In the time honoured tradition of hiding behind anonymity on the internet so young men can talk openly about thier emotions...
My girlfriend of last year is now travelling in Australia. She broke up with me last summer when I was training with the army. I agreed to it, unhappily, because we both thought she'd be leaving for Australia less than a week after I returned, so rather than deal with that drama we broke up early.
But, she ended up leaving for Australia four months after originally intended. During this time we kind of avoided each other, and she eventually called me wanting to get back together.
Now, I was still bearing a bit of a grudge about being broken up with when I was away soldiering. So I resisted getting back together with her. Hide behind the defence that she was just another girl in a moderately long list.
But now, with her away in Australia, we still talk occasionally, and we find that were missing each other more than ever. Despite my being with several women in the months she's been away, none have made any real emotional connection with me.
Its really strange, I really don't know what I feel. Why do I want to be with this girl so badly now when I didn't before, and she so truely did want to be with me?
Do I love her just because she loves me?
Psychology? anyone?
On Relationships...
On Relationships...
The waves came crashing in like blindness.
So I just stood and listened.
So I just stood and listened.
Well, I think there are several explanations, but ultimately no one can really answer the question FOR you. There are a couple of things that pop into my head that could be going on...
1. Maybe you do really like her. It's possible that when the two of you initially started talking about breaking it off, to make the situation easier when she left, you were hurt and that translated into the resentment you mentioned. Now that you've had some time to calm down and deal with it, you realize that you still care about her and want the connection that you had before.
2. Now that she's away, all you remember are the good times. Add to that that you haven't found another connection (or maybe this is why you haven't found another connection) and you think getting back with her will fix all of your problems. Maybe it would, but maybe it wouldn't.
3. Maybe now that she's gone, she is a "safe" desire. When you originally split up (for whatever reason) you were hurt and you didn't want to be subjected to that. People get defense mechanisms for lots of reasons and they manifest in different ways. It might be that you are still hurt and (sub)consciously you don't want to be hurt again. That could be one reason why you haven't connected with anyone else, and that might also be the reason that you are now allowing yourself to want her: because she's far away.
All in all, you could read 50 different psychology books and get 50 different answers. What is really the best advice that I can offer is to:
1. Think about what it is that you want from her.
2. Decide whether she is the only one that can give it to you.
3. Decide if #1 is positive / beneficial for you.
4. Talk to her, let her know what you came up with in 1-3 and see what she thinks.
#4 is obviously the hardest, and even after 8 years of marriage I still have trouble with it. But talking to her about it is really the most important part.
1. Maybe you do really like her. It's possible that when the two of you initially started talking about breaking it off, to make the situation easier when she left, you were hurt and that translated into the resentment you mentioned. Now that you've had some time to calm down and deal with it, you realize that you still care about her and want the connection that you had before.
2. Now that she's away, all you remember are the good times. Add to that that you haven't found another connection (or maybe this is why you haven't found another connection) and you think getting back with her will fix all of your problems. Maybe it would, but maybe it wouldn't.
3. Maybe now that she's gone, she is a "safe" desire. When you originally split up (for whatever reason) you were hurt and you didn't want to be subjected to that. People get defense mechanisms for lots of reasons and they manifest in different ways. It might be that you are still hurt and (sub)consciously you don't want to be hurt again. That could be one reason why you haven't connected with anyone else, and that might also be the reason that you are now allowing yourself to want her: because she's far away.
All in all, you could read 50 different psychology books and get 50 different answers. What is really the best advice that I can offer is to:
1. Think about what it is that you want from her.
2. Decide whether she is the only one that can give it to you.
3. Decide if #1 is positive / beneficial for you.
4. Talk to her, let her know what you came up with in 1-3 and see what she thinks.
#4 is obviously the hardest, and even after 8 years of marriage I still have trouble with it. But talking to her about it is really the most important part.
I have to admit that I don't really understand how people are capable of getting together one day and then turning their backs on each other the next day. It doesn't work for me. I still think about all of the people I've had a connection with, including some that I never even got involved with. If your ex-girlfriend made a lasting impression on you, maybe you'll just have to accept the fact that you'll never forget her.
The real question is, should you try to get back together with her? I don't know. You used to think things wouldn't work out between you. You wanted to make a clean break instead of going through a big drama. If you get back together, it might not last. Maybe it will give you a chance to find some closure by letting YOU be the one who decides to end the relationship. But in all likelihood, it will be messy. Is it worth it?
If you and she were in a relationship for a really long time (say five or ten years), maybe you could slowly evolve out of the relationship and let go of each other gradually. It doesn't work for everyone (in fact, it doesn't work for most people), but it's a possibility. Or maybe you'd have a messy breakup on your hands five or ten years down the road. Is that how you want to spend your time?
Of course, what you are hoping is that you could rekindle a relationship with your ex-girlfriend that will last indefinitely (or as Ming the Merciless would say, until such time as you grow weary of her).
You have to take her feelings into account as well, but we're not sure how she feels, so you might have to do your contingency planning without her. Such is life. But how do YOU feel? That's the only thing you have to go on. I suspect you're dealing with a carrot on a stick, so to speak. The reason you want her is because she's just out of reach, and it's driving you nuts. But if you got her, what would you have? A carrot. You know her already, so you know what you'd be getting. Is that what you want? That's up to you.
The real question is, should you try to get back together with her? I don't know. You used to think things wouldn't work out between you. You wanted to make a clean break instead of going through a big drama. If you get back together, it might not last. Maybe it will give you a chance to find some closure by letting YOU be the one who decides to end the relationship. But in all likelihood, it will be messy. Is it worth it?
If you and she were in a relationship for a really long time (say five or ten years), maybe you could slowly evolve out of the relationship and let go of each other gradually. It doesn't work for everyone (in fact, it doesn't work for most people), but it's a possibility. Or maybe you'd have a messy breakup on your hands five or ten years down the road. Is that how you want to spend your time?
Of course, what you are hoping is that you could rekindle a relationship with your ex-girlfriend that will last indefinitely (or as Ming the Merciless would say, until such time as you grow weary of her).
You have to take her feelings into account as well, but we're not sure how she feels, so you might have to do your contingency planning without her. Such is life. But how do YOU feel? That's the only thing you have to go on. I suspect you're dealing with a carrot on a stick, so to speak. The reason you want her is because she's just out of reach, and it's driving you nuts. But if you got her, what would you have? A carrot. You know her already, so you know what you'd be getting. Is that what you want? That's up to you.-
TonyMontana1638
- Posts: 4598
- Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2005 11:10 pm
- Location: Chasing nuns out in the yard
I'll keep it brief, but missing someone with a certain amount of yearning involved does not necessarily constitute love (neither does an intense, tear-your-hair-out obsession obviously), it just means you guys were obviously pretty close and you still care about her. Don't get caugh up in the worrying that its love kinda-thing, if that's what you mean to an extent. I'm not a very worldly person, but worrying that you might be in love and not wanting to let go because of it is bad: I'm of the firm belief that when you're actually in love, you'll just know it. Some people here who have more experience in the matter may tell me I'm completely wrong, but that's my opinion. The 'carrot-out-of-reach' thing is classic too, but VD and Dar are right: I'd try some new stuff, meet new people (this doesn't constitute man-whoring necessarily unless that's what you're into ), try some new stuff.
), try some new stuff."Be thankful you're healthy."
"Be bitter you're not going to stay that way."
"Be glad you're even alive."
"Be furious you're going to die."
"Things could be much worse."
"They could be one hell of a lot better."
"Be bitter you're not going to stay that way."
"Be glad you're even alive."
"Be furious you're going to die."
"Things could be much worse."
"They could be one hell of a lot better."
I have dealt with long distance relationships before because people have moved. It's rough. REALLY rough. I'd suggest not getting involved with that.
However, I do know what it is like to want a relationship with someone who is not present and available to do so. There have been various reasons in regards to my personal situations with this. Yet, yours, I have dealt with before. Person 1 wants person 2 back, person 2 says no. Person 2 moves on with their life, person 1 gets pissed, person 2 moves away, then misses person 1 and wants back into person 1's life. Person 1 ends up having old feelings return for person 2 and is now confused on what to do.
I dealt with that with one person a few times. On one hand, you want to see how it works out. On another, you don't want to be hurt again. Then you think, will I regret not trying again, maybe I do love her? Then you think, is it worth being hurt again?
The thing I'd have to say is the biggest thing....you need closure, one way or the other. In order for that, the best way to get that done, is if you two were together in person for a length of time and were able to work that out. Short of that, it gets complicated to do so. You will continue to want that, and hence, continue to want and miss that person, regardless of how you would really feel in person with them over a length of time.
Is there any chance she is wanting to come back to be near you for any reason? If so, I would say go for it and take a chance. If not...I would say maybe you should keep yourself open to new experiences, and possibly express your interest in her and say "if only you were still around, we could try again." and leave it at that.
However, I do know what it is like to want a relationship with someone who is not present and available to do so. There have been various reasons in regards to my personal situations with this. Yet, yours, I have dealt with before. Person 1 wants person 2 back, person 2 says no. Person 2 moves on with their life, person 1 gets pissed, person 2 moves away, then misses person 1 and wants back into person 1's life. Person 1 ends up having old feelings return for person 2 and is now confused on what to do.
I dealt with that with one person a few times. On one hand, you want to see how it works out. On another, you don't want to be hurt again. Then you think, will I regret not trying again, maybe I do love her? Then you think, is it worth being hurt again?
The thing I'd have to say is the biggest thing....you need closure, one way or the other. In order for that, the best way to get that done, is if you two were together in person for a length of time and were able to work that out. Short of that, it gets complicated to do so. You will continue to want that, and hence, continue to want and miss that person, regardless of how you would really feel in person with them over a length of time.
Is there any chance she is wanting to come back to be near you for any reason? If so, I would say go for it and take a chance. If not...I would say maybe you should keep yourself open to new experiences, and possibly express your interest in her and say "if only you were still around, we could try again." and leave it at that.
"You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"
[QUOTE=TonyMontana1638]VD and Dar are right: I'd try some new stuff, meet new people (this doesn't constitute man-whoring necessarily unless that's what you're into ), try some new stuff.[/QUOTE]
Thanks for the acknowledgement, but that's not really what I was suggesting. Maybe the reason why Obsidian didn't make an emotional connection with any of the other women he mentioned is because he's not ready and they could tell. I'm all in favor of going out and having fun, but I think it's best to avoid being reckless if other people could get hurt. I didn't say any of this before because I don't know if Obsidian is ready to make a new emotional connection or not, and I didn't want to jump the gun.
[QUOTE=Magrus]I have dealt with long distance relationships before because people have moved. It's rough. REALLY rough. I'd suggest not getting involved with that.[/QUOTE]
So, really, there's another option that you didn't state explicitly: Obsidian could stop communicating with his ex-girlfriend and let it go. I was waiting for someone else to say that, because it didn't fit the rest of what I said in my last post. I don't want to sound self-contradictory.
A long time ago, when I was trying to get over a lost love, I put a note on my telephone that said "STOP" to keep myself from calling him. Not only did it help me resist the temptation, it also reminded me of all the reasons I knew why I should "stop". I stopped calling him, and eventually I had no desire to call him at all. I don't feel like I turned my back on him; I feel like I adjusted to the reality that we were no longer together and never would be again. I'm not going to make any more effort to justify that remark, so take it or leave it.
[QUOTE=Obsidian]Thanks for the excellent comments guys. I appreciate it.
Given me a lot more to think about, and a context to think about it in.[/QUOTE]
Always glad to help. I just thought of a few more things.
When I was 17, I spent the summer in Europe. It was my first big trip away from home. One of the things that struck me about traveling was that being away from home gave me a new perspective, and it made me look at my life in ways I had never seen it before. I resolved to make some important changes when I got back home, and I thought my life would never be the same again. Well, when I got back home, I was a little different, but home was exactly the same, and I realized that I couldn't make all of the changes I had planned.
I don't know if being in Australia has had the same effect on your ex-girlfriend. She might not be as impressionable and inexperienced as I was when I was 17. If she is used to traveling and being away from home, then she might not be experiencing what I experienced at all. But if she's resolving to do things differently now that she has a new perspective, I wouldn't put much faith in her ability to maintain her new resolve if she got back together with you. I figure most things would be the same as before. As the Player King said the Player Queen in Hamlet, "I do believe you think what now you speak; But what we do determine oft we break." From her vantage point in Australia, a new relationship with you might look appealing, but once she's back in your arms, she might change her mind again. As Mr. Spock told his ex-fiance, "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting."
Personally, I wouldn't want to take that chance, but it's up to you. If she's the one you want, maybe "a little" is better than nothing. Maybe simply knowing that she cares about you enough to give you a second chance would ease your troubled mind. What's the best-case scenario? I don't get the sense that it's lifetime commitment, so it might be something less than that. She might want to be with you for a while, but is it more than that? In the worst-case scenario, things will get even worse than they are now. (Heartbreak has no limits, and it can always get worse.) You have to figure out whether it's worth the risk.
In any case, it's interesting to see what other people have to say.
), try some new stuff.[/QUOTE]Thanks for the acknowledgement, but that's not really what I was suggesting. Maybe the reason why Obsidian didn't make an emotional connection with any of the other women he mentioned is because he's not ready and they could tell. I'm all in favor of going out and having fun, but I think it's best to avoid being reckless if other people could get hurt. I didn't say any of this before because I don't know if Obsidian is ready to make a new emotional connection or not, and I didn't want to jump the gun.
[QUOTE=Magrus]I have dealt with long distance relationships before because people have moved. It's rough. REALLY rough. I'd suggest not getting involved with that.[/QUOTE]
So, really, there's another option that you didn't state explicitly: Obsidian could stop communicating with his ex-girlfriend and let it go. I was waiting for someone else to say that, because it didn't fit the rest of what I said in my last post. I don't want to sound self-contradictory.
A long time ago, when I was trying to get over a lost love, I put a note on my telephone that said "STOP" to keep myself from calling him. Not only did it help me resist the temptation, it also reminded me of all the reasons I knew why I should "stop". I stopped calling him, and eventually I had no desire to call him at all. I don't feel like I turned my back on him; I feel like I adjusted to the reality that we were no longer together and never would be again. I'm not going to make any more effort to justify that remark, so take it or leave it.
[QUOTE=Obsidian]Thanks for the excellent comments guys. I appreciate it.
Given me a lot more to think about, and a context to think about it in.[/QUOTE]
Always glad to help. I just thought of a few more things.
When I was 17, I spent the summer in Europe. It was my first big trip away from home. One of the things that struck me about traveling was that being away from home gave me a new perspective, and it made me look at my life in ways I had never seen it before. I resolved to make some important changes when I got back home, and I thought my life would never be the same again. Well, when I got back home, I was a little different, but home was exactly the same, and I realized that I couldn't make all of the changes I had planned.
I don't know if being in Australia has had the same effect on your ex-girlfriend. She might not be as impressionable and inexperienced as I was when I was 17. If she is used to traveling and being away from home, then she might not be experiencing what I experienced at all. But if she's resolving to do things differently now that she has a new perspective, I wouldn't put much faith in her ability to maintain her new resolve if she got back together with you. I figure most things would be the same as before. As the Player King said the Player Queen in Hamlet, "I do believe you think what now you speak; But what we do determine oft we break." From her vantage point in Australia, a new relationship with you might look appealing, but once she's back in your arms, she might change her mind again. As Mr. Spock told his ex-fiance, "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting."
Personally, I wouldn't want to take that chance, but it's up to you. If she's the one you want, maybe "a little" is better than nothing. Maybe simply knowing that she cares about you enough to give you a second chance would ease your troubled mind. What's the best-case scenario? I don't get the sense that it's lifetime commitment, so it might be something less than that. She might want to be with you for a while, but is it more than that? In the worst-case scenario, things will get even worse than they are now. (Heartbreak has no limits, and it can always get worse.) You have to figure out whether it's worth the risk.
In any case, it's interesting to see what other people have to say.
-
TonyMontana1638
- Posts: 4598
- Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2005 11:10 pm
- Location: Chasing nuns out in the yard
[QUOTE=VonDondu]Thanks for the acknowledgement, but that's not really what I was suggesting. Maybe the reason why Obsidian didn't make an emotional connection with any of the other women he mentioned is because he's not ready and they could tell. I'm all in favor of going out and having fun, but I think it's best to avoid being reckless if other people could get hurt. I didn't say any of this before because I don't know if Obsidian is ready to make a new emotional connection or not, and I didn't want to jump the gun.[/QUOTE]
Then my apologies, and I suppose you're right: if he isn't ready for another serious relationship then I wouldn't advocate it either, but I'd just warn against isolating himself is all. I didn't mean immediately dive into something but I don't see any harm with at least being open to something new. Maybe actively seeking it isn't the best idea though, you make a good point.
Then my apologies, and I suppose you're right: if he isn't ready for another serious relationship then I wouldn't advocate it either, but I'd just warn against isolating himself is all. I didn't mean immediately dive into something but I don't see any harm with at least being open to something new. Maybe actively seeking it isn't the best idea though, you make a good point.
"Be thankful you're healthy."
"Be bitter you're not going to stay that way."
"Be glad you're even alive."
"Be furious you're going to die."
"Things could be much worse."
"They could be one hell of a lot better."
"Be bitter you're not going to stay that way."
"Be glad you're even alive."
"Be furious you're going to die."
"Things could be much worse."
"They could be one hell of a lot better."
-
winter rose
- Posts: 280
- Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2005 8:56 pm
- Contact:
Obsidian - Personally I think that other people such as myself or anybody that has replied in this thread, can give you all the advice in the world, but in all honesty only you know what might be best for you. Most of us will tell you based on what we've been through , and how it worked out for us. However, you're a completely different individual, and your situation is unique. Thus, although some aspects of your relationship/break up might be similar to ours, your issue is still something totally different.
Sometimes we think we're in love with somebody, yet it seems that circumstances led us to believe so, and it might not actually be true. At other times, we might be in love, yet we do not realize it IS love.
Anyhow the fact that you two were very close, missed each other, she wanted to get back together , does say a lot. I don't know how much is in it, but it does not seem like just a friendship.
Why she moved away much later than she informed you of, you have to find out. Ask her, if you do not know already. I think the key is talking to her, and asking her, where she/you plan to take this relationship. That would help you , possibly more than any advice we can give.
And all in all, whether she moved to the other side of the world, assuming you love each other, distance will be harder on you both, and will make things more complicated, but if you're both determined to make things work, and care about each other - it will work out for you.
A lot of people instantly think they can't do it if they are not living close enough, that is not true.
I have seen many relationships go through such issues, some of them come out stronger and they work out. But in order for it to work, both sides have to give it their all, and try their best.
All in all , I think you should think long and hard, and see if you care enough about this woman to want to be with her, if not, then move on. But you would not want to just leave it, if there is a possibility of it working out. That could be a mistake / regret.
Sometimes we think we're in love with somebody, yet it seems that circumstances led us to believe so, and it might not actually be true. At other times, we might be in love, yet we do not realize it IS love.
Anyhow the fact that you two were very close, missed each other, she wanted to get back together , does say a lot. I don't know how much is in it, but it does not seem like just a friendship.
Why she moved away much later than she informed you of, you have to find out. Ask her, if you do not know already. I think the key is talking to her, and asking her, where she/you plan to take this relationship. That would help you , possibly more than any advice we can give.
And all in all, whether she moved to the other side of the world, assuming you love each other, distance will be harder on you both, and will make things more complicated, but if you're both determined to make things work, and care about each other - it will work out for you.
A lot of people instantly think they can't do it if they are not living close enough, that is not true.
I have seen many relationships go through such issues, some of them come out stronger and they work out. But in order for it to work, both sides have to give it their all, and try their best.
All in all , I think you should think long and hard, and see if you care enough about this woman to want to be with her, if not, then move on. But you would not want to just leave it, if there is a possibility of it working out. That could be a mistake / regret.
A rose to her heart that heaven might bless.
I recognize in myself that I am often far more interested in the wanting than the having. More times than I care to recount I've, for lack of a better word, seduced women into my life. Once I have them, whatever attraction I felt for them quickly fades. So maybe this situation with my girl in Australia is the same, we were only together a few months, a good few months, but not that long. She is also distinct as being one of the few women who came after me.
Several of you have noted this doesn't seem like a long term kind of thing, and your right. I never had any intentions of a long term relationship with this girl, maybe I'm just missing the good times I had with her now that I'm alone.
If I met the right girl I'd definately be ok with a new relationship, and maybe that's it. I've done a bit of "man whoring" in the last while, and maybe the sudden introduction of getting back into a good old relationship caught my interest. Problem is I'll be leaving for the army again in less than a month, so, no relationships in the near future.
@ VD - My girl is 18 and this is her first major trip away from home, so your comments in regards to that is very interesting to read.
Thanks lots all, I appreciate it.
Several of you have noted this doesn't seem like a long term kind of thing, and your right. I never had any intentions of a long term relationship with this girl, maybe I'm just missing the good times I had with her now that I'm alone.
If I met the right girl I'd definately be ok with a new relationship, and maybe that's it. I've done a bit of "man whoring" in the last while, and maybe the sudden introduction of getting back into a good old relationship caught my interest. Problem is I'll be leaving for the army again in less than a month, so, no relationships in the near future.
@ VD - My girl is 18 and this is her first major trip away from home, so your comments in regards to that is very interesting to read.
Thanks lots all, I appreciate it.
The waves came crashing in like blindness.
So I just stood and listened.
So I just stood and listened.