BIG stressor

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 1:00 am

At times like this..words always seem trite somehow..no matter how you try to phrase them..
So, I'll just say.. my thoughts are with you, and if ever you need to talk, everyone here is but a PM away.
I'm so very sorry..

sparky_kat · Post by **sparky_kat** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 1:29 am

now i know why i love this place so much

i didn't think i would be on tonight, but to restless to try to sleep. needing something to do and occupy the mind, i decided to let you guys know how I'm doing.

i am doing alright, this has been one of the most hardest times of my life. you never know how much a suicide can impact you until it happens.... even then you still cant really grasp it. my emotions keep going from sadness, to anger, to confusion, then back around again.

sadness from the loss of my father at such a young age, he was only going to be 47 next month
anger from how he put the family through so much misery
confusion from the whys

he didn't leave a note, i think thats been a big frustration for me, no note to say sorry, or even to say piss off. i ransacked his room today trying to find anything.

when they looked in his car there was nothing but his bags that he had packed for his trip that he took. there was no wallet or car keys in the car, we think they were on him when he jumped. at the top of the falls, there was just a few cigarette butts and an empty beer bottle.

our family has been with each other almost all day, we had relatives from the church over today too. the pastor said that we would be taking care of all the services.

my dad was a troubled man, i guess we didn't realize how much..... but he was also a loved man, we his family have always accepted his faults, even his friends, i know his best friend (the one he went to visit) has felt the impact of this immensely too, they were like brother having a 30+ year friendship.

again, i cant express my words on my gratefulness to you guys here. it has helped talking about this with people with a (mostly) unbiased opinion, and support. i will probably be on here and there, like tonight. but don't worry to much about me, i am strong, and today i made a promise to my son, that i would never put him through the same pain. i will never break that promise.

*BIG HUGS*

Ode to a Grasshopper · Sat Feb 16, 2008 8:07 am

My condolences, and keep on keeping on.

Coot · Post by **Coot** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 9:04 am

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Sparky. How is the rest of your family holding up?

mr_sir · Post by **mr_sir** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:16 am

I'm so sorry that this has happened - I don't really know what to say but wanted to say something. I hope you and your family are coping the best you can, and my thoughts are with both you and your family.

Take care and remember people on the forums are always happy to listen if you ever need to talk about things or how you are feeling.

sparky_kat · Post by **sparky_kat** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 1:29 pm

thanks guys *big hugs*

they have a small article about dad in the paper today [url="http://www.theworldlink.com/articles/2008/02/16/public_records/police_reports/doc47b68a6886958784173882.txt"]news[/url]

i am doing better today, even after only 3 hrs of sleep.

my family is doing alright, its been harder on some, like my sister and grandma. my sister has never really experianced a family death, only my grandpas death, and they were not that close. my sister didnt realy now about all of my dads problems.

my grandma just cant handle any kind of stress well, but she is doing better than i thought she would. me, my aunt and uncles, knew a little bit more about dads troubles because he talked to us more. but we still couldn't tell how bad it was.

i also have another sister, but she and dad were never really close, dad never really accepted that she was his because he cant remember sleeping with her mom, but they never did a DNA test. it is hard to say how she will handle this... but she has a wonderful step-dad to be there for her.

but i think we are all doing a little better today. everything starting to sink into place, and we are all trying to take comfort that he isnt hurting anymore.

thank you again guys, i wish i could hug you all in person.

Maharlika · Post by **Maharlika** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 4:57 pm

Sparky dear...

...you will get through this. I know you will. And with that, you'd end up even a stronger person.

My deepest condolences.

Fiberfar · Post by **Fiberfar** » Sun Feb 17, 2008 4:57 am

I'm so sorry for your loss, Sparky kat.

Loki[D.d.G] · Post by **Loki[D.d.G]** » Sun Feb 17, 2008 7:01 pm

I really don't know what to say. Reading all your posts breaks my heart and I truly am sorry for your loss. Keep the faith girl.

sparky_kat · Post by **sparky_kat** » Mon Feb 18, 2008 3:35 am

hey all,

i have been doing better today, i still have moments though of course. last night got a bit rough, some of the family members were really peeved about the article they wrote in the paper about my dad. they were mainly pissed about them mentioning that when we reported him missing that we said he was suicidal, my aunt says the paper should have contacted us first to verify everything....... her and my grandma really didn't want that in the paper. she plans to call the editor tomorrow to complain about it.

right now the big issue is the date my uncle, my grandpa, and I set for the memorial, people are saying thats its too far away. ya, two weeks can seem a bit far away, but at least we have a better chance of getting some of dads close friends to be there that would have to put in a notice for time off.
i think its better to have it when planed too, its the day before his birthday, i prefer to have a few hard days in a row, than a few hard days, then a week later another few hard days. but hey thats me. have a bulk of the grieving in one period, than drag it out....

this week i also am going to start going through the task of going through my dads things, i only have one room thank goodness (he lived with my grandparents) but his room is a mess!!! its worse than a messy teenagers room, lol. stacks of outdated car and truck parts magazines, playboys, and outdoor magazines. tons of tools strewn about with piles of clothes (and cant tell if clean or dirty)...... btw, this is his normal everyday room, i don't know how he could find anything. one little bright side...... my book collection with almost quadruple now as i think i am the only other family member that liked the same books as him (well, my great aunt too, but she would more likely just try to sell them, not treasure them)

the hard part is going to try to be fair to everyone that wants to have something of dads (being an executor of ones estate, or lack there of, is NOT an easy thing) also what will be tough is trying to keep the family scavengers away. gotta love the members of family who never come around.... bad talk everyone, then expect to get everything.

thank you guys for your support, it has been very helpful, and therapeutic for me.

again...... i wish i could give you all hugs in person my friends *HUGS*

sparky_kat · Post by **sparky_kat** » Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:30 am

its been a few days since my last post in this thread.... thought maybe people would like an update in my current state.

i had been doing better, then yesterday and today were very hard for me, extremely hard. the two days i wish i could forget.... but know i will never be able to forget, ever.

yesterday, i had to go the local State police office to pick up my dads belongings that were on him when he died. When she pulled out his keys........ i started shaking and my hands were trembling so bad and could barely hold anything, the keys were all bent.

then today, i picked up my dad from the mortuary. i am glad they gave me a nice blue velvet bag to him in.... the box they provide is a little depressing.

you expect your parents to die before you do, as thats the way nature is supposed to work. but what you never expect, is them to go early. to lose a parent when they are at such a young age just seems unfair.... no matter what the circumstances.

at times i feel like my strength has been put on trial to see how strong i really am, and that its being tested to the breaking point. i know this is part of the grieving process, and that all sorts of different and never felt before emotions will surface.

going through my dads room surprisingly (and thankfully) hasn't been to difficult on the emotion meter. me and my younger sister have been sorting and cleaning one area at a time. a few days ago under a stack of old summit magazines, we found a naughty video....... i think we laughed for about 15 mins straight after reading the title (it was dirty, lol).... it was a needed laugh.

i thank you all for your support, kind words and pm's..... it has been very helpful during this time. you are all wonderful friends.

*****huge hugs to all*****

galraen · Post by **galraen** » Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:07 pm

Thanks for keeping us up to dat Sparky_kat, I was wondering how things were going.

It is a tough thing to go through. I remember when I had to go to the hospital to pick up my wife's things after she died it was hard. Especially when amongst her things was her wedding ring, something she had insisted on keeping on and that I'd firmly told them that they weren't to remove. I lost my cool completely at that point and flew into a rage, never felt so angry or bitter before or since. Ironically it probably helped in a weird sort of way for a short period as the rage smothered the grief briefly.

I didn't have the chore of picking up the body from the morgue though, the transfer to the undertaker was done by the hospital. It was picking up her ashes after the cremation that hit me the hardest. Time is a healer, for some it takes longer than others, it took too long for me, I let it decimate my life, but that was at least in part because I was on my own.

Fortunately you seem to have a loving family around you, and a child to distract you and give you someone to care for, and you can always count on us to give you a sounding board if you need it.

Claudius · Post by **Claudius** » Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:19 pm

Yes thanks for giving us the update.

It really brings home to me how that moment could be. I haven't experienced something like that but I remember the kind of slow motion heightened state I was in when my friend was having seizures and I called the fire department.

I think the best thing is to turn towards the feelings you are having. And try to be spacious. Let yourself feel the feelings but be like a mountain in the snow. The sunlight of your inner strength and center will melt all the snow that is coming up inside you and transform it into streams and waterfalls.

So keep your center and let yourself feel your feelings. Remember the sun always rises in the morning and the grass turns green again in the spring.

Much love

Claudius

sparky_kat · Post by **sparky_kat** » Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:24 pm

thank you guys

now, my biggest dilema is taking care of dads affairs and trying to see about cashing his last paychecks and tax return checks.

his work says i need a legal paper saying im the representative of the estate... i asked the very nice guy from the mortuary about it... he told me to be careful as if dad had any debts that they could come after me(or whoever did the paperwork for being legal rep) for the money he owed.

we found out that dad took a $3,000 cash advance off his bank credit card. i dont think we would has to worry about any of his other bills as he was pretty good about paying things off, but his bank credit card is with Bank of America and they are already being nasty about even closing checking and savings accounts he had. i feel bad for my cousin who works there as he has been trying to help us with this without getting in trouble.

we were thinking of seeing how much his check is and going from there, but then aparently he never picked up his last paycheck... so we are going to have 2 work checks to deal with now.

sparky_kat · Post by **sparky_kat** » Mon Mar 03, 2008 12:21 am

hi all, another update

we had the memorial services for my dad yesterday... it was nice and alot of people showed up to remember him, some i had not seen in almost 20 years. It just goes to show how many people you touch without even realizing it.
we also spread his ashes yesterday too, it was a decent day with a little breeze going... to carry him accross the dunes.

now hopefuly the family can finaly start the long road to healing.

i know i have said this before, but i wish i could give you all hugs.... your kindness and support have helped through this tragic time.
**HUGS**

Claudius · Post by **Claudius** » Mon Mar 03, 2008 1:13 pm

Well I'm glad to hear about the memorial. That seems true that a person touches many lives. Those at the memorial were only a representation of all the people.

*Hugs back*

I know its a very sad thing but I do think it is true that he will live on in all your hearts. And its sad he died so young but none of us get out of this one alive. I wish him well in the 'great mystery' (to me).

Best Wishes,

Jeff

sparky_kat · Post by **sparky_kat** » Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:53 am

thank you for your kind words Claudius. *hugs*

today was extremely hard for me, it was my first birthday without my dad. some of the family got together and went out to dinner... when i got home i just started crying, being hit by thoughts of my dad. crying has been healing for me though.

the day is almost over and i am doing better, my best friend sent me flowers from proflowers.... you get to watch them bloom, its going to be cool watching Irises (one of my favs!) and Lillies bloom out together. he didn't know how they were shipped, so i am going to take some pics before they bloom (if i can get my NEW camera to work)

thanks again you guys!! GB is a terrific place and i tell many people about this site and its community of kind and awesome people