Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years
- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats' ass. I
cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message
on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. (That's why they call it
"fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all
fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,
usually come when called, never drive your car, don't
hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.
