The Why thread of SYM

CM · Post by CM » Wed Apr 06, 2005 10:24 am

Screw you guys. You guys give out extremely bad vibes. Thanks alot Jerks!

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 10:53 am

[QUOTE=oozae]So what did you actually do?[/QUOTE]

Oh, that opens up a whole mess of things answering that one. I cheated on her, I'm having some very extreme health issues lately and it's made me really stressed. She was busy, and never bothered to do anything to calm me down or anything and there are only a few people who know about those health issues. Her, one of my ex's and another person. I went to my ex to talk and she made it clear she wanted me back and given my emotional state, I didn't put up a fuss when she jumped on me.

Then when I was feeling wretched and miserable and guilty she ended up deciding to finally alot time to spend with me to help me with all of my problems saturday and yeah. Didn't go over well. I've never done that before, or considered it, no clue why I let it happen and it ruined perfectly good relationship for me.

Luis Antonio · Post by **Luis Antonio** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 10:57 am

How many times have you talked to your girl? I mean, you have an open relationship or what? And this ex gf of yours, is she in love with you? And you?

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 11:02 am

[QUOTE=Luis Antonio]How many times have you talked to your girl? I mean, you have an open relationship or what? And this ex gf of yours, is she in love with you? And you?[/QUOTE]

It was open, until about 2-3 weeks ago. We never really discussed it, just sort of ended up that way as we got closer you know? I've been talking to her a few times a day the past few days. She pulled away, but we still talk as friends. My ex, yes, she's in love with me. I care for her, but I loved my gf. Unfortunately I realized how much AFTER I did this.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 11:14 am

... ... ... look don't take this the wrong way, it's your life and everything, it's your right to do what you do but: you've been cheated, you know how that feels when you hear about it, and still you do it to someone you actually love. this is not meant to be a rant for i consider you a friend(as one can be a friend over the net) but cheating is smth i myself don't approve and i do hope that it is smth you won't do again either. but that's not the point, just felt like i had to say my 2cents.

"trust can never be fully regained" the one thing i've learned from my dad which is universal truth. but i do hope you two find a way to solve this. i hope you have strength to get through this ordeal, whichever way it goes with head high.

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 11:16 am

[QUOTE=Magrus]It was open, until about 2-3 weeks ago. We never really discussed it, just sort of ended up that way as we got closer you know? I've been talking to her a few times a day the past few days. She pulled away, but we still talk as friends. My ex, yes, she's in love with me. I care for her, but I loved my gf. Unfortunately I realized how much AFTER I did this.[/QUOTE]
This is a tough situation. I have gone through something similar myself, so I sympathize.

My initial advice of time and patience is still applicable, but also you have to be considerate and 100% honest. Be honest with yourself about how you feel- if you can't handle a relationship now (for health reasons, etc) then don't try. Whichever girl you want, be honest about it. It sounds like you regret cheating- if you are hinest and patient, you may get through it.

Like Trent says in Swingers- you can't do anything to make her want to come back, only things that will make her not want to come back.

I feel your pain man, I really do- I know guys do things for no apparent reason and regret them afterwards. I'll bet you don't even know why you cheated on her, do you? I have had girl issues recently too, so I am thinking good thoughts

*goodvibesgoodvibesgoodvibesgoodvibesgoodvibesgoodvibesgoodvibes*

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 11:29 am

[QUOTE=Locke Da'averan]... ... ... look don't take this the wrong way, it's your life and everything, it's your right to do what you do but: you've been cheated, you know how that feels when you hear about it, and still you do it to someone you actually love. this is not meant to be a rant for i consider you a friend(as one can be a friend over the net) but cheating is smth i myself don't approve and i do hope that it is smth you won't do again either. but that's not the point, just felt like i had to say my 2cents.

"trust can never be fully regained" the one thing i've learned from my dad which is universal truth. but i do hope you two find a way to solve this. i hope you have strength to get through this ordeal, whichever way it goes with head high.[/QUOTE]

Yes, all of that is making me hate myself at the moment. I broke down and needed someone, and unfortunately the someone I went to pushed all of the same buttons she did when we were dating and I just wasn't in the right emotional or mental state to deal with that like I normally would. Given any other situation, or time it wouldn't have happened. The things I were dealing with left me a complete and utter wreck though. It doesn't excuse what I did, I made it clear to my gf the why of the whole situation and that it WAS my fault and how much I truly regret it. The fact that I've been there, and know how hard it is to trust and forgive someone for that is just making all of this that much worse.

[QUOTE=Cuchulain82]I feel your pain man, I really do- I know guys do things for no apparent reason and regret them afterwards. I'll bet you don't even know why you cheated on her, do you? I have had girl issues recently too, so I am thinking good thoughts[/QUOTE]

I was just so upset, and angry she hadn't made time to help me through that. She had work yes, but her job, she makes her hours altogether. It's no set schedule or anything. It's not like I stubbed my toe and wanted her to kiss it, it's a very serious matter that directly affects our relationship and she just didn't make time to talk. She could have gone in an hour later, or earlier to do that and no one at work would have said boo. No reason to do what I did, but I don't do the smartest things when I'm angry at someone. This would be the stupidest thing I've ever done unfortunately. She couldn't do anything to fix it, but sometimes it's just nice to have someone take your mind off of your problems you know? She got all distant those few days before that when I needed her most and she knew how I was feeling too. Those two didn't mix well with how I was doing at the time.

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 11:34 am

It sounds to me as though this situation relates directly to the one thread you posted a while back Magrus...
Effectively, you and your 'GF' are in an extremely ambiguous relationship where you both at heart might like something closer and more committed yet are uncertain as to whether or not you want to go those steps. At the same time, however, as feelings have deepened the territorial boundaries of a monogamous bond seem to be slipping into your relationship, perhaps at a subconscious level even.

So really, assuming you can repair the situation with your GF... you are back at that very same set of questions...
That is my read anyway, I could well be way off base, so my apologies if I've drawn a lot of wrong conclusions

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Wed Apr 06, 2005 11:52 am

[QUOTE=dragon wench]It sounds to me as though this situation relates directly to the one thread you posted a while back Magrus...
Effectively, you and your 'GF' are in an extremely ambiguous relationship where you both at heart might like something closer and more committed yet are uncertain as to whether or not you want to go those steps. At the same time, however, as feelings have deepened the territorial boundaries of a monogamous bond seem to be slipping into your relationship, perhaps at a subconscious level even.

So really, assuming you can repair the situation with your GF... you are back at that very same set of questions...
That is my read anyway, I could well be way off base, so my apologies if I've drawn a lot of wrong conclusions

[/QUOTE]

I guess, we've both said what we wanted and we were taking steps towards it. I just don't have a lot of time to deal with her taking her sweet time about it. Not only that, she's not the type of person to go out of her way to give comfort or discuss things with others which is something I need at the moment with my situation. What we want, and what we can have are two different things, all of that is creating a mess of things, and I made everything a whole lot worse. I have to say though, she took it very well considering everything. Probably better than I would have.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Thu Apr 07, 2005 7:45 am

[QUOTE=Magrus]I guess, we've both said what we wanted and we were taking steps towards it. I just don't have a lot of time to deal with her taking her sweet time about it. Not only that, she's not the type of person to go out of her way to give comfort or discuss things with others which is something I need at the moment with my situation. What we want, and what we can have are two different things, all of that is creating a mess of things, and I made everything a whole lot worse. I have to say though, she took it very well considering everything. Probably better than I would have.[/QUOTE]

not that i know her, but are you sure she didn't just cover her true emotions consider the happenings? but if she didn't completely freeze should be a good sign. IMO the only way she will be able to forgive you is, if she understands why it happened and what was involved in it and to make her believe what you say is the hardest part... hope you get it worked out soon.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Thu Apr 07, 2005 7:52 am

[QUOTE=Locke Da'averan]not that i know her, but are you sure she didn't just cover her true emotions consider the happenings? but if she didn't completely freeze should be a good sign. IMO the only way she will be able to forgive you is, if she understands why it happened and what was involved in it and to make her believe what you say is the hardest part... hope you get it worked out soon.[/QUOTE]

She knows why, and understands, just doesn't like it and I can't blame her in the least. Thanks though.

Locke Da'averan · Post by **Locke Da'averan** » Thu Apr 07, 2005 9:26 am

[QUOTE=Magrus]She knows why, and understands, just doesn't like it and I can't blame her in the least. Thanks though.

[/QUOTE]

she understands???

although i've never had exactly this same situation on me, you should consider yourself lucky if she truly understands.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Thu Apr 07, 2005 9:31 am

[QUOTE=Locke Da'averan]she understands???

although i've never had exactly this same situation on me, you should consider yourself lucky if she truly understands.[/QUOTE]

I'd have to say, the circumstances behind my reasons why are a far cry better than most guys. Not that it makes what I did any better or anything, but yes, she understands because of the situation I'm in.

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Thu Apr 07, 2005 9:50 am

If you are interested in keeping your relationship with her going, one of the most effective tactics I've found is tostop assiging blame. There are two people in your relationship, and each could have done things differently. Each person gets 50% of the blame, and should apologize. Try starting from there...

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Thu Apr 07, 2005 9:54 am

[QUOTE=Cuchulain82]If you are interested in keeping your relationship with her going, one of the most effective tactics I've found is tostop assiging blame. There are two people in your relationship, and each could have done things differently. Each person gets 50% of the blame, and should apologize. Try starting from there...[/QUOTE]

Well, in this case the only thing she did wrong was to not be there for me like I needed her that week. She could have been there more, but her actions in no way warrented mine so I WAS at fault, the both of us know that. I won't and can't blame her for that.

Cuchulain82 · Post by **Cuchulain82** » Thu Apr 07, 2005 10:06 am

[QUOTE=Magrus]Well, in this case the only thing she did wrong was to not be there for me like I needed her that week. She could have been there more, but her actions in no way warrented mine so I WAS at fault, the both of us know that. I won't and can't blame her for that.[/QUOTE]
I don't mean that you should try to shift all the focus onto her. I personally have found that it is impractical for any partner to assign blame to the other- it breeds resentment and can help carry a grudge. You cheated on her, but by your own admission there was much that she could have done to change the situation as well. Who can say whose fault it really is? In my experience, the best idea is to apologize and try to move forward. What each of you accepting half the blame tries to facilitate. It is a practical approach

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Thu Apr 07, 2005 10:09 am

[QUOTE=Cuchulain82]I don't mean that you should try to shift all the focus onto her. I personally have found that it is impractical for any partner to assign blame to the other- it breeds resentment and can help carry a grudge. You cheated on her, but by your own admission there was much that she could have done to change the situation as well. Who can say whose fault it really is? In my experience, the best idea is to apologize and try to move forward. What each of you accepting half the blame tries to facilitate. It is a practical approach

[/QUOTE]

That is a good point, I usually do so. There was just too much in my corner with fault though to bother with that. She knows what she did wrong, and what I did wrong so I don't think it's an issue. She's taken it well enough for me to assume she realizes she could have done more to help me from getting to the point I did based on how she's acting towards me lately too.

winter rose · Post by **winter rose** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 9:23 am

Hmm let me write down what I think. Im sorry if I come off rude or heartless. First of all I know you regret what you have done...thats obvious from what you have said so far...but you keep blaming your gf. You keep saying she was not there. Yeah that might be true, but you're trying to make her share the blame of your situation- when to be quite honest you going to your ex was your fault and only yours. Your gf could have been more caring, she could have taken the time out to be there for you, but thats NO reason to go jump into bed with your ex.

Sometimes people we care about and who care abotu us ,wont be there. They will try, sometimes they wont. But thats how a relationship is. You're not going to get all the care and love anytime you need it or want it. Lifes complicated. But you have to be understanding for your own part. Maybe she could have taken time off from work, but did it ever cross your mind that perhaps she couldnt handle this emotionally - so she was avoiding it? I mean the worst thing you could do is go to an ex when you need your gf. Thats just so wrong. What really matters is what people do when issues arise, when things get tough. You going to your ex in a time of need , doesnt say much for your love for your gf.

Magrus · Post by **Magrus** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 9:27 am

I think you misinterpreted what I wrote. I know it was my fault, and said so numerous times. Regardless of her actions, I had a choice and that choice was 100% my responsibility. My last post must have been worded oddly or something. She made it a point to bring up that she hadn't been around lately and asked if that was why. I told her that played a part in putting me in the state I was, but didn't at all excuse my actions or decisions. I've in no manner blamed her for anything and made it clear I regret and take full responsibility for what I did.

I may do stupid things every so often, but once I do them, I don't repeat them. She hasn't been around me enough to realize that. I've never needed anyone to tell me why what I did was wrong when I did something wrong, once I did it I just knew and learned from it. It doesn't fix what I do thats wrong, but it keeps me from doing it again.

Oh, and the only reason I went to the person I did, was because of the matter involved. At the time, there were only 3 people who knew what I was going through and she was one of them. I generally stay friends with my ex's and it usually works out well, but given the situation, and how she felt for me, she over reacted to me being around. My going to anyone else with my problem would have caused just as much, if not more trouble, but in a different manner.

winter rose · Post by **winter rose** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 9:31 am

Well Im sorry about what happened. But it takes a lot to forgive people. I know that. I hope it all works out.