The Why thread of SYM

C Elegans · Post by **C Elegans** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 5:15 pm

Magrus wrote:Regardless of her actions, I had a choice and that choice was 100% my responsibility.

Cuchulain82] When I said that each partner should accept half the blame wrote:
Whereas I would agree with Cuchulain in many aspects of relationship conflicts, I think Magrus is doing the best thing in this particular situation. The other person cannot be held partly responsible because she has the choice to leave. She didn't choose Magrus behaviour, in fact she had no way of influencing it. Thus it is absurd to claim that she is partly responsible for his choice.

Serious let downs like lying about something important, cheating, not doing something important you have promised to do, has a very destructive effect on relationships. The best way to start trying to repair the damage is to accept full responsibility for your choices, and not blame the other person, not even partly. Explanation why it happened is necessary, and the explanation can very well include your partners behaviour, but not in a blaming manner. You must make it clear that explanation is something totally different from excuse. So I think Magrus is doing the best thing here, but it's not certain it will help - if you loose your confidence and trust in a person, you may loose your love and lust too, sometimes.

Magrus] I'm getting scared though wrote:
I don't know your gf, but I would not exclude that there will never be an explosion, just a sad notion that she was right all the time, she shouldn't have involved herself in a close relationship, she should have kept her distance, it was not worth it...I know you know this was an extremely stupid thing to do when you have a fresh girlfriend who just recently accepted to committ herself to a serious relationship with you. My advice is: be vigilant, look out for signs that she is distancing herself emotionally from you. Many people in a similar situation like hers will not explode, the will just cease trusting the other person until no closeness is left anymore and the relationship has corroded.

Locke] WHY is it so hard to regain trust? [/quote] Psychologically speaking wrote:
and i know about the thing "you can't know when the other one is lying if she/he has lied to you and then confessed it and you start wondering has she/he lied to you before and just afraid of telling you even if she has promised to tell it."

that one just sucks the joy of life out of me. if i only could regain my 100%trust for her i might die because one can't be truly happy. isn't that against human nature or smth?

To say something demoralising but unfortunately true: people who have once cheated on their partners are more likely to do so again than people who have never cheated on their partner. Sad but statistically true. Statistical truths are at group level though, so it says nothing about your particular case.

Sadly, and painfully, trust is something you have to choose now. Once a person has been betrayed, trust doesn't come spontaneous again, it has to be choosen and worked for. At this point, she can probably do very little to make you regain your trust, you have to make a decision and start believing. If you want to continue your relationship, you must choose to trust her. There is no other alternative.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 9:25 am

she hasn't cheated me. atleast not that i know of. but she has "left something unsaid" it's smth that happened before we started to go steady(she told me about it about 6months after it happened) and now i wonder what will she confess to me.. i guess the only thing left is to move in with her and get my imagination back in my control... that's atleast what i want to do, but there are many complications on that.. personal problems.

@CE: I have no idea how you find the effort/energy of helping ppl you don't know(IRL) but i do thank you for it. your advice have helped me in my current relationship...

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 3:28 pm

[QUOTE=Darth Zenemij]odd, that is what my ex was called throught school, that is strange.[/QUOTE]

Is that what she looked like?

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 3:32 pm

There is a stunning resemblance.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 5:38 pm

[QUOTE=Darth Zenemij]There is a stunning resemblance.[/QUOTE]

The situations she dissapeared on me with were very strange and a few years ago. It could be you knew her, or something.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 2:36 am

I have to revive this one again.

I got drunk, crawled into bed, and was going to sleep when my latest ex decided to make a nuisence of herself and start an argument with me online. Apparently it bothers her that something is bothering me, and I don't talk to her about it.

Well, why is it a girl feels she has the right to blame another person for a problem she's causing?

I'd talk to her if she made herself available and took an active interest. I never see her, or talk to her any longer unless she rushing to work, or exhausted and going to bed. Either way isn't conducive to a serious conversation. When I bring up the fact I need to talk, and ask if she'll be around to do so anytime soon, she doesn't know and of course, isn't. So, how's that my fault she doesn't know whats going on with me? When I make the effort to involve her and she doesn't meet me halfway to be involved. That just grates on my nerves like you wouldn't believe.

Darth Zenemij · Post by **Darth Zenemij** » Sun May 01, 2005 12:31 pm

Well does she know that she is your problem? If you tell her that she is then I think you would have to say it, while meaning to offence. And if she doesn't know then maybe you should just avoid her at all costs.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Sun May 01, 2005 12:35 pm

[QUOTE=Darth Zenemij]Well does she know that she is your problem? If you tell her that she is then I think you would have to say it, while meaning to offence. And if she doesn't know then maybe you should just avoid her at all costs.[/QUOTE]

We've had that out a few times, she's just a part of the problem, which IS the problem. We're done now and she has to deal with me amusing myself by hitting on her all over again. Boredom and all you know. The funny thing is, I haven't had any negative feedback for it.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Mon May 16, 2005 10:24 pm

Ok, what do you tell a friend of your ex who just says she wants to kidnap you and take you off somewhere alone forever and that she loves you?

I don't want to hurt the girl, and that cannot be, even if I wanted it to happen. Which, in some ways, I'd like to explore a relationship of the kind with her. I just can't, she knows this, which I believe is what prompted her to say something tonight. The fact she doesn't have the time with me she wishes to have and wanted to say so before that window of opportunity left for good.

However, I don't wish to lead her on, or shut her out as I do enjoy her company as a friend. Oh yay for frustrations late at night.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Tue May 17, 2005 2:23 am

[QUOTE=Magrus]Ok, what do you tell a friend of your ex who just says she wants to kidnap you and take you off somewhere alone forever and that she loves you?

I don't want to hurt the girl, and that cannot be, even if I wanted it to happen. Which, in some ways, I'd like to explore a relationship of the kind with her. I just can't, she knows this, which I believe is what prompted her to say something tonight. The fact she doesn't have the time with me she wishes to have and wanted to say so before that window of opportunity left for good.

However, I don't wish to lead her on, or shut her out as I do enjoy her company as a friend. Oh yay for frustrations late at night.

[/QUOTE]

well no matter what you say, she'll be embarrased and your friendship won't ever be quite the same anymore, after one confesses loving the other. as for the easy way to tell her it can't happen.. if she knows it cannot happen, then why do you need to tell it to her?

but anyway, just tell her what you feel..(sucky advice i know..)

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Tue May 17, 2005 6:33 am

Bah, the girl's depressed and suicidal and I'm the only person that happens to be making her happy recently. This isn't good.

Thomas77 · Post by **Thomas77** » Tue May 17, 2005 8:19 pm

[QUOTE=Magrus]Bah, the girl's depressed and suicidal and I'm the only person that happens to be making her happy recently. This isn't good.

[/QUOTE]

Yeah that sucks. That puts you in the bad spot. You date her and you betray your friend, you don't and she may do something stupid. I know this isn't the right thread, but that's one of my pet peeves; people who ask you to do things that they know you can't do, but still invest their expectations in it.

does that make since?

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Tue May 17, 2005 8:24 pm

Yeah it does, I could care less about her friend (my ex), we don't speak anymore through her own fault. The fact she knows I can't do what she wants and she's unstable puts me in a bad place though. I've been there before and had to call ambulances on girls after turning them down. It's NOT cool at all.

Thomas77 · Post by **Thomas77** » Tue May 17, 2005 8:57 pm

[QUOTE=Magrus]Yeah it does, I could care less about her friend (my ex), we don't speak anymore through her own fault. The fact she knows I can't do what she wants and she's unstable puts me in a bad place though. I've been there before and had to call ambulances on girls after turning them down. It's NOT cool at all.

[/QUOTE]

Woah, ambulances? The last girl that I dated seriously, before the one I'm currently with, was pretty upset when I broke up with her. Her sister was with her when it happened and later on her sister told me that she drove home like 100 miles an hour after I broke it off, she said that she looked suicidal. But she's ok now, we can be around each other without problems anyway. But anyway, this thread ain't about my past girlfriends....

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Tue May 17, 2005 9:08 pm

That's good you two can be friends now.

Yeah, I've had to deal with three suicide attempts when pushing away three different girls. The one I called the ambulance on, she cut her throat in her attic. Luckily, she was being idiotic at the time, enough so that she entirely missed the arteries in her neck. I think the shouting she got from me may have made her wish she hadn't been so stupid for a few days though.

I'm a loon magnet I suppose.

Let's hope this one has more sense.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Wed May 18, 2005 7:52 am

[QUOTE=Magrus]That's good you two can be friends now.

Yeah, I've had to deal with three suicide attempts when pushing away three different girls. The one I called the ambulance on, she cut her throat in her attic. Luckily, she was being idiotic at the time, enough so that she entirely missed the arteries in her neck. I think the shouting she got from me may have made her wish she hadn't been so stupid for a few days though.

I'm a loon magnet I suppose.

Let's hope this one has more sense.[/QUOTE]

my friends gf has tried to kill herself more than once.. but she doesn't really try to kill herself. the stupid girl just wants the attention and tries to get everyone to feel sorry for her. when she does smth like that me and my gf take off and are pretty pissed off at her. she's so irritating and ms. princess etc.. argh!

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Wed May 18, 2005 8:02 am

I've been there myself, so I can tell when someone's wanting attention or truly going to attempt to do something with it. The people that want attention, I screw with out of sure spite. I've been to that point, and if someone wants to use that as a "look at me!" thing, I see just how far they're willing to push that lever for attention. I've been truly shocked by some of the results too.

Mmm, pizza is great. Oh, discussion...If someone truly wants to hurt themselves, I help them. I've been told I'm far better at it than doctors and therapists. I just don't tolerate people using that as a cry for help. The time someone tossed "I should kill myself" out at me in my appartment as a pity thing, I handed him a knife and said "go for it", told him the best way to do so (won't do so here, that's just bad information to have

) and everyone freaked and started screaming at me for it that didn't know me. My two roommates just grinned at him. He had the nerve to tell me how bad his life was, at which point, my roommates started giggling and I told him about my childhood and he got all quiet and handed me my knife back and went home. Never saw him again.

Thomas77 · Post by **Thomas77** » Wed May 18, 2005 8:13 am

[QUOTE=Magrus]That's good you two can be friends now.

Yeah, I've had to deal with three suicide attempts when pushing away three different girls. The one I called the ambulance on, she cut her throat in her attic. Luckily, she was being idiotic at the time, enough so that she entirely missed the arteries in her neck. I think the shouting she got from me may have made her wish she hadn't been so stupid for a few days though.

I'm a loon magnet I suppose.

Let's hope this one has more sense.[/QUOTE]

Well, I guess I wouldn't really call us friends, but we can stand to be around each other. And that is largely because of my fiance. My ex is going to be my fiance's Maid of Honor, sooooo we've got to be nice.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Wed May 18, 2005 8:21 am

See, I've made the mistake of in three groups of girls, dating at least one of the original girlfriends friends after we broke up. So, awkwardness has become second nature to me with certain relationships. Won't be doing that again though.

That should be an interesting wedding, good luck with that one.

Thomas77 · Post by **Thomas77** » Wed May 18, 2005 8:34 am

[QUOTE=Magrus]If someone truly wants to hurt themselves, I help them. I've been told I'm far better at it than doctors and therapists. I just don't tolerate people using that as a cry for help. The time someone tossed "I should kill myself" out at me in my appartment as a pity thing, I handed him a knife and said "go for it", told him the best way to do so (won't do so here, that's just bad information to have ) and everyone freaked and started screaming at me for it that didn't know me. My two roommates just grinned at him. He had the nerve to tell me how bad his life was, at which point, my roommates started giggling and I told him about my childhood and he got all quiet and handed me my knife back and went home. Never saw him again.[/QUOTE]

Hmmm, maybe he actually took your advice after all....