Another thought provoking question for you

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:38 am

I've stumbled onto a revelation about some past events, and myself and it made me think of some things. Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you simply changed one event in the past? What would be different, and would it be better in the long run to have it different?

I got to thinking about this when deciding to go to contact my ex Jenica again. The girl broke my heart, and while talking she mentioned thoroughly regretting that and that her life was miserable for the next 5 months or so after that. Mine was for a few months afterwards, but it made me think 'what if she'd have not done what she did?'

I really thought that over for a while. Truthfully, I wouldn't mind having her back, she's happy with a new boyfriend now so that's great to hear and no use worrying about that at all. I have learned a lot since we broke up though. About myself, and how I interact with things, and just life in general. I would not have learned those things should we have stayed together and I'd have been happy though.

The flip side of that is, I know she's in a relationship just by her reaction to me contacting her again that isn't fully what she wants. While she's "happy", she's only had abusive relationships before me and I know the girl. The fact I immediately was bombarded by "I haven't told anyone about this, but..." type deals means she can't share certain things with her boyfriend. She's obviously learned some things, but she hasn't learned as much as I have I don't think.

I asked her "Would you have traded this past year to take back what you said and did last October? The experiences you've had, what you've learned, all of that?" and said "I'm not sure I would have. Frankly, what I learned from you leaving, and the events inbetween then and now I view as vital lessons in life." I've yet to hear back from her on that, she's been extremely busy, yet it made me wonder if anyone else has felt that way.

I've admitted to myself I would like her back, yet, I wouldn't want that past year to have changed because I know things now I didn't back then. Those negative things have taught me lessons I needed, and now I can appreciate things more, and fix problems I had earlier in life.

Anyone else dealt with things like this? Where they realize they want something as a goal, but the failure of doing so and the lesson learned in that happens to be more worthwhile than the actual goal itself?

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 1:08 am

I know exactly what you mean....

There are many things I have experienced where I've wondered how things would have played out had they not occurred, or if I'd handled them differently.
Yet, at the same time, I have no regrets, because I have learned from those experiences, and because they are part of what makes me who I am.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 1:18 am

*nods* I really had to think about that one with this situation. Obviously, if I know I'd want the girl back now, I'd appreciate having not gone through the horrid pain in losing her, and all of the other situations I went through as well dealing with all of that. It would have been simpler to have us have stayed together.

Yet, I would not hold the knowledge of myself I do now. Granted, I may have learned some other things instead but, would it be worth it to trade? No, I don't think so.

It has made me quite curious as to what her reply will be when she finds time though. She's in the middle of all sorts of work with summer classes on top of her full time job so I don't expect it for some time. However, I know she learned things about herself in throwing me away as she did. I wonder whether she would rather have changed that decision or not. Interesting thought. I've taught the young woman quite a bit, and I'm wondering if in her doing what she did she truly learned something worthwhile or not. If so, I'd be proud of her, if not that'd be quite a dissapointment to me.

Chimaera182 · Post by **Chimaera182** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 5:42 am

I imagine everyone feels that way. We all wonder "what if" about a lot of situations, although we probably think more frequently on the larger, more important ones. But I always try to repress such thinking; it's silly to worry about the "what if"s when we're constantly stuck in the "what was." Besides, as dragon wench pointed out, the events in our lives shaped who we are today; we learn from past mistakes, from pain endured, from conflict, and we become stronger for it. Worrying about what might've been is kind of counterproductive.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 5:47 am

True, true, but my point was that in wondering about that I realized I was better off having those bad things happen, rather than the way I wanted them to happen at the time. Why? The personal growth I had would not have occurred without those negative things happening. I wasn't expecting to feel that way to be honest, it was somewhat refreshing, rather than feeling miserable and having regret, you know?

Chimaera182 · Post by **Chimaera182** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:48 am

Yeah, usually we wind up clinging to pain rather than seeing things the way they are like that. Sometimes I think our whole species is just a bunch of closet S&Mers.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:50 am

I prefer the whole Switch thing myself.

Siberys · Post by **Siberys** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 7:01 am

The one thing that I would change about my life, has to be when I was in an insane ward for 22 months, 14 days, and 6.5 hours. It made me mad that they called me "insane" because I was uncontrollable as a child and I had a nasty temper. That wasn't due to insanity, that was due to a failry common disorder now these days known as Aspergers, a form of autism. All that time I spent there, half in a jacket, without my relatives, my friends, without anything. All that time wasted for nothing at all.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 7:32 am

I've been there myself. There's quite a few things I'd have done differently in R wing if I'd known what I know now then. Most importantly, getting a lawyer, regardless of cost and going right after the doctor, the hospital and the university that funds it all. What I witnessed in that place was simply, terribly horrid.

Then again, I would be a completely different person now if I'd have gotten a lawyer and fought back and not had all of the things happen to me there in the first place. I might be capable of going to college and working a full time job like everyone else, but I wouldn't be "me" anymore.

There is one thing I would have done differently. I would have left my phone on the night Cassie called me when she needed me before she died. That, I definately regret.

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:00 am

I know how you feel Mag. I think everyone tends to think about the "What if..." question much more when it comes to love. Sometimes I wonder about why I did some of the things I did to girls I've dated (I was a lousy boyfriend for a period of time), or why things didn't work out with the one girl I really fell in love with hard.

We all want to be happy, but we're not sure what happiness is, at least not in an individual/partner. From what I've found, happiness for me means that I can still be an individual an pursue things I want to. It also means that I am challenged. It also means that I am attended to (by this I mean that i just get attention from the other person- it's just something I need).

I know you're a multi-faceted guy Mag, and with that you're also probably not in the ideal situation- financially, geographically, etc. I also have the suspicion that you're a sucker for a cute, vulnerable girl. Not that this is a bad thing, but rather it just seems to be the type of girls who come up in your spam.

As for Cassie... yes, it is tragic. If you could change one thing, that might be it. However, that change might also not have amounted to any real difference, and I guess that is my point- there isn't any way to know. Cassie died because of her actions, not yours. And, the truth is that you can't do anything about it now. Think about her, miss her, love her memory, grieve, but don't beat yourself up about her or fixate on her. After all, you've still got us all here at SYM- small consolation I know, but it is better than nada!

As for Jenica... well- what do you want to do? Do you really want to be with her? If so, what will it take? If you think it is worth it, then move in that direction. If you think you are just being sentimental and/or romantic, then don't sweat it.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:14 am

I'm by far a sucker for "cute" far, far more than "sexy". It's my downfall I do believe. That and my nasty, barbed tongue, although, I've been told it's quite pleasant and a wonderful feature of mine at times.

As far as Cassie, that's a torn issue. I'd like to say I'm "over her", but I really can't. I suppose I'm over her as much as I can be considering how I felt about her.

Jenica, well, first off, you've seen the girl. She really is a wonderful, beautiful, stubborn and impulsive young woman. Bad combo at times. Given HER situation, frankly I think she'd be happier with me if I were where she is now. Given MY situation, she's better off staying with who she is. No use leaving a decent relationship to start one that may end at any minute you know?

However, unless I'm terribly mistaken by the signals she gave me, she isn't getting the... mental connection she needs. The things she needs to get out and discuss she could with me, she can't with her boyfriend, or anyone else she knows for that matter. I've been there, it ends up a very stressful and frustrating relationship. Then again, any relationship I'm in is stressful and frustrating. I'm not easy to deal with a lot of the time.

In the end, it doesn't matter though. I'll find out what she wants eventually. It's a little circle she goes in. Ever since she stumbled upon me years ago, I'm the person she comes to when she needs something important. I was her first love, and I do mean that in every sense of the word. I do believe I was the first person in her life to treat her with love, no matter the form it comes in, for who she truly is. No one else treated her well at all. She made it quite clear about that and how much she regreted returning that by treating me the way she did in october.

I suppose, that would in itself answer the question I posed to her, that she has learned what the worth of certain things are to her in her life as an individual, and to appreciate what's truly important and not superflous.

On that note, my spellings gone downhill something wicked the past 5 hours or so. It's time to go to sleep, I stayed up all night again.

Denethorn · Post by **Denethorn** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:10 am

This thread immediately got me thinking of a quote from Changing Lanes

:

It's like you go to the beach; you go down to the water. It's a little cold. You're not sure you want to go in. There's a pretty girl standing next to you. She doesn't want to go in either. She sees you, and you know that if you just asked her her name, you would leave with her, forget your life, whoever you came with. And leave the beach with her. And after that day, you remember. Not every day, every week... she comes back to you. It's the memory of another life you could have had. Today is that girl.

A bit over-exagerated maybe, it makes a good point about a single moment perhaps changing your life completely.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:13 am

I've been there! Except the thought process was "If she joined me, I wouldn't be so cold.". Sadly, apparently the water was too cold to persuade her to join me.

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:34 pm

I thought you were sleeping Mag...

As for Cassie... well, I don't know if you'll ever get over her. That's just the way first love is man. First love, deep love, true love, whatever- in my experience you don't ever get over it. I'm sure this is only compounded by the fact that Cassie came to such a tragic end.

As for Jenica, you're 110% right- she's smokin' hot. And, I'll believe you when you say she's intelligent, fiesty, etc. She sounds like a catch. Maybe she isn't connecting with Boyfriend X now, and that she does miss you. This would be a best case scenario, right? Well, if this is the case, what happens now?

If this isn't the case, what then?

I tend to have a "take action and deal with the consequences later" approach. However, that has gotten me into more than one hairy situation. If I were you, I'd look at my situation and think about what I want. You and Jenica depends on you both, so it isn't totally under your control. If you only have limited time, do what is right for you. Everyone dies Mag, and unfortunately some people have a longer timeline than others.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:43 pm

I got two whole hours! I'm good for some time man.

So true, so true. Not to mention the issue of the girls I date wondering who the "girl" is in the picture in my room that I keep up of her. They tend to not like when I discuss that honestly. I can't lie, because that would be wrong, but they don't like me being honest either.

Heh, I can't act on that. I'm not sure you understand the influence I have over that young woman. My voice alone did more to her than her ex boyfriend could with touch. That's just...evil to push her with my wanting her back if she's with another guy. I've been there, and the last one got dropped so she could be put on a leash. I'm not kidding, you saw the collar, the one the guy she dropped bought her. I ruined that little Catholic girl.

Chimaera182 · Post by **Chimaera182** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 2:05 pm

[QUOTE=Magrus]So true, so true. Not to mention the issue of the girls I date wondering who the "girl" is in the picture in my room that I keep up of her. They tend to not like when I discuss that honestly. I can't lie, because that would be wrong, but they don't like me being honest either.

[/QUOTE]
That's such a freaking double standard and I can't stand it. People want you to be honest with them, but they never like it when you are. So you wind up telling lies and they get pissed or you tell the truth and they get pissed. Again, I think our species are a bunch of closet S&Mers. I try to tell the truth all the time, as I never see any reason to lie; only in extreme circumstances will I do so. I tend to do it bluntly, but if someone gets irked with me for it, I'll go out of my way to remind them I'm being honest. Sadly, honesty is never the right policy.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:54 pm

Heh, I've had something of a little comic strip type deal flash through my head whenever a woman tells me to be honest with her now. The whole thing from one movie "You can't handle the truth!" with Jack Nickolson, and then from Half-Baked "I'm FREAKING out man!" by Jim Breuer as the woman and I just cannot help myself from laughing at her after she says it. Frankly, more often than not, it ends up being just like that if I delve into the truth.

My life is strange, and a lot of people don't believe half of what I've been through because it's outside of "the norm" for them. Apparently because they have yet to deal with a situation like that, I have to be a liar. Even if I have people they trust telling them it's all true.

Nope, reality is totally limited to what one person can process with their own senses in one lifetime. Everything else is faeries and make believe.

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 3:33 pm

[QUOTE=Magrus]My life is strange, and a lot of people don't believe half of what I've been through because it's outside of "the norm" for them. Apparently because they have yet to deal with a situation like that, I have to be a liar. Even if I have people they trust telling them it's all true.

Nope, reality is totally limited to what one person can process with their own senses in one lifetime. Everything else is faeries and make believe.

[/QUOTE]
Traditional reason is at the root of this my friend. Subject-object duality, the false seperation of substance from methodology... at least that is my philosophical take on things.

What it means, for your case Mag, is that people judge too hastily. Alas, though they could all see your true genius

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 3:56 pm

Yeah, the drunken pervert genius. I don't apply my brain to science, or improving the world, or military might. Nope, getting drunk and women.

Krystian · Post by **Krystian** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 2:24 pm

Magrus but if you had taken her back and traded all those things like you said it wouldn't matter because (this is really reall very really difficult to explain so bear with me) you wouldn't have learned the things you learned from breaking up with her so therefore you wouldn't care that you didn't know because you wouldn't know them or know what it is like to know them and therefore you would just be happy that you were with her.... *pants* you get me?