To Spank or Not to spank?

[sparky_kat]

I recently came across a forum that debated this and found it interesting..... there were many view as to why a parent spanked or would spank, and for not spanking. So i thought i would ask the people of SYM on their views..... BUT PLEASE!!!! be nice and open to everyones views. On the other forum people were starting to be mean, rude and trying to bash others, i hope to not see that here.
I also added a poll in case some want to contribute without adding their thoughts, it will only be open for 30 days

[sparky_kat]

For my view, i have an 8 month old son who is great, now i definately don't spank as he is way to young to even start to know what a spank is. but when he gets older and can understand the concept of a spank, i might spank, but ONLY if it is warranted, like if doing something very dangerous to self or others, NEVER in anger and he will know the reason as i will explain why it was that the spank happened, and spank only as a last resort. I hope that the need never comes for me to spank, as what parent wants to spank. For me personally, and generations of both sides of my families, spanking has been used for discipline and it has seemed to work, we grew up respectful, mindful of others, and grew up knowing right from wrong, and none of us felt like we were abused and didnt grow up fearful of our parents. Wether it was the spankings or not, we will never know.

[dragon wench]

Interesting topic...

Here's a story from somebody who has a 12-yr-old, and who had some very idealistic views on child raising...

OK, I guess I'm still something of an idealist, but..
When I was pregnant and our son was still an infant I vowed I would never, ever, spank him. Then he got into his toddler phase.. As it turned out, he was an extremely high maintenance and willful child. He was also prone to extraordinary bursts of temper. There were times when a single, sharp smack on the posterior was the *only* way to snap him out of it, nothing else worked. If we put him into his room he would just scream blue murder for hours at a time. It was not unlike having to slap somebody across the face in the event of hysterics.

So, my view is that it is best to avoid spanking whenever possible and to only use it as a last resort.

[fable]

I don't see how pro or anti-spanking yields a useful result. There are too many variables. How often do you spank, and why? How long, when you do so? Do you explain to the child why, or not? Do you use any other form of physical punishment? When do you start spanking?

Can't really see discussing this unless a lot more variables like those above are included in the discussion. For myself, my mother spanked a lot, repeatedly, and angrily, while shouting, then graduated to slapping and punching whenever she didn't like something, which she kept up into my teens. Can't really see fitting that into the old pro/anti dichotomy.

[dragon wench]

Yeah other poll choices should have more grey areas and should probably include something like:

* I dislike the whole notion of spanking, but sometimes it's a last resort

* I am wholly opposed to spanking when used in an excessive and abusive manner

etc. You get the idea

[Siberys]

Not really a spanking fan, always found that you can find a fitting punishment if need be without being physical.

And I don't mean time out or really anything you'll find on Nanny 911. After watching all 9 seasons of roseanne these past two weeks, I have so many ways to effectively punish a kid now just waiting to be used (course, I don't even have a wife yet let alone a kid.)

[dragon wench]

Not really a spanking fan, always found that you can find a fitting punishment if need be without being physical.

And I don't mean time out or really anything you'll find on Nanny 911. After watching all 9 seasons of roseanne these past two weeks, I have so many ways to effectively punish a kid now just waiting to be used (course, I don't even have a wife yet let alone a kid.)

I'd be curious to know what some of those ways are.
I suspect a lot of it depends on the individual child as well. We never over-indulged our son, but even so alternate tactics like negotiation, soothing music, massage, aromatherapy oils and so on often did not work...
Yes, we tried a lot of the more "New Age" methods, and yet sometimes despite our aversion to spanking, it ended up that way
Could be our son was (is) exceptionally stubborn. He'd certainly come by it honestly if that were the case...

[kathycf]

To be perfectly frank...one of the reasons I don't have children is because of being brutalized as a child. I am far too afraid of repeating that cycle. That isn't to suggest the occasional spanking is abusive...I am not saying that.

Again, there are more things to consider about the issue. My friend was able to use timeouts very effectively with her daughter and on the rare occasions that didn't do the trick, she got a light smack across the hand and an explanation of why. I don't know if that was the best way to deal with misbehaving...I think parents need to find what works best for them. Hopefully any sort of corporeal punishment is a last resort.

[Siberys]

I'd be curious to know what some of those ways are.
I suspect a lot of it depends on the individual child as well. We never over-indulged our son, but even so alternate tactics like negotiation, soothing music, massage, aromatherapy oils and so on often did not work...
Yes, we tried a lot of the more "New Age" methods, and yet sometimes despite our aversion to spanking, it ended up that way
Could be our son was (is) exceptionally stubborn. He'd certainly come by it honestly if that were the case...

Well, I found that blackmail is a rather nice punishment.

Here's an example, lets say the man knows that the woman's punishments can be more severe according to the child. The child is caught in a punishable act, and the man blackmails the child into say doing double the amount of chores around the house with no allowance and the man will keep his mouth shut to the woman about what the child did to deserve punishment.

Not only does the man get more housework done without having to fork over a weekly allowance to the child for some time, but it's still a fitting punishment and the child has that fear instilled in him that if he isn't a good boy, the man might tattle to the woman.

Best part, no psychological damage whatsoever.

[fable]

Best part, no psychological damage whatsoever.

Except that it teaches the child two things: 1) Hide all evidence that might incriminate you, or find somebody else as the fall guy; 2) Get blackmail on others, against the time when they'll get blackmail on you.

The problem with blackmail is that it's a psychological game. Kids pick up very quickly on games, and make them their own. I question whether this one is the kind you'd want to teach a child. Just my POV.

[Siberys]

Except that it teaches the child two things: 1) Hide all evidence that might incriminate you, or find somebody else as the fall guy; 2) Get blackmail on others, against the time when they'll get blackmail on you.

Precisely, no psychological damage whatsoever.

[DesR85]

I have nothing against spanking. As what the others had mentioned, it depends on the circumstances. If you use spanking to discipline your child, I have no qualms with that. I'd consider this action more like tough love than torture, in my opinion. Enough said.

[AmpaSand]

They recently illeagalised it in NZ and all cases of it get reviewed by Child Youth and Family. They can take your kidds off you!

[Dottie]

I'm firmly against spanking in any circumstance for the following reasons:

One of the big problems with assuring the safety and health of children is that the core family is a very closed unit. It's hard for anyone to oversee what goes on inside. If spanking is illegal, and never used by most healthy parents it would mean that any sign that a child have been exposed to physical violence is a reason for further investigation. If spanking is legal and many healthy parents uses it as a discipline method then it gets harder to detect the cases where children are severely abused.

In addition to this I believe a more relaxed attitude towards physical punishment might blur the line between discipline and abuse for more insecure and psychologically unhealthy parents.

[sinbad71]

i am all for spanking,as long as its used in the correct way. If its used as re inforcement to remind the individual that what they have done is wrong.

But if its used just because a child is crying etc then that is definitely not acceptable.

Having been on the receiving end of a few well deserved spankings in my time, it has given me a a very clear definition of whats wrong and whats right.

Hence vote of pro spanking.

[QuenGalad]

Is it really "a reinforcement of showing that what you done was wrong"? Or is it a show of domination from the parent, the "i'm stronger so you must obey" message? It was the latter in my father's case. He liked it, even now he does that to his dog, since there are no children to beat. But one lunatic shouldn't be our example.

The problem is, when hitting your child gets the job done, you're satisfied with that. You stop thinking about better ways. Also, you never know if the child understands why it is being hit, or is just scared of more. And you teach it that violence can be excused, if the one using it "is right". And that's a terrible thing to teach.

[GawainBS]

I would strees the importance of using it as a last resort. Simply using it as a disciplinary action all the time doesn't teach your child anything, except maybe fear for you. And many parents seem to make the mistake of fear = respect.
I only got one spank ever, and that was, as I was told years later, because I wouldn't stop putting my fingers in the electric plug /wall thingie. (Not sure about the English word: the place in the wall where you plug in electric stuff to make it work?)
But I also grew up knowing right from wrong and being respectfull of others, so I see no reason to include spanking in the "standardpackage" of raising kids.

[Mace Panda Poo]

the man will keep his mouth shut to the woman about what the child did to deserve punishment...... and the child has that fear instilled in him that if he isn't a good boy, the man might tattle to the woman.

I don't think this is a very good thing todo; doing this makes the child think that the mother is an ogre. Both parents should work together, not drag the child further from the other parent to save a weeks allowance or get a few extra chores done.

[Chanak]

Different children...different stages of development...both call for different disciplinary methods. The method you use in spanking (and your reasoning and practice of it) is critical and decides whether I find it appropriate or not. In my own experience, I found spanking most effective with post-infant to pre-teen children. Older children will invariably resent any attempts at physical punishment, and in the case of infants, it is wasted and in my opinion not very healthy for the child. Also, in my opinion spanking should *never* be done while you are angry or emotionally upset (either at the child, or about anything else). Screaming and yelling...or even worse, calling a child derogatory names...is terrible and shouldn't happen, period. I have witnessed that sort of thing all too often.

A child should never be disciplined in any fashion just to make the parent "feel better." By the same token, I think we shouldn't refrain from disciplining a child because we would feel terrible about it. That's a huge problem with parents, especially here in the U.S. If discipline is used for a child's benefit then it becomes part of our role as parents...providing the children in our charge with food, shelter, love, acceptance, and education and guidance to become the person they want to be when they mature into adulthood.

So in a nutshell...some children might indeed require corporal punishment in order for the undesirability of their actions/behaviors to be successfully communicated to them (that is the reason behind why I would spank a child...and the only one). Other children might not ever need such a thing. I think as adults and parents we should make the effort to understand what each of our children needs and give them the very best that we can.

[Siberys]

I don't think this is a very good thing todo; doing this makes the child think that the mother is an ogre. Both parents should work together, not drag the child further from the other parent to save a weeks allowance or get a few extra chores done.

Yes, I know, I was spamming this thread a bit with what I thought was an obviously sarcastic response to what I'd actually do to a child.