As the title suggests, these are a bunch of random philosophical sayings that were just funny to me.
If you have more, please share them. (There is prolly a thread like this, but I searched a couple keywords, didn't find anything. So if there is, sorry about that).
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Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a night
Set a man afire he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last
LAW OF EXTRA CONTROLS-
"I hate washing machines, so many dials and knobs to twist ya know? I just wanna wash my clothes......not send them back in time." --Pat Dixon
LAW OF THE FIRST AMMENDMANT-
"I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability." --Ron White.
LAW OF PROPER MERCHANDISE-
"I think pringles original intention was to make tennis balls, but instead they got a whole lotta potatoes. Since pringles is a laid back company, they were like "cut'em up!" --Mitch Hedberg (rest in piece).
LAW OF NUCLEAR WARHEADS-
"Kim Jung Ll is testing another nuclear bomb in some abandoned mines, oh wow what is America scared about, the best that'll happen is Korea will startle some badgers!" --Steven Colbert.
LAW OF PROPER ENGLISH.
"It is the american countrianized job to militarize and strengthanize our troops to defeat the manipulatizers and terrorizers with strategery." --George Bush (sometime in his life I'm sure).
LAW OF SATIRE-
"My name is Josh! I have Cerebral pulsy, and I'm apart of the Special Olympics Soccer team. Umm....I guess for those who applauded, your happy that I'm supporting americans. And for those that didn't...umm...I guess you realize that I'm supporting americans." --Josh Blue.
LAW OF RELIGION-
"The bible is like those long disclamers that nobody reads yet they select "I agree" to." --Pat Dixon.
LAW OF THE INTERNETS-
"The internet....is a series of TUBES!" --Ted Stephens.
LAW OF THE NEWS-
"Oh, so Iraqis are more optimistic about their country than Americans are about ours? I don't think that helps you." --Jon Stewart
LAW OF MONEY HANDLING-
"Economists predict that this year's federal surplus will be $120 billion less than predicted in January. The missing $120 billion was reportedly last seen on a date with Congressman Gary Condit." --Dennis Miller
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
so your computer has 1 error on its HD... want to bet it crashes all the time no matter how minor the error
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
it will not be that minor error, your power cable burns out
Corollary: If there is a worst time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
you just typed 5 pages of text in small letters, but forgot to save
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
virus
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
why is it never my mouse or keyboard that breaks down instead of the motherboard?
If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something.
Life is a misperception of reality
Death is the failure to stay confused
If it works, use it.
If it hurts, don't do it, unless it's fun.
Time does not exist.
You don't exist therefore I can ignore you.
You can never get "there" so don't try.
Someone is always better than you.
Unfortunately it's neither 42, nor the Hokey Pokey.
Life is a game of Tetris.
Never set the cat on fire
Never pet a burning dog
Never juggle chainsaws
Never consume anything larger than your head
Never write graffiti if you can't spell
Never bring a knife to a gunfight
Never glomp people with spikes on their legs
Never taunt the happy fun ball
Never feed small furry animals after midnight
Never split up in a horror movie
Never volunteer in the army
Never subvocalize while reading
Always change your underwear
Always answer yes if someone asks if you're a god
Always bring a towel
Always bring duct tape
Always use your best weapon first
Always kill the mage first
Always remember that there are at least three answers to any
problem
Always keep your medic happy
Always have an escape plan
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Never lick a steak knife.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
always remember that it's easy to pretend to be inside an invisible box, but finding the exit is always difficult..
Education is a sexual disease, it makes you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you have the urge to pass it on..
Of the many philisophical sayings, these I've found the funniest.
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Siberys
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Of the many philisophical sayings, these I've found the funniest.
Listen up maggots, Mr. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order.
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
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dragon wench
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lmao, some good ones here 
I mean... in the winter, I'd rather have that extra hour of light in the late afternoon/early evening. In the morning, I just couldn't care less... chances are that I'll still be partially asleep, crouched over a steaming mug of coffee and generally cursing most things in existence. The amount of light outside my windows entirely escapes my notice
This is true and I have personal experience with it. I have yet to find anyone who can provide a sensible explanation for following this stupid custom...You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
I mean... in the winter, I'd rather have that extra hour of light in the late afternoon/early evening. In the morning, I just couldn't care less... chances are that I'll still be partially asleep, crouched over a steaming mug of coffee and generally cursing most things in existence. The amount of light outside my windows entirely escapes my notice
Spoiler
testingtest12
Spoiler
testingtest12
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Siberys
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I know the reason Daylight savings exists, it's not a sensible one, but it's a major one.
Marketing. A sports team can make a LOT more money with even just a single extra hour in the day, and when everything dies down in the spring and no one cares, just screw that hour, it saves time also saving money.
That could be wrong information, but it is logical even if it is wrong.
Marketing. A sports team can make a LOT more money with even just a single extra hour in the day, and when everything dies down in the spring and no one cares, just screw that hour, it saves time also saving money.
That could be wrong information, but it is logical even if it is wrong.
Listen up maggots, Mr. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order.
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
Daylight savings time was made in order to provide farmers and such more time during the day to get their work done if I am not mistaken. Why it is still in effect today, I do not know. The same for summer breaks from school.
"You can do whatever you want to me."
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"
"Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in the warehouse at the end of Raiders?"
"So funny, kiss me funny boy!" / *Sprays mace* " I know, I know, bad for the ozone"
Daylight savings exists so I can get an hour free sleep in the winter-half of the year when I need it more then I do in the summer half part of the year
So there...... in fact I think we should have about 15 or so Dayligh savings hours in the summer, so I can get more sleep in the winter.
So there...... in fact I think we should have about 15 or so Dayligh savings hours in the summer, so I can get more sleep in the winter.
Insert signature here.
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fable
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I'm told it's still in effect because it provides more daylight hours during heavy drive times.Magrus wrote:Daylight savings time was made in order to provide farmers and such more time during the day to get their work done if I am not mistaken. Why it is still in effect today, I do not know. The same for summer breaks from school.
To the Righteous belong the fruits of violent victory. The rest of us will have to settle for warm friends, warm lovers, and a wink from a quietly supportive universe.
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Philos
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Here's a decent site about Daylight Savings Times: History & info - Daylight Saving Time, early adoption, U.S. law
The idea of it goes as far back as Benjamin Franklin. President Woodrow Wilson signed it into law in 1918 (though it only lasted for 2 summers that time). President Roosevelt enacted year round DST called "Wartime" from early 1942 through most of 1945. Several refinments have been enacted over the years. The Uniform Time Act of 1966 finally made it permanent Federal Law. Surprisingly, a number of countries do use DST.
@Fable
But personally I feel it is not as beneficial as when first enacted. The one area of the U.S. that probably does benefit, The Northeast Corridor Megapolis, does contain a lot of commuters.
But the farther south you go, the less benefit DST has. The closer you get to the equator the less variation there is in the length of the day as the seasons change. I live near Memphis TN and leave for work at 7:00 AM. The sun is just starting to lighten the horizon by then. It is only October and if I read correctly, GWB has extended DST until the end of November. In another couple weeks I will have to leave for work (and arrive at work) in total darkness. People in New Orleans, South Texas, and Florida are probably already commuting in the dark for their morning commute. Over the past couple of decades a good number of people (and jobs) have moved south or southwest. Sure seems unfair to me that the entire country has to base it's time on what is beneficial for only one region IMHO.
However, getting back to the original thread topic:
Here are a couple of philosophies offered by the great "Murphy".
from Murphy's Rules of Combat:
"No plan survives first contact with the enemy."
"If your attack is going well, it is probably an ambush."
"The easy way is always mined."
"If you need 8' containers to ship your critical and vital equipment, you will only be issued 6' containers."
"Remember, tracers work 'both' ways."
The idea of it goes as far back as Benjamin Franklin. President Woodrow Wilson signed it into law in 1918 (though it only lasted for 2 summers that time). President Roosevelt enacted year round DST called "Wartime" from early 1942 through most of 1945. Several refinments have been enacted over the years. The Uniform Time Act of 1966 finally made it permanent Federal Law. Surprisingly, a number of countries do use DST.
@Fable
I think you're right about the rationale.I'm told it's still in effect because it provides more daylight hours during heavy drive times.
But personally I feel it is not as beneficial as when first enacted. The one area of the U.S. that probably does benefit, The Northeast Corridor Megapolis, does contain a lot of commuters.
But the farther south you go, the less benefit DST has. The closer you get to the equator the less variation there is in the length of the day as the seasons change. I live near Memphis TN and leave for work at 7:00 AM. The sun is just starting to lighten the horizon by then. It is only October and if I read correctly, GWB has extended DST until the end of November. In another couple weeks I will have to leave for work (and arrive at work) in total darkness. People in New Orleans, South Texas, and Florida are probably already commuting in the dark for their morning commute. Over the past couple of decades a good number of people (and jobs) have moved south or southwest. Sure seems unfair to me that the entire country has to base it's time on what is beneficial for only one region IMHO.
However, getting back to the original thread topic:
Here are a couple of philosophies offered by the great "Murphy".
from Murphy's Rules of Combat:
"No plan survives first contact with the enemy."
"If your attack is going well, it is probably an ambush."
"The easy way is always mined."
"If you need 8' containers to ship your critical and vital equipment, you will only be issued 6' containers."
"Remember, tracers work 'both' ways."
UNCOMMON VALOR WAS A COMMON VIRTUE
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Lady Dragonfly
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Godwin's Law: As an online discussion grows longer the probability of comparison involving Nazis and Hitler approaches one.
I think it was not among the "laws" quoted by Siberys but his list is so long; when I finally read the last phrase I already forgot the first fifty.
I think it was not among the "laws" quoted by Siberys but his list is so long; when I finally read the last phrase I already forgot the first fifty.
Man's most valuable trait is a judicious sense of what not to believe.
-- Euripides
-- Euripides
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Siberys
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New(ish) comedian off of Comedy Central.
I don't think that was a complete sentence, and I cannot make heads or tails of what it says.Godwin's Law: As an online discussion grows longer the probability of comparison involving Nazis and Hitler approaches one.
Listen up maggots, Mr. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order.
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
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Lady Dragonfly
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That means when the discussion in a thread is going on long enough somebody will eventually mention Nazis.Siberys wrote: I don't think that was a complete sentence, and I cannot make heads or tails of what it says.
Godwin's Law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Man's most valuable trait is a judicious sense of what not to believe.
-- Euripides
-- Euripides
LAW OF EXTRA CONTROLS-
"I hate washing machines, so many dials and knobs to twist ya know? I just wanna wash my clothes......not send them back in time." --Pat Dixon
LAW OF THE FIRST AMMENDMANT-
"I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability." --Ron White.
These both made me laugh out loud (really, I would have just typed LOL if I had just found them amusing).
The majority are corollaries to Murphy's Law
In the military you have to include:
There is nothing more acurate than friendly fire.
Interestingly although the phenomena has been around forever the Law was coined Murphy's Law during rocket sled trials in the 1950's :speech:
I am fond of Terry Pratchet's observation about miraculous escapes. Where he points out it is rarely the case that someone calls 'miraculous' the sequence of events that lead to a tragedy regardless how truely remarkable and utterly unlikely. - Curdis !
"I hate washing machines, so many dials and knobs to twist ya know? I just wanna wash my clothes......not send them back in time." --Pat Dixon
LAW OF THE FIRST AMMENDMANT-
"I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability." --Ron White.
These both made me laugh out loud (really, I would have just typed LOL if I had just found them amusing).
The majority are corollaries to Murphy's Law
In the military you have to include:
There is nothing more acurate than friendly fire.
Interestingly although the phenomena has been around forever the Law was coined Murphy's Law during rocket sled trials in the 1950's :speech:
I am fond of Terry Pratchet's observation about miraculous escapes. Where he points out it is rarely the case that someone calls 'miraculous' the sequence of events that lead to a tragedy regardless how truely remarkable and utterly unlikely. - Curdis !
The warlord sig of 's' - word
Making a reappearance for those who have a sig even longer
[quote="Dilbert]That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard[/quote]
[quote=Waverly]You all suck donkeys[/quote]
[quote={deleted after legal threats}]I am so not a drama queen![/quote"]
:mischief:
:devil:
Repent
For
Making a reappearance for those who have a sig even longer
[quote="Dilbert]That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard[/quote]
[quote=Waverly]You all suck donkeys[/quote]
[quote={deleted after legal threats}]I am so not a drama queen![/quote"]
:mischief:
:devil:
Repent
For
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Siberys
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He's on the newest season of Comedy Central Standup,
YouTube - THE SLACKERS TOUR (I think it shows his name, but if not, he's the second one talking about jeans being moist)
and apparently-
|| SlackersTour.Com ||2oo6|| From The Producers Of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour ||
YouTube - THE SLACKERS TOUR (I think it shows his name, but if not, he's the second one talking about jeans being moist)
and apparently-
|| SlackersTour.Com ||2oo6|| From The Producers Of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour ||
Listen up maggots, Mr. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order.
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
LAW OF RELIGION-
"The bible is like those long disclamers that nobody reads yet they select "I agree" to." --Pat Dixon.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
LAW OF SATIRE-
"My name is Josh! I have Cerebral pulsy, and I'm apart of the Special Olympics Soccer team. Umm....I guess for those who applauded, your happy that I'm supporting americans. And for those that didn't...umm...I guess you realize that I'm supporting americans." --Josh Blue.
Thats good stuff I agree with the first 2, definitely. Also with the many that said whatever can go wrong, will, in the worst possible manner and at the worst possible time.
Also, is the law of satire one an actual quote? If so, that guy is pretty sharp
"The bible is like those long disclamers that nobody reads yet they select "I agree" to." --Pat Dixon.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
LAW OF SATIRE-
"My name is Josh! I have Cerebral pulsy, and I'm apart of the Special Olympics Soccer team. Umm....I guess for those who applauded, your happy that I'm supporting americans. And for those that didn't...umm...I guess you realize that I'm supporting americans." --Josh Blue.
Thats good stuff
I agree with the first 2, definitely. Also with the many that said whatever can go wrong, will, in the worst possible manner and at the worst possible time.Also, is the law of satire one an actual quote? If so, that guy is pretty sharp
There are no stupid questions. Only stupid people.
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Siberys
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Buncha One Liners that make too much sense to me-
-Imagine oshkosh straightjackets for little insane children.
-I met this woman I really like and was wondering if there was ever such a thing as the opposite of a restraining order.
-What did jesus ever do for santa clause on his birthday.
-My girlfriend liked to waste time with her spare time.
-She would drink so much she would slur her pauses.
-She lived in a beautiful house, she had cathedral floors.
-She was a mail order brides name.
-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
-Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
-He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
-My nephew has HDADD, High definition attention deficite disorder. He can't pay attention all the time, but when he does is unbelievably clear.
-You know the earth is Bipolar.
-I've been emailing my answering machine which has been faxing my cell phone subconscious so when I'm thinking of something I can get back to it later.
-My dog has a website, it's all about naked cats.
-I'm thinking to myself, what would my life be like if I was born one day earlier, but it wouldn't actually change anything except I woulda asked that question yesterday.
-I tried to read my own girlfriends mind but it didn't work because I can't read my own mind.
-I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
-I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
-Next week I'm gonna have an MRI to find out if I have claustraphobia
-In school they told me practice makes perfect, but they also told me nobody's perfect, so I stopped practicing.
-In people's houses when they're gone I like to write things on there to do list. "Memorize distance of all planets.....Adopt a baby and then sell it on ebay."
-It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
-I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
-I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
-I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
-I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
-I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
-I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
-I bought a phone and the first thing I did was push redial. It started having a nervous breakdown.
-I bought an ipod and it could hold 5000 songs or one message from my mother.
-Today I was talking to myself, I was very polite and cordial, but I could tell I was lying.
-If heat rises then heaven might be hotter than hell."
-I might buy a plasma television in case I need a blood transfusion.
-Last night I was in a restaurant known as "Bulimias." The bathroom line was incredible.
-I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
-For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me,
'Did you sleep good?'
I said,
'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'.
How did a fool and his money
get together in the first place?
When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell,
or would heaven be a better punishment?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself.
Should Crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
If it's zero degrees outside today
and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
If you were going to shoot a mime,
would you use a silencer?
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard,
he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'
He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Since Americans throw rice at weddings,
do Asians throw hamburgers?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
how would we know?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Why isn't the word, 'phonetically'
spelled with an ' f '?
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep
in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were
showing up on TV's all over the world.
I have an inferiority complex.
But it's not a very good one.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Why are there 5 syllables
in the word "monosyllabic"?
I was trying to daydream,
but my mind kept wandering.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
He's gone now.
Do they give pilots crash courses
in flight school?
My grandfather likes to give me advise,
but he's a little forgetful.
One day, he took me aside
and left me there.
I'm a psychic amnesiac.
I know in advance what I'll forget
Something's wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman
Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I see far into the future....
Just way off to one side.
When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?
If you are killing time,
are you damaging eternity?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".
Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.
My friend got arrested for counterfeiting.
He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting
the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped
on the escalators.
I was born by Cesarean section.
But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house,
I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound,
can he still hear his Walkman?
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately,
extremely abstract.
No brush, no paint, no canvas,
I just think about it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
What do you do when you see an endangered
animal that eats only endangered plants?
Can you buy an entire chess set
in a pawn shop?
Why do they use sterile needles
for lethal injections?
Why are there braille dots on
the keypads at drive up ATMs?
-Imagine oshkosh straightjackets for little insane children.
-I met this woman I really like and was wondering if there was ever such a thing as the opposite of a restraining order.
-What did jesus ever do for santa clause on his birthday.
-My girlfriend liked to waste time with her spare time.
-She would drink so much she would slur her pauses.
-She lived in a beautiful house, she had cathedral floors.
-She was a mail order brides name.
-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
-Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
-He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
-My nephew has HDADD, High definition attention deficite disorder. He can't pay attention all the time, but when he does is unbelievably clear.
-You know the earth is Bipolar.
-I've been emailing my answering machine which has been faxing my cell phone subconscious so when I'm thinking of something I can get back to it later.
-My dog has a website, it's all about naked cats.
-I'm thinking to myself, what would my life be like if I was born one day earlier, but it wouldn't actually change anything except I woulda asked that question yesterday.
-I tried to read my own girlfriends mind but it didn't work because I can't read my own mind.
-I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
-I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
-Next week I'm gonna have an MRI to find out if I have claustraphobia
-In school they told me practice makes perfect, but they also told me nobody's perfect, so I stopped practicing.
-In people's houses when they're gone I like to write things on there to do list. "Memorize distance of all planets.....Adopt a baby and then sell it on ebay."
-It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
-I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
-I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
-I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
-I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
-I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
-I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
-I bought a phone and the first thing I did was push redial. It started having a nervous breakdown.
-I bought an ipod and it could hold 5000 songs or one message from my mother.
-Today I was talking to myself, I was very polite and cordial, but I could tell I was lying.
-If heat rises then heaven might be hotter than hell."
-I might buy a plasma television in case I need a blood transfusion.
-Last night I was in a restaurant known as "Bulimias." The bathroom line was incredible.
-I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
-For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me,
'Did you sleep good?'
I said,
'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'.
How did a fool and his money
get together in the first place?
When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell,
or would heaven be a better punishment?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself.
Should Crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
If it's zero degrees outside today
and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
If you were going to shoot a mime,
would you use a silencer?
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard,
he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'
He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Since Americans throw rice at weddings,
do Asians throw hamburgers?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
how would we know?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Why isn't the word, 'phonetically'
spelled with an ' f '?
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep
in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were
showing up on TV's all over the world.
I have an inferiority complex.
But it's not a very good one.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Why are there 5 syllables
in the word "monosyllabic"?
I was trying to daydream,
but my mind kept wandering.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
He's gone now.
Do they give pilots crash courses
in flight school?
My grandfather likes to give me advise,
but he's a little forgetful.
One day, he took me aside
and left me there.
I'm a psychic amnesiac.
I know in advance what I'll forget
Something's wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman
Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I see far into the future....
Just way off to one side.
When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?
If you are killing time,
are you damaging eternity?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".
Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.
My friend got arrested for counterfeiting.
He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting
the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped
on the escalators.
I was born by Cesarean section.
But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house,
I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound,
can he still hear his Walkman?
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately,
extremely abstract.
No brush, no paint, no canvas,
I just think about it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
What do you do when you see an endangered
animal that eats only endangered plants?
Can you buy an entire chess set
in a pawn shop?
Why do they use sterile needles
for lethal injections?
Why are there braille dots on
the keypads at drive up ATMs?
Listen up maggots, Mr. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order.
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
Good stuff. The first one made me laugh and the second two made me think. Here is one of my favorite quotes:Siberys wrote:Buncha One Liners that make too much sense to me-
-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Why isn't the word, 'phonetically'
spelled with an ' f '?
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
Thomas Jefferson- "I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past."