Love in the Age of Google

[dragon wench]

[url="http://www.businessweek.com/ap/financialnews/D8ODOUR00.htm"]Love in the Age of Google[/url]
By MARTHA IRVINE
CHICAGO

Dating used to be largely a matter of spending time with a love interest, discovering the good, the bad and the ugly in person. If you were lucky, friends helped fill in some of the blanks.

These days, the Internet -- and the ability to check people out before they ever meet up -- has forever changed the rules.

For better or worse, "googling" your date has become standard practice.

"I often tell my friends that are still in the dating sphere to use the power of Google to their advantage," says Katie Laird, a 24-year-old Web marketing professional and self-proclaimed "social software geek" from Houston.

The results can be enlightening, surprising -- and sometimes, a little disturbing. So Laird's advice also comes with a warning: "Don't google what you can't handle."

Hers is the voice of experience. In her dating life, she regularly did online research on her dates and turned up, among other things, "bizarre" fetishes and a guy who was fascinated with vampires.

"Not my scene at all," Laird says, "and nothing I would've ever guessed over an initial meeting and beer."

She also had to contend with an on-again, off-again boyfriend who googled her on a daily basis to try and track her every move. The story did end happily, however, when she met her future husband online.

In some ways, having a social networking page -- or pages -- has become the new calling card. It's a way for people to check out photos and find out what they have in common, even when they've already met in person.

That was the case for Brad White, a 23-year-old recent college grad in Chicago, who met his current girlfriend through friends at a bar -- and immediately looked her up on Facebook. "The commonality of our music taste and friends is what prompted me to ask her out," White says, "obviously, besides the attraction."

The details people find also can provide a few talking points to get past the initial awkwardness of a first date -- though not everyone likes to admit that they've done their research.

"It seems like in contemporary dating, it's this elaborate dance between two people who already know a lot of what their date is talking about, but they can't admit it," says David Silver, an assistant professor of media studies at the University of San Francisco who studies online culture.

"You nod your head with curiosity, but you already know what they're going to say."

Even he is amazed at the level of information that can be dug up these days.

With a little creativity and Internet savvy, a person can find anything from blog postings to news stories that might include personal details -- and whether people are telling the truth about their age and where they've lived.

It helps to know some basic details upfront, such as an e-mail address that could help turn up an online nickname; some go as far as paying for an online background check.

Often, though, information is almost too easy to find.

MaryBeth Moore discovered that after she got a call from a guy her mother's hairdresser suggested as a good match. At first, Moore was game. But then she checked out his MySpace page and found photos showing him naked in a bath tub.

"Don't worry -- I canceled the date," says Moore, who's 24 and lives in West Palm Beach, Fla.

There's also the problem of mistaken identity.

Lisa Phillips, a 31-year-old San Franciscan, was not pleased, for instance, when a search of online images turned up photos of a porn star who shares her name. She can laugh about it now.

"But it's definitely NOT the first impression I want to make with my dates," she says. "Very embarrassing."

It's a big reason people should take the information they find online "with a grain of salt," says Dr. Paul Dobransky, a Chicago-based psychiatrist and author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love."

He says there's nothing wrong with doing a little online homework -- but thinks the focus should remain on face-to-face interaction to make a final judgment.

"Our minds are more made for in-person, slow contact in getting to know one another," Dobransky says.

In the end, Danielle Martinetti says online research really only helps to a point, anyway. "The crazy stuff usually becomes apparent on the actual date," the 30-year-old New Yorker says.

"No amount of online searching is going to tell you that a person has issues with his mother, loves to be described as a George Clooney look-alike, has an overzealous obsession with hand sanitizer, or that he prefers to sit facing the door in a restaurant 'just in case.'"

While I can understand people researching their dates I suppose.... I find the whole practice more than a little disturbing.
Thoughts?

[BlueSky]

Thoughts?

I think I'd rather eat Spam......:laugh:

I've always thought of any online info as being an invasive of my privacy, being as how it is usually posted without one's permission or knowledge.
Although I do have to add that my cousin used an online dating site and has been successful in finding a wonderful significant other.

[dragon wench]

Thoughts?

I think I'd rather eat Spam......:laugh:

I've always thought of any online info as being an invasive of my privacy, being as how it is usually posted without one's permission or knowledge.
Although I do have to add that my cousin used an online dating site and has been successful in finding a wonderful significant other.

I agree entirely (though I'm not too sure about the eating of spam part )
I really don't like when information that has been posted without the person's consent is researched, to my mind it makes that sense of invasion so much worse. The thing is, I also don't really like it when people go looking up blogs and such posted by their love interest. It just seems so very wrong to me...
I can, I suppose, understand it to a degree, but it is not something I would personally do. Where circumstances allow, I think that gradually getting to know one another, slowly unfolding a complexity of layers, is far more preferable to rooting around and effectively spying on somebody without their knowledge. This is a major reason why I would never keep a public blog.

[Monolith]

Call me conservative, but I prefer the old way. I like suprises, I like getting to know somebody through face-to-face interaction and I prefer the mystery and the "initial awkwardness of a first date". One look in the eyes tells me more than a whole myspace-page.

[Moonbiter]

The girls who work for me Google every man they encounter. Me and the male employees can't believe our ears. They have the stalker thing down to a pat, and can't see that there's anything wrong with it. If they are invited on a date, they'll dig up every detail they can on the person they're meeting, and discuss it between them Psychos!

[BlueSky]

Call me conservative, but I prefer the old way. I like suprises, I like getting to know somebody through face-to-face interaction and I prefer the mystery and the "initial awkwardness of a first date". One look in the eyes tells me more than a whole myspace-page.

Well put Monolith...
I don't think that the relationship that I have now, would have happened in a google type atmosphere....
it was the face to face meeting that made the difference.

[Kipi]

Also, when googling up information, can you even trust that the results give you the correct picture? And even further, how on earth do you manage to find any specific info about specific person with googling, if he or she isn't somewhat known person has done something which has gotten people's attention?

For example, inspired by this thread, I tried to google (and used several other searching engines and methods), and I wasn't able to find even single peace of information of myself from net.

So, basically if you try to find information of specific normal person, you must know rather specifically where to look at.

Also, about the correctnes of information, how can you be sure the information is even close to truth? For example, if someone who knew my name here in GB tried to figure out what kind of person I'm in real life, it would be rather hard and the assumptions would probably be rather inaccure. Yes, some general information would be possible to gather, like the fact that I listen metal and play certain type of games, but hardly anything else.

Same goes to myspace and such. How can you be sure that the information isn't inaccurate, maybe even exaggerated? Many tend to do that because the anonymity which the internet offers is too tempting. I know this as I have done it (not revealing you how much of that happens here in my part )

So, after all this rambling, I say I trust more to the "normal" ways to find out about different persons, as that way you usually get the best and most accurate picture.

Of course, some dating service in internet may be good to certain type of people. But I'm not that kind of person.

[Lady Dragonfly]

I think somebody has to actually post information about himself/herself first, right? Otherwise, how can you possibly find anything about that person? Of course, somebody else can maliciously post compromising information/pictures/videos without the person's in question knowledge or consent (and it happens way too often), but why create the potential problem by making those videos etc. in the first place? I think it is at least unwise.

I suppose a lot of people have official information about them (or their business) on-line, but unless this information is about being a sex offender, child molester and such, no harm done.

Actually, not long time ago I've googled my forum name and was very embarassed to find out that it was used more widely (and liberally) than I expected. I don't mind art or books, but an "erotic" site is a bit too much... Anyway, for the record, I've never had any personal web site of any kind, never posted pictures/videos of any kind...

Dating service? NEVER. I am very conservative in this aspect (and in many others too )

[dragon wench]

I think somebody has to actually post information about himself/herself first, right? Otherwise, how can you possibly find anything about that person? Of course, somebody else can maliciously post compromising information/pictures/videos without the person's in question knowledge or consent (and it happens way too often), but why create the potential problem by making those videos etc. in the first place? I think it is at least unwise.

I agree concerning the posting of information about one's self. As I said above, this is one reason why I would never, ever keep a public blog. I simply can't imagine why anybody would want to share the intimate details of their lives in a place that all can read. Of course, I also don't understand the people that get on talk shows and reveal all....

Regarding the stuff that gets put up without consent, my feeling is that it is very wrong. Sure, the safest is to simply not engage in such activities in the first place, but it is also about trust. For example (and so we are clear here, it's as not as though I'd actually do this ), if I were to have some nude photos taken of myself and I sent them to somebody close to me, they would be betraying my trust if they posted them online, and I'd have very right to be utterly furious.

[DarthMarth]

crime against nature. Chemical reactions don't occur on the internet.

[dragon wench]

crime against nature. Chemical reactions don't occur on the internet.

Meaning what precisely?

[The Z]

One word: Facebook!

[Chimaera182]

Speaking as someone who's gotten all his dates online, I don't really see the problem. It's not as if dating hasn't evolved before: there was a time where young girls had their marriages arranged to guys three times their age, simply out of monetary or societal gain. Those who are uncomfortable with this kind of meeting of potential mates are just used to the so-called "traditional" version of dating. But really, meeting someone online is about the same as it is meeting someone at a bar or a party (with only the possibility of misrepresentation of appearances being thrown in). I saw some mention issues of privacy. If you put your information out there for someone to read, you aren't going to be so concerned with privacy. If you do have a problem with it, you aren't as likely to indulge in meeting people in such a way. Once you ascertain that you have similar interests, then you can meet in person. In some cases, it alleviates the first-date awkwardness and tension; in other cases, it makes it worse. All in all, sounds basically the same as if you met this person in a public place before going on a first date.

[dragon wench]

@Chim,
I don't especially disagree with you. In my view, getting to know somebody online isn't really all that different.

But, my sense of the article is that people are googling the individuals they meet even if it is in 3D (i.e "RL").... and I think that changes the dynamic a bit.
Now let's assume I were single. I would be quite angry to find out that somebody I had met in RL and was dating had decided to look me up on Google...
As it stands, unless they knew my GB handle, they wouldn't be able to do anything like that because my real name isn't out there (well it is, but somebody who shares my name is listed as being a botonist or something :laugh: ). But that's not really the point, I don't have a blog or anything similar to check out, and therefore if somebody did try to look me up it would indeed be intrusive and an invasion of my privacy because I would have done nothing to invite it. In my view, I choose to share things about myself with somebody else at my own leisure and discretion, and if they try to dig before I'm ready to share, that's it, game over and they're out.

[DesR85]

I agree with Monolith here, to be honest. Meeting someone (or practically anybody) face-to-face is still much better than meeting someone online. Anybody can lie online but it's much harder to lie about yourself in real life. Also, I don't post real information online as I don't want to be a target to internet-related threats (As what the Rangers in Company of Heroes say: "Don't be a target!"). So don't expect to dig up accurate information about me.

[Chimaera182]

DW: But who is the one who is putting the information on the web? Most likely you, and if that's the case, you have to expect that someone is going to browse you sooner or later. For stuff like MySpace and Facebook and others, the information is almost totally supplied by the user (you can glean little tidbits from comments from other users, though).

Des: It is just as easy to lie in person as it is to lie online. You just can't get away with stuff like lying about your looks in a face-to-face. It's a similar problem with those love ads you see in newspapers or magazines, and you read their stats, call them to arrange a date, and discover that the tall dark and buxom lady with curves looked that way twenty years ago.

[mr_sir]

Its actually quite surprising how well you can get to know someone online. I met my best and closest friend online, and we were a couple for a while until we decided we made better friends than lovers. We both know everything about each other and tell each other things we would never tell anyone else, and that trust was built up because we originally got to know each other through talking on msn without any of the added complications that you can get when you are getting to know someone in real life. Because we didn't know each other in person, neither of us felt the need to put on an act and could just be ourselves. Then after being good online friends for over a year, we finally decided to meet up and we barely spent the next 5 months apart. Even after we split up, we are still so close that we phone each other and speak to each other every day and see each other whenever we can. I really do not think that in real life circumstances the two of us would ever have even met so in my case the internet actually provided me with my best and closest friend and I know she feels the same way.

I agree with DW that actively researching someone online is a bit morally wrong and if I found out someone had been researching me then it would be over before it even began. But I also agree with Chim that there is nothing wrong with meeting people online, and often it actually helps you get to know each other a lot better and a lot quicker than when you have all the extra complications of trying to impress each other when you first meet etc.

@Des, it is just as easily to be conned by someone in real life as it is to be conned online. The world is full of people who lie about who they are, that is not a trait that is limited to people on the internet.

[DesR85]

Des: It is just as easy to lie in person as it is to lie online. You just can't get away with stuff like lying about your looks in a face-to-face. It's a similar problem with those love ads you see in newspapers or magazines, and you read their stats, call them to arrange a date, and discover that the tall dark and buxom lady with curves looked that way twenty years ago.

That, I agree. Then, it's really pointless do find information about the said individual online as the information about that particular individual are bound to be false (most of it). If it's online, I understand the reason people will not post information about themselves because of privacy and security reasons. What puzzles me most is why are there some people who are willing to post real information of themselves when the web is such an dangerous place.

[Malta Soron]

Also, when googling up information, can you even trust that the results give you the correct picture? And even further, how on earth do you manage to find any specific info about specific person with googling, if he or she isn't somewhat known person has done something which has gotten people's attention?

For example, inspired by this thread, I tried to google (and used several other searching engines and methods), and I wasn't able to find even single peace of information of myself from net.

When I google my name, I always find a guy with the same name who is the CEO of some Linux company. How'd that look for a job interview?

I suppose a lot of people have official information about them (or their business) on-line, but unless this information is about being a sex offender, child molester and such, no harm done.

At a society I'm in, we once had an membership application from a guy who, when googled, appeared to have some strange sexual preferences (SM, group sex, that kinda >possible expletive< - Maharlika I don't know the specifics). Combined with his degrading view of women, that made the administration kick him out immediately.

I agree concerning the posting of information about one's self. As I said above, this is one reason why I would never, ever keep a public blog. I simply can't imagine why anybody would want to share the intimate details of their lives in a place that all can read. Of course, I also don't understand the people that get on talk shows and reveal all....

To get attention, I guess. Some time ago I read an article (I don't know where anymore) about some research which showed that people don't get happy from listening to others, but when others listen to them.

It's not as if dating hasn't evolved before: there was a time where young girls had their marriages arranged to guys three times their age, simply out of monetary or societal gain.

Two times, actually. IIRC in late-medieval (15th or 16 century) Italy it was custom for men to marry in their late 20's and for women to marry when they were still teenagers (a concept which, by the way, wasn't yet developed back then). One reason for the young age at which women married, was to make full use of the woman's fertile years, which is needed for sustained demographic growth. (The age at which people marry is a major part of the than valid Malthusian laws of demographic growth.)

@Malta Soron: It would be better if you write this: ( >expletive<) instead of using asterix (****) as this can be misconstrued as you actually using a prohibited word that was caught by the forum's word filter. Thanks. -Maharlika-

EDIT: IIRC I did write an expletive word Sorry.
(AFAIK the word concerned is considered less bad here in the Netherlands than in the US, but that's of course no excuse.)

[dragon wench]

DW: But who is the one who is putting the information on the web? Most likely you, and if that's the case, you have to expect that someone is going to browse you sooner or later. For stuff like MySpace and Facebook and others, the information is almost totally supplied by the user (you can glean little tidbits from comments from other users, though).

Er... No. What I stated is that I'd be angry if somebody attempted to research me online, while also stating that since I do not blog etc. they'd come up empty-handed. Sorry, maybe I was not clear enough. The point I am making here is that I'd be angry if somebody researched me online and that considering I don't participate in places like MySpace it would not be me putting information up, hence I would not be inviting this sort of behaviour and it would constitute an attempted invasion of my privacy. Were I to tell somebody that I game and were I to supply them with my GB handle, then sure, I'd be giving them the tools to look me up to a certain degree. But, this is not something I would do, at least not until I knew them well.
I should also make clear that what I have said above applies expressly to real life situations in which you meet somebody, say in a cafe, start dating, and they decide to check you out online. I am not talking about OL relationships here at all.

As far as OL relationships go, I concur with Mr.Sir. I have several close OL friends whom I have known for quite a number of years, some I have even ended up meeting in person. It is actually quite extraordinary how well you can get to know somebody online, and I feel that online relationships are a natural extension of this. I know quite a few people who have fallen in love online and ended up in wonderful relationships. Sure, there are potential pitfalls, but that is also true of real life friendships and relationships. I actually think that in some ways it is more difficult for somebody to lie online if you know them for a sustained period. People reveal a great deal, often subconsciously, in how they write, and if you are perceptive it is quite easy to pick up on this. Also, if it takes quite a long time for people to actually meet in person it means they have been spending a fair amount of time OL together, and very few individuals, I suspect, can maintain a fake persona forever, especially when everything can potentially have a written record, thus making any inconsistencies glaringly obvious.

Finally, while I still balk at people in online relationships researching one another, I suppose I do understand it a little bit better, because psychologically it likely gives an additional layer of security in the absence of visual cues such as facial gestures and the like. As I said though, if you are perceptive while online, it is easy enough to sense a snake in the grass.