I'm not dead, I'm a woman (Spam on Subject)

[Siberys]

Save for the D&D game I'm playing here, I haven't been around much lately and I thought I'd give you all some insight as to why.

First off, I work full time at the Subway. Yes, another fast food restaurant for me . It pays well and our employee meal is a free footlong sub, but like any fast food restaurant, it comes with the overwhelming stress of stupidity and unnecessary anger from customers.

Also, it took me a year but I'm finally able to get back into school with financial aid grants fall semester, REALLY happy about that. I switched my degree from computer technology to Film and Animation. The latter was my first choice and the former my second choice, but when I started at this college, the former was the only one available. So I won't screw this chance up again, getting 4 F's in a row from computer classes due to 30% lack of understanding and 70% laziness was a mistake that I will -never- forget considering how far it set me back in life.



Lastly, I've been coming to grips with my own sexuality. Over the past 10 or 12 years, I've been sort of off and on about this thought but in the last year, I finally came to accept what I am. I am a transgendered male to female.

Most of my folks know and aren't even remotely offended by it (which came as a serious shock considering both my grandparents are super godites), and so does my best friend who I hope will one day be my girlfriend.

I started wearing female clothing at the beginning of April and haven't stopped, it's part of the whole Real life test requirement to start hormone replacement therapy. I'm totally psyched for that! Woot! As Stimpy would so adequately put, Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!


Anyways, I just thought I'd give you all a quick rundown on what's going on in my life just for the hell of it. I should be around a little more often now too, as things are slowing down for me at work and home.

[RPGguy]

That is a lot of personal stuff you are sharing there. Wow!

Life is hard enough without the additional issues you've been dealing with.

Personally, I don't care how you live your life so long as it involves consent and mutual consent but (and forgive me if I am having a giant brain fart here)...you obviously like women, but you transgendered from a male to a female?

Am I understanding that correctly? You love women but preferably as a woman?

And when you say "transgendered" does that mean you had the operation???

Sorry, feel free to say "none of your business" to any of my questions but this thread implies you are okay talking about it.

[Siberys]

Nah, transgender is the preoperative stage. It's building up to that.

And yes, I am both attracted more to women than men and feel I am a woman myself, thus that would make me heterosexual now and after the operation, homosexual.



And it's actually not that much personal information .

Been here for five years man, there's a LOT more about me scattered elsewhere.

[RPGguy]

Well, if I had a family member going through something like that, I would just say to let it all out and fully explore your feelings about the situation.

The operation is obviously a very serious, irreversible deal. You gotta be 100% before you do it. If there is even 1% doubt, you hit 'abort'.

From what I gather, you are in your early 20's, correct? If so, you are still going through phases towards adulthood.

I truly didn't settle into myself until I was 35. Even in my early thirties, I was still trying to live life according to preconceived notions, commercially imposed ideals and peer pressured standards.

Personally, I don't understand your genetic propensity towards the hetero vs. homo. perspective. I've always thought there was an inclination towards a specific gender, not towards the resulting form of relationship. There's kind of a contradiction there but I am not judging you or your situation.

Good luck on the journey. I hope you settle into yourself and live a good life, whatever form that may be.

[Siberys]

To give you a better idea, technically speaking I am Asexual and find the male anatomy entirely unappealing.


And yeah, I'm 21.

[RPGguy]

21, you are still a pup. Probably most of your social references/experiences come from school-like environments. And those are probably the most repressive and judgmental environments out there.

Strongly suggest you finish up school, get out into the work force, experience some true financial independence and find your professional passion. It's an important layer you need to add to gain overall perspective.

When you settle a bit, then you make the heavy decisions.

***if the girl you like is only attracted to women and you feel compelled to change for that reason, you could not be making a more severe mistake***

[Siberys]

I can safely say that this is not the case with her. Keep in mind, I'm not trying to fit my lifestyle choices in with her, I'm trying to fit her in with my lifestyle choices.

[RPGguy]

Good luck with the journey Siberys. .

Just keep rollin with Khannon in the nvlutz campaign and be a good DM in the one I just joined and you'll always be cool in my book.

[Ode to a Grasshopper]

That is a lot of personal stuff you are sharing there. Wow!

Life is hard enough without the additional issues you've been dealing with.

Personally, I don't care how you live your life so long as it involves consent and mutual consent but (and forgive me if I am having a giant brain fart here)...you obviously like women, but you transgendered from a male to a female?

Am I understanding that correctly? You love women but preferably as a woman?

And when you say "transgendered" does that mean you had the operation???

Sorry, feel free to say "none of your business" to any of my questions but this thread implies you are okay talking about it.

I used to have a friend like that (male-to-female though kept the wedding tackle, identified as a lesbian) until s/he sexually assaulted me one day at the pub...dunno what the deal is there. :speech:. Good luck with that Siberys, it's a rough path you've got there, especially with the best friend bit - hope you've told her you 'have feelings' for her, 'cos being stuck in the Friend Zone sucks major balls.
My advice is 1: don't molest your friends (especially the heterosexual male ones) when pissed at the pub and 2: like RPGguy says give it a couple of years before making any irrevocable decisions. 10-12 years is a long time to be sure, but when most of those years are the teenage ones it gets even more tricksy than it already is.
Congrats, btw - that's a pretty major thing to come to terms with, and it's really lucky for you to have supportive parents and friends.

And yeah, the ol' male sex organs really aren't pretty, the only ones I like are mine and even then it sure as heck isn't an aesthetic thing.

[Siberys]

Well, thankfully the Hormone therapy takes a good 3-5 years to fully sink in, thus giving me plenty of time to choose whether I want to stay androgynous or go all the way to female.

[Tricky]

You're very fortunate. Whatever their sexuality, I've known few people who attempted to solve that twisted friendship, love and sexuality puzzle. Most people just fly with it.

Nothing but admiration and envy for those who dare to give it a lot of serious thought.

[Siberys]

Hehe...to be fair, it did take 21 years to will myself to go through with it.

And if our relationship ends up staying as just friends, that's fine with me. I realize it's already a lot to ask someone so it's no biggie. I'm a bit of a loner most of the time anyways.

[Stworca]

And yeah, the ol' male sex organs really aren't pretty, the only ones I like are mine and even then it sure as heck isn't an aesthetic thing.

Thank god that someone shares my point of view!

To the point. As both RPG and Ode pointed out, you should realy give a second thought to it, before you apply any major changes. With this beign said, i wish you all the best, whatever You decide to do.

edit (and no, we don't know each other, but i still wish to support you even in the slightest way)

[Tricky]

Yup, same here. And remember this well: all those other women your age have 10-15 years of dealing with estrogen on you. It's okay to feel a little silly a few months into the treatment.

[dragon wench]

Hey Sib, I'm a bit reluctant to wade in here.. but as others have already stated, 21 years old is actually very young to be making those kinds of huge, life-altering decisions.

I'm exactly double your age, and when I think back on the things I wanted to do when I was 21, I just shake my head....
I've also found journals and poetry I've written from that time... and they makes me absolutely cringe...

I know that the way hormone therapy works, you still have a few years to change your mind, so I do appreciate that. Also, I'm not transgendered, but I do realise that this is something most people don't have to deal with, and the decision to undergo the process of changing one's gender can't truly be likened to bad poetry you wrote at the time...
So, don't misunderstand me, I am sensitive to what you are saying.

The point I'm making though, is that as you grow older you change, and your ideas, your perceptions of yourself, change as well. Many of these changes arise from life experience, the different situations, people and environments you encounter. When I read my old stuff, it's like looking at something written by a much younger relative, familiar... yet very much removed... There's a real sense of looking into the life of a different person. It's kind of surreal, actually.

So... I guess what I'm saying is "be cautious"... and if you haven't already underwent skilled counselling, I highly recommend you do so.
Hell... even at 42, I'm still not sure if I want to commit to getting a tatoo on my foot!
I'm not trivialising, just saying this is not a decision to plunge into... and perhaps you should wait until you are around 30. By then, you'll have a clearer sense of the person you are, a better idea of your bearings.

Just my two cents anyway, feel free to tell me to go jump off a pier

[Siberys]

Go jump of a pier!


Nah, I see what you're saying. Though, I'm a pragmatist and if I know I've had these feelings since I was 8 or 9, and they still haven't gone away, they aren't going to.

Combine that with the fact that I drastically fear old age, my thought process is that if I'm going to act, I have to do it now. The whole process takes 5 to 10 years to complete, which would make me 32 at the latest if I start by my next birthday.

Normally I don't usually care about appearances but the thought of becoming a wrinkly old woman before becoming a woman is a little nervewracking .



But yeah, thankfully everything I choose to do, including the surgery is reversible.

[Xandax]

I want to .... well, not expand per se but more contradict DW here.
Naturally - you should be "careful" and "consider the effects" and all that - but I'm also into my thirties now and I do think back to when I was early twenties and have the opposite thoughts that DW has.

I never regret anything I actually did in my early twenties, I only regret the things I didn't do and the choices I didn't make.
And yes, while not all of them where as "changing" as what you're going through, some of them have had very deep and life changing effects on my life up to now and until the day I die and well - lets just say - I knew what I should have done back then "when I was young" as well, but I didn't do it.

It isn't fun going through life miserable and unhappy and always wondering if you'd not be more happy if you'd gone for the choice, and this is something which could haunt you either way for many years as you well know and understand.
And in my experience people often do know the correct choice to make is, even when young - it is the fear of the consequences which drives you over into the wrong choices.

So - basically - just wanted to offer my few <insert local currency here> and hope things work out for you.

[Siberys]

Indeed. One major fear I've had about this whole predicament is acceptance versus appearances.


In our country, appearances are virtually everything. For women, this means a skinny body, make up, pantyhose, slim and slender clothing, a sexy look and attitude and so on and so forth. It's a defacto and it's completely disgusting.

I will never wear make up or wear any garment or item designed to make women look attractive to other people. However, I also realize that if I ever want to be accepted as a woman, that would be the way I have to dress and act.

It's weird, womens rights have progressed so much and yet everything about how they should look and act are still the same. Some women rise above this, and I am so happy for that, but the majority can only settle in with the system.


I did find one loophole that would allow both a woman-like appearance but without the defacto "sexy" appeal that many seem to have to have. Hot topic. I used to think that store was all about anime-retardation and twilight idiocy (seriously, if I see one more kid with an orange naruto backpack and an Edward from twilight T-shirt, I'm gonna go ape-**** on that kid ). Some items are like that but thankfully, not a lot are, and it allows me to actually dress like I've always been dressing (I like the black khaki and t-shirt look). So that helps a little, even though their customer service is absolutely terrible.



Meh, I just wish that femininity = makeup, high heels and sexyness to men wasn't the status quo. I prefer Botticelli's implications of femininity in Birth of Venus. Naked, long red hair (not blonde like today's preferable color), and no makeup whatsoever and still a god-like appearance and body.

[Xandax]

<snip>
In our country, appearances are virtually everything. For women, this means a skinny body, make up, pantyhose, slim and slender clothing, a sexy look and attitude and so on and so forth. It's a defacto and it's completely disgusting.
<snip>

This is a bit OT, but you opened the door so to speak

But - no it isn't. This might be the difference of ages speaking although were' only a little more then a decade apart, but I've always found intellect, confidence and ambition much more interesting then looks. And when I look around and see whom my friends, colleagues etc are involved with - well, "appearance" seems to take a backseat for many.
Attraction matters naturally, but well - speaking from experiences - that does not automatically coincide with "looks"

The problem here is letting the image of self be shaped by the information from the fashion magazines and the movies and not real life.

[Ode to a Grasshopper]

Thank god that someone shares my point of view!

Wait, the only dick you dig is mine!? Stay away from my manly bits you pervert!

Hell... even at 42, I'm still not sure if I want to commit to getting a tatoo on my foot!
I'm not trivialising, just saying this is not a decision to plunge into... and perhaps you should wait until you are around 30.

Do it! (the foot tattoo)...
Other than that, leaving the snip 'til your mid-late 20s at least isn't a bad idea...that's a painful procedure to have done for nothing. That said, feeling as you have since you were 9 is a pretty good sign, so you'll probably be pretty safe by the time you're done with the hormonal bit.

I never regret anything I actually did in my early twenties, I only regret the things I didn't do and the choices I didn't make.
And yes, while not all of them where as "changing" as what you're going through, some of them have had very deep and life changing effects on my life up to now and until the day I die and well - lets just say - I knew what I should have done back then "when I was young" as well, but I didn't do it.

It isn't fun going through life miserable and unhappy and always wondering if you'd not be more happy if you'd gone for the choice, and this is something which could haunt you either way for many years as you well know and understand.
And in my experience people often do know the correct choice to make is, even when young - it is the fear of the consequences which drives you over into the wrong choices.

I know what you mean, though I wish I didn't...

(seriously, if I see one more kid with an orange naruto backpack and an Edward from twilight T-shirt, I'm gonna go ape-**** on that kid ).

Please do - the hormone therapy will give you a perfect excuse, and if they're a Twilight fan chances are they'll be too anaemic and/or generally wussy to hit back...:devil: