person and going to someone else to spend time with, enjoy their company, and essentially replacing this new person with all the emotional and mental needs of a relationship while still being in a relationship, then yes. That is cheating IMO.
"You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"
User avatar
C Elegans
Posts: 9935
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2001 11:00 pm
Location: The space within
Contact:

Post by C Elegans »

In my opinion, this would be totally depending on the couples agreements with each other. If they have an agreement about unspecific exclusivity, emotional, physical and sexual breaking of this agreement would be cheating. If they have separate agreements for different areas (ie sexual exclusiveness but not emotional) then it is of course not cheating since cheating is based on breaking of agreements and trust.

Regarding breaking of agreements, it can be noted that where I live, polls have shown that most people view falling in love with somebody else as the least acceptable form of cheating. However, viewing friendly emotional relationships as cheating would be extremely rare in Western Europe, even if part of that friendship would be to share emotional things (problems, experiences) that you don't share with your partner.
"There are in fact two things, science and opinion; the former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance." - Hippocrates
Moderator of Planescape: Torment, Diablo I & II and Dungeon Siege forums
User avatar
Dottie
Posts: 4277
Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2001 11:00 am
Location: Mindlessly floating around.
Contact:

Post by Dottie »

I would give the same answer as if the question were related to sex: It is cheating if the person are breaking a previous agreement, are lying about what he/she is doing and so on. If you dont have agreed to only use each other for emotional support then it is not cheating.

Personally I think it is a very strange thing to agree on, but I would say that about sex as well.
While others climb the mountains High, beneath the tree I love to lie
And watch the snails go whizzing by, It's foolish but it's fun
User avatar
Xandax
Posts: 14151
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2000 12:00 pm
Location: Denmark
Contact:

Post by Xandax »

If in a relationship with somebody who had to turn to somebody else for "emotional" comfort or help, I'd encourage it and not in any way lable it as cheating (in my view) - and I'd do so knowing that I wouldn't want my partner to suffer needless due to my own insecurity, jealousy or what else.
When in relationsships with loved ones, you want their best (hopefully I'd say), and in this case - best would be to work out emotional problems, even if it is with somebody else then oneself.


However - if it gets physical as a result, the relationsship is over from my side.
Insert signature here.
User avatar
Rudar Dimble
Posts: 924
Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2002 11:00 am
Location: "I did? Hmm...I must be getting old."
Contact:

Post by Rudar Dimble »

Is it cheating: no
Is it bad for your relationship: yes

Well, that just my short version on this :)
Broken promises
"They made us many promises,
more than I can remember.
But they kept but one -
They promised to take our land...
and they took it"

Chief Red Cloud
User avatar
Vicsun
Posts: 4547
Joined: Mon Dec 25, 2000 12:00 pm
Location: liberally sprinkled in the film's opening scene
Contact:

Post by Vicsun »

What is and isn't considered cheating in a relationship is completely up to those involved. A simplistic answer would be: if you don't want your significant other to find out about your activity, it's probably cheating.
Vicsun, I certainly agree with your assertion that you are an unpleasant person. ~Chanak

:(
User avatar
Adahn
Posts: 643
Joined: Fri Jan 02, 2004 8:23 am
Location: Italy
Contact:

Post by Adahn »

I agree with that, so long as your partner knows and allows you to do so, it's not cheating. If you don't tell him/her it is, and if you tell and they say no, but you still do it, it is.
Usstan inbal l' uyl'udith ssinssrigg jihard wun l' tresk'ri! ^^ And it's true too hehe
User avatar
fable
Posts: 30676
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2001 12:00 pm
Location: The sun, the moon, and the stars.
Contact:

Post by fable »

[QUOTE=winter rose]If a person is involved in a relationship yet he/she relies on another person (outside of the relationship) for emotional needs. Would it be considered cheating? And why?[/QUOTE]

A relationship is a contract between two people, in which certain actions on both sides are expected, and others aren't allowed. Just about anything is okay, if both parties explicitly understand this in advance. If one party doesn't something that is not explicitly understood as being allowed, then it's cheating.
To the Righteous belong the fruits of violent victory. The rest of us will have to settle for warm friends, warm lovers, and a wink from a quietly supportive universe.
User avatar
Rudar Dimble
Posts: 924
Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2002 11:00 am
Location: "I did? Hmm...I must be getting old."
Contact:

Post by Rudar Dimble »

[QUOTE=fable]A relationship is a contract between two people, in which certain actions on both sides are expected, and others aren't allowed. Just about anything is okay, if both parties explicitly understand this in advance. If one party doesn't something that is not explicitly understood as being allowed, then it's cheating.[/QUOTE]
To me, a contract indicates something obligatorily, which IMHO, is the beginning of the end for every relationship. You should just be happy being around eachother and you should not perform certain actions, because you don't want to do that to your partner. And not because you feel it's forbidden (in case of a contract).
Broken promises
"They made us many promises,
more than I can remember.
But they kept but one -
They promised to take our land...
and they took it"

Chief Red Cloud
User avatar
CM
Posts: 10552
Joined: Fri May 18, 2001 11:00 am
Location: Here
Contact:

Post by CM »

My views have been expressed already. If the SO agrees to it and knows about and is ok with it then there is no issue. If the SO does not know its cheating. I think this is the first time everybody on SYM has agreed on something :D
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? - Khalil Gibran

"We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!" - Winston Churchill
User avatar
Cuchulain82
Posts: 1229
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2005 3:44 pm
Location: Law School library, Vermont, USA
Contact:

Post by Cuchulain82 »

The big problem is that relationships are rarely easy to define. A relationship is a contract, but it isn't one in which both parties agree to the same terms at the outset. Both people may agree not to cheat, but here we are trying to figure out cheating... (I guess I don't really have an answer that someone hasn't covered already)
Custodia legis
User avatar
fable
Posts: 30676
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2001 12:00 pm
Location: The sun, the moon, and the stars.
Contact:

Post by fable »

[QUOTE=Rudar Dimble]To me, a contract indicates something obligatorily, which IMHO, is the beginning of the end for every relationship.[/QUOTE]

And I have to wonder how many marriages have foundered precisely because the people entering into it had unexpressed and (as it turned out) unrealistic expectations of their spouse and married life?

I didn't write legal contracts, only contracts. You're reading into my wording something that isn't there. Relationships are contracts; they are based upon expectations of give and take. If we're friends, there are certain expectations within that relationship that can formulated clearly in the terminology used for a contract. Does this make the friendship less viable, simply because it was expressed in written terms? Are you stating that friendships involve nothing obligatory? Don't relationships necessarily entail responsibilities?
To the Righteous belong the fruits of violent victory. The rest of us will have to settle for warm friends, warm lovers, and a wink from a quietly supportive universe.
User avatar
Rudar Dimble
Posts: 924
Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2002 11:00 am
Location: "I did? Hmm...I must be getting old."
Contact:

Post by Rudar Dimble »

fable wrote:And I have to wonder how many marriages have foundered precisely because the people entering into it had unexpressed and (as it turned out) unrealistic expectations of their spouse and married life?
People just get married way too quick. That's the reason there's such a high divorce rate. A good relationship is based on mutual respect, not on erotic feelings (which is a major reason people get married these days)
fable] I didn't write [i]legal[/i] contracts wrote: And I didn't say legal contract. You are reading into my wording something I didn't say. I said that IMHO contracts indicate something obligatorily. Which IMHO it does. Therefore it is a contract.
fable]Don't relationships necessarily entail responsibilities?[/QUOTE][/quote] Yes they do. But these responsobilities are there [b]only[/b wrote: because you created them yourself. They are responsibilities to yourself, not to your partner. Whilst you mean you do certain thing or leave certain things, because you feel obligated to do so. I just don want to do them, because of me.
Broken promises
"They made us many promises,
more than I can remember.
But they kept but one -
They promised to take our land...
and they took it"

Chief Red Cloud
User avatar
CM
Posts: 10552
Joined: Fri May 18, 2001 11:00 am
Location: Here
Contact:

Post by CM »

[QUOTE=Cuchulain82]The big problem is that relationships are rarely easy to define. A relationship is a contract, but it isn't one in which both parties agree to the same terms at the outset. Both people may agree not to cheat, but here we are trying to figure out cheating... (I guess I don't really have an answer that someone hasn't covered already)[/QUOTE]

Cheating i think is generally defined as without consent ie, the other person doesn't know or the idea is hidden from the SO. That is cheating. However if it is accepted it isn't cheating.

But i do agree with your ex that emotionally "cheating" is far more damaging and dangerous than physical stuff. A relationship from what i have seen is very very emotionally charged. You depend on each other and your trust each other. If someone comes in the way of that it can cause trouble.

Believe it or not Bollywood made a very interesting movie on that. The indians actually produced something entertaining and socially responsible. The story is as follows: A girl grew up with a family friends son. So they are very close and stuff. Then the girl gets married and the said female does what she normally does. She spends a great deal of time with her childhood friend and came to him instead of her husband for emotional support and help. Then you see the fireworks.

A very well done movie even by Western standards, as all indian movies come with english subtitles now i will get the name and see if you can rent it from Jackson Heights here in NYC.
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? - Khalil Gibran

"We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!" - Winston Churchill
User avatar
Cuchulain82
Posts: 1229
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2005 3:44 pm
Location: Law School library, Vermont, USA
Contact:

Post by Cuchulain82 »

[QUOTE=Rudar Dimble]People just get married way too quick. That's the reason there's such a high divorce rate. A good relationship is based on mutual respect, not on erotic feelings (which is a major reason people get married these days)[/QUOTE]
That's an interesting concept. I wonder if people get divorced more often now because it is easier to do so- society accepts it, women can survive unmarried, etc.- now more than ever before? Maybe people just suffered in lousy marriages in years past because divorce wasn't a viable option until relatively recently.
Custodia legis
Post Reply