Dealing with the sexuality of kids (no spam please ;))

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 3:03 pm

Given that my son is pre-pubescent, and given that he is showing every indication of being an early developer.. This is a question that has occupied my thoughts a bit lately.

I know it varies significantly, and is very dependent on the maturity of the individual, but what do people think is an appropriate age for sexual involvement? Please bear in mind, I am secular, and therefore not subject to any possible religious strictures

My son and I, in fact, recently had a conversation on this subject (initiated by him). He asked me what I considered to be the best age. After thinking it over very carefully, I replied that I thought 14 was the bare minimum, but that I'd be much happier if he waited until at least 16.
However, I also stated that much depends on the individuals involved and their maturity. Additionally, I reiterated that it was critical both partners knew how to protect themselves from pregnancy and STDs (notably, HIV and herpes). Plus, I told him when he is at that stage, my SO and I do not want him sneaking around in bushes, but rather, we want him to bring girlfriends home where it is warm and safe (providing he is discreet about it)..

So, I'm curious, what are peoples' views on this topic?

My own feeling, as indicated above, is that kids are likely to want to experiment, and nothing is going to stop them. Thus, I'd rather my son is well-educated, and safe.

Lestat · Post by **Lestat** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 3:12 pm

I think your son is a lucky bastard to have a great & sensible mother in this matter.
I agree with most but I'd set the ages slightly higher, 15 & 18 maybe. And education about certain matters (safe sex) from the onset of puberty.

Demortis · Post by **Demortis** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 3:17 pm

Honestly, I dont know what to offer for advice, I personally would advice that both be of certain maturity levels, and make sure that they were indoors. Granted, I am 19 and first had relations around 15 or 16, my only advice is to make sure that if he does have relations, make sure he trusts his partner. Nothings worse then bein used, thats from personal experiance.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 3:35 pm

Hmm, I'd have to say it depends on the individual. I didn't get into sexual behavior until I was 18 to be honest. I dated before that, and actually dated more than one girl at a time, but my personal thoughts were that school was too important to complicate things with sex.

If your son is curious, and asking you, I'd strongly suggest you be brutally honest with him. It sounds as though what you mentioned above, you are. Make sure he is well educated, and he knows he can come to you without being worried you'll yell at him or punish him for things of the sort too.

Also, stress the fact he should communicate with his partner when he finds one. Especially in regards to birth control. It's seen as "cool" at the age he'll be entering to avoid any sort of "safe" things, and he'll need to know the honest truth about the situation I think.

Denethorn · Post by **Denethorn** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 4:21 pm

For a number of reasons I won't go into since this shouldn't be a reminiscing thread, I started having sexual contact when I was fourteen. In hindsight, I wasn't ready at all. While I don't regret it, I certainly wished I had waited a few months more. I largely justify it based on the conditions, however.

In my opinion, the early teens are the most vulnerable for someone, a young man especially. It is around this time he will discover the opposite sex, and while sex certainly won't be on the agenda, it does become a strong topic of conversation among peers. It can lead to an element of peer pressure, more specifically "who will be the one to lose it first" etc. In my experiance, these things suprisingly tail off in the later teen years.

I would say fourteen is the absolute minimum. I would say fifteen would be the happy minimum, but people are indeed different and ready at different times. Suprisingly, I think UK law for once reached a reasonable level at the age of sixteen being appropriate. I don't 100% agree with this, since some will be ready earlier.

I must stress the importance of your penultimate comment: that he should bring his girl friends home. If necessary, I would just out-and-out say he is allowed to have sex in his bedroom. A secure and comfortable environment will encourage safe practice and more importantly make the experiance much more pleasant for both parties.

Also, I regret to say you should probably undertake the safe sex talk yourself. True with the internet being the magnum resource, a sensible lad would be fully aware, but I wasn't formally educated on good sexual practice until I was of legal age. I'm not sure how it is in the US (if its even existent with the Shrubbery), but the UK sex ed system is barely adequate. While kids today are far more in the know about such things, I wouldn't cross your fingers and hope. Outline protection and the risks involved. And ofcourse sooner rather than later. Luckily for me, my father sat me down one evening and regaled me of his stories of his days in the army; spending time with prostitutes, and how he nearly caught STDs and such, basically I learned the importance of protection early enough.

To be frank, I wouldn't fret over the issue too much. Just do what you should, more than likely his curiosity is just that

Phreddie · Post by **Phreddie** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 5:56 pm

The good thing about having sex young, especially when its both partners first time, there will most likely be no chance of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, how ever it could ruin their live sif they contract something else, mainly a baby. I dont know If your ready to be a grandma, but from the first time your son has relations you ahve to be ready in the case of a busted condom, make sur she is taking some sort of birth control pill, or patch. You can tell him a minimum age, but unless his respect for his parents outmatches his urges (unlikely in a teenager, even though you may be good parents, many teens resent good parents due to the fact that they want independence, good parents tend to be involved.

) I would say 15 thats an early enough age that he/she may listen to a parent, unless they are sort of pressured in, No is not always seen as an option amongst teens.

Hill-Shatar · Post by **Hill-Shatar** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 6:59 pm

As some of you may know, myself and my first sexual partner who I had dated for four years previously both practiced teen abstinence, so I can't exactly provide you with a similar story of teen sexual tension and the like in those regards.

We were mainly worried about infections and teen pregnancy if the condom borke or was ineffectual. Both can cause severe medical problems, especially if the woman's hips are not totally developed if the latter occurs. We were not ready to be parents at any rate.

Unfortunately, shortly after we began sexual relations, she was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later.

I would recommend going over with him such things as abstinence, the only 100% way of knowing that you won't get a disease from intercourse, obviously. Although few decided to take this sort of thing up, and to be quitre frank, many of my friends at the time felt the same way, it is always good they know that they do not have to go into sexual relations with any person until he feels he is ready.

I remember my good ol' school days when people would compare when they lost their virginity, so I can honestly be a source for anyone's son or daughter by saying that they are not doing themselves any favours, and it will die off eventually as it will no longer be cool.

Growing up in a house with parents who believed totally in the truth, my parents tried to explain everything they thought I was able to comprehend at the time. As I got questions, I grew up in an enviroment where my parents could be the answers, rather than the half truths my friends would tell me later on. Also, safe enviroments, such as Denethorn suggested, would probably be a good idea, although as you can see, I was living on my own when I lost my virginity.

A mother is a good place for any curious kid to ask questions. They are pretty much the role model for quite a while. Your kid is probably entering the stage where he is having strange ideas and thoughts (not sexual, just not what he used to dream about) and will eventually notice that some changes have begun. No doubt he will be very shy of such things at first, but if he is sheepish in the morning and you notice obvious hair growth on his arms, it may be, in my view, time for the 'Tent Discussion'.

That's pretty much all I can think of now. Good luck with the talks.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 7:56 pm

Thanks for all the response guys, much appreciated

I should probably clarify a couple of things.
As far as the frank discussion about sex, birth control and STDs/HIV goes... already been done there and done that. We'll continue talking about this stuff the more he matures, but I have ensured he knows everything he needs to know. Moreover, this is part of the Grade Five curriculum in British Colombia, so he is getting sex ed at school too.

lol! Maybe this is an indication of the approach we have taken with him. He was rolling his eyes in irritation while describing the "immature behaviour" (his words) of his classmates during a sex ed class.
His comment, I quote, exactly here:
"Geeez.... It's only sex Mum, what's the big deal? And why do they find it so funny?"

So, I'm not concerned about him being able to handle the knowledge at a mental level, he is already doing that.
What I'm interested in are the emotional and psychological impacts.

In my view, if we are open, if he knows he can talk to us, and if he knows we aren't saying "Thou shalt not," it is probable sex won't have quite the same mystique. It's kind of like drinking... If you don't allow somebody to drink at home (we give him small amounts of beer, wine and cider), when they reach legal drinking age, they quite often go out and get hammered.
Whereas... if it is available at home.. it's no big deal.

More later maybe, my turn to prep dinner tonight.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:00 pm

It seems as though you are already doing quite well IMHO.

I got "the talk" on 4th of July when I was 19 from my father who happened to be hammered and told me "don't be a fool, wrap it!" before my brother and I had to carry him inside.

As far as your son being comfortable enough not to find it amusing and being mature about it so far...that's good. He'll take it seriously. However...he sounds like he's intelligent. Given how I was, when I finally decided the fun involved was worth the risk, I dove in headfirst. I was educated, and knew what I wanted, and how to get it. If your son happens to be in a similar mindset, you may be dealing with him being active around you if you make him feel comfortable with doing so at home. Keep that in mind. I avoided dealing with it until after high school for my own reasons. Afterwards...well, I didn't do much else. I'm not sure how you may take something of the sort occuring before your son is an adult and living on his own if that takes place.

Hill-Shatar · Post by **Hill-Shatar** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:04 pm

I think I got mine around the time my age hit the double digits, maybe a mite before. Oh yes, I was one of the children who didn't want to eat chicken balls. Not that I knew full well what testicles did at the time, but it still had some effect on my mind that made me stay away from chicken for a year.

Phreddie · Post by **Phreddie** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:24 pm

my parents are unfortunatlye quite conservative, theyve ben honest but never in an, you can try as long as you dont go crazy, they mroe of, heres what it is, here is how its done, and if you do it and I find out your dead (drinking/sex) while the mom is a little more open than the dad, im just lucky that i dont enjoy drinking, and I havent really had time to pursue a relationship.

Steven00009 · Post by **Steven00009** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:46 pm

I wish my mom was as cool as you. But anyway, it feels EXTREMELY awkward to talk to your mom about sex. I'm 15 now, my parents never actually had the "talk" with me. I'm glad too. We have sex education at school and that is pretty thorough. And plus, if you tell someone not to do something, the person wants to do it more. So, as long as he knows to use protection (I'm sure he does according to the way kids talk at schools [my school, anyway]). It would probably be less strange to talk to an older friend or relative. My friends who have had "the talk" seem to get in more trouble than the ones who haven't. (One actually got into so much trouble that his parents sent him to an all boys boarding school.) So, unless he doesn't have sex education at his school it might be best to leave him to himself for a while.

VonDondu · Post by **VonDondu** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 9:19 pm

I have mixed feelings about what you should tell your son. Part of me believes that no child wants his parents involved in or even aware of his sex life, no matter how sensible and trustworthy a parent might be. Kids want to be separated from their parents eventually, and I think sexual maturity is simply one of those things that drives a wedge between parents and their children. Talking about sex with your son is uncomfortable for you, and it's also uncomfortable for him. I'm afraid that's unavoidable. So you need to find an unobtrusive way to give him guidance and yet at the same time give him a little freedom.

On the other hand, kids don't know much about life, other people, or their own feelings, and kids have a way of being oblivious to the consequences of their actions; so it is your duty (and your heart's desire) to be a good parent and protect your child. So I'm glad you want to do the right thing, not because you can't handle his sexuality and don't want him to grow up, but because you care about his well-being.

I think it's up to your son to figure out what he wants and how he feels. I think you should tell him not to do anything unless he really wants to do it. Tell him not to cave in to peer pressure, and tell him not to do anything he isn't ready for. When my brother was about 17, he was dating a girl he didn't know very well, and they ended up "parking". My brother (who was a virgin) asked the girl if she might be interested in having sex, and she said no. They started making out with that understanding. But after a while, the girl changed her mind. My brother had thought earlier that this was exactly what he wanted, but when she changed her mind, it made him uncomfortable, and he couldn't bring himself to do it. Some of her comments ("Come on, what's wrong?") only made things worse. So he ended up having an experience that set him back and made him more worried about what would happen in a sexual relationship. One of the lessons he learned was, "Know thyself."

I had sex for the first time when I was 15, but from my own perspective, I "waited" until I was in love before I did it. I think sex is better if you do it with someone you love. But I do see the appeal of having wild sex with a stranger, and that sort of thing might interest your son. Sex is important under the right conditions (think about Romeo and Juliet), but it is meaningless in other situations (think about two stink bugs mating on your porch). It's up to the people involved to determine whether sex is "meaningful".

Whatever your son chooses to do, I hope he will be discreet, safe, honorable, and classy about it. As a woman and a mother, you can give him advice about the right way to treat a woman. Most people have a tendency to be very callous towards their lovers, so if you can teach him to be sensitive and considerate and teach him that he needs to value the people who want to be close to him and teach him how to show his appreciation, I think you can say you have done a good job as a parent.

Demortis · Post by **Demortis** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 9:33 pm

The only thing I can advise to anyone with kids, never talk to them while they are playin video games or reading books. Kids hate it. That and dont give the talk more then once. *raises hand* Had it three times, once at 13, once at 16, and again at 17. I know its important to have that talk, but dont try to drone it into someone. And the sad thing was, my dad was sober when he gave me the talks all three times.........

VonDondu · Post by **VonDondu** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 9:56 pm

Demortis, I think that might be good advice when it comes to "the sex talk". But I think it's a good idea for parents to offer their children ongoing advice about relationships and love. I've seen a lot of desperate people in their 20s who are devastated by the heartbreaks they might have avoided if their parents (or someone--anyone) had given them some guidance earlier in their lives. If a person has sex because he's lonely and desperate, that's just as bad as having sex because he's horny and irresponsible. Good parenting can prevent kids from ending up in either of those situations.

ch85us2001 · Post by **ch85us2001** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 10:23 pm

Let me be, how you say . . . frank.

I'm 15, right in the selected age genre.

I wish someone would just be forthright on the whole 'Is it wrong/against the rules to do it" discussion. I haven't neccasarily found someone that I trust in a way to share that kind of bond yet. But, when I do, it would be nice to have a comfortable, safe (and hopefully not on wheels

) environment to have that in. Yet, nobody seems to want to discuss that particular subject. I mean, it would be nice if someone would just sit down and say "Heres what I expect of you, heres what you should do." Instead, I have to infer what I am allowed and not allowed to do.

So, I am all for just kind of letting your boy "keep it out of sight, and out of mind". I wouldn't suggest openly condoning it, because I feel that is a little . . . wierd. But, if he brings girls into the home discreetly, and is safe in doing so, then if he is ready, why not (rhetorical)?

Not that I know to much about this subject, but I can give you a view of the kind of Demographic your trying to reach.

CM · Post by CM » Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:59 am

I don't have any advice on this matter specifically as i come from a very different mind set. However something i would advise that i know you would is make sure you keep an eye on the types of girls he brings home. I have had many friends who were idiots and basically did stupid things because their girl asked them to or promised things.

At 14 peer pressure and sexual favors can greatly influence a kid. I am not slighting your son, as he appears to be a very smart kid. But kids can still be pressured into situations they don't want and at that age girls can have a very strong influence.

So watch out for the kind of girls he brings home and actively take steps to talk to him about the girl if you don't like her. Your gut instinct is damn good trust it when it comes to the girls he hangs out with. If need be take a very active interest (whe talking to your son) in girls you don't like.

Patrick · Post by **Patrick** » Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:21 pm

Hey DW I think personally, that It is better to wait but that never seems to e true to the nture of the world. I love kids but do not want any, if I could I would just encourage them with with love. Kids need to know the danger of others and the that they can coiside in others because they are very subsebtible to others. Waiting for the kid to figure it is OK with him is good but all that matters is that the parents love others, like you said. Love is very important to espress to to others who might light outside the famiy circile.
Best Wishs

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:29 pm

Wow, for once I agree with Fas on something he said regarding sex and women. :speech:

Good points. Frankly, my first girlfriend was a money grubbing <expletive deleted>, and I was warned by my mother, father, step-father, and friends. She was cute though, and I thought I was in love, and I ignored them all until I realized it myself. Chances are if your son does find a girl that isn't good for him, and you tell him she isn't, he won't care what you say. However, I'd still find a way to point it out without seeming like a know-it-all, controlling parental unit. (Which, is terribly hard to do being a parent saying something that your child doesn't wish to hear. :laugh: )

@ Chus, I thought you were older. So many things make so much more sense now!

As far as wishing someone would inform you what is and is not ok, why not ask? I wouldn't be crude about it, that'll get you nowhere with most people, parents especially. However, being honest, and not giggling or smirking may get you a response that is mature and honest as well. It really is hard to get a straight out, honest, and respectful answer about a lot of topics from most adults when you are young however.

Young doesn't mean stupid, it means inexperienced and learning.

Nudge · Post by **Nudge** » Tue Jan 24, 2006 10:21 am

[QUOTE=Lestat]I think your son is a lucky bastard to have a great & sensible mother in this matter.
I agree with most but I'd set the ages slightly higher, 15 & 18 maybe. And education about certain matters (safe sex) from the onset of puberty.[/QUOTE]

I didn't have sex until later, but I got the "talk" early on and I felt like my parents respected me enough to fill me on on the details early. The honest knowledge helped me wait.